Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

@TryingToHeal yep, 12 here but I agree, it's a nice change. #HopeItLasts

 

DAY 31:

So, last night; sigh... it was a rough one for me.

We started our nightly talk a little later than usual for a work night (he goes to work for his nightshift) so we were pressed for time. During the talk he told me that he had a minor trigger earlier in the day. He was searching for phone wallpaper in an app and one of his searches came up with some almost nude anime pictures and that triggered him to want to play around with some other keywords to see what he can find. He said he stopped himself and even deleted all of his previous searches, so they don't pop up for him when he goes to look for other stuff later on. Then we were discussing some of the stuff he's been doing on NoFap and in the middle of his sentence, my dad called and needed help with his TV, so my husband went to go look and I sat on the bed waiting for him to come back.

So about 10-15 minutes later, he comes back and I am expecting him to sit back down so we could finish where we left off because we had about 40 mins left but no... he rushes in, starts getting dressed and tells me to get up and we can finish up our talk as he prepares his food for work and does the dishes. He wanted to leave early so he could go to the gym. I got pissed off, because it made it feel as though he wants these talks to just "check off" of his to-do list for the day, instead of to have a good and open communication. He's been telling me how this has been helping him and us get closer and I agree but as I've mentioned in previous posts, it's all new to me, I'm used to his old behaviors - so when he brushed it off like that; it made my assumptions of this being an "act", seem legit. He saw how my mood shifted as he was walking out the door and said "oh God, babe, now you're mad at me, you know I need to work out because I missed a lot of time during my week off" and I just said whatever and saw him out. My intent for that night was to finish that chat with some... "special time", because I was in the mood all day and it was day 30 of him being honest. So not only did I feel like my theory was being proven right, I was angry and FRUSTRATED (yea, in that way) too. I was fuming for hours. Then around 2 hours later, he texted me good night and added "It took me a while, but I realized I was selfish tonight".

Anyway, this morning we took a walk and talked about last night, he told me he realized he was being selfish but wanted to hear my side first. I told him what I already mentioned, that his actions were making my assumptions look pretty factual to me, how I felt slighted and pissed. Then he said he was sorry and he said he feels bad that he was only thinking about himself, his needs and resorted to his old ways. He said he realized now how selfish it was and will try to never do it again, because he wants to be different now. I told him "I hope so". But again, only time will tell. Then he mentioned he was on the NoFap forums answering people's questions etc., then he began to feel a strong urge to need to M when he gets home, because someone mentioned how it was a pattern behavior and apart of his routine, but since he was at work it went away. He told me all about it and said if for some reason he feels the urge come back when he gets in bed, he'll text me to come into the room, so I can talk with him (to distract from a possible urge). He never texted me, so I guess it went okay.

I was happy that he was honest with me about his triggers / urges and the fact that he realized and admitted his actions last night were selfish. It's progress, but he should have realized it BEFOREHAND and stayed home for the extra time to finish our talk.

 

DAY 32:

I need to vent a little, I know it's early but if I don't get this out it will drive me insane all day. This morning my husband asked me what I think about him and the guys from work, going to a baseball game in May, with a tailgate and all. He said if I didn't want him to or if it would trigger me, he wouldn't go. At first I told him I don't care, do whatever you want. To be honest though, he already knew how I would feel about it, so I don't even know why he would bother asking me, unless it was to guilt me into saying yes - because if I say NO; I'm the bad wife. I have a lot of problems with this scenario... I told him I don't want him sitting there all day, getting plastered and then driving home; he says "I'd only have 1 or 2 beers" - HA, yea okay . Then, I said you don't even like or care for baseball, he said "I'd be going just for the company". Now, the work friends - most of them love sitting around talking about women and their parts, and no matter what he says - I know this to be true; he says he would just ignore all that #YEARIGHT. So now in my head - I'm trying to figure out; how much fun would this be for him if: he plans on ignoring their conversations all day, can't drink more then 2 beers because he is driving and doesn't care for baseball as a sport? soooooooooooo... why go then, hmmm??? once I started thinking about all this, I felt my heart begin to race and my anger setting in, I didn't let him know that in the moment because I knew he was headed for bed, I just told him we'd talk later.

I am not an idiot, I know he would have more then 2 drinks, even if he declined his buddies would convince him that it's fine "you're going to eat, so many hours will pass before you drive again", I know this crap. I also know if everyone is going to be oogling women passing by, he is not going to put his hands over his eyes and not look or close his eyes and stick fingers into his ears and scream la la la la la while the others talk. I know he would actively participate in talking about "that ass" or "those tits", who'd they bang and what they'd do to 'her' etc., because if he doesn't others would notice and make fun of him, because they act like high schoolers. Plus, it wasn't so long ago that he couldn't control himself IN FRONT OF ME! let alone a group of guys c'mon and to be honest, even with him trying to change right now... I can't say at this point with full confidence that I can trust him to "ignore it".

These questions have been rolling around in my head nonstop: He knew upfront how I would feel about it, why did he ask anyway? Why would he want to put himself into such a risky situation? He's on vacation that week because of our anniversary, why would he want to spend all day at an event that he doesn't care for, can't drink or talk pretty much??? instead of with me; when he knows his work schedule keeps us apart, a lot. Maybe he actually wants to go and have time to freely drink and check out other women, to talk with his 'boys' about them??? why would he want to show me he is changing all this time, to have it all ruined because HE KNOWS what I would be thinking the whole time he's be out. Maybe he thinks he deserves to have a day of fun, while I get to sit at home with the kids and want to blow my brains out. Him going would be equivalent to a relapse to me, because I have absolutely NO way of knowing whether or not he could really control himself in a situation like that, I am no where close to the point yet and he already knows all of this, that's what kills me. He knows how fresh and raw all of this is for me still, why would he even ask????? unless of course, like I already said, it was to try to guilt me into saying yes, so he can go have his fun without dealing with me and "my problems" for a day. It must be nice to apparently not have enough on your mind, to want to have fun, when I can't even sit through a birthday dinner without wanting to jump out the window. Shit like this really makes me question so much.

Funny how he figured his going might trigger me, when just the question was enough to implode about. Even I had no idea how just one question would set me off like this, I'm raging so bad right now, he went to sleep and I have to deal with two kids all day - when I just want to scream, punch pillows and cry. Those questions keep firing off in my head every few minutes and making me question everything all over again and only for this simple fact he asked *knowing* exactly how I would feel about it and that's what's so frustrating and agonizing. I know he'll probably say "I didn't know you would react this way" but that's just not true, I got upset when he mentioned going to a bar with a friend earlier and I even made a big deal about going to his work holiday party because it was right after D-Day and I felt like him looking at other women/talking about them with the guys at work - was disrespectful to me and I didn't want to see those guys and think about what they might think about when they look at me and compare me to other women my husband could have been checking out and making comments about.

HE KNEW, but he still decided to ask. Was he testing my patience with this recovery? Now, I'm angry, sad and questioning everything all over again. ... and it was just one question. I'm so fucking damaged, I don't know what to do.

Although I am happy that our talks are bringing us closer and keeping him honest - these last few incidents are really calling into question a lot of shit and bring my mind back into some really dark and lonely places.

 

DAY 33: his recovery... and mine? part 1

Before I start today's journal post, I just wanted to say thank you to NoFap and the NoFap community, without you - none of this [progress] would be happening for me or my PA, further details [as to why] will be within today's post.

Something feels different today; for me, my healing, my recovery... so here comes a long post (sorry!).

Yesterday was a really bad day for me; nervous breakdown kind of bad - I was fuming for hours after he asked me about going to the game with his work buddies (read day 32 for details) and it didn't even hit me right away, so I wasn't expecting that to happen at all. We got home from running a quick errand and he went to bed (after his night-shift) and I sat down for a minute to respond to a clients email - suddenly, out of nowhere I began thinking about his question, why he asked it etc., a rush came over me; an uncontrollable one, kind of felt like a panic attack and all of these questions, thoughts, and feelings were firing off inside my head one after another - *bang* *bang* *bang*. I had no time to make sense of any of it at the moment because I was dealing with two kids all day, and this anger was gnawing at me the entire time. I suddenly realized that just him asking me that question, right now, when all of this (D-Day #4) was so fresh, raw and while our marriage is so strained was a big trigger for me - and it was only a question! I can't even begin to imagine what something worse would have me tailspin into. It makes me frustrated, sad and scared. This is not the kind of person I ever wanted to be. I hate who I have been driven to become. I was thinking about that as well, in between raging about his question. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that his behavior throughout the entirety of our marriage has conditioned me to have this sort of reaction; whether I like it or not. It's not something I can control, it's an autoresponse now, from the inside-out. So, what do I normally do when I've been pissed off about something all day? well, usually I just bottle up my feelings, put a smile on my face and put on a show; while I'm bleeding out internally. This time though, for the first time, I have NoFap as a resource. After my little one went down for her nap, the older one was busy in her room, I was going back and forth with whether or not to write out my frustrations here. I've never had anyone I could trust enough to vent to about such things [only my mom, but I didn't want to taint my husband's image in her eyes}, nor did I have an anonymous space to release my anger... but now I have NoFap. I know I have been writing in my journal daily, but I was considering NOT writing about yesterday here, because I knew my husband might read it and normally I would rather he figure out what's wrong, on his own. That's how I've always handled these type of problems. And if he couldn't figure it out, I would just stay mad and feel even worse at the fact that he couldn't even figure out why/what he did!! but after much negotiation with myself, I did, in fact, decide to just put it all out there and it was so therapeutic for me. He's been keeping up with his journal [when I know how much he hates writing] and being honest on here as well and I think knowing that, made it a little easier for me to consider being more open as well since he seems to be actively doing his part.

So when my husband woke up, he noticed something was off and he asked me "what's wrong?" and I said, "we'll talk about it later". I don't like having these kinds of conversations when they could easily be overheard by my kids. I'm paranoid they'll hear/understand and it may ruin their perception of my husband, their father. That's just how my mind operates. Anyway, it was almost bedtime for them, so I told my husband to go on NoFap, read my latest journal post and it will enlighten him as to why I'm in a foul mood and then we can discuss it after. So he did just that, he came back out of the room and confusingly said; "but I said if you say no - I won't go and that would be the end of it". I told him, it's just not that simple for me. I reiterated the points I wrote in my journal and explained how I connected all of the dots in my head and pointed out how one thing leads to another and how all of those "dots" would/do cause my head and heart to explode; hence why just the question was a trigger for me. He said that he now has a better understanding of how my thought process went and why a simple question set me off so bad. He said he is still working on being more considerate and less selfish, and he is sorry for what his question caused. I also mentioned, that even with this conversation, I still feel guilty for saying NO, because now I feel like it's my fault; I'm denying him fun with his work buddies because it triggers me. Again, that's just how my mind operates. I will say, this is the FIRST time that I have ever been open/honest and explained why I was upset with him, instead of letting it build up and simmer within me. It made us think about how bad our communication has really been throughout our whole marriage; not even taking the PA issue/effects into account. After our first D-Day, I spent years trying to convince him to talk with me on a deeper level, not just about the kids, work, tv shows etc., and he always rejected me. All I ever wanted to do was help him figure out why he had this "problem" and how to fix it but he led me to believe he was over it, stopped cold turkey etc., and he indeed had me fooled for the following 10 years. But with every rejection I got from him, any trust I had lingering with him was slowly vanishing more and more. But me opening up to him about my issue yesterday, is new, it's progress... makes me wonder if there is a chance that I could learn to trust again? all thanks to his and my NoFap journaling?

So, I wanted to thank NoFap and it's community for giving me a safe space to share anonymously without judgment. A place where others are in a similar situation and can actually understand what it's like to be the spouse of a PA. Until I found you, I literally had no one to talk to about this or any place to share my sadness, loneliness, fears, pain, and frustration without the fear of "being found out". Keeping everything bottled up in my head has been doing serious damage to my health and overall wellbeing, interactions with my kids, family, and friends -- so irritating because keeping up the act was getting harder and harder.

NoFap has given my PA the much-needed tools to help him fight his addiction and for the first time, he is actually motivated and engaged in making serious changes [so far] and I can see the difference between D-Day #1-3 vs D-Day #4. He has been receiving so much helpful advice, resources, and videos from you; and he is taking steps in the right direction by listening, watching and LEARNING about this process, himself and finally trying to understand how all of this has affected me.

So thank you NoFap community for being so therapeutic for me and my PA.

Tonight, I plan on doing some serious, honest reflection about this situation and myself as a person and I will try to post it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading

 

I don't really know what it looks like either, but being the closed off person that I am - I have found that finally letting it all "out", putting it into words, on here - has been pretty helpful. I feel a sense of relief afterward. I think I will really spend some time tonight/tomorrow - when the kids are occupied to really 'think' about myself, my pain and see if I can put it into words so that I can express/release some of my hurt. Maybe it will help me heal, if even slightly.

 

See, I guess it does make sense then. I have a difficult time expressing myself too because I don't want my hurt to hurt anyone else. I'm weird like that, but from the sounds of it, I am not alone. I'm pretty sure my husband won't enjoy reading it though :-/

 

DAY 34: his recovery... and mine? part 2

After a lot of thought, I decided to take a deep dive into my own mind and see if I could figure some shit out; about me.

Overall:

• Husband has continued to be honest with me.
• I am trying to open up a little more to him about my own struggles.
• Our talks have opened a whole new level of communication/intimacy for us.

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NOW ONTO SOME SELF REFLECTION; this is for me, for my healing, for my personal recovery...

Piggybacking off my last journal post...I am going to try and express some of my pain and thoughts, that have been bottled up, bare with me though because this is really difficult for me, I didn't even know if I'd end up posting it. I've been starting, stopping, deleting and pasting for hours, crying and this may even come off as rambling at times because as I type, I'm reliving it all again; making me an emotional wreck. Believe it or not, it's not even everything because my mind is a jumbled clusterfuck but maybe at some point, I can bring out even more.

I put my wall back up towards him immediately after our first D-Day over a decade ago. As more time passed, his inaction on the PA front, indifference about our relationship and lack of attention/affection towards me as a wife, lover, and friend... just left me disconnected, miserable, defeated and depressed inside; but no one could tell because I've become a pro at hiding behind my fake smile. Ugh and constantly second guessing/questioning everything, all the time has been sucking the life out of me, with each passing day - like a slow-moving poison; eating away at me. And my God, how I remember [pathetically] trying so fucking hard to WAKE HIS ASS UP, to show him how much I was struggling, how I needed him to be there for me. I was wasting so much time and energy throwing out hints that went right over his head. It even got to the point where I just flat out told him: HELLO!!!!! I WANT/NEED THIS; it varied at times but I told him about the romance I wanted, the connection I yearned for but got nothing in return, ever. I was left alone with my depressing thoughts and feeling unwanted, rejected and ignored - and it's not like he ever bothered to make me feel any different, therefore in order to protect myself from further disappointment I just kept adding reinforcements to my wall. Some may wonder; myself included on occasion, "well, if you were so miserable, why didn't you just leave him after the first D-Day?". The truth is: 1) I felt trapped; I just had our first baby and I didn't want to be a single mom. 2) I was embarrassed and ashamed to admit to ANYONE what was going on because to the outside world, we were the perfect family. 3) Somewhere deep inside, I still held out some hope [again, pathetically] that if he loved me and our baby; if even a little, he really would eventually step up and try to change his ways.

I decided to stay in this marriage only because I felt it was "the right thing" to do for our family [again putting myself last]. I never planned on letting him back in [in regards to trust or having a real connection with him]; like ever, and he was obviously content with how things were, so I gave up on feeling happy - it was easier to put on a show for everyone else and keep the act going; me suffering the whole time? eh, what else is new, didn't feel like I deserved anything better. At some point in between the last decade, he made it seem (had me believe) that he actually put this PA thing behind him and 'moved on from his childish ways' - he had me fooled for 10 whole years! [fyi: had I known, I would have never had a second child with him; as much as I love her to death now], because his behavior towards me as a spouse never changed at all - maybe once in a blue moon after I nagged him enough times he would get me some flowers for a few weeks and then it would eventually run its course and he'd go back to doing nothing to make me feel desired or wanted by him. Sex; we both enjoy very much, we had A LOT of it, but just because we were active, didn't make me feel anymore desired by him, I after a while I figured he was just 'getting his', I was 'getting mine' and that's-that, it was never "making love" or true intimacy, it was just fun sex, with me; but only because I was already there (easy access and he didn't have to try hard to get it). The worst part about all of this - is the utter shame and guilt I have, to this day; for blaming my then infant for all of this. Yep, I said it, I blamed, even resented my innocent baby girl for causing my body to become disgusting enough to make my husband hate the sight of it and in turn, end up hating me and regret that he is now stuck with me. I developed serve postpartum depression because of it, took me a while to feel a mother/child connection with her BUT it gave me a solid explanation for his PA, his checking out other women [in front of me] and it validated to me; why he was making me feel so unwanted - because I was now ruined for him. In my head it was all too clear: by giving birth to our child - I ended up gaining some weight, my stomach got bigger, developed stretchmarks, had a C-section scar... I looked and felt tired all the time - so of course, who the hell would want to be with someone like that? no shit he would rather be spending all day and night getting off to the perfect girls on the videos, instead of the steaming pile of shit I've now become and there is no way I could ever compare to them, not anymore, not with all these scars. I began rationalizing it and even agreeing with him in my head, like; I wouldn't find me attractive either, I would probably be looking at other options out there too, comparing them and thinking about what I could have had instead of what I'm stuck with and I guess I wouldn't even care if it was in front of my spouse, because to me, they are a worthless nobody and so who cares how they feel. I HATE that I blamed and resented her for it, that I missed out on the early mother/child connection because of it, but that's my shame to live with till the day I die. Not mention how pathetic it was that I was trying to justify his behavior towards me by blaming a baby/myself; instead of the true culprit - him.

I've spent so much time trying to make some sense as to why his personality might have shifted... again giving him an easy cop-out; i.e: everyone changes! obviously, the guy he was when we were dating was his "game" to woo me over into marrying him, everyone must do it. Funny thing is, I actually had a lot of options at the time and I choose him because I found him hot, we had [still have] so much in common, he was super sweet to me, considerate, caring, he led me to believe that he was THE ONE, the someone I could finally let in [trust ], count on to be there for me, no matter what, he would protect me from those trying to hurt me, oh and like I mentioned before it didn't hurt that the sex was fantastic too. One example that gave me all that hope, which I still remember vividly was when we just started dating, I got sick and kept getting sick (with a cold) for almost a month and he would still take the train for two hours to be with me, even when I told him don't come because it's not like we could do much - he just came to hold me, I mean, where fuck did that guy go? because once we were married; it was the ultimate bait and switch - all of a sudden I found myself sharing a bed, my heart and making an emotional investment with some stranger, one who ogled other women IN FRONT of me, had this deep, dark - secret double life? my whole world really came apart after D-Day #1... I felt as though my life was a total shitshow, what's worse? I ended up blaming myself and felt like I didn't deserve any better. That I must be getting punished for something.

As these 12 years passed me by I found myself believing and coming to terms with everything I thought that he thought, and the thoughts only got worse and worse with every new year. It was draining pretending to be a happy person as I got more depressed and even angrier with every day that passed. Every time I felt like he was checking someone out, doing PM, looking at photos etc., I felt more and more ugly, fat, old, and just disgusting. I stopped caring about myself, I gave up on attempting to ever be happy again because if my own husband found me so ugly, worthless and unlovable, who else wouldn't feel the same as him? like who would want to put in any effort to show me that I deserve to be loved, adored, cherished and happy. As I sit here, going through all these thoughts again; I'm also recalling how many guys were flirting with me throughout these years [even at work] and how damaged I must have become, to such a point where those flirtations didn't inspire a change in how I now saw myself, because the one man I wanted, to want me - just didn't. It's weird how the mind works.

This final D-Day though - it hit me HARD. I felt something shift deep inside of me. I don't know why this time was different, maybe it was because the one right before it; as much pain and trauma as I was in; I still gave him a damn olive branch and said "all I ask for - is honesty, from this point on; I can't take being lied to anymore, please let me help you" he "agreed" and within two months he went right back to 'it' and yep the lying/hiding/denying again. I snapped. My bP was soaring, my mental state was wrecked and I have finally had enough. I didn't give a fucking shit anymore, screw him, screw those chicks he was daydreaming about INSTEAD of me and screw the 12 years I've already wasted. There is only so much a person can take. I gave him ALL of me, my love, support, blood, sweat, tears, body, mind, heart and soul ...and have been punished so severely for it, I wasn't me anymore, I was just a shell of a person that must have existed a long time ago. I decided there was nothing left for me to do in this one-sided marriage, he checked out a long time ago, and he continued to choose his PM over me, over our family, time and time AGAIN and I just could not take another round of this vicious cycle of betrayal anymore. So, I came to terms with the fact that I am done with our marriage, took my rings off, put them in the safe and was planning on returning them to him on our last day 'together'. In January of this year, I told him that I decided that I can not stay in this marriage any longer, and after talking about it a bit, we both agreed that we would separate "officially" in three years (once our eldest makes it into HS; she's a very emotional child and a divorce could throw her off in school). We were going to continue to play house; to save face in front of family and friends and then make a formal announcement when the time was right. I've been mentally preparing myself... even set aside a list of local divorce attorneys for when the time comes, refreshing my resume etc. The next few hours/days after D-Day #4 - so many thoughts kept firing off in my head at random. All I kept thinking about was how the hell did I end up in this fucked up situation. ME, the person put everyone else's needs before her own, the person others knew they could come to for help or advice! then fear set in and I wondered "what if I can't make it on my own" and then my old/typical response crossed my mind to maybe just try and give him another chance? but then it hit me: STOP, many women have done it, made it and had even worse circumstances. I reminded myself "why would I even want to consider giving him another chance? to continue living with a man who has shown absolutely no affection, remorse, sympathy or empathy towards me? made me feel unwanted, ugly, and fat compared to the "P" women or those he had the nerve to check out IN FRONT of me... a man who has spent almost our entire marriage lying to me? hurting me? destroying my self-worth... without giving two shits as to what it was doing to me. I mean he did NOTHING this whole time to ever show me he wanted to/or was going to try to change, at least ask for help if he couldn't figure it out on his own or that he realized how he has devastated me, our marriage and any possible future". For once I finally realized that I just don't care anymore because maybe, just maybe I was finally considering the idea that I DIDN'T DESERVE this kind of treatment, no one does, especially not from the one person you thought would be the rock you could hide behind to protect yourself from others hurting you in this way. All I've been was loving, supportive, loyal and honest. I am [finally] at a point where I just want to know what it feels like to happy, I even began to fantasize - how awesome it could potentially find a man who would love me, the way I love - unconditionally! a man who makes sure I KNOW that he thinks I'm beautiful, smart, witty, fun and just worth the effort! I've been fantasizing about a relationship like that for years now and I finally WANT it, for myself, I am not getting any younger and I don't want to spend any more time hating myself or questioning how my spouse feels about me. If he is interested in me, I should know it, feel it, and I should never ever have to wonder about that fact.

Then the age of social media and smartphone hit, giving even the most unattentive, romantically inept person, ample opportunity to at least fake some interest, but no he was busy with more important stuff like playing games 24/7, checking out half naked photos of women on IG and watching P. Even when it came to simple (some would even say "stupid" little things) he couldn't throw me a damn bone - I would always reach out to him and he gave me nothing back; nothing, and he knew it would make me happy and take little to no effort on his part because I got so frustrated at being ignored all the time that I ended up TELLING HIM at some point... so, what was I looking for? just some attention from him, I was practically screaming for it; like responding to posts on Facebook/IG that I would tag him in, liking/commenting on pictures of me, us or whatever I posted (not all the time, but at least once in a while) because if I was posting it, obviously it was IMPORTANT to me; including my design posts (portfolio samples) -- but he didn't care, which translated in my mind to: 'he doesn't care about me, my interests or my feelings'. To add insult to injury I saw that he's been active on other pages/groups/commenting on posts, and what irked me the most was his constant liking of beautiful half-naked cosplayers; meanwhile, I'm over here like: HELLO, *KNOCK-KNOCK* REMEMBER ME? All I needed was some acknowledgment that existed to him - for more than just having a companion at home to raise his kids, watch tv shows, movies and to have sex with from time to time. I sincerely lost all hope on real-life attention/affection from him, I got tired of begging for it. So I wanted/needed him to write something sweet to me on FB, IM or text once in a while... and I never got anything from him. Meanwhile, time and time again, I would scroll through tons of posts popping up on my feed from my friend's husbands writing fucking public love letters to their wives, *taking* selfies with their wives, uploading photos and celebrating how much they love them. Tagging them in posts they thought would interest them, a funny meme, an inside joke, a movie they plan to see -- anything and everything, to some it seems like nothing, silly, petty or "stupid" but to me, it shows that they are thinking of their wife. I tried for a long time, even brought it up to him, but after a while I just gave up and stopped tagging him in any of my posts, he didn't give a shit anyway - so I just tagged friends who were interested in responding to my posts, laughed with me and engaged with me. (** Side note: I also stopped tagging my real life "best friends", for a similar reason... but more on that another time.) Shit, I got so much more compliments, even propositions* from other men, then I was getting at home; that if I wasn't such a loyal moron, I could have gone out and 'lost myself' once in a while to at least remember what it was like to be chased, be wanted and feel like a fucking real woman again. I ended up getting such a rush of excitement from all of the attention I was getting online, from other people - that I actually began preferring that world to the one I was actually living in. Before, I used to get excited at the thought of my husband getting the night off so he could be home with me at night; because I would always think *tonight might be the night* where he might do something different with me, show me a little love, attention... without me having to hint at it - but as more and more time passed, those nights came and went - and it just never happened. So, eventually I began preferring that he go to work, even looking at the time and wishing it would move faster, so I could go spend the rest of my night chatting and joking around with other people - you know, ones who actually wanted to talk with me, who told me I was beautiful, who told me I crack them up, who wanted to be engaged in my likes and interests - instead of just watching a few TV shows and calling it a night; every time. Don't get me wrong, I love me some good shows/movies and relaxing, but not every single day off; for 12 years. So, I ended up creating and running a lot of facebook groups and made more and more [online] friends through them, they had similar interests/humor as me [as my husband does as well] but because when I reached out, they reached back - I felt more connected to them, then I did with him, sad ain't it? that I would rather spend time sharing a joke with a complete stranger, then with the man I married.

You see my husband's constant indifference to me; as his wife... led me to see myself; as who I imagined he saw when he looked at me: An ugly, good for nothing fool who would continue buying his lies of "sorry! I promise it will never happen again!" no matter how many times he did it, because frankly - who else would want this garbage? [me] and what other choice do I have, now with two kids involved and he knew I would inevitably always suck it up and stay because I would put my kids first.

Well - right now, being with someone who thinks I'm not worth any effort, just won't work for me anymore. I'm just done with all that bullshit. I've grown to hate the person it has caused me to become, always so angry, negative, snapping at my kids, irritated by people around me -- sometimes for no damn reason. I want to be happy, I don't want to be miserable anymore... life is too fucking short. I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship where the same amount of love, loyalty, and respect that is given; is indeed returned, without having to ask for it... I find myself daydreaming about it, a lot [which I find really depressing, coming from a married woman]. I even catch myself getting jealous when I see other couples looking happy and in love; on and offline. I want a relationship where we are BOTH truly there for each other, open, HONEST, can trust one another with anything, where there is no need to hide anything, no secrets, no double lives, no constant worrying/waiting for "the second shoe to drop" again and again, where we are both really happy just to be together, where I actually feel wanted, beautiful, sexy and he will let the world know if he has to, just to make sure that I never have to doubt it. A relationship where I don't need to BEG for some affection, attention or a shoulder to cry on - someone who is just there for me 110%, to be in a place where I don't need to give him hints, because he just understands me and where I'm coming from, good god I yearn for that kind of love so bad. I want the kind of relationship I thought I was signing up for when I said yes, not the bait and switch I ended up with.

He kept abusing my love for him for YEARS, never stopped lying to me even when we both knew the facts, and even after I offered my support and help!!!!!!! he would still look me straight in my eyes and deny, deny, deny; making me out to be a fucking nutjob - that all of this was only in my head; I making something out of nothing. With every new discovery, every glance at another woman...I was left feeling more and more unwanted, unattractive, disgusting, hurt, betrayed and depressed... I have been so severely damaged that sometimes I wonder if I'm beyond repair.

For the first time I spent almost the entire night up, trying to put into words some of my pain; and that alone is difficult for me; to put it all out into the open and making myself vulnerable. But getting it out of my head and onto a tangible source is giving me some much-needed relief. I don't know how or why, but it feels better to release it; rather than keep it raging inside. I think I will continue this method, while I am trying to figure myself out because for once, I need to put myself first, I need to try and heal; somehow, someway.

Now after reading all of that, some of you may be wondering, why am I on NoFap, why am I still bothering to help my husband; especially now that I said I was done... well there's two reasons 1) Because any way you slice it, he's still going to be the father of my two girls and I need him to be recovered, for them. 2) Kind of because of this website. Let me elaborate... Each of the previous discoveries all went down the same exact way: • He gets caught • We fight about it • I scream/cry for a few hours • He says he is sorry and promises to never do it again {End scene}... that's it... no further action, reflection, thoughts or considerations from him. He quickly moves on, while I'm stuck with my grief and pain alone; so I just seal it up inside, pretend I am okay and we just continue with our lives. Like I mentioned though, this time I was actually DONE - done. So, I decided I needed to find someone to talk to about all of this; since I literally had no one around me that I could talk to and since I couldn't risk using my true identity for this stuff, I created a fake facebook account and found some support groups on there to join (groups for other women in the same boat). I posted my story and got a few responses; most of which immediately said: RUN GIRL, RUN! but one comment caught my attention. It was another woman, in a very similar situation to mine, who told me to PM her if I wanted someone to talk to, so I did. We probably spent 3 hours talking, venting and truly understanding exactly what the other one was going through. At the end of our conversation, she told me about her husband's last chance with her; which she only agreed to if he took this recovery seriously 'this time'. She told me about the "NoFap 90-day reboot", I had no idea what that was (or what the hell "fapping" even meant, yea I was that out of touch lol) anyway when she explained it to me, the idea did peak my interest. I checked out the site but didn't know what to do with it. Then I finally decided "eh, what the hell" and I sent the link to my husband on Jan 29th, 2018 with the following message: "Look it over and let me know if you are interested". To be honest, I didn't think this site or subject would ever come up again... because he never responded to that message and I figured he didn't even bother checking it out, doesn't care and just went back to doing what he always did, absolutely nothing. So I was not shocked, to say the least, and it validated/confirmed to me that my decision to end this marriage was the right one. However, three days later - much to my surprise ... he told me signed up for this site.

Since signing up, he actually took some initiative [without me asking] for the first time; ever, and began talking to others on here, checking in with groups, forums, getting [and actually taking] advice, reading, learning, watching videos and even journaling [when I know how much he hates writing]. The first week I thought he was just messing around to make it look like he was "doing something," since our fight was still fresh. Then someone on here recommended that he invests some time in communication [with me]... so he asked me if I would be interested in talking to him, every night for 15-20 minutes; without our phones, computers or any distractions [first thing that popped into my head was: BRO, WTF HAVING I BEEN BEGGING YOU FOR... FOR YEARS!!! omg ugh ]. Anyway, then he asked me if I would also be his accountability partner because he wants to get used to being honest with me; I agreed to support him throughout this process/recovery but I made sure to let him know that just because I said yes to this, it does not mean all is suddenly forgiven. I told him, however; since I decided to stick around for the next 3 years anyway - if I actually see some significant changes and they are FOR REAL and not for show... I will leave the possibility of forgiveness open, not making promises or changing my current plans, yet; but who knows. I think that may have motivated him a little more. So, here we are a little over a month in and so far, we've talked openly and honestly every single day, even if he is tired or I am, he insists. He tells me about all of his triggers, urges, thoughts; big or small, about his NoFap posts, questions he's gotten and how he has responded, we go over everything and try to dissect it all - together... and although I end up listening more than talking, this openness and sharing is new for me, especially coming from him - but I have to say, I like it.

In recent days, I guess because of my journaling on here; I took my own big step and told him about my recent trigger; something I would have normally festered about for days - leaving him confused/guessing and me; pissed off because he couldn't figure it out. I have to say this has probably been one of the biggest challenges for me; personally and the changes are making a difference, I can actually call it real PROGRESS and has taken us to a new deeper level. I don't think we've ever been so honest with each other, these talks are taking our connection/intimacy to a place it has never been before, even sex began feeling like making love. Sorry for the TMI but; we even did it while I was on my period... something I would have never-ever-ever-ever considered a month ago, I always said NO because I didn't want it to further destroy my image for him. I have to say the biggest change came after he watched the "Help Her Heal" series; it seems he is now more aware; he has a greater appreciation and understanding of how much pain, betrayal, and suffering was inflicted upon me, how severe the damage was - not just with his PM and ogling, but with the many, many years he ignored me; as a woman. I am noticing that he is taking a lot of [new] steps, stuff that never would have crossed his mind before. So change definitely seems to be occurring; slowly. However, as much as I would LOVE to say this is for real - I don't know if it will last, this new behavior is just so strange and foreign to me - coming from him, that it makes it so much harder to believe - if that makes sense.

Phew, I think I am done for today I feel so much better I'm just trying to find a way to heal... thank you for reading and supporting not just the PA's recovery process on here, but the SO's as well...

 

Thank you, it took a lot out of me.

 

I really appreciate the feedback, yes a lot of us S.O's feel like all we do it try to throw out hints, but they always go unnoticed. And just 'telling it straight' - we don't want to do because we don't want you to pretend because we asked; it has to come from the heart, not from nagging if it makes sense.

Writing it all out really helped me - it's like a huge weight has been lifted. @Wade W. Wilson read it and part by part, he stopped and we discussed it. It was therapeutic. But even after writing all that, sadly the first thought that came to my mind was "I am afraid this will hurt HIM if he reads it", somethings just never change.

 

It really feels that way, doesn't it? "Moron of 10 years", sometimes I can't believe some of the things I've been put through; myself. As for the topic not existing for your PA yet, he may not be ready to admit he has a problem; to himself (like really come to grips with it). Shit, it took mine a whole 12 years to hit rock bottom and only after I told him that this marriage is essentially done. I would normally just give him an empty threat of "Okay, one more chance but if I catch you again, we're over" but this time, I didn't say he had another chance - I said: I am done, we are finished, point-blank and I think he saw that my answer was not empty this time.

Listen, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me on here. <3

 

DAY 35:

DAILY GOALS:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers.
• Spend some time on my healing.
• Spend at least 15-20 minutes talking with my husband (w/o distractions).

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AFTER MY SELF REFLECTION ENTRY:

Yesterday was a really emotionally charged day for me, I spent the better half of it - trying to let go of aka writing out my true pain/struggle with my PA and what this; in essence, marriage has done to me. This is something that I have never had the courage to do... 1) Confront my own inner demons and 2) Give those on the outside an all-access pass to my pain, struggle, innermost thoughts, and depressing feelings. I've never been shy to lend a listening ear, give my opinions/advice to others, but to shine a light on my own truth? nah, never - because that would make me vulnerable and that's just something I prefer NOT to be. Over the years I've become an expert at just bottling everything up inside; always dealing with it on my own and putting on an Oscar-worthy performance for others, and they are none the wiser. This has been my way, for my entire life; for various reasons - most of the time, I'm afraid that my true feelings might hurt the people I love and I would rather hurt, then inflict pain on others. I also find that the fewer people know, the less opportunity it gives them to hurt me even more. This has been the FIRST time, I grew *a pair* and decided to just put it out there.

Last night, my husband read my "confession" post; with me in the room. He wanted to read each part and should he have any thoughts or questions, I would be there so he could bring it up right away. Well, that's exactly what he did and for the first time, I was open enough, raw enough to answer honestly even while I was fearing what he might think. It was a really painful read for him, I guess a true eye opener and it put him dead square into my head and how much damage was really done; whether he intended or not - it was still a painful struggle for me. As soon as he was done reading it, he teared up and just wanted to lay down and hug me for a few minutes. I was concerned that reading this might hurt him so much that it could cause a de-gression in his recovery, but he said it was actually good for him - to be more aware of the damage that was done, to help him understand it all better. Afterward, we both spent a while just talking and we both agreed; that the last 35+ days - something has changed for us; significantly... we've developed a better, deeper and more intimate connection; something we've never had in all of the years we've been together. It's the daily talks, seeing him being honest (for once), vulnerable and open with me about his lying, addiction, and struggles... and I can honestly say that; if not for them [the talks], I would have never decided to open up about my pain; on here or with him. I was so emotionally drained, man, it was both a relief and very exhausting at the same time.

How I would have usually dealt with my own truth:

 

I truly appreciate your sentiment.

 

DAY 36:

DAILY GOALS MET?

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers.
• D-DAY #5 just occurred...still shell-shocked, but husband confessed/admitted to far more than I knew last night...
• Spend at least 15-20 minutes talking with my husband (w/o distractions).

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Last night our daily talk started at 11:00 pm... and somehow ended at 3:30 am... he made a really big admission to me, something that I would have never found out on my own - probably ever. What he confessed to is much worse then what I thought he was doing this whole time. I am still trying to cope, understand and process all of this information, my thoughts are all jumbled. On the one hand, I asked for complete honesty and that's what I finally got... on the other hand, what he admitted to me, pales in comparison to just his PM addiction. Right now, I can not even figure out what to really document here in my journal about. I will, at some point, but I need to gather my thoughts.