My husband is a porn addict.

Did you discover it or did he disclose these additional details in a follow-up conversation? Did he volunteer the information or did you have to pry it out of him with a crowbar?

 

Oreo you that part where you said how could you not know? 20+ hours a week isn't a tip off? Reminded me of a past convo I had with my bf when he admitted he PMO 2 times a day, everyday sometimes more...
I said OMG no wonder you can't O during sex. I never had a chance. It was obvious to me. Surely he is retarded?
He was thinking it was meds... Vanilla sex just couldn't get him off?? He didn't know.
Men... Silly creatures.

 

My bf only confessed the whole truth when I hacked into all his email accounts and he couldn't lie anymore. He was glad I did. Scared I would break up but glad it was all out.
Girl has to do what she's gotta do. If I did what he did I would expect no less.

 

That's a terrible way to find out. Every new round of discoveries feels like another major betrayal. Each new batch of truths rips the band-aid off the wound. Good for you for kicking him out! Actions have consequences. Each time you hold your ground will wake him up a little more to the seriousness of the situation. We addicts are liars and cowards. For years we have lived in fear of someone discovering our secret. Our natural tendency is to hide, avoid, dodge, distract, deflect, or minimize the truth. We do it so often that it becomes second nature. We do it ourselves when we compartmentalize. Not only does the PMO behavior have to stop but the secondary behaviors have to change as well. Peeling back the layers of lies to get to the truth is painful. Waking up to the seriousness of the addiction involves, not only realizing how unacceptable the porn is, but also the mental, emotional, and mental damage we have done to ourselves and how it has affected everyone around us.

You are correct in thinking that true healing only comes through honesty. It is a quality that he is going to have to re-learn. We may even mistakenly think we are 'protecting' our wives by not telling them the whole truth.... as if we are being honorable or noble. Hopefully he learned something last night.

 

I'm sure the why and how will solicit many answers, but my answer is weakness and selfishness.

Selfishness because when it starts, you are thinking only of yourself, be you a child or adult, it's about your own thrills and kicks.

Weakness because as the time goes by, you depend on those thrills and kicks to get you through negative feelings and situations in life.

 

Here are some must read links:
http://www.NoFap.com/porn-addiction/
http://www.NoFap.com/rebooting/
http://fightthenewdrug.org/

Our PMO addiction starts off when we are first exposed to pornography. At first it's a curiosity and it feels good. We enjoy the excitement that comes from the dopamine rushes our brain produces. We also enjoy a calm that comes from an opiod release when we orgasm. Somewhere along the way we use these brain chemicals to medicate ourselves when we feel bad. The mental pathways are already formed and now we use them to alter our moods. When we feel stressed, anxious, worthless, low-self esteem, or bored we know how to feel better. Pretty soon we start using PMO as a reward system for having a good day or as a pick me up when we are having a bad day. It seems like harmless fun until we realize we cannot stop. A major component of recovery is realizing what emotion we are medicating and then finding healthier ways to cope.

These feelings often pre-date getting married and we mistakenly think our problems will disappear when we get a steady source of sex. It is less a sex problem and more an unhealthy way to alter our uncomfortable moods. Married life may introduce stresses that may make an addict seek comfort in PMO, but marital stresses are NEVER a justification to engage in PMO. As time goes on we escalate into more stimulating forms of porn to get the same kind mind-altering result. These fetishes start going away when porn is cut off during recovery. A common component of a PMO session involves going into auto-pilot mode or a trance where the part of the brain that thinks "I shouldn't be doing this" is shut off.

To perpetuate this habit we have to compartmentalize our thoughts and emotions. How can a good honest person get involved in something so disgusting? How can a moral, religious person do this? How can a married man with a family not know it's wrong to do this? A rational mind cannot reconcile these opposite, contradictory value systems. So we put it in a box in our minds and we deceive ourselves into thinking our addiction isn't hurting anyone.

This addiction is so much MORE than bad habit. There is no such thing as being a little addicted. Recovery is more than merely abstaining. It's going to involve recovering our humanity and making us whole again.

 

So well said. Thank you

 

I can only speak from my experience. My SO is a tough bird. She was 9 months pregnant when she exploded all over me. Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Flames and mushroom clouds.

She demanded everything from me. Truth, confession, concession, everything.

It would have been too easy to kick me out. Too easy for her to leave. She wanted her answers. Her comeuppance. Her pound of flesh. Her retribution. She wanted me to feel her. To know. To have it sink into my bones. She built a right proper bonfire under my arse.

It went on for weeks. Months. The talking and fighting, wailing and whinging.

In the end, it's what worked. I stopped. And I've not slipped one time.

You've got to do what is right for you now. Not for him. For you.

 

Love this! Thank you. The science behind this is facinating and really does help. Educate yourself, get your guy to educate himself, there are answers out there and solutions. If he wants PMO to stop, to stop hurting his relationship he has got to look for the answers to these questions that I want to get better poses.
The truth is out there...

Showing my age a little with that quote

 

Just as an recovering alcoholic has to be on guard for the rest of their lives, we have to be on guard for the rest of our lives. We cannot control the world around us and we are going to forever be tempted, but what we can control is how we react to it. As the underlying issues get addressed then porn will start to lose it's appeal, our hunger for it will subside. As he develops a toolbox of coping skills he will be able to resist temptations easier. As his brain gets used to being in a calmer state of mind the need for hyperstimulation will be reduced. As time goes by the porn flashbacks will subside. The fetishes and fantasies will also start to go away. As his recovery progresses his willpower will get stronger and he will be able to resist going into autopilot mode. As your relationship heals he will learn to turn to you as the only source of sexual release.

One form of rebooting involves no P, no M, and no O for a period of time. I think that is mostly for single people and discourages one night stands and the use of prostitutes. Most married reboots involve no P and no M and only O with the wife. Having sex with your partner is going to be part of healing your relationship. Yes, having sex can bring back flashbacks. Sex can also be mistakenly used to bring his fantasies to life. Sex can also remind him what he's been missing and want to get more of it on his own (called the Chaser Effect). He needs to be mentally and emotionally present with you when you have sex. And sex can be used as a healthy reward system. All of these things will need to be considered before resuming sexual activities.

 

"Congratulations for not slipping! That's great!"

Thank you. It's been a journey.

"I hope he finds the will power and determination to do the same."

The will power and determination, if applied correctly, do not result in abstaining. They result in a change of head. A complete shift of thought and stream of consciousness. The abstaining is merely a product of mindset.

What it boils down to is understanding that you've spent 17 years dining on sewage and toxic waste telling yourself it was ice cream the whole time. Realizing that sewage and toxic waste have riddled your life, your family, your body and your mind with cancer, rotting infection and wasting disease, well, you can call it ice cream no longer.

 

@Letsrun123
Awe your Lil boy needs a happy mommy ... I am sorry you're hurting .. I know the feeling I am still hurt after leaving my fiance because he chose porn over me and is into dangerous (VR)
Virtual reality porn
When I left he slipped further into the addiction .. I think you have a chance to make this work with your husband .. I understand the SD card thing my ex had those too as well as a raspberry pi used for porn he is a technical sneak I call it out as I see fit .. Then again I know how you feel finding things over and over the months .. I am still finding things out and I left .. His addiction is killing me still !!