Letting go

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lostneverland, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thanks SOofaddict...he can’t make any decisions..so he says. I’m seeing a therapist he’s seeing a therapist. His therapist thought it was best for them to work one on one and I work with mine. Ya I’m not sure where this is going or how to navigate it. I’m not sure if it’s an addict having a temper tantrum or a mental health issue.
    It’s also a lot easier to read other people’s story and find the solution than my own. Too many emotions and too much history. Arg....
     
    MourdeCallsMeHazel likes this.
  2. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Mourde and I tried that approach and it didn't work. It's so alike yet so individualized it's maddening. :(

    Seriously...you need to find out which it is. Regardless of what his therapist thinks...it isn't working. I'd at least suggest that the therapist look into that so that you can be completely informed of what is going on to make the best choices for the future.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a bunch again..
     
  4. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Wow! I was looking for your journal after you commented and finally found it (not always the best at navigating this site).

    I am SO sorry you are going through this. No matter how strong we are, it is heartbreaking to care so much about someone who does not reciprocate.

    I am proud of you for standing your ground and letting him fall on his ass. If he is just going through the motions, then let him do things “his way” and see where that gets him.

    I am here for you!!
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey Butterfly, thank you for your support. It’s all settled down now. My little monkey had a secret cell phone and apparently had been using it since mid-May. So to get to the point....I rewarded the good behaviour..he told me straight up. I told him thank you and gave him a kisss. He gave me the phone. I put the phone in a plastic bag, and grabbed a hammer. He said , oh you’re going to smash the phone...I said nope you are! So he did.
    Next step...we wrote a short brief contract...basically when either of us are feeling scared, triggered, insecure or needing to feed the addiction...we are to pull closer with statements such as:
    Help me
    Hold me
    Hug me
    Be with me

    Oh ya and he now has a brand new flip phone...No iPad, computer or iPhone. He’s simplifying his life more and more...and as he does I’m feeling more secure. Go figure...I’m too old to be putting up with this shit.
    I’m a damn good person...I’ve settled for less and a lot of abuse all my life. I’m now to the point where , as Errol Flynn said...”Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” . If my PA wants me and our relationship he can darn well prove it and show it. I’ll work with him, but he needs to step up and I need to get on with my life. He will either catch up or fall by the way side...that’s his choice.

    So there’s my empowered rant for the evening...onward and upward.
    And thanks again for your support. :)
     
  6. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    That would be Clark Gable that said that! ;)
    If you were looking for a quote from Errol Flynn that would be more suited to you his famous quote was "If you're dealing with monkey's, you got to expect some wrenches" I figured you might like that one better! And my wife took your advise and cuddled her Monkey last night. LOL!
     
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  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Damn ...lol..Clark Gable...you’re right oh dopey me...lmao.
    So I’m assuming SOofanaddict told you my monkey story ? Golly life is chalk full of weird stuff...and good stuff too. Just goes to show how eventually everything plays a role in your life.
    Thank goodness for the little capuchin monkey...;)
     
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  8. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    He even makes monkey noises now lol. I can't WAIT to get to the zoo now haha.
     
    Mourde likes this.
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Lol...hey now no monkey business you two
     
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  10. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Yes she told me about the monkey story it was like something she couldn't wait to tell me and it was a very eye opening talk. LoL.... And no your are not dopey it very easy to confuse the two with there pencil line mustaches. And I agree with the funny things in life your realize about that is very relatable! Keep taken one moment at a time things will get better!
     
  11. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    They say there's no business like monkey business! LOL
     
  12. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    :emoji_monkey::emoji_tada:
     
  13. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Oh the secret cell phone—that’s a fear of mine too. Geez, so many ways for our PAs to get their fix and for us to be hurt. It’s terrifying!

    Good to hear about the hammer to the phone—I would’ve done the same thing! Also, for simplifying his life—I think so much technology is bad for us. Even those who work in Silicon Valley have placed restrictions on tech in their homes. There’s a reason... meanwhile, the rest is society is becoming mindless brain dead zombies as we stare at screens all day.

    Love those phrases. Gonna steal them when I have one of my “rage episodes”.

    Glad to hear things are better—you are a wonderful human and deserve the best!!
     
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Butterfly...there’s no doubt he’s struggling. He is trying though. Here’s a BIG STEP in the right direction. We had the discussion about his lying etc...last Saturday and into Sunday. We got everything settled/resolved to where we were going to keep moving forward. Then he went upstairs and came back down and said , I need to tell you something more.
    I said , okay what is it....that’s when he disclosed the secret cell phone.

    I had two possible choices, loose my shit on him or forgive and reward the good behaviour. the difference this time was that he showed remorse. He apologized twice both times with tears in his eyes streaming down his cheeks. I saw and felt the instant relief of forgiveness. He was scared and frightened, but he had courage and did the right thing.

    I honestly don’t know if he’ll stay clean and sober. I honestly don’t know if we will be together forever..what I do know is that if I take things one day at a time, maintain my integrity and boundaries we may have a chance and that’s all I can do.

    Threatening, anger, rage and hostility do nothing except build walls of self protection. How can that possibly bring about healing. I know what my PA has been through as a child and young adult. I’ve seen his own mother deeply betray him...to where bystanders were shocked. He didn't deserve it, but he took it , because that’s what he’s been conditioned to do.

    This addiction is going to take time to overcome..but one moment and one day at a time is all we have. So my strategy is to hold firm boundaries, call him out on disrespectful behaviour, live my life to my standards and if he wants the same great, if not...he can move out. I can love him from a distance.

    So my advise to you is to...let go of the past...you can’t change it. Look for any good that your PA demonstrates, he’s trying to the best of his ability (I’d like to think he is) and just love the man...one moment and one day at a time. When a trigger happens deal with it then.

    Prayers and all anxiety is now released...be free butterfly
     
  15. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I am so happy he came clean and was remorseful. I am also proud of you for choosing the right way to respond. I don’t know if I could’ve been so strong.

    Thank you for the advice! I’m trying. Each day at a time. And, I’m so lucky to have folks like you who understand me and can help me be a better partner.

    Thank you!
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Isn’t life just GRAND...ya know I thought we were making head way, but I guess I live in a fantasy world. My PA has been sulking pouting and living in self pity since my last post. I’ve exhausted all resources. I asked him if he was going to meetings and seeing a therapist for me or because he felt he had to? He said both. I asked do you love me and want our relationship? He hesitated a long time...and I finally said , your hesitation speaks volumes. He said, so when do I have to be out. I said , probably the sooner the better. He’s packing up eagerly and enthusiastically, he’s got his motorcycle out and he’s full of energy, unlike the stubborn little boy he has been for the last two weeks.
    Good golly he lied about wanting to be with me for the last 10 months. It feels like he was just going through the motions to save face.
    Now he can go and say to everyone, ya I tried, I went to 5 meetings a week, saw a therapist, but it wasn’t good enough for her. Which isn’t the case at all. I was proud of him for trying. He would come back from the meetings a different person. Arg this is heartbreakingly sad .and frustrating.
    We could have had a totally different relationship if only....ya if only...
     
  17. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I will pray for you

    Know that we are here
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  18. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    That sucks, but it's not surprising. Telling you about the cel phone was surprising but it sounds like he really was hoping to have things both ways, look good and keep the porn. I think part of him wanted to get better, but not most of him.

    I'm glad you cut off the silence and brought out his thoughts. Sorry to hear how hurtful they were and how hurtful his actions must be right now.

    I hope you don't suffer from his plan of claiming victim status.

    Take care of yourself now.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  19. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    So sorry things had to turn out like this....
    But on the other hand you deserve better then that also.

    Dont get down on yourself because you tried your best and he only went through the motions. My wife and I are here for you if you need to talk, I'm sure things will get better cause your a very strong person. Keep you head held high!
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    It’s all just so heartbreakingly sad. We could have had a wonderful relationship. I read over other posts from SO’s and from PA’s and they all stated how sorry they were and how much they wanted to heal etc... but he never did. Even today, I said everything is a lot to process and I’m having a hard time with it. He said, that’s understandable. I said is that all, he responded with what more do you want? I said sorry would nice , sorry you’re going through this etc... his response. I’ve already said that what more can I saya
     

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