Letting go

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lostneverland, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Keep on keeping on...head held high, and thank you for your support
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You are strong and will make it.
     
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  3. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    She is truly happy for you and proud of you and she gives hugs and love back!
    Keep up the good work!
    I'm proud of you too!
     
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  4. Lostlover22

    Lostlover22 Fapstronaut

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    Reading your story I am inspired by your courage and resilience. Way to go! I could take a page out of your book. Trying so hard to be compassionate and putting his needs above my own... I hear that. No more. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing all the best for you.
     
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  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thank you kindly each and every one of you. It’s a hard place to be, as we all know. Your words of encouragement and support mean the world to me.
     
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well my PA has been off work since April 10,2019. He’s going to 5 meetings a week and seeing his theraphist every week.
    Since he has been home he’s been angry, resentful, lying, and basically doing everything a dry drunk would do.
    I tell him what I need to feel safe and secure and he does the exact opposite, every single time. There is no empathy or compassion.
    I’m getting the same exact excuses I received before his 5 meetings a week. It’s all about him and if I don’t ask questions he doesn’t disclose.
    There is absolutely no remorse for his 17 year long history of betraying and lying to me. He just looks at me with a blank stare.

    How do I effectively deal with this man/child ? I mean seriously it’s like dealing with a spoilt 8 year old.
    What do I do...just completely detach and we live as strangers? Not working together , but on opposite ends of the house.
    How long does this non-emotional cold and callous, entitled behaviour last or is permanent?
    Is he ever going to realize the emotional damage he’s done? If so what are the signs...cause for the life of me...I don’t know who this person is any longer.
    Do I hold him accountable for everything that comes out of his mouth...cause right now I feel I have to follow up and double check everything just to make sure he isn’t lying...which nine times out of ten ...HE IS LYING..
    This situation is so frustrating.
    This morning he asked what I was thinking about...I said, “well I’m thinking about how we got here? I’m thinking about why I accepted unacceptable behaviour for so long...and I’m thinking about if this is the way I want to spend the rest of my life?” His response was...”oh ya” as detached as good be. Cold, defiant, and distant

    What is the best way to deal with this...I’m at a loss. “HELP...PLEASE”
     
  7. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I don't think there's a certain amount of time it lasts. As much as I hate to say it, I believe it will last until he no longer wants it to be that way. If he wants to be angry and resentful about giving up his addiction, then that's how he'll be until he accepts that it is hurting him and your marriage and decides that's more important. I understand how much it hurts when they show no remorse, no empathy, no emotions at all.
    I'd say, yes, hold him accountable. Otherwise, he won't get far in recovery, nor will you be able to heal your marriage or yourself. Lies are what protect the addiction and damage the trust. So, without honesty, how can there be progress?

    I'm sorry. I know it's hard to figure out the right thing to do. Go with your gut, and stay strong.
     
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  8. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Just some thoughts. It isn't easy for a PA to face and come to terms with what they have done. In the thick of it they are able to avoid or be unaware of any harm to themselves or others.
    When reality dawns they have to face the deep harm. Equally this may mean panic and relapse. Or a partner getting a load of negative emotions in their direction (projecting on to others)- so the PA can limit looking coldly in the mirror at themselves. I think it's generally acknowledged PAs have a difficulty understanding emotions ( and can lack empathy as a result - equally so do sociopaths and narcissists and the later 2 can't learn or progress).
    I had a few weeks of this, and wasn't going to accept it. You hurt me then seem an able to show you're sorry give me defensiveness, demands and negative emotions - the very last last things that would make you feel safe or loved....basically a PA running away from facing reality. For me it got fixed 2 ways - This wasnt what i wanted so i ended the relationship. It took him to view another house - to literally face a future alone and see all the good he was going to lose. Having to face himself then seemed like an easier option to his brain.
    Secondly you do have to come together as well as alone as individuals. There is a team "us" . Cuddling someone who hurt you deeply feels mixed - we need to feel connected yet we know they didn't love us as they should - and choose cyber sex with someone else. For the PA they have to face the harm and guilt of hurting a partner and forgive themselves too eventually so being intimate emotionally can feel difficult for them too ( it's probably something they have been scared of for a longtime) . So none of this is an easy fix. We both found the book love you hate the porn useful for working to fix the team "us" bit - I recommend.
    I'm sorry we all are in this boat, sending you all good things, keep strong
     
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I honestly don’t know if he isn’t a sociopath/narcissist...or if this is part of the PA thing. Any situation or boundary I put up he just flips it. I don’t trust him at all...with anything.

    This is a 17, going on 18 year relationship, I’d like to think it can be salvaged, but my goodness I’m seriously getting too old for this crap. Life is too short. I mean if all he’s going to do at meetings and with his therapist is talk the lingo and talk about how his brother is into porn, respectively , how is he going to get to true real honestly. I understand that this is a process...so what do I do?
    Sit back and watch him?
    Encourage him and his lies?
    Call him on his lies?
    I’m confused and baffled...I don’t want to control him. I want him to grow up ...and be the partner he presented (falsely) I guess , throughout our relationship.

    This is like walking through thick mud
     
  10. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I have just started my road to recovery.
    Married 19 years, I feel its day one in our marriage
    I can relate to your SO's journey.
    I often feel "lost" on my journey because I question sometimes is this JUST for my family or both.
    I continue to try to move forward with my plan and to be the man I want to see in the mirror.
    My motivation at the start was to stop the trauma ongoing and to begin to heal the emotional rifts and to become a new husband and wife. I have seen those results in my wifes health begin to improve and to see our communication become more easy and productive.
    I still question if its me first or just because in my moments where I am impatient or anxious.
    I merely posted to let you know that your posts resonated in me. I recently asked to Lord to begin walking in my life again, He told me he never stopped working I did. Something in your posts spoke to me and I wanted you to know you are not alone. As new as I am I feel unworthy of commenting to you as a supporter but those are feelings I still deal with on my journey. I know 110 percent I will never stop trying to be the husband I want to be, if that's the husband my SO wants, I can hope but not depend on, that is HER journey.

    I do not want to advertise as I do not have any idea of how that works here. My wife and I have been listening to a podcast series concerning addiction and betrayal trauma, we listen and then talk about what we liked, hated, or didnt understand and it has helped me to understand her view point as I have to get myself out of my mind and look at how much she relates to the casters.

    I will gladly share the link with you if you are interested. Good day to you. May the Lord pour strength, knowledge and understanding into you and your SO
     
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  11. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    yes it is exactly like mud and walking thru it blind to boot! and life is too short, we have deal with life demands at the same time, if we can!
    I can't tell you what to do cause you're not me and my PA isn't yours.
    I can only tell you before this relationship, and 4 years single. I had a relationship with a severe S.A. which I was completely unaware of didn't even know sex addiction existed. The first clue was sleeping with with a sex slave apparently out of the blue, and from there I turned detective and arrived at sex addiction. There were days when I literally felt like I was crawling thru mud, and that's after I'd got rid of him. I blamed myself - why didn't I know? well truth is you can't!
    Anyway, clearly I wanted to avoid this in future and learn any lessons. I then find out in dec/Jan my new man has it too but on the PA end of the spectrum. I guess picking it up so quick is a result of educating myself the first time round - I try to see that as a positive! And try to see that this thing has exploded in society and while its a shitty boat, we are at least aware of it, many millions are not.
    Because of the past my boundaries are pretty fierce. I WON'T have this in my life...it is too short! I chose Love. If my partner wants to chose Porn then I'm not stopping him...but he'll chose it alone and have the rest of his life to stare at pixels. I sound strong...i am strong. But I also know if this happens I will mentally crash, I will have to deal with my own terrible emotions, I am likely to be crawling thru mud some days before I start to recover. But I will recover and I would choose that route always if the alternative is being faced with lies/deceit/addiction/abuse.
    I was married to a good man for 20yrs, was I as strong as I am now? no. Was I as strong as I am now 5 years ago ? no. Please believe if nothing else all us SO's can and do grow from this.
    BOUNDARIES are vital in life and relationships and to our wellbeing.
    My coping mechanism is educating myself...doesnt fix everything but it helps.
    If you think he could be sociopathic Google it... my S.A. was My PA isn't. Lies? no never except it! call them out, make them see the consequences of it ....walk away.

    Bloomin eck! it's a pile of poo isn't it! Anyway it's a nice day here I'm gonna pull some weeds and find some peace for a few hours...hope you can too.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  12. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I'm so glad that you and your SO are on the road to recovery. I admire your strength. You are an inspiration.
     
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    TAKETIME....Okay so I don’t know how do quotes lol...but here goes . I have looked up sociopath and narcissist, my mother was diagnosed by proxy as being narcissistic. My PA...that’s where I run into issues...is it the addiction or true behaviour? It’s just so mind numbing..

    Yesterday we were low on bread. He knew I was going grocery shopping so he said to me this is all the bread there is. I said okay, good to know. He made sandwiches for himself as he was going to be away from home most of the day. After he left I went to get breakfast..all the milk was gone, all the bread was gone...go figure!!!

    Later in the afternoon he called me and then he asked what I had for breakfast. I said two granola bars as there was no milk or bread. He got defensive and said, well I told you that was all the bread we have. I said, no you told me how much bread was left,I didn’t think you would take it all and not think of me. Once again he was angry, defensive and then pulled the victim card. Stating I should have known what he was saying about taking all the bread. Like I’m a freakin mind reader...

    That night he had a meeting and told his sponsor about the bread issue. The sponsor told him he was self centred and only thought of himself. This morning he apologized...

    I guess this entire situation has made me really take a hard look at myself and what I have tolerated. I am angry at him for not coming forward earlier in our marriage as I knew something was off. I don’t know whether he is sad about the bread issue because he wronged me or because his sponsor told him he was a jerk.

    If I give him my approval and acceptance, he turns it against me. Basically I’m a stupid fool for believing in him. Then he sabotages the progress. If I set consequences/boundaries Etc...I’m his mother and he treats me as his mother treated him. I’ve told him we are in this together, I’m not the enemy, but someone who loves him.

    Ya, it’s a constant damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation. I’m tired and worn out. There is no soft place to land, to feel safe and loved.

    MISTER DIRECTION... THANK YOU for your input . Stay the course and God is with you. You sound very determined and focused . Yes I understand about day one in the marriage. That’s where I am. I look at my PA and wonder who the heck did I marry. Our marriage has been based on lies and deception. It’s all overwhelming.
     
    Taketime likes this.

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