How do you handle IRL porn?

Yeah man, it’s real. My number one rec is to put the phone down and resist the temptation to doomscroll, but it can show up irl as well. Last summer I had some time in Dallas, and it was super tough. Women were putting themselves on display. It’s their prerogative, but not helpful to me or you. I told myself over and over that their behavior didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean, but that had limited use in helping me out.

Avoid spaces like beaches and pools, and parks and such where you know people are going to be out looking for attention.

I don’t have anything else. Stay inside with the A/C, maybe, and remember S is for emotional connection before pleasure. I’m sorry, it’s not a lot.

You know, Plato’s “Republic” opens with one character asking another, in rough translation, “How’s it feel to be so damn old?” and the response “Fantastic. Since I’m not so horny, I can focus on things that are more worthwhile.” I feel that.

 

Badly lol.

It's been a while since I looked at anything on a screen so it seems like my brain is in desperate seeking mode when I go out. I've been making more of an effort to go out recently, not "out out", just outside in general(I've lived a very reclusive life up to this point). I don't handle seeing provocatively dressed(am I even allowed to say this?) women very well. Just the other day I was in the supermarket early in the morning, mostly full of old people when suddenly I see this one very attractive girl wearing nothing but a bikini bra top and super tiny shorts pulled all the way up. I wish I could say I looked away but I'd be lying. I should probably count that as a relapse as it definitely felt like one at the time.

Tight black leggings being a staple part of most fit young women's wardrobe is also very unhelpful.

 

You can move to a monastery or live your whole life inside your house but is that really a life you want? What happens when you are watching tv and there is an attractive woman on the movie or show you are watching? And then imagine if there is a love scene and she is topless? My point to this, is you have to learn how to figure out how to live a life and control this addiction. You need to figure out a way to see an attractive woman and not use it as an excuse to relapse. Maybe seeking professional help would be right for you.

It seems like the original post and follow up posts want to put the blame on the attractive people. It's not their fault or their responsibility to not trigger you. It's your addiction justifying a way to continue with the addiction and not take responsibility.

 

I think everybody has a duty to be respectful of others and that includes how you dress and present yourself. I don't think it's ok for women to walk around practically naked, if I were to walk into a shop wearing only speedos I would be escorted out of there immediately.

I also don't use them as a reason to relapse, I just cannot control how my brain reacts in that moment, it's completely involuntary. How am I as a heterosexual male supposed to react to seeing a barely clothed fit young woman anyway? I cannot just look at her like she is a tree. Maybe we just need to accept that some have higher sensory tolerances than others, clearly mine is low and will perhaps always remain so.

 

Porn has made us entitled, we've become so used to being able to click on incredibly attractive women and see things we otherwise would never have. Once you quit you're going to feel extremely frustrated, the hope is that over time the frustration will subside. In the mean time you should probably try and work on yourself to make yourself the most attractive version you possibly can, the other option is to wallow in pity but that shit gets old quick and won't make the situation any better.

 

Seeing an attractive lady is fine. We're designed to procreate. It would be unusual to not have any temptations.

The problem is what do we do when we see one?

I do at least one of the following things, whichever comes to mind first.

• Tell myself a story based on what i see. This rehumanises her. Yeah, it's not going to be totally accurate but saying "she's stressed cause she's running for the bus and she's got an exam today" or "she's so poor she doesn't have a jacket in this rain" means i see her as a person, not an object. Sometimes i then pray for her on that basis. It's more effective than a general "she's someone's wife" because it allows me to see her in context of real life.
• Don't look a second time. We get good at what we practice. If we practice second looks we allow ourselves opportunity to lust. If we do so we are practicing lust. Sometimes this can increase desire though, because of fear of missing out. Remember though that you've missed out on real life because of this attitude.
• Remember that those lustful gazes are a step back toward porn if allowed to continue.
• Refocus on whatever I'm actually doing. Recently i was at the park with my son, and there was an attractive woman in the park too. Right behind where my son was playing. I wanted to reposition myself but i couldn't, so I focused more attention ok what my son was doing. I very quickly forgot about her.
• Take bold action. I recently asked my wife if we could move further into the wall when we were at church, because it was safer for me to move so that someone wasn't within eyesight.

 

Definitely go on that retreat to the monastery. Just a few days will be very enlightening!!

Most of us don’t get a break from the barrage of internet, images, sexy women IRL. We need a break from that shit. Go to the monastery, or get out in nature.

 

So your standards of looking respectful are the ones that everyone needs to follow? Or who is the one that sets these standards? Maybe we should just all walk around in brown paper sacks all day long?

Who says a woman walking around in a sports bra and shorts while outside is not an acceptable standard? Maybe she finished a 15 mile run and is in the process of cooling down and walking to bring her heart rate down?

Maybe the woman who is wearing a skirt you feel is too short but she finds acceptable just lost 100 pounds and is feeling confident about how she looks for the first time in her life?

What about if a man is in shape and takes care of himself physically, is well groomed, and wearing a well tailored suit? If a woman who is fighting porn addiction finds this an attractive look and is triggered, how should that man now dress? It's not his fault that he triggered someone. If anything I would argue he is being the one who is being respectful of others and how he presents himself.

My point is that in this world you can't control other people and what they do. You can only control how you respond to these situations, so you need to figure out what is best for you and how to deal with these situations because it's really just basic every day life.

 

Congratulations on finding your root cause of fapping. That is a big step. And good for you on seeking therapy, but go into the therapy with an open mind and try to get the most out of it that you can.

First these people filming themselves in the gym need to stop. That's a whole other issue for some other discussion. And the gym can be a difficult spot because you have fit women there who are dressing to workout, which unfortunately can be a trigger. Keep in mind they did nothing wrong, the issues are yours and the therapy will help you work through them.

 

First step is that you realize that none of these people are your porn, nor are they trying to be your porn. If you can't look without lusting, just don't look, because it's a you problem and not a them problem.

They are not out to get YOUR attention and they are not trying to display themselves. They are wearing what they are comfortable in or possibly trying to look nice for someone they are interested in.

It reminds me of my husband's grandmother when we were dating and about to take a beach trip. I wore a dress down to mid-thigh over a one piece bathing suit and got the question "who are you showing off for?" Lady, this is not showing off and if I were showing off for anyone, it would be your grandson, who I am in conversations with about marriage.
You're looking at GenZ and all the young girls who are dressed in less than you are used to. I work with GenZ/soon GenAlpha and they are not trying to show off in the manner you indicated. They are just trying to look cute and feel good about themselves, according to the standard that previous generations built their media around. It is not sexualized to them anymore than showing ankle was sexual to you, despite some cultures considering that to be "lascivious" and "showing off".

 

What about being completely naked? What if my nutsack gets very warm and that's not healthy for sperm so I need to let it hang out?

 

Hence the absurd excuses about how it's just a convenient way to train and the fake outrage when they catch someone staring which was not at all their intent, yeah sure.

 

And he has the nerve to make her walk into his field of view, right? If you show your tits publicly, you're showing them to everyone, I'm sorry to tell you.

 

That is not true at all and you know that. Women from a young age, let's say 13, are ... I will not use the word but they know what they're doing, let's put it that way. They realize their power and they're happy to wield it Lolita style.

 

Just because your brain likes to sexualize them and justify it doesn't mean that's what they're doing. They like to look cute, for themselves, for their friends at school, for their romantic interests. They are absolutely not trying to reel in or trigger a bunch of adult porn addicts. They were raised with stuff like crop tops normed. Do they sexually experiment with their appearance? Sure, like every other generation before them. But it's only in the pornified brain that they are "wielding power" and it demonstrates an incredible level of pedophilia for grown men to go around talking about mid-pubescent sexual "power".
Y'all need to realize this is part of your mental disorder.

 

Your word "showing" has a lot of intent implications that are just totally incorrect. In cultures where going topless is normed, this is not an issue. You are the one sexualizing it.

 

I agree, they are absolutely trying to display themselves, just only to certain people.

 

I think he mentioned that age bracket because that is where it starts. You took that bait and ran with it, also added some shaming in there.
I would be interested to know just where you would draw the line. There was a time when older women would say something to younger ones about these things. Now, its all mens problems. I think men can have an opinion about what is appropriate without having a "mental disorder" I have an issue with the way my 25 YO daughter dresses sometimes, but will not say anything for this reason. My ex wife doesnt either since shes have her second adolesence.