My Husband Said Something Interesting...

He's in total denial right now. All of us here were there at one point. He's cheating on you with a screen. If he can't see that, perhaps he needs an ultimatum.

 

Porn is bad. It's just advertised as harmless and believed to be harmless by the whole society. I'd advise you to seek some professional help from a therapist, at least to change his perspective about P and how it's affecting your relationship.

 

Your husband sounds like an addict. The fact that he is trying to keep it, to play it off as harmless and justify it as a "water bottle" that gives him daily relief points to addictive behavior.

He is elf-medicating with porn which is giving him the "daily relief." It also means he is using this daily which points more to addictive behavior.

He also does not see it as destroying his marriage, even though his wife has told him "hey, this is destroying our marriage." That alone should be motivation to quit.

 

I have to agree with most of what is being said. The behavior and statement is exactly what an addict in denial would say.

I don't know if an ultimatum is the best solution but is a solution if all else fails. It took me over 4 years to even acknowledge that porn 'might' harmful and not a god-given right to me as a man; 3 additional years come to the realization that I might be an 'addict' and that I'm doing this more than others; 2 additional year of putting in minimal effort to stop, saying it's normal, getting better at hiding it before actually reading the information on PA that my SO was always providing me.

Overall, I have been an addict my whole marriage, even with my SO telling me that it hurt her emotionally, that it's cheating, that it is abusive towards her, and that it is destroying our life. Each time she caught me, it was a horrible ordeal of her having to present physical/digital evidence of my Porn Abuse and I would still deny everything. I am forever grateful that she stuck with me while I slowly and begrudgingly pulled my head out of my butt where I could live in my fantasy world where I could literally be showered by my own bullcrap at every moment. I am grateful for her love to stick with me but my addiction, my behavior to protect my addiction, and my disregard for her due to my addiction has caused major relationship issues.

What I'm trying to describe for you, and others, is that ultimatums and sticking with your partner are both difficult decisions that will have lasting effects that should not be made hastily.

To answer the original question, in the shortest and most generalized way, YES.

My answer is sourced from my life and experiances. I grew up in a small town in the 90's, porn and objectification of women were normal and encouraged. This was even worse once I joined the military in the 2000's & got worse the longer I was in. Throughout this television, movies, books, and games all pushed that objectifying women and unfaithful behavior was accepted and expected.

---- sorry, long rant and I lost where I was going with this.

 

For my SO to change, It was after a relapse and I had the car keys after the kids were in bed.
I wasn't even going to stop and go downstairs for my purse.
I was leaving.
I told him I would be back in the morning for the kids and I would finish making other arrangements but not tonight and not here at home.
He knew I was serious and freaked out.
I was done.
I told him, while he was lying on the ground in front of me, no more.
I was finished.
I am still finished.
He's been without relapse since.
We have had one blip, decidedly so.
And this is us moving forward.
We are clear on mutual boundaries and know how to handle accidents.
Transparency and respect are huge...
But honestly, Honesty is Key.
Of your not communicating and honest, you have nothing.
Addicts don't do either well.
He begged you to hold onto his precious.
He may also minimize and Gaslight the fact.
What you do is up to you...
But I thought I'd share my bit though... In case it helps you.

 

Maybe just draw the line for him. Point out that he just equated porn with water. He said, out loud, that he needs porn like he needs water. As in, he literally couldn't live without porn. Porn is as important as water. Just let him hear those words come out of someone else's mouth.

 

I ask him to fast for a week.
Seriously, no food.
If he needs porn like he needs water... This should be a good test.

 

It sounds like he is still in deep. 3 days isn't a lot of time, so it should continue to improve. Hopefully he sticks with it and he's able to come out of the fog and see the reality of it. Hugs.

 

I thought like that. A few years ago, when my wife told me AGAIN how PMO was hurting our marriage, I "yes"-ed her to death and kept on using P. I didn't see what the problem was. I can't say that I relapsed then, because I had no intention of trying to recover. It wasn't until this time (you can tell by my counter) that I really saw that it was a problem, how it was hurting my wife and my relationship. It took coming this close to losing her to see how bad it was for me. (I'm obviously not the brightest bulb in the chandelier when it comes to this stuff.)

I think it helps to think of the addiction as having a mind of its own. It will do what it needs to survive, and if that means lying to your husband about its importance to him, then that's what the addiction will do. (Others have equated his saying it's "like a water bottle" with how he needs pron like he needs water, and it might be that; but it might be that he thinks the porn is such an unimportant thing that it's like a water bottle - after all, you can just turn on the tap to get more.)

And in answer to your last question in case I haven't already covered it here: I did think that way. I'm not proud of that, and I don't think that way anymore. I'd give a lot if I could persuade my wife that I don't.

 

4 or 5 days was when I relapsed and binged hard and that's what led to the event that blew up my whole life and it may never be whole.

You're not loving him by avoiding a confrontation when he wants to destroy himself. Sometimes kindness is an act of love, but sometimes it isn't. Love is not kindness. Love is to will the good of another. Sometimes what's good for us isn't what we want. Sometimes what's good for us isn't getting to make our own choice. Sometimes what's good for us is getting taken behind the woodshed.

 

Except he's saying he can't live without it. That's what he was on about with the "I need my porn" which, with the "my" in there isn't a phrase I've ever read, heard or conceived before. And the "is the only way I can get my release". He's talking about it like a necessity, then connected it to water. Maybe it wasn't conscious, but it wasn't random.

 

I'm pretty sure the concensus of the thread is "yes; call out the bull shit."

 

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

 

No it is as poisonous as a snake. He is lieing his addiction talking. He chooses that over you. There is no both. I am married I know it is robbing you guyhs of true passion. It leaves you alone in the marriage, because he isn't there. It destroys your soul as a wife because he has said that you are worthless. It is a slow leak that will eventually destroy your marriage. Would you rather advert a disaster or or be left picking up the pieces from the disaster alone?