ILoathePwife's journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by ILoathePwife, May 12, 2016.

  1. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I wasn't sure I wanted to start a journal here, but I decided I do. If only to write down the good things I am noticing, so I can remember and think positively, and also so I can look back and hopefully see progress.

    My husband, a porn addict of 20 years, before I even met him, and I are both doing a 90 day hard mode reboot. No intentional orgasms for each of us for 90 days--maybe more. I feel like it's the craziest anti-advice ever. Having marital troubles? Stop having sex with your wife. Insane, right? And, yet, for the first time in a long time I have hope.

    Today is day four. We've faithfully done 30 minutes of cuddling every day, although it was cut short today because we didn't start soon enough before he went to work. And we've done the FANOS thing for three days in a row. (See next post for the description if you haven't heard of it.) Honestly, the cuddling has been good, but I hope it gets even better. It kind of feels like forced cuddling right now.

    FANOS has been beyond amazing. Last night I noticed my husband was struggling with something and every time I asked he said his usual, "I don't know." Finally he said, "I don't know. I want to know and I want to tell you but I don't know." Even that was an improvement for him. Today I asked him several times again and, still, I don't know. Finally, we did FANOS and it was like a damn burst. He used three emotion words and he talked about things that were upsetting him for at least 10 minutes. It was beyond amazing. He so rarely lets me in like that.

    I also noticed, and talked about during FANOS, that I do see positive signs but I seem to be focusing on the negative and pushing for more, more, more progress too fast right now. Right after my husband left for work I read this. It helped me understand. The little progress I'm seeing is giving me a little hit of dopamine and I'm seeking, seeking, seeking, in a destructive way. So understanding that helps.

    Here's the quote from the link that really made sense to me.

    "An animal behavior expert once pointed out that if you raise an animal's dopamine artificially, it starts "seeking." First it will eat and drink all it wants, but it's still dissatisfied. So, it will start tearing up anything in the cage. Random seeking. Not unlike random clicking to new images. That's what makes today's porn so seductive. Seeking goes with dopamine. So does novelty. So does "surprising" or "unexpected." Each "hit" is a tiny reward of dopamine in the brain - the message of which isn't "satisfaction," but rather, "keep going, satisfaction is j-u-s-t around the corner." This unending form of enticing tension can leave you really edgy after a while if you don't resolve it somehow."

    I am seeing positive signs of improvement.
    FANOS is helping us connect emotionally.
    My husband is letting me in more than ever before.
  2. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut


    A daily check in with your spouse to practice emotional intimacy.

    Fanos, from the Greek word that means to shine or reveal.

    F Feelings--state your feelings, not your thoughts.

    A Affirmation/acknowledge--give your spouse an affirmation--or say thank you for something.

    N Needs--ask for something you need (knowing that sometimes your need will not be fulfilled)

    O Own something you did. Say you are sorry.

    S Sobriety--the addict will check in with his or her spouse about his or her sobriety. If sobriety is no longer an issue, you may each choose something you want to change, ie, habitual TV watching, rage, withdrawal, sarcasm, ect.) for your spiritual growth and check in about your progress with that issue.
  3. Placeholder

    Placeholder Guest

    Wow. Fascinating stuff. You've obviously put quite a bit of thought and effort into making it work. It's inspiring to me...I'm fighting multiple addictions while trying to keep a difficult marriage on track, and it's great to hear about what you're doing. I wish you success, and look forward to hearing more.
  4. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    @fupornwife ,

    Interesting find. Much truth about the seeking part. Your decision of going 90 days hardmode yourself is interesting. I'll be following your progress!
    Dizzy Lotus and ILoathePwife like this.
  5. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Thank you. All ideas we got from here. 90 day reboot, cuddling and FANOS. That's why I have hope. This time I feel like it's more than just gritting his teeth and stopping porn. And that includes when he's been in counseling. Plus, hey, I may not be getting sex or solo Os but I'm trading it for hope AND daily cuddling and meaningful two way conversation. (which was rarely or never happening before this.) TOTALLY worth it.
    Last edited: May 13, 2016
  6. I remember reading your first thread exactly a week ago. All I saw was confusion and doubt, and now look where you are today. You have some reason for hope, you have a viable plan, you see improvements. Be prepared that it will be a rough journey, there will be bad days and sometimes even worse days. Don't be afraid of your husband relapsing, be afraid that he stops trying. I will continue to follow you both on here, because your struggle is so similar to my wife's and mine. Stay strong!
  7. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I just realized my comment to placeholder was more to what you had said so I'll repeat it. Hey, I may not be getting sex or solo Os but I'm trading it for hope AND daily cuddling and meaningful two way conversation. (which was rarely happening before this) TOTALLY worth it.
    Last edited: May 13, 2016
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Thank you! It's been a rollercoaster ride, but mostly up. As I noted above, for some reason I've been focusing on the downs more though. Maybe this journal will help me remember the ups.
    HopeFaith and Placeholder like this.
  9. Placeholder

    Placeholder Guest

    I just think it's awesome that you're doing so much to try to make it work. In my case, it feels like i'm the one making the effort,'s worth it for the sake of our son, if nothing else.
    Bewildered and BeautifulWarrior like this.
  10. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you feel you are the only one making the effort. But good for you for realizing it's worth it. I'm far from perfect, I've had my low moments even in the last few days, for sure. And to give credit where credit is due, my husband is the one that realized he, a. needed to do something about the unwanted porn images that flash into his head, even though he hasn't had an actual relapse in a long time, and, b. did a lot of research before stumbling on this website. c. He's also putting in the work on things that haven't come easy in the past for him, like using the FANOS tool and intentionally scheduling time for cuddling.

    Have you tried any of those things with your partner? Even if she doesn't want to participate, maybe she would listen while you go through FANOS? And cuddling, even when you might not feel like it, like smiling when you are sad, can help a lot!!
    Bewildered and BeautifulWarrior like this.
  11. Placeholder

    Placeholder Guest

    well, the truth is, she doesn't know about my addictions. i've been recovering in secret, and i really don't believe our marriage would survive if i made a full, or even partial, disclosure at this point, i don't think our marriage would survive.

    our marriage has been troubled for many years. over time, i just stopped caring and let my addictions run wild. about a year ago, for various reasons, it became clear i had to get my life under control. as part of my recovery, i've been trying really hard to make our marriage work better. and she has reciprocated in some ways, so i guess my criticism of her is unfair. but...she's just a very difficult person, and some days it's really difficult for me to stay on track.

    anyway...thanks so much for your suggestions and thoughts. you are kind and thoughtful, and i'm glad your husband recognizes that he's a fortunate man.
    Sebastiannaciente likes this.
  12. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Let me be blunt. You want to know what hurt me the most when my husband finally told about his porn addiction? The years of deception. The fact that he was addicted to porn before I married him and he didn't tell me before we walked down the aisle. The fact that I could sense something was terribly wrong, and asked him repeatedly, but he looked me right in the face and said everything was fine. The fact that he fought this addiction for years and didn't tell me until he basically was forced to by circumstances out of his control.

    That's not to say I think telling her would be easy. My husband was terrified to tell me. He was convinced I would leave him and, for a long time after his secret was revealed, didn't even really believe it when I told him I wouldn't. To this day he feels like a horrible person and doesn't really even accept that he has the forgiveness of me and God.

    I can't tell you your wife would stay. But you can't tell me she would leave either. Neither of us knows for sure. You admire me for what I'm doing to support my husband and yet you won't give her the same chance.

    Honestly, as the wife of an addict, the concept of "recovering in secret"/keeping your wife in the dark, makes me angry and sick to my stomach. Secrets are toxic. Toxic to recovery and toxic to a marriage. I wish you the best in your recovery, I really do, but I cannot stand silent on this topic. I believe telling your wife is the only way to go, no matter what the outcome.
  13. Placeholder

    Placeholder Guest

    Thanks for honest opinion. I agreed with much of what you said...until I got to the "no matter what the outcome" part.

    You're right, I don't know what would happen if I told her. But I know this situation better than you. And I know which outcomes I can live, and which I can't, if things don't go as planned.

    I respect your opinion, and understand it reflects a more noble moral standard. But I'm not trying to be noble. I'm just doing the best I can to take care of the people I'm responsible for.
  14. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    I just have to give credit where credit is due: Mark and Debbie Laaser of Faithful and True Ministries is where the FANOS tool came from. :)

    And I am so glad it's working for you, @fupornwife
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  15. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Good to know. I googled and didn't seem to find a good, original source.
  16. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    We'll just have to agree to disagree.

    And, to be clear, I'm pretty sure I read you mentioning this on some other post and I didn't say anything. But this is, afterall, my journal post and I feel very strongly about that, so I spoke up. I won't keep bringing it up, unless you do. :)

    And, I'm going to edit myself a bit. I believe telling your wife is the RIGHT way to go, no matter what the outcome.
    Mackswell Hope likes this.
  17. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was day five. We did FANOS again and cuddled a bit, but I feel like that's where we need to step up the efforts.
  18. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Went to church today. My husband initiated holding my hand and putting his arm around me, even as he juggled our 2 year old. It was nice!
  19. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm feeling a bit sad and confused tonight. I read some more on yourbrainonporn and it has my head spinning. I'm learning more about porn addiction than I've ever known before and it's a bit overwhelming and depressing.

    Plus, I keep going back and forth on the whole, do we really need to not have sex for 90 days? thing. Part of me feels like I'd be willing to do anything if there's a chance it could actually help my husband do this reboot thing. Part of me is having a hissy fit and justifying why it's not necessary. It's day eight and I miss having Os. I miss being naked with my husband. And it's only going to get harder, I assume. But on the other hand I've seen so many small improvements and signs of hope! I wonder though, if that's due to the FANOS and 30 minutes of cuddling or the no Os for both of us. I guess I've decided the no O thing may not be necessary for me but it may be very helpful for him. So I'm going to keep fighting those, oh, come on, this is stupid, just jump your man! urges in my head.

    To be completely honest, since I'm doing no intentional Os for me too, I'm finding that masturbation was probably more of a problem for me than I thought. I have to admit, now, that it was a crutch to "help me" through those times I felt sad about our marriage not fulfilling my needs and I know there were lots of times when I could have used the built up sexual energy to initiate sex, but I burned it off myself. It's kind of eye opening.
  20. Sunflower80

    Sunflower80 Fapstronaut

    I absolutely agree with you. The deception is what hurts the most. My ex would do the same thing. He would say nothing was wrong and that he would never do something to hurt me. For 8 years I believed him. I always felt something was wrong. That's why I would check his phone once in a while. Never found anything until this last time. And that's when my heart and my world were broken. If he would have said something earlier we could have been past this!

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