My husband is a porn addict.

The fall out from this disease is horrible. I didn't know that my husband was addicted to P and chat rooms, but I know things weren't right for 3 years, and I was hoping to fall out of love with him so I could leave. If he hadn't hit rock bottom and stopped it all 50 days ago, we might not have made it, honestly we still might not. I don't know what the future holds, I feel optimistic but also cautious, eyes wide open. I won't do another 3 years like this, no way. He has to heal, be honest and transparent, and make me feel special again. Time will tell if he can do that. All bets are off, and he is holding all the cards.
Your story touched me, because your story may become my story, oh, except for the not being able to eat...

 

I hope you both can save the relationship ..
My ex won't budge enjoys the erotica stories .. books.. videos and virtual reality porn and yes interactive porn games mods make them naked and sexual .. I still struggle to sleep through the nights and I don't enjoy food .. I am doing yoga and bike riding but it's those quiet moments in the morning I think about the past and why I thought it was odd he took his laptop in the bathroom and I was trusting and loving preparing his coffee while he was pleasuring himself .. what a fkn fool I was

 

Thanks for telling your story. I've been 10 days NoFap. I'm a newbie and I keep having streaks and breaking it. I can relate to your husband. The lying, the sneaking, saying oh nothing's wrong with it, or I'm not getting enough sex with my own wife. At the end of the day he is going to have to get help for him self. All you can do is pray for him and support him. I never want to encourage someone to leave their mate. Because you all have a life and a history. Marriage isnt easy. We must all fight something, none of us are perfect. NoFap is a good place to start. Tell him to sign up, get in a group, form a accountability partner. He just needs to start so he can save his family. God be with y'all. One Love.

 

I'm so glad you are going to a therapist. That has helped me immensely! I'm sorry about the wait, that is hard. I'm new to this website and methods but my husband revealed his porn addiction to me 6 or 7 years ago. So I can say that it IS possible to get through it and stay together, if that is your goal. Things are not perfect between us, partially due to unresolved feelings I have since I first found out about his addiction (I didn't take care of myself, I worked to "fix" him.) and partially due to PPD after the birth of our first child. Anyway I just wanted to chime in and offer some support from a wife who has been in your shoes, having recently learned about her husband's porn addiction.

One last thing. As a veteran of multiple therapists I will give you the best advice I once got. If you don't click with a therapist, GET OUT. It's not worth wasting time. I've had multiple GREAT therapists, one I never went back to after one appointment (so glad I didn't waste time) and another I went to a year before I realized, hey, this just isn't helping me as much as other counselors have. If you feel like it just isn't working it's totally OK to go to someone else.

 

Hang tight! Therapists are not the be-all end-all. I went to a therapist with my wife at some point, and I was indeed a porn addict. My goal was to find support, for him to convince the wife to make out more! It didn't happen that way, but that was my objective!

Finally, its my wife that expressed her emotions, after many years of keeping it to herself. As I don't want my wife to suffer, I automatically started to change my behavior. She supprots me and helps me. Our love is stronger than the porn!

 

"Everyone here is going to say... 'it's his addiction'"

No, I'm not going to say that. There's addiction, and then there's the way you treat people. These are two different things.

Addiction does not make a liar of you, you choose to be one. Addiction does not make you abuse or mistreat people, you choose to do so.

I lied to cover my ass. Not because of addiction. I mistreated her because I was a self consumed shit, addiction aside.

Yes, I know most people love to blame addiction for everything. I tend to go the other way. I have addiction like this because I'm a selfish man. Addiction doesn't make me one, I developed addiction due to it. What is addiction? Perpetual self indulgence for pleasure or escapism that becomes problematic. If that's not the epitome of self centered, then I don't know what is.

Jmho, addiction is just a symptom of a much bigger issue.

 

Yes, find one that clicks better! I had multiple therapists too, and in the end none of them really worked. We had to find our own way through. The therapists have some good tools, but they ended up DIVORCING before our treatment plan was up… so what does that say?

 

@LetsRun So sorry to hear about this HUGE setback. I agree with @TheSumOfAllBeers: There's addiction and then there's character. The lying has to do with HIS CHARACTER.

 

I honestly don't know how I even ended up reading this thead, but ... YES! I made the mistake of thinking okay was okay, and it made things worse, I believe. Not that the problems aren't 99.999...% me, but when it comes to therapists, if it's not helping, it's harming. It was many weeks before I noticed the click wasn't there, and then I kind of stuck it out for a few more, feeling like "well therapy is better than not therapy." Made things worse. Way worse. The discussion might not be about divorce right now, if we had seen someone better, or that was the right fit for us. I wish, I wish, I wish I'd opened up to more people, and gotten myself into therapy for myself earlier. My wife kept telling me I had to get into therapy for myself, and I knew she was right, and I had every intention of doing it, but it took me a while to get myself to the place where I did it, despite knowing it was right. Anyway, one session with my current therapist, and one discussion about therapy with one other man whose marriage was in this much distress, and I discovered our therapist SUCKS! I realize now that not once, in 9 or 10 weeks, did he slap either of us with a hard reality. And he should have slapped me with a couple of huge ones, but didn't, and then I felt validated in some things I now know I was dead effing wrong about. He should have said things like "objectively, Allan, I'm telling you your wife is absolutely right about this, and even if it was more complicated than that, it doesn't make X, Y or Z less wrong. The fine details about how, when and why don't really matter; it's real, it's not okay, and you have to fix it."

But instead he would say "so where do we go from here?" And I would always think (but should have said out loud) "isn't that kind of what we're here to ask you? I get we have to be the ones to do this, and find our way, but ... we are clearly lost and have no sense of direction, so instead of just asking us where the train station is, maybe help us find it?"

 

The lying has to do with covering one's ass; I won't deny that for a second. It is (often) also motivated by fear, and an indescribable level of shame.

 

I just saw this for some reason. I'm so sorry that happened! Therapists ate human. Unfortunately that means some a good humans, some so so and some are total POS. Not all are total idiots, I'm sorry you got a bad one.

 

I'm so, so sorry this happened. The repeated deceptions are SO painful. I just said a prayer for you, your child and him.

 

I feel the same way. We had been together 8 years. He is 36 I'm 32. I thought we would be married by now and have kids but no. I'm glad we are not married and that we don't have kids because what you're going through is what made me leave him. He said the same thing to me, telling him about my feelings was hindering his progress. I had told him that I was scared of having kids with him. The more posts I read the more I realize that they all act the same! I don't want to be his parent! Everyone who has commented has recommended to see a counselor. That's what I'm going to do today. I would say you should think about yourself and your son. I am curious to see if anyone has posts on how this has affected their children.

 

Black mailing someone for nude shots? There's a difference in being addicted to PMO and being a scumbag. All I'm saying.

 

In the throes of addiction, addicts sometimes commit (or, in this case, consider) scumbag acts. It doesn't make them permanent scumbags unless they let the addiction suck them in permanently. And to be clear, this comment is in defense of my own beloved addict more than the addict being discussed here, but for what it's worth ...