Logbook and progress- New start after being away

Made it to 5 days. Starting to feel the positive vibes again. Working out again is definitely helping.
I have a friend that checks in on me from time to time with this problem. He asked me about it today and I was not completely straight with him. I excluded my most recent relapse. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I know how lying and guilt can feed the PMO monster. I don't want to make that mistake, but it is done. I'll just move forward and next time I will be straight with him no matter how I have been doing.

 

Module 3-5

I promise to quit porn and lead a more awesome life.
1/2/2016
I am bought in. No matter how many tries it takes.

 

Module 3-6 Who I am being?
I spend my time in the following activities (in no particular order):
1.Work- running my business (I spend less time now with this than 6 months ago)
2.Friends and family- Many times I tell myself how lonely I am, but I am not really. I have some great people in my life that I enjoy being with. In fact, I would say these are the most important thing to me.
3. Worrying, being anxious about tomorrow, what-ifs, etc.
4. Masturbating with or without porn
5. Exercise
6. Trying to better myself
7. Watching tv (I have a few shows I follow + some movies) and playing video games
8. Religious activities

My values (not in order) based on this list:
1. Family
2. Bettering myself
3. Sexual gratification
4. Entertainment
5. God/Spiritual

I have a lot of good things going. It is as if PMO is a huge flaw that messes up what could be a really great existence. It is holding me back in many ways.

 

Module 3-7 Who I want to be
New Values:
1. Bettering myself
2. God/Spirituality
3. Family/friendship/ relationships
4. Financial freedom
5. Outdoors/ Nature

So the activities that go with each of these would be:
1. Staying on nofap, reading books, working out
2. Bible study, prayer, group activities
3. Spending time with loved ones, being proactive in showing I care
4. Make good decisions and build my business
5. Hiking, fishing, camping, sports, biking, etc.

 

4-2 Escape behaviors
I tend to want to escape the following emotions/situations:
1. Anxiety
2. Loneliness
3. Stress from being overworked, negative relationship situations
4. Coming home after being with friends (alone)
5. Boredom

Escape behaviors I tend to practice:
1. PMO
2. TV
3. To a very lesser degree video games

 

I am on day 7 and have definitely felt the testosterone spike. Been thinking a lot about the girl I am developing a relationship with. I was in the shower and thought about what it would be like to kiss her and instantly got an erection. Was in the store and there was a very fit girl in tight jeans- more wood. I know this will pass if I can get through the next 24 hours. Not even considering looking at porn or touching myself, but it is pretty amazing how this bump in T comes like clock work at one week.

 

Gampokat- THANK YOU for reading. My logbook is for me mostly, but I hope I can succeed and inspire other fapstronauts. Posts like yours help keep me going.

I realized yesterday that my past failings have been preparing me for this chapter in my recovery and life. I reread all of my posts earlier today, and now see a little better why I have failed and why I must not PMO anymore. I see and remember the benefits of avoiding it. And I can put into better perspective all the negatives of that life. But I had to fail to see it. So for all you out there that are just starting or are just coming off a relapse- it's not the end. Learn. Grow. You have more experience now. Use it. Relapse is part of recovery. I now understand that.

It's like when we first start NoFap we are little children. We make stupid mistakes because we are in uncharted territory for ourselves. We don't even know that the street is dangerous and we should not play in it. We have a close call and a car nearly kills us and we learn. As our journey in life continues we know what to avoid because we have already been there. Another way to think of it is that we are stranded alone on a deserted island. We don't know how we are going to survive. We know nothing about where we are. We almost starve to death, die of thirst, fall into the sand pit, get bit by snakes, etc. But we somehow survive and learn what to do and what not to do. And in the end we are tough and strong and can take anything the elements throw at us. We learn to survive. We learn to thrive. But we have to gain the experience. As much as it hurts. We have to feel the pain to appreciate our purpose.

In the words of Thomas Wayne: "Why do we fall? So we can learn to get up."

 

I'm still here. Busy day today, so not much time to do any modules, but everything is going pretty well.

 

Checking in here just to say I am staying the course. No real big urges to PMO, but I had quite a bit of anxiety yesterday thinking about the date I was going to have that night. Fortunately, it went very well.
I have been able to endure the emotional discomfort I usually try to escape from. It comes and goes. I just remind myself that it will pass and make myself do something, even if I don't feel like it. Tomorrow I will get back on some modules to help me keep my focus.

 

2 weeks. Not a bad start. The last couple days have been difficult due to stress. Getting to know a girl and trying to figure out where I stand with her. Fear, anxiety, all that. In the past I would PMO to swallow those feelings. I did not cave, though. Fortunately, it seems that the girl is really into me, so now I am having another problem: a non-stop boner. She is quite attractive and fun and our conversations are so great I just get turned on. It's like I can't help it. She lives 1200 miles away and we both share the same religious beliefs and values (no sex before marriage), so it's not like anything is going to happen for a while. Hopefully this will pass soon to at least some degree. I am actually hoping for a flat line. It's either that or force myself to stop thinking about her.
Onto the work.
Module 4-3 Escape behavior patterns
Some of my pre-PMO routines have been-
1. Purposeless internet use
2. Late night internet use
3. Extended time on Instagram
4. Days in which I have nothing planned (boredom)
Pretty much anytime I do not have a purpose in mind

 

Day 15. I am feeling good about life in general right now. I made myself do my taxes today, so that is pretty much done. In a relationship with a seemingly amazing girl. Going overseas on a trip for one month in a week or so. Life is good. I still am fighting the boner fest, but I seem to be able to get my mind on something else easier now when it happens. Telling myself that I am a man that is in control of his life and desires and that is becoming more who I want to be is motivation not to weakly give into fleeting, empty desire.

Module 4-4 The Swamp
My swamp is the seeming endless loneliness that I have felt all of my life. The lack of true closeness and vulnerability. I have always beat myself up and tried to be perfect, and the failure to do so leads me to escape behaviors like PMO. If I can learn to open up some more and face my fears I can get out of my swamp. Cutting out PMO will only help me to feel better about myself and what I have to offer. Feeling that I have nothing to hide will help me feel free to let people closer, which can help me feel better about who I am. Instead of the negative swamp cycle, it's a positive upward spiral.

 

16 days. I am already forgetting what the PMO rush feels like. As in I cannot remember why I did it. I am really beginning to recognize again that I can endure negative feelings without escaping them. They will pass. Just being alive is beginning to be enough again.

 

2 more days down. So now at 18 without looking at anything arousing or letting my mind dwell on sexual thoughts. I understand that, as long as I do not let my mind start into the path of PMO, I am fine. The battle is won in the first few moments that a bad thought comes in or a stressful situation triggers the old cycle. It is much easier to win this battle of the mind knowing that if I hold firm the first few moments, the fight is over. Then I am ready for the next one when it comes. It gets easier every time.

Not feeling too confident, though. Big mistake.

 

Last night I watched the latest 007 movie, and it had a bit of an effect on me. I had a semi-erotic dream last night and woke up feeling really horny. Just a couple of implied love scenes in that movie. Fortunately, I have a very full day planned, and the feelings should pass pretty quick. Heading out the door as I type this.

 

20 days.
I was kind of freaking out this morning for some reason, and had a really hard time keeping things under control. Just a random bad day. I started to look at some P subs on instagram, but stopped myself quickly. Later caught myself starting to go that route on youtube, but again managed to shut down the computer. I am just a bit stressed about a long trip I am leaving for in a couple days and all the prep work I have to do before I go.
I am thankful I was able to weather that little storm. What snatched me out of the fire was thinking about having to restart. I don't want to restart. I do not want there to be another "last time." My new life has already begun. The old life is over.

 

23 days down. The next month should be easy since I am going to be very busy and traveling. I'll check in from time to time.

 

30 days and I am not looking back.

 

I got food poisoning, so I have been laid up the last couple days. I have had some problems with the down time, and caught myself starting to look for arousing pics on Instagram and YouTube. I saw a few images, but I was able to shut them down before I lost control of myself.

The battle is real for me and will continue. It is much easier now than before, but I am still going to have triggers and will still have to make my stand for this new life.

On a positive note, I am in a great relationship with a beautiful young woman, and that alone has helped me immensely to grow and be the man I want to be. 90 days is the goal for now, but I can already see myself marrying her, and I want to save myself and have developed self-control for her.
Keep up the fight!

 

Still going. I now am in my own place instead of sharing with my buddy, so I will likely have to be more careful.
Going to do my best to keep the brain on clean stuff and not be home much. Too much to do where I am.