Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

This is my issue @The Strategist I know that 'she knows' that this is not the norm!! out of 'honesty' which all are claiming, she should've mentioned that this is not the norm and it is something of exceptional between her and her significant other.... and I respect people's relationships and their decisions.... But out of honesty!! she should mention this is not the norm because in reality, such behavior is seen as rude, completely disrespectful and only makes your significant other feel bad about themselves or at least think they're not attractive enough for their beloved ones especially saying that to a woman!

 

@zicozoma7 and @MarriedIn2013

I think we are all in a similar position. I'm currently on day 5.

Last week I had an epiphany that completely revolutionized my approach to quitting porn and fapping.

Instead of thinking about quitting porn or masturbation. Think about quitting fantasizing and peeking.

Masturbating to porn or seeking escorts is always a result of either constantly fantasizing about sex or constantly peeking.

Fantasizing and peeking creates (and increases) the need to get off in the first place.

You have to ask yourself:

How is fantasizing about sex making your life better?

How is checking out that hot girl on Instagram benefitting you in any way?

How is staring at a woman's ass in public contributing to your wellbeing?

If your goal is to quit completely quit fantasizing and peeking, then you're also quitting porn and masturbation as a result of that.

But you really have to ask those questions.

When you fantasize about sex, you're creating a craving that wasn't there before. Now you feel the need to relieve this craving. And you relieve this craving by masturbating or seeking escorts.

Think about that.

 

But what if that woman would rather not be in a relationship with someone who does those kinds of things, even if it meant being single? What about her right to choose what kind of relationship she wants to be in?

 

That's a good point. I just don't know why did you have to quote me commenting on 'telling your gf/bf you find random people hot and you fantasize banging them is being honest and not rude/disrespectful to your significant other'. I don't see this comment related to your point at all. Your point makes sense, and this 'honesty' advice is rude, disrespectful and not how couples usually talk to one another.

Now to your point, you're absolutely right and spot on. See, I KNOW not telling your wife about this is lying and is morally wrong. She has the right to know and make a decision about it, definitely she has the right to know. The OP made a big mistake, he knows it, he admits it, but this is not OUR job or our decision to tell him what to do. The guy is here for a problem, a problem we are all sharing over here in this forum (with different degrees of course) and he is seeking help/advice to quit this habit we all are suffering from. This is what is thread is about, helping the guy quit... not making life decisions for him.

Now the thread took another direction and it was a debate between us members about what is right and whether he should tell his wife or not (and I believe the debate was not about the OP personally, it was in general what is the right thing to do if you were in his position) which we can do in another thread and leave this one for people to help the OP and provide support/advice.

Your point is valid, actually it is spot on and is the main reason, me personally, I know it is MORALLY the right thing to do and not telling her is lying/lack of honesty etc etc. But if you are asking me my personal response to your point, I personally have things more important to me than your point. See, I mentioned I was once married, and I was in deep love with my ex-wife, it didn't work out for many reasons but until today, I wish her all the best. Whenever I come to think about my marriage, good times, bad times, the whole picture, I deeply regret every single time I wronged her/ did a mistake and wish I never did it. This is me, I am a super sensitive person! and actually it is not healthy to do that because in the end, we are human and human make mistakes (and she did her share of mistakes as well) but my point is, all her mistakes are forgiven by me and she told me she forgave me for everything but again I have that sense of regret and guilt whenever I remember the 2 times she cried because of stupid comments/mistakes I made (example, telling her 'babe, this dress is now tight on your waist and doesn't look good on you' destroyed her because she was sensitive and insecure about her image, wasn't a big mistake on my part but remembering her tears breaks my heart every time I remember it even now, many years after that incident). Now you telling me, I go tell my wife I cheated on her with escorts? I would prefer me getting death penalty for my mistake than breaking her heart telling her something like that. I really don't care about my image, I really don't, whatever names/insults i get from whoever knows about it, I deserve it because I 'hypothetically' made the biggest mistake ever a married person can do, cheating. The guy here is admitting it, he knows he did a big mistake but he hates it and wants to end it! I loved my wife so much and if i was in his place, would do anything possible to redeem such a 'crime' but let me be the one paying for it...not her! I want her to be happy. Maybe it is selfish of me to try and cure myself and keep the woman, my son, my family all happy with me, the people I love the most in my whole life? yes, selfish but I will do that! I don't want my son being raised by another father in law, I don't want m wife to be hurt for the rest of her life. If I failed to get cured, kept that disgusting habit, I will be the one leaving because I know she deserves someone better than me but not after I fight this addiction and give my very best shot! for my wife and kids.

You're right, and my way (and the OP decision) is 'morally wrong' but I prefer to die than hurting the person I love the most and making my most precious suffer because of my mistakes. Let me be the one paying for it, not them. And again, if I fail, I will be the one telling her go find someone else and maybe then confess as well....because by that time, I know I failed God, her, my kids, myself, my parents and I will do so because she deserves better than a sex addict /serial cheater. So will do that, but not after one big fight on my side.

 

Ok, let me ask you this...

What happens when your wife finds out on her own? (There is no if here. She will eventually find out. One way or another, it all comes to light.) What happens when she finds out you've been betraying her for years, both physically with the company of another woman (regardless of what you do or don't do with her) and emotionally by lying and hiding it from her all these years? Why happens when she learns that she was never enough for you so you had to go outside your marriage? What happens when she finds out that her entire marriage was built on lies?

You will be far worse off then, than if you decide to come clean in the near future and ask her for support. If she has to find it on her own, she will never trust you to be fully truthful, or sober. She will think you only stopped because you got caught.

Trust me. As an SO, who was lied to for 20 years...tell her.

 

He's betting that she will never find out. He's taking that risk because he has concluded that telling her about his prostitute use is worse.

Millions of men around the world cheat on their wives with prostitutes. Married men is the most common "type of client" prostitutes have.

The vast majority of wives never find out.

I'm not saying that's good or bad. It's just the way it is.

 

How do you come to this conclusion?

 

Just in the US there are about 1 million prostitutes. Each of them probably has dozens (if not hundreds) of clients, most of which are married. Imagine if all of these wives knew about it.

I've also frequented plenty of forums and I've read dozens of stories of men who have visited prostitutes for 20+ years without their partners ever finding out.

Will some of them do? Of course! There are countless stories of women finding a second phone, a revealing browsing history, a suspicious message, etc.

Some women find out, some don't.

 

YES! YES! YES!

I'm glad you brought this up.

This is precisely the reason this addiction is so complicated and cannot be compared with gambling or alcohol.

I grew up watching porn. Right now there are probably hundreds of millions of men growing up watching porn. It is all about sex, big tits, round asses, orgies, fantasies, being with several women at the same time, etc.

We've been fantasizing about sex our whole life. Our brains have rewired so that every time we see a hot girl at the gym lifting her butt, instead of thinking "She's alright, but I'm married and I'm happy" we think "OMG look at that ass, that is so perfect" and we get an immediate craving, an itch, that we feel needs to be relieved. Just like a drug addict being exposed to his favorite drug.

This is why this is an addiction. And this is why, despite finding a very special woman in our lives, we still crave and fantasize other women. Porn has messed up our brains. And we're all here because we want to fix this problem.

It's very difficult for women to understand this addiction and not take it personally. Some might think we don't care about them, that we're bad persons, that we're evil. The whole thing is very unfortunate.

I have a girlfriend at the moment and I'm doing my best to stop fantasizing about sex completely. I want her to be my standard of beauty. I want to try.

Most of us have good intentions, that's why we believe it's so unfair to be called out names.

 

@MarriedIn2013 Did you say that your wife knows about the webcam use and is OK with it? Also, how would you feel if she did the same actions you did with a male escort? Would you want to know? I'm just curious here.

 

And some of us that are for him telling his wife, also did post supportive things. I want him to get better and stop if he tells her or if he doesn't. I think that counts as supportive?

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation @Thruthewindow.

If you don't mind, I would like to give you my perspective as a porn addict (just like you gave yours as a woman).

I've been watching porn for 20 years and I've been in the NoFap and Porn Addiction community for 8 years.

The #1 reason we continue to fail is because we're afraid that we won't be able to cope if we quit. We're afraid that we won't be able to be happy if we remove this source of pleasure. We think that if we quit then we'll spend the rest of our lives suffering, fighting and resisting urges.

Now, I don't know about your sex life with your husband, but if you two rarely have sex, then that is an additional reason for him to NOT quit. Because in your husband's mind, quitting porn and escorts not only means quitting the addiction, but it also means quitting sex forever. He's satisfying his sexual desires through porn and escorts. He probably doesn't believe he can have a satisfying sexual relationship with you.

Unfortunately, it is not enough for you to tell him that he needs to quit. He might try, but if he doesn't dig deep into his beliefs, then no matter how much willpower he uses he will eventually continue to relapse.

Your husband probably has a good heart, but he's trapped in an addiction that he doesn't have any idea how to quit. He continues to lie because he doesn't know better. He has probably failed to quit so many times that he doesn't want to give you false promises either.

Whatever you decide to do, whether it's staying or leaving, you need to forgive yourself and forgive him. I wish I never got hooked into porn. We have no idea what we get ourselves into.

 

How about fantasizing in general about sex, checking out girls online, peeking at porn, quickly checking escort sites, staring at women on the street, etc?

Are you engaging in any of those activities?

 

So sad... but so damn true. :-/

 

So you don't have any facts to back up your statement that "the vast majority of wives never find out." You just made it up based on preconceived ideas.

 

What are YOUR facts?

Do you know every single relationship there exists? Do you have mind reading abilities? Have you talked to every single wife in the world?

Seriously this is ridiculous.

 

There will be a time when you'll realize that carrying the weight of your lies is hurting the both of you even if you believe that she's unaware of your infidelity. Lying is also a burden to you, it's part of the problem and it's one of the reasons you do what you do. You won't be able to beat this on your own, sex addiction is one kind of a beast. You need help and your wife is probably the bested the only emotional support you can get. If you truly love your wife and I'm not talking about fish love, then you must allow her to make her own decisions and trust that her love for you is there. Otherwise you are just manipulating and abusing her to get what you need from her but you have no regards for what she deserves. It's messed up but it is what it is, you fucked up big time. Take your time, think about it ...