Logbook and progress- New start after being away

Thanks Wolfgang44. And ThatOneGuy56.

A little encouragement goes a long way. I have been thinking more about where I draw my line in terms of what I allow myself, and my mind in particular, to do. I know it may sound counterproductive and harsh, but I am going to reset if I intentionally look at anything inappropriate and arousing or if I fantasize intentionally. This has been my goal all along and the key to the success that I have had, but now that it is set as a standard, it should serve to remind me when those thoughts or situations come around. Basically get rid of the gray area.

I am telling another friend about my problem today. My other buddy lives a couple hours from me, and we don;t see each other that much. This friend I see various times every week.

I know it is not the end of the world to relapse. But to tell the truth, I has been a long time since I have felt this low about letting myself and others down. It can be a good thing. I don't want to go through this again.

 

One more thing- it is my belief that porn is much worse than fantasizing on one's own and masturbating. Neither are good, but the effects of porn on the brain are why we are all here, not just whacking off. Masturbation can be addictive for sure, but the escalation factor and the novelty effects of porn simply are not the same as just masturbating. If I had a quick O last night without porn I would not feel nearly as guilty and down as I have today. In my religion and according to the Bible, wanton unchecked greedy porn usage is much, much more serious than an occasional masturbation session (minor sin). Just sharing that so that anyone reading this will know where I stand on it.

 

I have regressed. The last couple days have been a full bore relapse with multiple PMO sessions. So I have to restart the reboot completely. The trigger for all this has been loneliness. I have had to work alone all day, then come home to an empty house. On top of that, I saw a couple close friends get married, and my desire for that (and lack of progress in that area) hit me hard. I need to work on my belief that being in a relationship is necessary for true happiness.
I have to go to work now, but I wanted to check in and get back on track. I am going to spend less overall time on the internet and social networks and more time on nofap. I am going to process and learn from this mistake. I can get back to where I was.

 

Trying to stay on track. This time around is not so easy as before. But I am trying. I am still focused on my goals and the future. I have been spending more time out with friends instead of alone at home. I need to go back to the gym.

When I told my friend what was going on he was helpful. And understanding. He asked me if there was a reason I did not date, and when I told him I wanted to be done with PMO he asked me for how long. I told him 90 days, and he asked what happened if I never made 90 days. Or if I made 90, started dating, then relapsed. Would I break it off? He told me not to wait as long as I was genuinely working at it. And that not feeling alone and having that type of companionship and intimacy would probably help me a lot. He doesn't want to see me keep passing on great girls just because I'm not perfect in other words. It was a lot to think about. I am not giving up. I am stressed about the big changes I am about to make with selling some stuff, traveling, moving out of the country, etc. I am way out of my comfort zone, but if I don't try I am going to regret it.

Focus for week:
Get back into gym
Rest plenty
Work proactively and finish jobs early
Decide what relationships I want to work on and cultivate more (support system)
Organize my plans more thoroughly

 

This morning I M'd without any visual or audio stimulation. Not good, but better than PMO.

Strangely, afterward I feel ok. No crushing guilt. Just the realization that I chose fleeting pleasure over fulfillment in this case. I am coming around mentally to fully vesting myself in this again. Started making my lists of ppl I am going to invest more time in. I have a lot of great friends. So much to be thankful for, it makes me wonder why I ever despair or feel depressed and lonely.

 

I have been a mess. Stressed out, overcome by the day to day grind. Everything was going great then one thing set me back and it's almost like I gave up. I need to reinvest in the process and really try again.

 

I have been gone for a while. I was porn free for a month or so, then started on the youtube videos. Today I went to a cam site for a few minutes and PMO'd. I have been working towards my goal of moving to another country, and the stress of the process has overwhelmed me at times. I also have stopped working out.

I am going to try again.

 

This is so much harder now for some reason . I am still on the non-porn arousing material. But I cannot seem to get out of this negative funk. I feel for some reason the overwhelming pressure to serve others, to do what I think they want me to do. It's crushing and counterproductive. I have been so stressed and anxious simply because I can't just sit down and think what I want. It's some kind of martyr complex I have always had. More anxious for others' approval than I am comfortable with being me and being ok with that.

What is so hard to swallow about this is that what I want most people would think is great and would support me 100%. They would be happy for me. But instead I commit and oblige myself to do things that I THINK others want me to do, then I feel like crap when I do them because it's not what I want. I'm not talking about doing things for others. I mean MY choices and life decisions. It's ridiculous.

Inside I feel unworthy, unlovable, and like a loser (though everything on the surface screams otherwise). Re-read this journal. Optimist loser crap. It's time for me to face these issues and move forward even though it will suck.

 

Relapsed. I have been sick all week and terrible weather has me inside. Alone. I signed up for reboot camp again. I am struggling, but not completely out. I made myself go out yesterday, and again today. Just to the movies, but it's better than home alone.

I reconnected through a mutual friend with a girl I met several years ago. I have one really great night with her at a said friend's wedding. I called her a few times and then it just fizzled due to distance. and we were both younger and probably not looking for anything serious at the time. She lives on the other side of the country, but I have a phone date later this week. It's time for me to face my intimacy fears and actually try to get to know a woman and let her know me.

Which brings me to my next issue/problem. I have thought that I want to move and live in another country. A simpler life. But there's a part of me that thinks that the only reason I desire this is to run from my issues and go somewhere I can start over (and possibly where there are more available women). This may be very faulty reasoning. My issues are not going to disappear if I move. I may put myself in a better situation to succeed, but I will still have to face them. (Plus there is the added complication of what to do with my business, what I will do for $, etc.)

Wisdom says that all I can do is deal with today. Every time I feel stress and anxiety, I am making myself count to 10 and do a few breathing exercises. It has helped. Going to rewatch reboot camp now.

 

22 hours under my belt. I made it a point to get out of the house again last night and spend time with close family. I bought an X-box 1 (my first game console ever) so as to provide me with a distraction if I get stuck at home again. Maybe faulty reasoning, but I want to make sure that i have several alternatives to PMO available for those tough moments. I have a history of going on spending sprees when I am down, and this was no doubt one of those times, but I have the money, so oh well.
I also watched some of the modules from the Academy again, and I now am beginning to remember why I wanted out of PMO in the first place. Fortunately, the utter brain fog I had months ago when I first started this journey has not set in yet (catching it early enough I hope), but the loneliness and anxiety are palpable. I just stop, breath, and remind myself that it will get better. Just spent some time meditating, and I feel better already.
One hour at a time these first few days.

 

Instagram... I am keep falling into the trap of looking at friends of friends looking for girls. Nothing sexual (though I have looked for sexual contact and tags before on it), just thinking about how badly I want a gf. Basically totally creeping on IG. On top of it, I keep getting girls that I have never met asking to follow me, some of which are hot. "What's the problem?", you may ask. I have never met these ppl, which to me is a red flag. It just adds fuel to the fire of my issues. I want intimacy, pretty girl I have never met that lives who knows where that I will probably never meet or get to know- not a real connection if you know what I mean. Seems like a waste of emotion and a distraction from pursuing a relationship that has actual potential. So frustrating.

 

Still hanging in there. The negative emotions are pretty overwhelming at times, but I just tell myself that PMO is not an option or an answer. Endure and it will get better.

Spent the morning with some ppl and now feel a bit better. I have also gotten some nice texts from family members who have been thinking about me. Always nice for ppl to tell you that they care. (I say that because I cannot say that I really feel loved. My issue there. Trying to get over myself and move one. I have to have some worth.) What I do know is that if I can make it past a week I will start to feel the superpowers kick in and I will be more on track.

Also, I have a phone date tomorrow night.

 

Module 3-1 Negative Aspects of porn for me:
1. Increased anxiety- I use it to escape issues, but afterward the problems and anxiety are intensified due to the guilt and poor decision I made.
2. Lack of control- when I am using porn and have binged, I am seemingly unable to control my actions and I do things that I told myself I would not (watch porn, masturbate again, and again, and again)
3. PMO has been a substitute for real intimacy- I have not forced my self to overcome my fear of rejection/abandonment issues because I can always get a temporary fake fix with some girl on a screen.
4. Morally I feel it is wrong- Probably should be at the top of my list. It harms my relationship with God.
Now that I have a couple days under my belt, I am terrified to look at porn or anything that might get me going. It's not a bad feeling.

 

Instagram this morning was not a good decision. I ended up looking at some fitness model profiles for a few minutes. Snapped myself out of it. Just thought about what the end game would be with that path. Not worth it. So I got up out of bed and moved forward with the day. I have a full day planned, so that should help me.

I have a phone date tonight with a girl on the opposite coast that I just got back in touch with after years without talking. (Just kind of fizzled due to distance.) We are both still single somehow (she's got a lot going for her- smart, beautiful, etc.). Anyways- I was not nervous at all about it until this morning. I am actually glad for that. If there were no butterflies I would have to ask myself if I was really interested. I already find myself "nitpicking" her looks and the little I know of her personality and looking for reasons why the relationship will not work. I look at her pics on IG in which she has no makeup on and think she is not hot enough, when the reality is that she is simply not whoring herself out with tons of eyeliner and makeup and could be every bit as sexy and hot as the girls I have trained myself to see as sexually desirable. If you have ever looked at the pron star before/after makeup pics you know exactly what I am talking about. She is a good girl that is actually a stunner if I can get over the shallow view I tend to take. I nitpick as a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of rejection or abandonment- end the relationship before she can- but I am aware of it now that I am more mature and will not let that keep me from giving things a chance. I also find myself looking for "alternatives", that is, other girls on IG, Facebook (deleted account yesterday), etc. that I will probably never meet. It's like I tell myself that some other girl will be perfect if I just hold out, when the truth is no woman will ever be completely perfect. I need to push through all this discomfort and these issues (even if I feel physically ill over it) until I learn to let a woman really get to know me. Which involves relinquishing a lot of power and being vulnerable- things I am terrified of. I have told myself that I want to get to know someone enough to know whether I want to trust them with all this information about myself. Then I can tell them about my relationship struggles and fear of intimacy. If she is kind and understanding and willing to put up with me as I learn to be with her then we might have a chance.
Another thing I have to keep telling myself is that my views of love and what are realistic expectations for a gf are not exactly reasonable since they have been warped by what I have fed my mind for the last couple decades. Chances are I will not marry a supermodel with a perfect personality (whatever that means). So I need to be realistic and just find a girl that I get along well with, that is kind, and that I can have fun with. And that I am physically attracted to (goes without saying). It's hard to learn to love and relate normally if you have never done it, but I am going to try.

Maybe this will help some of you that have the same underlying issues.

 

Module 3-2 Positives of Porn Use
I am a little afraid to write about positives of porn use, but here I go.
1. Orgasm- physical high
2. Feeling of intimacy/connection with someone/something
3. Escape bad feelings

That's pretty much it

 

Module 3-3 Negatives of Quitting Porn

I know these all too well:
1. Dealing with negative emotions that I have medicating with porn (loneliness, anxiety)
2. Having to find things to do with my extra time (boredom)
3. Fighting/taming sexual urges

 

Module 3-4 Positives of Quitting Porn
1. No longer feel like a fake, feel free to be myself, comfortable with myself (nothing to hide), increased confidence
2. Connect with people more deeply and genuinely
3. Feel morally clean
4. Able to feel and face emotions in a positive way
5. Able to have a healthy and loving sex life
6. Serve as an inspiration for other fapstronauts

 

Darkstar, what you said is exactly what I meant to convey. It always takes time to build that type of trust, even in healthy relationships. But I for sure don't plan on having secrets from the woman I end up spending my life with.