(I just noticed how long this is. Forgive my prolixity; and now you know why the 140-character limit on Twitter will never work for me.) The title of this thread doesn't make any sense for this first post, but it's my intention to keep posting here about my experiences and progress. With a title like this, I'll feel responsible for coming back. This isn't my first time. I've been cleaning up my house, the desk at which I was using porn (same desk I'm at now), and the stuff in my computer. I came across a notation that shows my first attempt was in 2012, five years ago. I've been found out again twice since: once a few years ago, when I had no intention of really stopping and just wanted to look good, and this time, when I'm serious, at least for now. I used to refer to this computer as "the porn computer". I'm using it now for two reasons: the first, because it has a real keyboard, with springs under the keys and clicky sounds; not like the membrane keyboard on my laptop (and WAY not like the "keyboard" on my phone). The second, though, is because I want to reclaim this computer from its old use and re-purpose it into a tool of my recovery. I'm 62 years old and married (for the second time, 20 years ago); no kids. My wife brought this up as a problem years ago, and I promised to get better; and then a few years ago she found out I was still using PMO, and we had another argument and my empty apology. Then, a little over a week ago we had One Of Those Talks, and I realized how close I'd come to losing her over PMO. There were tears, there was anger (on both sides); it's been uncomfortable in the house. I hate it that I hurt her so much, and, despite my self-deception about how porn isn't infidelity because it's not a flesh-and-blood partner, I hate that I've been unfaithful. I've posted in a couple of other places how the talk about being healthier and porn being unnatural didn't resonate with me. The thing that did was this: in the words of the old Quaker wedding service, I promised my wife, "...to be unto thee a loving and faithful husband, as long as we both shall live." I have not kept that promise. I hate that. I resolve that I will take of my wedding ring before I use porn again... and I NEVER take off my ring. I'm sure more will come (can you tell how much I like to write?), but I had to tell this last bit. Over the last day or so, there's been a thaw in diplomatic relations between me and my wife; there was even a bit of small joking last night (which has been absent). This morning, when I got up earlier than my wife (as I always do; it's a scheduling thing), I had a thought of using porn. Just like that, all the misery I'd gone through went out of my head, and I was that ready to be right back where I was a couple weeks ago*, with all that misery and thoughts of dying. I've got this thing worse than I thought I had. *The counter is off by a few days; my last use of porn was at the end of October and I set the counter at November 1, because it's easier to remember.