Logbook and progress- New start after being away

This thread is in the nofap academy forum, also. Copying it here so everyone can weigh in.

This time I actually believe I can succeed.

Long time masturbation/porn addict. 35 years old, single. I have been clean a few times since I was 16. Once for 3 months when I was 20. Then again last year for 45 days when I found nofap. I have not watched any hardcore for over 6 months. Youtube, Instagram, and Pinterest have been my fantasy material sources for the last couple years. I am being honest with myself now and going hard reboot. No stimulation at all. I am going to need everyone's help. But I promise that if I succeed, you will be inspired. I will be living proof of how amazing our lives can be.

I am doing this because I still have dreams and goals.
I want to live in another country.
I want to travel.
I want to embrace challenges and change.
I want to serve God the best I can.
I want to be happy.
I want to be confident.
I want to love fully.
I want to love myself.

 

I just reread what I wrote earlier. Wow. Part of me says "That was pathetic."
Put into perspective- we probably all feel desperate after we PMO. Then comes the wave of "I am going to change," complete with its resolve and positive actions (i.e. signing up here). We fight hard for a bit, then lose focus or forget we have a problem. Stress or simple mundane habits take over and the cycle starts all over again.

I don't want be in that cycle anymore. This pathetic plebe pattern is exactly that. Not to hurt anyone's feelings (and we all have differing levels of addiction and will power), but what does it take for this to stick? Are we really that helpless? It has been done before. So what is the excuse for not living a real life?

I think each one has to find THEIR reason for quitting, and remind them-self of it all the time. I know what I want. I am tired of just talking about it. I am going Air Jordan on life and Just Doing It. And if I fail I will own it. I have always been a brutal perfectionist and extremely hard on myself, so I will try not to let the pendulum swing so far that it is counterproductive. But I need to care a lot about this and show it. I know what nofap can do for a man. I felt invincible last year during my 45 day streak. I felt happy. I felt confident. I felt healthy. I slept better. Women were crazy about me without me even trying. Then I got seriously sick and I lost myself in the illness. Now that I am mostly recovered, I want to gain that life back. And more.

 

Today I have been thinking a lot about the idea of embracing discomfort. Feeling it, recognizing it, but not fleeing from it with an escape. It is such a powerful thought that I can absolutely deal with anything that is thrown at me. Thinking back over the years about all the bad things that have happened and all the dysfunction- growing up in an alcoholic home, multiple major health scares, the breakup of my parents, the death of my father. I always felt alone, and to be honest, on an emotional level was. I used masturbation as a coping mechanism, then later porn, also. I was at my lowest when dad died. Very few times did I actually truly deal with an issue head on without sexual escape.

That was years ago, and I am wiser and more experienced now. Feeling fully all of life's ups and downs and the associated stress is truly living. Right now is where to live. I took a cold shower last night, and it was a revelation. I used to think cold showers would just get rid of an erection and shock you into not being horny. I missed the entire point. The discomfort... Whenever stress starts to eat at me, I embrace it. When I am in the gym and that last set seems impossible... it is possible. I am fiercely independent, but my biggest fear is being alone. Now when I am alone and things seem hopeless I can embrace the solitude. It will only serve to steel me. I am going to test the limits of my soul and be a stronger person.

 

My reboot will be 90 days, hard mode. I do not want to say that any self touching in a sexual way constitutes a restart because I recognize that I may in a moment of weakness start and then stop myself. If that happens, I do not want to feel like a failure, because, in all reality it would actually be a win. But it is my goal to reject any thoughts, inclinations, and desires before they become physical action.

Now off to the gym.

 

Spent the entire day with friends. Just a couple things I want to reflect on.

One is that I really have to work on viewing attractive girls/women as I would anyone else. Not that I treat them any differently for the most part, but I find myself focusing on their physical features instead of who they are and their personality. This all takes place in my mind. I actually have no problem with the interaction. I get along well with the ladies. I prefer their company to men, to be honest. Once I got over my social phobias a year or so ago, a whole new world has opened up to me. And since I have spent more time with girl friends the last year I have grown tremendously in this area. I can chat up any girl I meet and be successful in having a fun conversation and her be happy (or even want) to see me again, mainly because I am not trying to get anything from her or impress her. But I want the transformation of thought process from this sometimes perverted way of thinking to a cleaner one to be complete. Sometimes a girl is just that sexy/beautiful, but I gotta try. Once I get this kicked I will date one of these girls and marry her.

Thinking more on the above I realize that I have a problem with how I view all women. If a girl is not attractive, I treat her differently in my mind, also. I am judging them from the get-go based on appearance. A porn based physical/sexual sizing up, if you will. I need this reboot badly.

The other thing was when I left the group, I felt a deep sense of loss and loneliness. It hurt. Instead of wallowing in it, I called a close friend that lives far away and caught up on the drive home. I felt great afterwards. In the past, I would isolate myself and inevitably PMO or MO. I told myself tomorrow is another day. Get through today. Get some sleep. Wake up happy.
Tomorrow IS going to be a good day.

 

4 days in. Still going strong. I have been very busy and out with people all weekend. I was able to make amends with a couple people with whom things were a little weird. I didn't even really think about what I was going to say. They were just there and I decided in the moment to clear the air. These type of pure, genuine interactions are what I want in my life. When I am not fapping I don't carry guilt or shame or the thought that others don't know the real me. I feel free to be me. So much less stress, and I can feel and see that I have something to offer. I am more determined than ever to keep this ball rolling. I have decided to not renew my lease in November and do some traveling. I'm going to sell most of my possessions and actually do something about moving to another country. Looking at South and Central America.

I am preparing for some random attack of horniness to try and ruin this. Embrace the discomfort. Be strong. There are so many better things to do.

 

I just finished watching module 2-2 in the academy. Things that hit home:
1. Prepare for testosterone spike within the next week and be willing to get through it no matter how uncomfortable it is.
2. Be happy that I have done some work already and was only MO'ing every week or so. I remember when I was doing it multiple times a day with hard-core porn. I was a nervous wreck and the cravings were almost unstoppable.
3. Realizing that time goes by quickly. A year will be here in no time. Which brings me to this: My goal is 365 days no PMO. Lofty, but doable.

I finished work early today. In the past I would go home, be bored, and inevitably end up at least masturbating out of boredom more than anything else. I do not feel any real urge to do that today. I know on another day I will be horny and I will have to control myself. As long as I find constructive things to do, I seem to be okay. I workout pretty much everyday, and meditate while doing so. The quiet reflection has really helped me realize that I have a great life. The only piece missing in my mind is a wife. But I have to do this work first.

I started selling things and clearing out my place in preparation for a potential move/long term vacation. Every day I try and do at least one thing that brings me closer to realizing a goal. It keeps me in the present, and reminds me of the future I am going to have.

I also want to mention that I have cut out any entertainment that features any type of sexual content at all. No scantily clad women, no love scenes, nothing. I guess I will never know what happens to Don Draper.

 

One week done. Feeling great, but do not want to be over confident.
Spent all morning with friends. Mainly girls. The interaction is really good for me. The more time I spend with these awesome people, the more I realize how empty I was when porn was ruining my life. I was so self conscious and guarded. People could not relate to me because I was so unstable. I just feel like "I got this."

Spent more time thinking about realistic personal goals for my present circumstances in addition to my big dreams. I am going to do what I can and hopefully small achievements will lead to big things.

Still waiting for a super horny day. I am going to crush that wave of temptation when it comes.

 

Today is the first day I have had a few passing sexual thoughts. I kicked them out straight away. Just a little indulgence can turn into a full bore relapse. I have been here before. Not going to let it get to me this time. The quicker I reject a thought pattern, the easier it is to do so.

I am a little less motivated today for the gym and getting stuff done in general. I do recognize that this could lead me back to where I was. So I am going to force myself to workout and meditate later.

I put some things for sale that I just do not use anymore. Booked a trip last night. Going to get out of town next month for a week. One month reward. I will make it.

 

Update on last post. Went to gym. Worked myself ragged. Came home, took a cold shower, ate, and crashed.

Time is going by fast. I went out of town for a couple days to visit friends and take care of some work/personal stuff. It is amazing to tackle a day/task without even thinking about fapping. There is no dark cloud hanging over me. I don't crave it. I already forget what that release feels like. The superpowers are kicking in. Since taking care of myself is now a top priority that does't get pushed aside to fap, I am really logging the gym time and rest. I look and feel awesome.

I did have a couple moments this weekend when I took action to make sure my mind stayed in line. I was swimming with some friends and there were a couple older teenage girls that I am close to there. One of them jumped up on my back in the pool (likely without even thinking of the implications of it). I felt pretty uncomfortable with giving her a piggy back ride, especially since I almost instantly started getting an erection. I dumped her off ASAP and didn't let anything like that happen again. Another one was kind of random. I was checking out some places to go in Croatia on airbnb and just started imagining taking my future wife on some escape for a few weeks. The time alone, the romance, blah, blah, blah. Great if I am married and have a healthy outlet for that, but I don't now, and it made me think of sex. So I had to get up and do something else.

I am trying to figure out a way to reduce my living expenses so that I have more money to travel and do other things. I am considering buying a small fixer upper house outright, but man what a project that would be. I know how to do all that it would involve (lots of construction experience), but I don't know if I want to do that now. It would mean moving about 15-20 minutes away from where I live now, which is in an ideal location. The other option is take on a roommate (my place is big). I have living with other dudes. I need to find a responsible, clean, laid back person to rent a room and a bathroom. In the meantime, I am going to look at a couple places for sale tomorrow. Definitely not going to do anything hasty, but I am tired of paying someone else's mortgage. The cool thing about trying to figure out what I am going to do about my housing situation is that now that I am not fapping, I am less stressed about my problems. Before, the stress would eat at me and I thought I couldn't handle it, so I would PMO. Which just made things worse. So I would fap more. Now I am just weighing my options calmly and will do the best I can with the decision. So much better.

Fapping will only provide a passive release from your problems. It is fleeting, and when the rush is over, you are worse off than before. Don't let that cycle suck you in. Face your problems. Smash them. The struggle strengthens you. Embrace the discomfort.

 

I have made it past 2 weeks. The last few days have been difficult. Due to carelessness someone put me through a very difficult ordeal. Super stressful and unnecessary. I was a raging lunatic when it happened. I was angrier than I can remember being about anything for a long time. I basically let myself be angry for a while. Just let it run its course. Which is new for me. I would have buried it all with fapping before. It was actually pretty empowering. But damn, I was mad.

I have felt more in the way of sexual tension the last few days, too. But again, I am not letting my mind dwell on it. I am just kind of letting things "be" and keeping control over myself. Still hitting the gym a lot. I am really trying to focus and meditate while I lift. It's very therapeutic. On the other hand, I am more confident and free than I have been since my last nofap challenge. I can honestly tell people that I am great and smile. Life is awesome right now. I also think I found a roommate. A buddy of mine that I actually get along well with. Hopefully he can make the transition.

Now onto the logbook. I just finished watching 3-1 about buying into the reboot process. I can honestly say that I am 100% vested in this thing. I want to change my mind. I want to reboot. I cannot imagine how great I will feel in my "natural" state. I want control over myself and my life. I want to be able to give myself over 100% to the woman I eventually fall in love with. These thoughts motivate me unlike anything I have tried to use before as motivation. To be in control and calm. Porn and masturbation used to control me. I was compulsive. It hurt my relationships. I felt dirty. I felt like a liar. I felt like a fake. I was insecure. I objectified women (still working on this). It has held me back in so many areas of my life. I feel like I am unleashing myself from some sort of terrible, almost unbreakable bonds. I cannot think of a single lasting benefit porn and masturbation has ever provided for me. It is useless. I am simply not going to do it any more.

 

I am past three weeks. I am flatlining right now, so it has not been too difficult to abstain from masturbating. I am not that worried about porn anymore TBH. The biggest thing I am noticing is that I have absolute clarity in thought. I can really focus on things. I am thinking more deeply now about life and what I want, my goals, where I am going.

I feel in control of myself. The thought of masturbating frightens me even because I don't want to lose this. I put that thought into context realizing that it may lead to a downward spiral, but PMO repulses me at this point. It's not for me. Going back to my thoughts... I can reflect now on my feelings and put them into context. Just a little reflection or meditation (whatever you want to call it) has a profound effect on peace of mind and stress. It really is something.

I wish time would go by faster so that I can get to where I am going. I guess the journey and the work will make me appreciate it more.

 

Another few days gone by. I told a close friend what I was doing this weekend. He is married with 3 daughters. And impressed. Back when we were younger, porn was hard to find. You had to look for it. He found his dad's stash when he was a teen, but only got into it from time to time when he was alone. Then he moved out, eventually got a girlfriend, and got married. No internet back then. How times have changed. Anyways, it felt good to have someone I trust and respect in the loop. I plan on keeping him updated.

My flatline is starting to die down. Had a few moments of arousal, but I was quick to get my mind on something else. As long as I keep focused on how clean and good I feel along with my future I am able to easily kill thoughts that I don't want. Giving up my life is just not worth a few minutes of fleeting pleasure.

 

Thanks, man. Yesterday was my hardest day yet. I felt really lonely and have been fighting a cold. When I am sick I feel really vulnerable (yes, I will admit that). It's like my emotions are so much stronger and negative when I am not feeling well physically. I had a difficult time falling asleep and even fantasized some. However, the fantasy was different. It was not selfish or overpoweringly sexual. It was more focused on connection than anything else. It was almost a step forward in that it featured a close, intimate relationship instead of only sexual gratification. I didn't touch myself and I didn't even imagine actual intercourse, just a little foreplay. After about 30 seconds I realized what I was doing and thought about something else. So I watched some youtube clips of Jimmy Kimmel. I once searched for "hot latinas" but did not click on any of the videos, and realized what a mistake that would be. I now feel even more confident that I can do what is necessary to stay on track.

My relationships continue to get better. I am able to really give someone my undivided attention. I look people in the eye. Today when I was leaving the grocery store a young woman had a flat tire, so I went over and helped. And I was completely comfortable the entire time. I talk less about meaningless crap and fluff and more about what really matters to people. I get to know people. Really get to know them. I am more generous. And truly happier.

I am not sharing this to boast about how great a person I am. I have tons of work to do, and always will. But I am telling you guys, you become a much better person if you can get off PMO. Everyone that is around you and loves you benefits. If you can just hang in there and get past week one, you will see what I mean. I will hit a month here in a couple days. I continue to be very busy socially, which is making time fly and helps to keep me on track. The next two weeks are packed. I am excited to continue this journey.

 

One month down. The last couple days all I can think about are girls. And how badly I want a girlfriend. I told myself that I was going to do my 90 day reboot without this type of thinking, but I have been pretty much alone my entire life, and now that I am not deadening that pain with PMO, it is absolutely my biggest issue. For the first time in my life I genuinely feel like I have a lot to offer and the confidence to back it up. I am not looking to pursue the first attractive woman that comes along, but I am definitely not shying away from the chance of a serious relationship. No rush. I have wrapped my head around what I am feeling and what I am going to do about it.
BTW- I do not want a relationship for the sex. For me that will come only after I tie the knot. This is about intimacy, trust, and that unique bond.

 

I have hit a wall. I am down. I am inwardly hurting. Family crap (mother is and addict and a mess). This stuff is why I PMO'd in the first place. Night before last I spent 2 hours looking at pics and vid clips of scantily clad women. Not porn, per se, but it basically had the same effect. Deaden pain. Escape. I did not touch myself once and I had that "What the hell am I doing?!" moment, so I am not restarting the counter. It was like I was trying to get as close to the line as I could without crossing it. I felt bad about it. And yesterday I was horny and I seem to have lost the edge I have had the last few weeks. That genuine happiness now takes some thinking to bring back to the front. It is still there. The hope is still there. I am working for it now, though.

I have stopped myself from looking at arousing material twice since the minor slip a couple days ago. If I repeat it I will likely have to serious rethink where I am. On a positive note, I am actually really facing the inner demons and turmoil inside me. The loneliness. The past and present pain. It's dirty work and it sucks. But I am not going back to porn. Simply not an option.

 

I seem to be back on track mentally. No strong urges or anything out of the bounds of normal. Feeling good again. Staying busy. Working towards my goals. I am feeling really positive and happy.

I have had to think a lot about who exactly I want to be and how I want to spend my time. My time wasters/escape behaviors.

I want my life to be relationship centered.
I want to help people.
I want to see the world.

To that end, I am going to make more plans with friends. I am going to travel more. I am going to continue to do volunteer work. I am also reading books on bettering relationships and am going to continue to make my health and well being a priority. How can I have good relationships if I am not feeling well and healthy? Also, I have thought of a way to live in another country and keep my US based business. Exciting stuff.

That is all for now. Carry on with the journey...

 

Reset. I had a tough night last night. Lonely. Could not sleep. What started as instagram surfing turned into listening to sexual sounds and MO'ing. I felt guilt this morning and repeated. I did not think this would happen, which is precisely why it happened.

I am tired today. Feel numb. Completely unmotivated. Deeply sad. Time to reinvest. We all fall many times.