Letting go

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lostneverland, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    And now he’s gone...took his iPad, iPhone, truck ,trailer and motorbike.
    Golly I wonder if he ever loved me. I said when he left, remember one thing, I love you. As cold as could be, he said ,”ya that’s what makes this so hard.”
    I don’t get it...I don’t understand why ?

    Sometimes I think he was trying to push me to make the decision, and when I said, your hesitation speaks volumes, he leaped on the opportunity to say that he better go.

    He left his meeting materials and books and said he not going to bother going to SA any longer.
     
  2. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

    382
    2,661
    123
    Holy wow I take a nap and Mourde told me what happened a few minutes ago when I woke up .I'm so sorry ughhhhh

    I feel like....well...wow. He's way too emotionless for all the therapy he's been through. And to walk away from everything and leave his materials...he will never be healed.

    Stop questioning it all. That's not helping you. Maybe reach out to his SA group if you know anyone and therapist and let them know what happened.

    Bleh I wish I could hug you right now...this sucks :(

    You deserve way better than this. Remember when you asked what if you keep losing years and when is enough enough?? I feel like God answered your question. I know that doesn't stop the heartache but...don't hurt too long over someone that seldom hurt for you okay?
     
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Thank you for your support. Ya I’m not sure what to do next. I think I’m in shock.
     
  4. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Curious,

    Since he seemed to pick up and leave pretty quick (understatement!), I assume he had someplace to go.......any chance his is going to come back in two weeks pretending to have changed?

    I'd be in shock too. If you have been seeing a counselor, I would certainly book a visit. Lean on friends too of course. I remember seeing another SO mentioning a book too, can't quite recall the name but it's a recent thread.....looking......"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck", but I see you are active on that thread as well. Still, seems appropriate.

    I won't lie, if I was a drinker, I'd probably be planning a bender too. I'm not a drinker, but this would want me to make myself one for a night.
     
  5. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

    391
    830
    93
    I think you need a little you time! Take a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles and get some relax time for yourself! Remember you are strong and resilient!
     
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Faceplanter...nope he said had no where to go. I doubt he will be back , except to pick up the rest of his things. He seemed pretty relieved to be leaving. Who knows maybe he already has someone in the wings. Yes I’ve read that book, it was good. Thanks for the recommendation.

    Mourde...yup something good for me...deep breath...deeeepp breathe...
     
  7. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    251
    314
    63
    I'm very sorry to hear this has happened and you don't deserve this treatment. This is errrierly familiar to something I've seen before and in the end the guy regretted what he did.

    You will get through this and be stronger.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  8. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    90
    114
    33
    I'm sorry... I can't even imagine how you must feel right now.

    But I see there a new start for you. You don't have to struggle with his addiction anymore. Of course it will take time for you to heal, but I'm sure you will be happy. You will be free. With him, there would always be the danger that he falls back to his addiction, even though it seems like he's doing great recovering. And now it sounded like he didn't even want to recover.
    From now on you can focus on your own healing, and to take care of yourself, and not to stress about what he is doing or thinking.

    Take your time to mourn. Take care of yourself. Sending warm hugs
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  9. HFR 2.0

    HFR 2.0 Fapstronaut

    I am deeply sorry to hear about this. I was reading through your story last night and it has stuck with me all morning. From my perspective as a PA in recovery, it sounds like your man is stuck in a shame cycle that he maybe doesn't know how to break free from. White knuckling, focusing on not doing the thing, and being a walking pity party were staples of my previous (unsuccessful) recovery attempts. Even early on in my current streak, I was that way again - hence my self-deprecating handle. I remember thoughts that I didn't deserve another chance, that I'd blown my last opportunity, and that I would never be with anyone again. It would be easier to just go away and be an addict. I was able to break free from that thinking, thanks to some wonderful support from my wife, people on this forum, and some key educational and accountability resources. I am taking the steps for lasting change, but for me the key was to want it for myself, and to not wallow in my past failures.

    You seem like such a supportive and wonderful woman, and he is lucky to have you. I hope that he takes this time to realize that, and can determine that this is a change he wants to make for himself and everyone around him. In the meantime, take care of yourself and relish the support from the ladies on this forum - they offer such great advice and love to our SO's. Know that we are all thinking of you and wish you the best from whatever comes!
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Thank you for your story. Yes I agree with you that he is cycling through guilt and shame resentment, hostility etc...I love him and want nothing more than us to be together..but what I want and what the addiction wants are two different things. He’s a good man, with many wonderful attributes, but since last September when this all came to light things have gotten progressively worse.
    This addiction is his to work through and I am helpless. I don’t even know who he is any longer and I don’t think he knows who he is himself.
    This is a horrible addiction, the motherlode. I commend each and everyone of you who overcomes this condition.
    Man oh man this sucks...watching a good guy destroy himself. We had everything going for us except the most important attachment and connection.
    Be brave everyone, for each time a PA acts out it has a ripple effect on everyone who interacts with the PA. My PA had the opportunity to change his life and grow to be the family leader he was meant to be...but unfortunately the addiction won out. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.
     
  11. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    175
    251
    63
    So sorry you are going through this.

    Though it’s hard, it’s best he left if he wasn’t going to try or be there for you...

    Praying for you. Stay strong!
     
  12. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

    33
    71
    18
    Reading through this was so hard... you were hopeful and then he just up and leaves. It does sound like he was looking for an out. Trust me when I say this: he will regret his actions someday. It might take time, but he is giving up a lot to be with his porn, escorts, cam girls (or whoever), and bike. He will mourn what he's lost someday.

    Someone else wrote this in an earlier reply to you, and I don't know how to use the quote feature so I'm copying and pasting:

    "Then I thought....how easy it would be..well *easier*...to just walk away. I haven't for the kids and because I truly love this guy...but cmon...walking away means handling myself, healing wounds to scars, not worrying every second about what he's thinking or planning or doing (even subconsciously). It means I don't have to feel the stress every second of every day or look at him and wonder "when will I be good enough without the other thoughts and images in his head?"."

    Our situations are different, but I've found this to be true, already, after leaving. The stress is diminishing daily and I'm so thankful I don't have to be playing detective or worrying about whether I'm enough for him, what he's really up to, how much he's lying, who he might be cheating on me with, etc, etc. That stress is not something anyone deserves. We deserve better. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

    I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. It's hard. This is going to be hard for you. Go in knowing that and then take this f*cking heartbreak head on, because you can and will get through it. Be angry, be sad, cry, make a a play list called F That Guy I'm Awesome, make a play list called I Really Loved Him, listen, sing, read, write, feel it all.

    And let him go.

    I've personally found this break up to be harder than even the end of my 10yr marriage with a non-porn addict. There's something so deeply wounding about this addiction.

    I'll be thinking of you as you continue your journey. Please keep writing, too. It helps.

    Oh, and this video has helped me understand what I've been going through: when you're ready, give it a shot and see if it helps at all:

     
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Wow you sound incredibly strong and self confident. He may or may not miss me or us. It’s hard to say. I do love him very much. As mentioned he has many good attributes. I want him to be happy. He was at times very kind and generous to me and I will always be grateful and thankful for that. Ya I’m just so confused by this addiction.
     
    Butterfly1988 and CMarie102 like this.
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Thank you that was a great video. I’m going to watch it again and again.
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  15. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

    33
    71
    18
    You sound like you really do love him, and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm also sorry if I came on too strong...I think I felt angry for you, but that's not my place.

    What's that quote? It'll all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. I'll be hoping for nothing but good things for you in the meantime.

    Oh, and I know about the regret he'll feel. While I'm not an addict, I've been the bad guy in a relationship and have been the one to deeply regret my decisions. Sooner or later, he will have to look at himself in the mirror and come to terms with who he is, what he's done, and who he's hurt along the way. That guilt and shame is just as painful as betrayal when it hits, but knowing you are fully to blame is a tough pill to swallow. It might be tomorrow morning. It might be in a year or two, but it will happen. If he has a conscience and is capable of empathy, it will happen.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2019
    Lostneverland and mcgrim like this.
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    CMarie102...you didn’t come on too strong at all. I interpreted it as confident. Ya know if this addiction was alcohol/drugs the evidence would be visible. Staggering, smell, bottles etc...but this porn addiction stuff is really hard to handle. There was no visible evidence...just behaviours that seemed so out of character. When I would try and talk to him about it...he would withdraw and avoid...or he would create so much work that we didn’t have time for enjoyment or talking. I was fighting an invisible demon. Then things would turn around and he would be the guy I fell in love with. Talk about a mindfuck.
    My PA was the one person I trusted most in the world. I knew his family of origin issues and I made excuses for bad behaviour and mistreatment. As the distance grew between us so did my anxiety and depression. I thought , why is he treating me this way...this is very similar to how I was treated as a child...not as extreme , there were no bottles etc...therefore I read as many books as I could, went into therapy, thought it was all me and if I just tried harder things would change.
    Things did change...I became more isolated thought I was a total screw up. Everyone around us thought my PA was wonderful...oh he loves you so much they would say. Thing is no one knew what went on behind closed doors. Basically I doubted my own reality and didn’t trust myself any longer. The more I stuffed my feelings the more intense body responded , soon I wasn’t sleeping, couldn’t use my shoulders at all. My hair started falling out, I was an emotional, psychological and physical wreck.
    In September when he first disclosed to me about the porn addiction I went into shock. January 2019 I started to come out of it. I was tested for PTSD and I aced it. Full fledged PTSD. Then I began my rescuing fixing behaviour...ARG...yup I did what came naturally what I was conditioned to do from day one. Put other people’s needs above my own.
    I swallowed deeply...all my pain, hurt, betrayal ,anger, and sorrow and tried to fix what isn’t mine to fix. Looking back, I made demands and requests that he needed to do on his own if he wanted the relationship to work. FOOLISH FOOLISH ME.
    I wanted him to know and feel that I could accept him as he is, and love him for who he is...minus the lying, and lack of emotions. I felt we could work through those issues together.
    I was wrong...the porn didn’t stop, the lying didn’t stop, the manipulation didn’t stop. I was always watching, waiting and hyper vigilant. Not a healthy way to live at all.
    Theses last 6years have been rough, with two deaths, a sexual assault, and addiction issues with my son...the stress has been overwhelming at times. This porn addiction dating site stuff is just the icing on the cake. So what are the lessons I need to learn?
    Trust myself...regardless of words...look for actions. Boundaries, develop clear and concise boundaries. I did have those but they slowly and insidiously got eroded. Make decisions based on facts not on emotions (that’s a tough one).
    Arg...this is a bitter pill to swallow. Things could have been so different for us. My emotional pain and betrayal is hard to deal with . I tried to put it aside and be supportive of him, however I failed at that many times as the pain would manifest physically . Then I would be hurt and angry. Ya this has been a journey and will continue to be for a long time. Trust I’m not sure if I will ever be able to trust another person again.
    I don’t want to come across as feeling sorry for myself...I know I’m responsible for my own choices and decisions, however I truly believed we could get through anything with enough love and understanding. Apparently that’s not the case.
     
  17. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    The love must be on both sides for the relationship to endure. No matter how much you love the other, you cannot compel them to love you. They must make that choice for themselves. When you have loved them deeply and they have not, there is no pain like it. I grieve with you.
     
  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Thank you Tao Jones you are correct. I guess the addiction is greater than anything for him.
     
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    506
    634
    93
    Well after two days of no contact he contacted me. He brought back the truck and trailer and took his car. He has his bike in the shop getting geared up for summer. His wedding ring is off. He said he tried to hook up last night but it didn’t work out. It appears the marriage is over.
    We had a pleasant conversation, me in shock and him calm, cool and collected. It’s heartbreakingly sad.
    Now to figure out what to do and how to go about it. I’m 60 years old, haven’t worked in 17 years, developed fibromyalgia and have no income...my GOD how did I get here? I trusted and believed in a man..more than I believed in myself.
    Partners of PA’s always stash away money...a safety net so to speak.
     
    Mourde and MourdeCallsMeHazel like this.
  20. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

    382
    2,661
    123
    You're strong. You're brave. Chin up and stand tall. Do not let this define you. We are all here for you and I wish I could reach through this phone and hug you and take away all your pain and worries. You're going to be okay, keep reaching out and tomorrow morning with a clear mind start your game plan to freedom.

    Good plans make good progress.

    Love to you and prayers from me and Mourde
     

Share This Page