My husband is a porn addict.

Hey there! Sorry to see you go through this

I ran across someone on this forum who has a similar story, keep your eye open for @jfromcr. I read the story of him and his wife and how they pulled through, it seems that may be just what you are looking for? I hope he doesn't mind me mentioning him like this..!

 

Rebuilding trust takes time. I'm in the process of rebuilding my relationship. I utterly, thoroughly, obliterated trust in mine.

Give yourself some space. Take the pressure off. It took some years to get you here to this place of distrust, it may take a significant amount of time to get it back on track.

 

Hey Letsrun123,

I absolutely don't mind that @exchronos pulled me in. I have been married 21 years and really clean for the last six years. I am sure it was traumatic to go through this and I will have my wife @lfromcr contact you directly. You will have a lot to talk about.

 

@jfromcr, I read your wife's story. @lfromcr, thank you so much for sharing it.
"You looked me in the eye and lied to me, every day, for the last 3 years."
Yep, pretty sure I've said that at least 12 times. And I only found the truth out 11 days ago... it is heart breaking. But I'm staying. At least for now, I'm staying. I'm ready to roll up my sleeves... I think I've got the tough part down, but the softening? How do I soften while it hurts this much?

@Letsrun123, I can't offer much advice, but if you want someone to talk to. I'm here. And I'm inferring from your name that you're a runner, which is speaking my language. Pretty sure without my last couple 5 milers, I'd be rocking in a corner somewhere.

 

You've come to the right place. Your story is a common one among married couples who are dealing with addiction recovery. Not only does the primary issue (the addiction) need to be addressed but also the collateral damage that radiates out from that person. Relationships are strained to the point of breaking before the addict finally sees the consequences of his actions. The fact that he now recognizes that he has a problem is a significant step forward. There is hope and plenty of evidence from others on this forum that relationships can be healed.

The feelings you are experiencing are not unusual. Our behavior has caused a lot of damage to our wives/girlfriends that also need to be addressed and you need comfort and healing too. Our secretive behavior, our emotional manipulation, our shifting of blame and responsibility, etc. causes trust and intimacy to erode until there is almost nothing left. Not only does the addict need to take responsibility for the damage he's caused and do everything necessary to get well, but we also needs to take responsibility for fixing that damage.

Here's some of the things he needs to do to help you. He needs to take ownership of his problem and recognize that this is a FULL BLOWN ADDICTION and not simply a bad habit. That also includes taking responsibility for the damage he's caused and actively doing everything he can do to fix himself and this relationship. It means being completely open and honest in all communication and not even appear to be hiding, evading, or sneaky. It is HIS responsibility to prove to YOU that he is worthy of trust again.

Another step he must take is to understand why porn is so attractive to him. It is NOT in any way because of anything YOU have done. Nor is it something you can change or something you can do to make him better. Addiction is a complicated problem... he needs to gain insight into what problems he is masking or medicating with this addiction. If he is unable to have that kind of honest self-analysis then he needs to see a therapist that specializes in sex addiction. Possibly you can see one together. As he makes changes hopefully there will be something that you can work with. It's HIS responsibility to give you concrete evidence that he is changing and that he is worthy of trust again.

You have already done some really good things... you have clearly communicated that this behavior is unacceptable and that change needs to happen or there are going to be more serious consequences. Drawing a line in the sand is excellent. Addicts need to feel that they have hit rock-bottom and need to change.

Hopefully some comfort will come from knowing that he's finally on the right path. Have him open an account and start a journal and have him read the stories of others who are battling this problem. Knowing you and your husband are not alone is a powerful tool towards fighting this addiction. Every addiction needs a support group with people who can understand and sympathize. This addiction is too hard to fight on our own and we need the strength and knowledge from others to help us along.

 

@WifeInTheDark did something similar to me 4 months ago. She drew the line in the sand by threatening to take our 2 daughters and leaving me. It was the only thing that cut through everything and reached my heart. That was my rock-bottom moment. My future was in my hands at that point. Your husband needs to see that he has run out of chances. He should feel grateful that he is even being given another chance. How he responds to the ultimatum will show his maturity level - will he blame/resent you for making him change or will he finally realize that there are serious consequences for his actions and take responsibility for his problem.

You also wrote about how you can no longer be a policeman (-woman?) in the relationship. That is exactly right. It is HIS responsibility to prove himself worthy. As many wives here will attest to... you will drive yourself crazy and you can become consumed with worry and anxiety thinking about his trustworthiness. It is something you cannot control. That is a hard thing for the spouse to accept. He has hurt you and you have gone to an emotionally 'safe' place. To trust again means to come out of that 'safe' place. And you cannot risk that without him proving to you that he has changed.

Also, don't feel like a sucker for staying in this relationship. We want to believe the best in our marriage partner. Unfortunately we addicts take advantage of that. Unless you were ignoring clear warning signs then I don't believe you were being naive. Addicts are very good liars. Don't hate yourself for displaying a positive quality. You may be more cautious now, but don't second guess the decisions you made 2 years ago.

What did he disclose when he 'came out' to you?

 

Take his hammer and smash his computer. OK, I shall read your post now^^

 

I've been debating taking a bat to husband's cell phone.
I'm totally stalking this thread btw and borrowing all the advice you're being given @Letsrun123. Those last questions are hitting home. We are in day 13 since I busted my husband. I could really use a hug.

 

Having him disclose the depth of his addiction is a double-edge sword. Sometimes the truth helps and sometimes it hurts. And each new round of questions can inflict more wounds and set your recovery back to the beginning. But ultimately you need the truth, no matter how painful, because you have decisions to make going forward. Some of the truths could be deal breakers (ie web-chats, prostitutes, infidelity, etc.).

I'd like to point out one positive thing he's done so far. (But by no means will I ever minimize what he's done.) What he told you sounds like the truth. Many times we hear stories that leave out way too many details that make it seem like there are bigger secrets yet to be revealed. He didn't hold back details and hide from the truth. He was willing to tell you very humiliating things about his addiction. Things he probably never told another human being.

Another bright spot (if you wanna call it that). Is that addicts with behavior like his get better all the time. His addiction has escalated over the years. The frequency and type of pornography is alarming, but not unusual. He is NOT too far gone. Yes, what's he's done is disgusting and unforgivable, but he is not a lost cause. He's got a lot of work to do and a lot of damage to fix. But as he addresses his issues the symptoms will subside and eventually the husband you once knew should return.

Your path to recovery will be different. I don't know how wives can 'unknow' or forget some of the things we disclose. I don't think they do. Sometimes we are viewed as a spoiled piece of meat that is only worthy of being thrown away. Your wounds are fresh, but have faith that you will start feeling better as you go through this process. Yell, rant, and rave here if you need to.

His recovery is more likely to take root if others are involved... a therapist, a family member, Sex Anonymous meetings, joining forums like this, or a combination. Hopefully we will see him soon.

 

If he really wants to change, then I think it is very beneficial for him to read the posts. Nobody is being hateful or accusing on here, so he shouldn't feel like he is being ridiculed and bashed. There were similar situations on the "Talk about Marriage" forum site, where the troubled spouse got to see what everyone was saying and it helped him to see, even though his wife was saying the same things. They are very judgmental over there, unlike here.

 

"ultimately you need the truth, no matter how painful, because you have decisions to make goingforward. Some of the truths could be dealbreakers (ie web-chats, prostitutes, infidelity, etc.)"

Dealbreakers indeed. Ensure that what has been seen/done has not been illegal, disease risk, etc. It'll be hard, but moving forward you will have a clean ground to rebuild on. He'll have the relief of dumping this weight, you'll have the knowledge that there is nothing left on the table.

I understand it's upsetting to hear of "rape porn", and I won't minimize your feelings here in anyway, but mainstream porn now is commonly "rape porn". It's full of name calling and abusive rubbish. I'm only bringing this up because over time, with continual exposure, this is normalized for a constant viewer. It's highly doubtful your bloke is a violent type. He's been conditioned. We all have. I started on with porn at age 10. That's 17 years of brainwashing for me before I quit. I've been free of porn since March 2015. A little over a year now. I can tell you, with nothing to gain here, I'm a perfect stranger to you, that what I watched had absolutely nothing to do with who I am. Likely it all has nothing to do with who he is.

 

We had sex averagly twice everyday and still he went to toilet for half hour to do it twice with himself (me being in the flat) and sometimes in times I was in shower. And, ofcourse, when we were having intimacy, he just was imaginating someone else instead of me, otherwise he was not able to finish. And this all in ''honey moon'' period- in first months of relationship and living together.
So maybe your partner also would watch porn no matter how often you have intimacy.

 

Ahhh... Welcome to this f'ed up club. There is hope. He can recover but he has to commit to no PMO and no MO.
My bf did and he as become a new man. I feel my confidence soar daily and our love grow.
First few months is a roller coaster of emotions