Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

I am new to the forum, I'm 30-35 years of age (prefer not to say the exact age), and I got married in 2013 as my nickname suggests. I have 2 children with my wife and I need some help with several things in my life.

Basically, I don't watch porn but from time to time I do watch webcams, the average of what I spend on webcams is around $10-$20 per month or even less, I'm barely doing it now about once every 2-3 weeks but I still haven't stopped completely. Also when I watch webcams I know the other girl there doesn't love me or care about me and I don't expect her to, I treat them like an object to fulfill some pleasure and move on with life ... the thing is most of the times I feel lots of regret but only after the act and not before.

And now comes the part with escorts .... before I met my wife I used to go a lot to escorts, mainly because of my ex, she used to provide me lots of pleasure when we were together and I almost didn't put an effort to give her pleasure, it took me a long time to realize my ex was a gold digger but I've realized it only when it was too late, I got used that in sex I barely need to put any effort and looking backwards that's a bad thing.

Moving forward, the first few years with my wife were wonderful but when the first boy was born I think I got too stressed out and this was the first time I went to an escort ever since we got married ... it was for less than 5 minutes, and then afterwards it happened to me several times again ... in a way I became addicted to it ... and every time I go to a girl I don't want to kiss her, don't want to hug her, I just want to satisfy myself quickly and go away (there is a way I like to do it, in the same way my ex used to do it, I feel like what she did is still sitting in my subconscious which is why I always ask every girl for the same thing)....

Okay, so I don't want to keep this story extremely long - basically today I failed again, and worse of all - my wife doesn't know about any of this, she knows a bit about webcams but we barely spoke about it and I tend not to bring this into our discussion or conversation as I prefer to keep it all hidden from my wife.

I know that maybe some of you would react really badly to all this and tell me I don't deserve my wife, but I don't want to lose her and I do want to change my ways, I tried going to some therapists but even then I couldn't tell my wife about it because I didn't want her to know I am going to some "therapy" sessions (she would ask which ones, what for - and I don't want to tell her "oh, it's just some addiction to escorts, but don't worry, I got it under control") ...

So I cannot tell her, I don't tell her, I feel okay without telling her, but I don't feel okay about my current situation - and I wanted to ask you what would you do if you were in my shoes? What would you do to change your ways? Is there any way out of this?

 

By the way some of you might ask how is the sex life with my wife - well, now with 2 children it's a bit difficult, but she is attractive and I love her, the last time we had sex was about a week ago and it was quite good for both of us, but in general she complains about not being satisfied well enough, and as I said I got used to have only one way sex, so until now it's quite difficult to change, sometimes I just don't have the mood for that.

Also we don't have lots of quality time in the evenings, because the children drain all our energy, I told her several times we need a babysitter but none of us has pushed for it and day by day as time goes by I feel like we're not improving things that we could have easily improved if we have just added some babysitters and other things into our lives... I don't enjoy being with the children all the times and I feel like I need much more space that I don't have ... I'm watching over the children as she gets back late from work and sometimes I just send them off with YouTube to watch it and leave me alone as I feel like I need so much more space that I simply don't have ... even now I wanna go somewhere but I gotta be back in less than 2 hours because I need to take them out of daycare ....

So that's the gist of things, it's all very complex, and I feel like putting it all into several paragraphs doesn't summarize it all but at least giving you some picture about my situation.

Looking forward for any advice whatsoever.

 

The purpose is to live happily with my wife without having online or offline sexual activities with anyone but my wife ... It's called monogamy and it seems like it's hard for many people to keep it from what I've read online, and that's extremely sad ... we're living in a generation where everything is instant, and we need to learn how to do the opposite. I believe our lives can be back to be what it used to be when we got married, if I wouldn't have these activities in my life then I would have only my wife to commit for and think about 24/7 & 365 days a year, that's the purpose.

I understand you are saying "you don't deserve her" and I appreciate you being blunt and I would appreciate blunt answers - are you basically suggesting we have to get separated? (i.e. divorce) - I can't see it happening right now, but of course if she would know about this then that scenario might be more likely, I assume.

I read online about it and I consulted with my therapist about this as well as other figure who has dealt with couples dealing with similar situations, bottom line it's much better NOT to tell her - the reason being is because it will break her, completely, to pieces ... once it breaks her things between us will never be the same ...

Yes, of course, if I will keep on doing this then things have to be put on the table, but I'm looking for ways to get away from these things, just like I got into them without involving my wife - I want to get out of them without involving her - these things are not related to her, they are not coming from within our relationship, they are coming from something that is within me, and I want to resolve that something.

I honestly don't think telling her is the right way to go - of course if this becomes a habit and a weekly ritual then by all means it has to be told, but for now picture this like a husband who watches porn from time to time and doesn't tell his wife about it - if he can stop it completely and get a better life then why not ...

Of course and for sure telling her has also some good implications, it will bring things together and not separately between us - but honestly I don't think telling her is a go ... I don't want to break her and I prefer to take this "secret" with me to the grave so long as I know I can get rid of it for good or get rid of it so it would never become something I allow myself to do it in my life ... if I can do that then I'd prefer to take this "secret" with me to the grave, I haven't told my friends about it neither and I never will .... I don't want anyone close to me to have an opportunity to talk about it ... the only ones who know about this so far are professional therapists, myself and god, and I prefer to keep it that way, and I prefer as I mentioned to mend my ways.

Is it possible or should I go back to the very first quote here - you suggest there's no good future (i.e. get rid of these sexual addictions) without telling my wife? Does telling her and stopping the addiction 100% coincide in your opinion??

 

Hello again GhostWriter,
I understand you are very much into the "tell her" approach, and I understand the motives behind it.

I have not looked only for advice online when considering if I should tell my wife or not, but I did consult with more than one therapist what should I do - none of them have pushed me to tell her, and I totally feel like we're in a completely 2 different planets in regards to that - the last thing I'm going to do is to tell my wife about this... Although and I tend to agree on one thing, which is I would speak to her about online addiction, but the offline one. But definitely bringing this up could be helpful if we discuss the online addiction such as webcams.

One more thing if you google search "Should I tell my wife if I've cheated" then you can see many different approaches, and many of the results refer to having an affair behind her back, which is emotional betray ... but sexual release from a stranger is also cheating, it's just perceived differently, not sure why.

I'd like to take the opportunity and use this post to emphasize I honestly don't believe the "tell her" approach is fine. It will not only break her heart to pieces but also the level of trust would go down below zero ...

You said many couples get divorced today - it's not necessarily only because of things like this - it's because the D trigger is so easy to pull, people give up too quickly and what's not ... why should I take a happy wife and ruin her life by sharing with her things she shouldn't know about in the first place?

And yes, I shouldn't do this again but you mentioned no one is 100% ...

 

No, I said exactly what you think, both cases are cheating, I only the results in Google are mostly refer to having a long affair, not just a 5 minute release but something that has been built for over a long time. So it's hard to find escort (or other types of) addiction involved in a marriage.

I understand many of the forum members here are holding the opinion that telling my wife is the right way to go. As I mentioned before I consulted about this several times with more than just 1 professional therapists, and there is nothing good that will come out of telling my wife about this. Except for breaking our family to pieces, breaking my wife to pieces and basically ruining both of our lives (and yes I already ruined my life by letting an addiction enter into it, I'm trying to take it out - which was the main purpose of this thread - and not whether I should tell my wife or not).

In fact, some women if you search on Google, would say they would rather not know than know, and some men want to tell their partner they did something just because they want to come clean but the outcome is worse... There is no one single answer to the picture you're trying to depict here, I fully understand where you're all coming from in regards to lies, but telling her won't uproot the problem, I am desperately trying to find the root of the problem and take it out of my life, but it seems like addictions can be a vicious cycle or circle, the only rest and peace is awaiting once we pass away and life is a constant struggle, as some of you might agree - we have to take it day by day.

Just one more point about telling my wife or not, as I said I didn't come here asking if I should tell her or not, I have my own opinion about it - but if you're checking the rates of divorce today, globally, many of them could occur because of actually telling your partner about what you did... I've heard of many couples who shared the truth between each other and it did nothing bur ruin their lives.

If you want to tell me Bill and Hillary Clinton are happily living together now (she knows about what "he did"), then by all means please fill me in.

Life is not what we see in Hollywood or read in those fairy tales, life is a hard work, it's a struggle, and for me - all I see my wife and myself if I tell her - it would turn our relationship into a wrecking ship ... she would feel so lonely and hurt, and I would become lonely as well - why ruin your family like this? And yes, this is what I need to ask myself - why do I succumb to these temptations time and time again?

That is the question I'm having, but as I said I have no doubt in my mind that telling my wife is 100% wrong, as much as I appreciate you all anonymous people just like myself here, I don't believe we can be on the same page in regards to that, at least definitely not where I see things as they are at the moment.

Lastly - no, she doesn't know, I fully believe she doesn't even bring this up into her mind, but I definitely agree if I won't stop then there would be no resort but to lose my family and I don't want to be there.

Is there anyone out there by the way who can actually agree with me on this? or am I the only one here with this type of (uncommon) sense?

 

Anna, looks like you replied after I posted my response here, so I'm trying to address what you said - your message by the way came very convincing, it's good to hear how you got along so far, so that's quite encouraging and thanks for that. Nonetheless I still have to process what you say as you can appreciate it's quite difficult to make a decision based on what some strangers tell me on forums, even though all this world is a one big stranger, and I don't like to use that word.

Regarding your question - one therapist was female, another male, they are dealing with sex addictions, mostly I was with a female therapist because she had lots of recommendations but I stopped seeing her when my wife gave birth with the 2nd one since she stayed home and I couldn't go and see a therapist as I mentioned earlier (I had to book an appointment in advance and I couldn't know what would be 1 week from now at this and this time with my wife so I just couldn't go on with the therapy sessions) but I had been there for quite a while, and she told me based on her experience many men have managed to get rid of the problem and never told their wives about it and now they're living happily together, and she was 100% against telling her. I asked the therapist for suggestions how to tell my wife I need to go to these sessions, and she suggested to use the terms business meetings, but eventually I couldn't just lie to my wife where I'm going so I simply didn't go to the sessions and simply didn't go. When she was back to work I thought about going back to therapy sessions but when I think about it I am not sure it would really help me.

It's impossible for me to have an STD, I don't have sex with the escorts, never had and never will. I am (or wish to say was actually) going to escorts to satisfy myself, as I said in the first post, it's for 5 minutes or less, I don't want any interaction with them afterwards, and I don't want to create any relationship with them, they are meaningless to me just as I'm meaningless to them, I am just addicted to go into this vicious cycle from time to time and that's what's bothering me the most.
It's not much different than watching porn in some way, only that you do so in real life, physically, which is terrible. The thing is up to now I couldn't find a good reason why to stop, I don't feel any urges now but in my mindset I feel like I know this would return and I feel like I don't have the right tools to deal with this (with or without my wife - i.e. I don't think telling her would help me be on the right way, something of the puzzle is missing and I can't find or pinpoint what it is, and that's what I'm trying to find out before even considering things like you suggest, something is wrong with me and I don't know what it is).

 

This is a very good advice, I totally agree NOW it's not the time to talk to her about this, for sure, I am in the right mindset to do it ... you could be right about disclosing this information later on (I still don't think it's the right thing to do but let me swallow the pill in my own pace).

I started watching Youtube videos from Santos aka Soldiers of Self Mastery, these are very good videos, he refers his videos mainly to gambling but you can take the same thing and apply it to porn or other addictions, he has lots of good advice to give out, one of them is to immediately distract an urge, so don't let it become an urge, if you feel like you face your demon - try to immediately distract it and kick it away, the quicker the better.

 

GhostWriter, you don't need to feel like your efforts have been in vein, I appreciate the efforts and I don't see any need to leave the forum because of an attitude or things you told me, everything is being taken with serious consideration and lots of appreciation as well.

I unfortunately, at least as of now, don't see any need to share with my wife details of my bad deeds, I am not sure if my actions are not things that should be swept under the rug or be fully disclosed... as I mentioned before there are lots of people in this world who advise to never tell, and to keep these secrets as something that I have to live with... but of course this is pointless and ridiculous to do so if I don't change my ways.

By the way, if we can move away from this discussion of telling or not (a discussion I never wanted to create in the first place, that wasn't the intention of this thread) - well, today everything has been going very well with my wife, we did lots of things together, and I honestly don't feel like she feels something's wrong. From your point of view it might sound 'ugh disgusting, he lives a fake life with her, went to an escort yesterday and treating life as if all is well? ugh, truly disgusting'.

I treat my messups as watching porn or webcams, it's not much of a different of getting a release from a girl you see online or offline - it's all bad and wrong and will destroy your marriage (unless you truly stop).

I'd be happy as TH2C said as well, let's leave the tell/not tell her discussion for another time, this is really not something to discuss right now.

 

Thanks for supporting this approach, The Strategist, it seems like you're the only one in this thread who's supporting this approach - and by all means I don't mean to say this is 100% "encouraging" - I am not asking for people to encourage what I did, because there is nothing to be proud of, but the glimpse of encouragement is that you actually support the same way I approach it - I just wonder if you and GhostWriter for instance could agree on that too or me, you and the others here will remain divided about that.

I take it very seriously, and you can call it "Day 2" (or Day 3 if the day of sin is called Day 1 or Day 0 I am not sure, and it doesn't really matter) ... I asked my wife about having a babysitter so we can have more time to spend together.

Today she (my wife) looked extremely attractive in the morning, I am asking for hugs and kisses but she is so much in a rush, every minute counts, if she is out of home too late she will get stuck in traffic and then come back later from work... so I don't blame her, but it's difficult to find quality time for both of us except for the evenings where we're both like zombies.

We only have the weekends but they are too short and we still have the kids with us on weekends, I told her we desperately need someone to babysit the children, at least once a week, so we could have at least about 2 or 3 hours to spend every week only for ourselves. She is not much into the babysitter idea, she's very protective when it comes to our children, but she agreed we need to do it. It hasn't happened yet.

I wish she could have a few days off from work where the children are in daycare so we could have just time for ourselves, the time we spend together like only both of us with no one else is very and extremely limited, I barely remember when was the last time we actually had some time to spend together, perhaps 2 or 3 weeks ago we had 1.5 hours to spend at a coffee shop whilst a family member was watching over our children.

I agree that spending more time with my wife is not going to resolve the sexual issues I've raised here, it would help for sure, but I'm referring to what you said "improve your lives together".

I won't lie, it was so much easier without raising children, before they came into our world we were so happy together and spent lots of time together, and ever since this has changed - it became a little bit more tricky... I'm not implying the children are the cause of this, by all means no - I AM the cause of what I did and it doesn't matter if the first time I messed up happened because of being stressed out of my wife being pregnant - there is no excuse whatsoever.

It's difficult for me to dedicate time only for the children, sometimes one of them goes to sleep so late even though we are both trying to make them go to sleep on time so we would have some time for ourselves, but honestly by the time they are asleep we are both like zombies, I don't enjoy it and I don't like spending life like this. I don't mind doing it 4 or even 5 days a week but I want our time off together.

Lastly, my wife seems to put makeup and look extremely nice when she goes to work, I love the way she is taking care of herself, but I wish she would have done it for me as well ... I tried to create several surprises to make her happy but it's like nothing comes out of it ... we have to "schedule" sometimes time for sex, and I don't like it, I'd like it to happen more naturally but it doesn't.

 

No, she didn't go through such an abuse, I assume it's just part of the way she is, but she learns slowly how to give more freedom in that aspect.

I do work from home most of the times, whenever she's home I spend time with her and take advantage of that.

No, what are they?

Most of the times she is not distant, she want me to lead the way, to surprise her and make her feel good when she comes back home from work - I did neglect this part many times, I know I can do better (and THAT is the part that is related to this taboo.

I definitely appreciate your thoughts and I'm open to hear all opinions about this.