Letting go

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lostneverland, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    But then again the addiction also causes all the erratic behaviour. The relationship is extremely damaged, and at the same time it’s hard for me to let go, we had 17 years together..he’s a part of me.
    It is what it is though, and all the analyzing and thinking won’t change anything. Ultimately he is responsible for his own behaviour and choices.
    Gotta start practicing accepting things as they are...instead of trying to fix things.
     
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  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Reality check: There is a huge difference between acting out in secret at a computer screen (quick, easy, no commitment required) and jumping at the chance to start dating other people. A chemical imbalance might explain the increased desire to engage in unhealthy behavior, but the planning and foresight needed to actually do so are a matter of the heart and the will, not of the brain.

    This simply cannot be explained away by chemistry. It's a tragedy.
     
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  3. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    If his behavior changed that drastically before T therapy that's definitely something to talk to the doc about. I'm personally not a fan of long term replacement therapy and the side affects even in an otherwise healthy man just aren't the greatest in my opinion.

    There's definitely alot of psychological things to get through but if he can't function day to day without these fast mood swings and being so off the chart different it may be more. Serotonin or anything could be way off. Does he get bloodwork done on a regular basis or is it just a once a year checkup?
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Tao Jones and SOofaddict...REALITY CHECK...
    Fact:he left and jumped at the chance.
    Fact: he was on Facebook before he left home
    Fact: he was doing all sorts of things behind my back
    Fact:he lied to over 80 people about his recovery
    Fact:he was on dating sites ,chat sites and porn sites during recovery
    Fact : he lied consistently to me all the time.
    Obviously, I need to to stop explaining away bad behaviour.
    Yes it is a tragedy all the way around.
     
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  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yes-you can't fix it. These were all his choices.
     
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  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I know, I get it...it’s just bad habits coming forward of me trying to fix and rescue. It’s letting go of 17 years of history, of what could have been etc...
    Face the facts, I must.
     
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  7. @Lostneverland so sorry to read of your recent events. With a little time you will be in a better place.
    You know nobody 'normal ' would behave like this - yes we can analyse - I'm a master at it. But it doesn't change anything - other than your knowledge and smartness - it's just has limits.

    Life is full of twists and turns. We never stay in a shit place forever - thank God. You want something better - you'll get it. And I know you will !!
    I'm on start over no. 3 and I recommend it. Life is for growing ourselves - if everybody had the same approach life would be an easier ride all round.
    Shame I've never found a magic wand

    Take care of yourself lovely lady person.
     
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  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Ya this has been a journey of epic proportions. 17 years in a relationship and you think you know a person. I think I’m still in shock about the events since last September. I honestly don’t know who I was living with.
    I’ve never seen this side of him..cold, calculating and totally detached. In fact he’s not even in the province anymore. He’s off riding his Harley somewhere.
    He said he just turns the page and a new chapter in his life begins. I was totally devalued and discarded.
    Arg...lesson learned..! Never trust an addict...EVER...or believe words...BELIEVE ACTIONS.
     
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  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well PA returned home today. He texted and asked if he could come over. We instead met in a public place. I asked what are we meeting for etc...he said, cause he doesn’t want to through everything away. He was expecting that the house wouldn’t sell as quickly as it did. He was hoping that I would be out by August 1 and then he could have the winter months to fix his truck etc...surprise surprise..the house sold. (Pending inspection) so now he doesn’t know what to do about his stuff, tools, truck, etc... he said he wanted us to be together. But now he doesn’t even have a home to run back to in case something goes wrong, he asked what I was going to do. I showed him a pic of a cute little modular home. He said oh cool does it have a garage. I said no. He said darn. My thought is he thought he could move in! NOT

    REGARDING RECONCILIATION
    I said well I will need you to use a flip phone because you have been on porn sites, dating sites, video sites...and a host of others. He responded immediately NO. then a few seconds later said ok.

    It was a five hour conversation, where ultimately I said well come home have a good nights sleep and we can load up furniture to take to my sons place tomorrow, and sort through the stuff you want to sell or keep. We talked a bit and he said he didn’t have a home to keep anything so I might as well sell everything, he doesn’t want it anyway it’s just stuff.

    So we picked up a few groceries and then came home, ate supper and then he took a lawnmower part down to the shop. He was gone awhile so I went down...and there he was texting a girl. GO FIGURE.
    I left and he came out and said shes just a friend, I said I don’t care . Well they’re planning a trip to go back to BC and I said are you going? I don’t know he said...what about all my stuff.

    I said look , I’m not going to be second best to anyone or anything...you have an agenda and you have one foot out the door and one foot in. So we get up to the house and she keeps texting..finally I said you better answer her cause she’s not going to stop. He answered her. I said if you want to be in a relationship with me, I need transparency. He said I know...I said so show me your phone, he refused...I said get the fuck out you lying cheating bastard..get out...he said, but what about my stuff and moving it...I said you’ve already planned to eliminate everything . You said you didn’t want anything, sign everything over to me and leave. You have complete and total freedom. Fly at her. He asked if I wanted it in writing and I said sure...so he signed over the profits from the sale of the house, profits from the sale of the contents and 50% of his pension.

    So he packed up his bike and said sorry I messed up your life...I said you didn’t , you taught me a very valuable lesson, never again will I be used and abused. Nor will I be second to anyone or anything. So now he is camping in his tent, with his bike and he’s headed back to his new biker friends who call him by a different name cause he’s a cool dude now.

    He is in complete denial about his sexual addictions and proclivities, denies even having a sex issue. He thinks he can just ride around on his bike until his Visa card is maxed out. He asked if he could have enough money to pay off his visa ...I said, sure I’ll pay for your dating and partying three weeks after you leave a 17 year relationship. He said forget it..I’ll sell my car. They are still selling for $10,000. I said ok, sounds good to me.

    Go figure...looking at porn since you are 8 yrs old, and are now pushing 50 and you don’t have an addiction. You can’t wait to get back to work so you can feast your eyes 5-6 days a week 1-2 hours at a time...yet you can’t connect to your wife on an emotional level let alone sexual...and you don’t have a porn addiction...DENIAL complete and total denial.

    Now I’m left to clean up the property, sell everything, and he’s off being a biker dude...cruising with the girls and guys and living the free life . He’s happy though cause by the time he gets back to BC the fruit will be ready!

    I’m not sure what planet he’s on , but I don’t think it’s earth.
     
  10. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I honestly don't think he is happy. He's probably trying to convince himself that he is, and he's dating and biking and doing whatever else he thinks is going to make him happy. But, it'll only last so long until he finally realizes that all this meaningless shit isn't going to bring him any more happiness than P does. It wasn't making him happy either which is why he's moved on to these other things. The sad thing is, by the time he gets all this, it'll probably be too late for your marriage because you can only take so much...and you have for a long time. I'm sorry for all you're going through. I think you're showing great strength, though, by looking out for you now. Hugs.
     
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  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much..I appreciate your words. When I saw him in the shop, in the dark texting, and he looked like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar...my anxiety flew into full gear. I refuse to live like that...on edge, hyper vigilant and stressing and feeling insecure. It’s WAY TO EARLY to even consider a reconciliation anyway.

    A three week break and the lies and manipulation are incredible. He says he’s off his testosterone now and he is breaking out in whitehead pimples all over his shoulders and back a couple on his face, which he is.

    He’s drinking , and smoking pot and I told him too...when you can drop pride and ego for love and vulnerability you have the starting point of the foundation. I also said that regardless of who you are with, until you deal with your sex addiction and proclivities they will haunt you forever.

    He’s struggling with so much right now...he doesn’t want to loose me, but he doesn’t want me, knows he has to work but doesn’t want to, wants freedom but wants a home. Basically he wants to be a kid who goes out and plays and comes home to momma to tell her about his adventures. BULLSHIT

    Arg...this is such a mind numbing situation. If he has a mental health issue let’s get a diagnosis and figure it out. If it’s a chemical imbalance work it through...but if all he’s going to do is runaway, there is no point.
     
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  12. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    So, you are essentially married to a teenager. There is a reason we don't do that in society anymore. It's kind of creepy and gross and just feels wrong, doesn't it?

    There is a line which, once crossed, it is nearly impossible to come back from. You'll have to decide which side of that line he is on. His behavior makes me angry and sick to my stomach, even as a fellow PA. Completely and totally uncool. He will one day have serious regrets about all of this. I doubt you will be the person who can help him when that time arrives. Too many bridges burned, too many connections severed, too many lies told. Eventually, the dam bursts and the flood crashes in, and nothing can stem its tide until the destruction has been carried out to its utter end. I fear this is what has begun. May God have mercy on him.
     
  13. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Lost, you have been a good friend to Hazel and myself and you have helped us in more ways then one. Do let him drag you down you are a strong woman and look how far you got with out him. You got your own place and can make your own happiness, be strong and stop looking at the Monkey cause you know what he is going to do! I have used that Monkey story to help me through things and I think it's time you do too!

    We are always thinking about you and me and Hazel send hugs and prayers and love to you
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thanks you guys...I appreciate your support, it means a lot to me.
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Sit in a quiet space somewhere. Try to match your heart to your brain . If you can’t , go back and re read everything you wrote on NOFAP . Or on a hard journal . That’s helped me a lot . Every time I have self doubt , I read his last text to me , A WEEK AGO . Ugg .
     
  16. Sending you some extra strength and all good things :emoji_blue_heart:
     
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  17. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hey @Lostneverland, Thanks for the update (I wrote the last private message before reading this, and I have to be honest, when I said they usually come back, I didn't think your husband would do so this quickly.)


    A few things I see:

    1) Him even texting a female friend shows he is still out of touch with what it would take to rebuild the trust. (In our experience, guys who rebuild trust don't even want the "appearance of evil.")

    2) Him asking if the new place had a garage shows possible alterior motives (Again, what we've seen is guys who rebuilt trust learn to not force their own agenda, but instead take her "no" as a "NO!"

    3) The fact that the house sold quickly may mean the 'divide and conquer' thing I mentioned in the Priv.Msg. is happening already.

    4) And I agree with @hope4healing: I don't think he's happy. If he were happy, he wouldn't need all the things he's turning to.


    Hope that helps,
    Lori
     
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  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    So he came out two days ago and brought a gift basket. I said thank you and noticed it was from Christmas..I thought oh he must have bought it on sale. You know giving him the benefit of the doubt. We packed up a few things, discussed a few things, and then he said he was going back to the camp ground. In actual fact he went back to a girls place...and it was the girl that sent the Christmas gift , cause she’s trying to help. Hubby said he didn’t know what was in the box , so why is he giving me a box that he doesn’t know what’s inside? So I ask him do you really think this girl has your best interest at heart...oh yes he replies.
    I said really, let’s see, you're sleeping at her place , lying to me where you are sleeping, passing off a gift that was given to you by a woman for your wife who you are trying to build trust with ...SERIOUSLY ! Oh yes...I said you just got played...let me text her and thank her...so I did...he said you’ll hear from her right away. I said no I won’t. She is not going to respond to me.
    I’m amazed at how deeply this addiction affects every single freakin aspect of a person’s mind.
     
  19. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    The mind boggles. It would be fascinatingly bizarre if it wasn't so deeply tragic. What a waste!
     
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  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    This feels like a truly bizarre after school movie special...and a bad one at that!
    We have , pending inspection of the house, 29 days to empty out four outbuildings and a garage shop. Somehow we have to work together to get this done.

    Here is the stumbling block..if he asks me what to do, and I tell him, he gets angry because I’m telling him what to do, if I say, do what you think is best, he doesn’t know what to do...and consequently gets nothing done, and then gets angry anyway.

    Regarding yesterday’s incident with the gift basket and the incident previous of texting in the shop to some girl , his response was , I know what my problem is, I have too many women in my life...SERIOUSLY, that’s what he came up with. That’s after he wrote me a LONG text message professing his love and commitment to me!!! And will do anything to prove it...sorry buddy...texting and sleeping at other girls places doesn’t show commitment to me. (Eye roll)

    Yesterday as he’s leaving, riding his Harley and to camp out in the pouring rain, he said all I want is to sleep in my own bed and to cuddle you . I said, you had EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERYTHING, and you used and abused it , you walked out because you wanted complete and total freedom now you have that. He replied, ya but I’m going nowhere, doing nothing except packing and unpacking my bike and camping...I said, ya, that is the result of the choices you made. What did you expect ? You’re unhappy here and your unhappy doing what you’re doing! Figure it out.

    Okay this is going to sound pathetic...but I feel compassion for him, I understand his background of living in isolation, a deeply cold , physically, religiously and emotionally abusive mother...I understand all that. I know he wants, needs and as a human deserves unconditional love...right now he’s like a lost little 8 week old puppy...but...when there’s an audience, or he’s done something deceitful he becomes an adult attack dog.

    I told him last night, I’m done being used and abused. I can get the buildings emptied. Sort through what you want and don’t want, and I’ll deal with the rest. Then you can go ride and be the free biker dude. He said, but where am I going (meaning him) I said, I don’t know...not my problem. You’ll figure it out, for heavens sakes you’re almost 50 years old. Once again..he doesn’t want anything, but he doesn’t want to part with it either.

    The house sold in record time. The fastest an acreage in this area ever sold. We did an incredible renovation and although simple the open concept sold the place. I told him yesterday I will meet with him on Thursday to continue sorting and getting rid of things. Today is a break and day off from the drama.

    My golly is this a mid life crisis in conjunction with a sex addiction if so it is the most incredibly bizarre and mind confusing situation...OR...am I stuck in the forest unable to see the trees?
     

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