Damage

I can hear your heart-for-your-wife in your words....did you read this post / this call to husbands?

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...o-be-worthy-of-your-wifes-trust-again.141792/

..

Part of putting out this call to husbands .. and hopefully banding together is to challenge one another in how we best show our wives that we love them .... I was thinking down to practical things, sharing ideas of what did and didn't work / why we thought something did or didn't work.

There is not a one-size-fits-all solution .. it all takes a lot of time and energy to rebuild the trust / rebuild our wives confidence in us. But we don't have to do it alone. This forum is a great place to support each other through this long arduous process.

Anyway, if you are interested .. go to that post and comment and/or PM me.

 

I'm in the same situation here. Pretty much what I had to do was just put every single horrible thing on the table, and then make every step to change and hold myself accountable. The pain will be there for a while. Trust takes a long time to build and even longer time to rebuild once it's been betrayed. Stay true to yourself and to her. Only then will the pain start to ease.

 

What's done is done...and all you can do is try to patch things up -- and maybe give her some space (which I know, those two thoughts are at odds with each other .. welcome to the battle of regaining our SO's trust!)

Thoughts for next time you and her talk or get into a confrontational situation:
* breathe
* think before you say anything
* listen
* REALLY listen
* your thoughts should be focused on your hurting SO .. not your pain/discomfort of the moment
* then, maybe, say someting

For the record, I am very much talking to myself as I write that list down.

Good luck my friend.

 

It's the question, in my opinion, we shouldn't ask.
Of course you think they measured up or are as hot.
I have never asked this.
I fear all the answers around it.
Personally, she just wanted to hear your confirmation of the fears outloud.
She's got balls.
I wish you a good day today... Damage after a fight like that will always b worse the day after... Not immediately after.
Good luck

 

Is it easier for you to get your real thoughts out in writing? You've written your posts well here. I've found it's a lot easier for my SO and myself to talk through text instead of face to face sometimes, if it's a really serious issue. My other recommendation... write her a letter. Sometime when you're alone and can gather your thoughts well enough to really explain in words what you're feeling and thinking. One, you'll be able to communicate what you've been wanting to in a less invasive/stressful way. Two, she will appreciate the effort that writing a letter took.

 

As @WantsToBelieve said writing can help especially when you are feeling emotional flooding or emotionally overwhelmed.

Here is a link to explain this
https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-physiological-self-soothing/

I certainly can recall times that I felt overwhelmed with feeling attacked even if the he was coming from a reasonable place for him being angry. I would trip up, over state or as my husband would say beat around the bush even if it was I that was trying to communicate a complaint on something left me feeling.
It was the anxiety and fear I would experience from having conversations or trying talk with him (not just of him but also triggers from past relationships).
My heart would pound, I could even start to physically shake and then I couldn’t think straight and my communication would effectively go out the window.
It’s taken a lot of work with compassion and understanding for each other to work around these things and learn how to fight in a healthy way with each other.
I hope the link can help.

 

I'm going to agree with this as well. I know I can be more concise and thoughtful when I have time to think and use the exact words I'm trying to say. Effective communication is key, and in a moment of high stress it's very unlikely to happen.
I know exactly how you feel, about you finding your partner more attractive than anything else...but it's impossible for her to feel that way. Every single day since birth, women are told that their worth is in their appearance. They are told that men are visual creatures, and people in general believe that males are only interested in appearance. Therefor, if you need to go somewhere ELSE for visual stimulation, she's not fulfilling that basic need. It's a bit more complicated for us than that though. We are a generation raised on porn. It has become so damn normal, that even taking a good hard look at it, we might not see anything wrong. But when you really THINK. When you see beyond the addiction. It's one of the worst things that exists in this world.
Write down exactly how you feel. Let her know everything. Tell her you never want to look at it again. Be genuine. Let her know it's okay if she doesn't want to be with you, but you are committed to this change either way. Tell her you would LIKE her to help, but understand if she cannot. Do this for her, but also remember that you are doing this for you.

 

My ex was a pmo addict and he had a serious issue with lying on top of that. The lying was something he developed as a young child. Whenever he would say something lwrong he would get yelled at or criticized by an overbearing Mother (she is I met her) so he just started telling people what they wanted to hear and more often than not those are lies. Me I tell it like it is and don’t care. Often times lying and anxiety stems from low self esteem. If you have high self esteem you know you will be loved no matter what you say and if not too bad for them not you. But people with anxiety don’t.

My ex had a harder time fixing his habit of lying than he did his pmo. He would lie about stuff that did not matter but everything he did it made me trust him less and less and no matter how hard he tried he would still slip up. But at the core of it he had no malice he was just a scared little boy. Men also tend to process slower than women do in arguments women can rapid fire questions and come up with answers in seconds most men feel totally outmatched and I understand that you want to be so perfect and make her happy so you are trying. But if you need a second or a day it’s okay to say that just keep your word. So in the moment I recommend this to people testifying thr first time in court, repeat her question. That slows things down makes you really think about what she is asking and it buys you time. If you need more time ask but if you promise to discuss it tomorrow Keto your word.

When a SO finds out about the addiction and betrayal we are in a whirlwind of anxiety, fear, anger, sadness. We want answers and very often you won’t have them. Many SOs want to know why and when you can’t answer why they come up with reasons and question you. The number one reason is self blame. They don’t think they are pretty enough. In her asking you what she did she was looking for a reason because in her mind she’s trying to rationalize and understand your behavior because she thinks if she knows why you did it she can prevent it but that’s not true of course. You have to realize that SOs feel like they have lost all control and they are trying to regain it. She is petrified you will hurt her again.

You have been dealing with this for years and to get it’s all new. Definitely counseling together and apart. Absolute honesty and doing nice things. Being patient with her being understanding. She’s going to be angry for a long time. Allow her to talk about it as much as she wants. I know it hurts you but you need to listen to her.

 

You just described the cause of my pain in 52 words.

 

Would she be open to both of you seeking out counseling? Separate and together? It sounds like you both really love each other but need a professional to help the two of you communicate your feelings and needs better and wade through the emotions of this addiction.

 

Ah, I'm so sorry. Girls have to put up with so much in this world, and it isn't fair. Here's the thing: you're perfect just the way you are. All girls are. Men are the issue here, not women. I think most men here will agree with this (and if I'm wrong, please correct me) seeing as all of these issues we are facing are caused by men being manipulated or doing the manipulating. Selling sex and ideals of beauty for green pieces of paper, unaware of the damage it is causing to people they will never meet, nor care about.
As a teacher, I have taken to telling the kids I work with in particular that they are special exactly how they are. Especially the girls who will have it harder later on in life (black women in particular are seen to be the lowest on the "attractiveness" scale). It's important that kids learn these things from people they look up to and respect. It's the only way we can rescue them from what this world has become.

 

Love letters are amazing and powerful.

Investing in heartfelt letters was rewarding for me, personally. And, leaving my wife a legacy of letters created a stronger connection with my soulmate. My expressions of love in tangible form bind her to me. Restated, perhaps this helps:

Give her something to look at that assures her you are looking at her,
...and that she is what you were always looking for, forever.

 

Wow. I couldn't have said this better myself. I'm SO of a PA and I'm new to all this and thought I was just crazy and mentally unstable. You said this perfectly and I will have to share to hopefully explain accurately what my thought process is.

 

My husband writes me a letter, in a notebook, every single day. He's done it daily since January 1. It does help me and he says it gets him focused for the day, since he does it in the morning. We both really enjoy it.

 

We have a special app... For flirting.
We talk kids and business and daily stuff in a text... But we have Couple app
And it's got cute pictures of Just us no kids, no friends, and we did special ring tones aand can draw messages to each other. So to be sweet we use this. Sometimes we flirt and text and just switch back and forth between the two and it's sort of confusing but it's important to keep life from intimacy.
Keep you in a love bubble

 

Although, I Love this
I want to like it 50x