Damage

I love this too!

 

My hubby and I have decided on a new anniversary tradition instead of gifts we write each other a love letter. This year we also made it a commitment letters as well.

 

That's very cool! And free, and probably means more than any gift!

 

Yes to meaning more than a store gift and im very sentimental. After 18 years I never knew he was such a poet so I also learned something new about him too.

 

Amazing!
Hearts!!!!

 

This is the best thing I've read and honestly the most romantic sweetest thing! I want to pitch this to my husband now... haha

 

I write my wife love poems. She appreciates and enjoys them but it is only now that I realise the conflicted messages I was - until recently - sending.

My right hand was writing love poems while my left hand...well, you know.

How psychologically messed up is that?

The right hand and right hand must send the same positive message. If they don't it is all - at best - pointless. And at worst, significantly damages a marriage and relationship.

 

I have the most beautifully written cards from my SO before huge DDAY #2 , in some of them from after the first big DDAY
( a decade in btwn ) it talks of no regrets in our beautiful life together and then he would write ( except that !) and how he would change anything give up anything for me . My cards over the last year mirror that with a lot of the same things in it , but now true . I have a hard time because for a decade I now read them all as lies . All the content in them . I know that’s not the case , but that’s the damage the PA has done . I guess my cards now I read differently . And have a hard time believing his written word . Make sense ?

 

Yes it does make sense Qnb42078. It is hard to see the consequences from the other side of the PMO divide though.

I did and still do love my wife and meant every confused, poetic word at the time. But - even as a wife who knew about and technically agreed to my fapping habits - it would take a remarkable level of belief suspension for her to internally accept the poems I sent.

What kept her from raising my raging hypocrisy was - I think - her misplaced sense of responsibility for our celibate marriage.

But I now know that I bear a major share of responsibility for our celibacy and I will do all I can to show she now has my loyal and undivided attention. Not for the sake of sex but the sake of her and of our relationship. But I accept it will take a long time to work this all out.

The only thing I would add in response is to ask - if possible - that you eventually let go of your sense of pain and betrayal when the time is right. He needs to make a new start and - for your sake - you will eventually need to do the same. But do forgive me if that isn't an appropriate message right now.

 

Zero offense taken . A year in , last month we had a major breakthrough, he was being the Heal fast kinda guy . He really gets it , and as do I the work I have to do if I want our 22 year relationship to LAST long term .

 

I wish you both the very best and have a good feeling you will achieve your goal.

 

I would try writing a letter to your spouse and taking the time to really think about your response. Write it now.

Talking about this stuff can go bad very easily and very quickly. Women are thinking about one set of problems and men are thinking about a totally different set. Talking about it can be recipe for disaster when one spouse is very angry and focused on different things.

Write a clear letter. Make it as long as you need it to be. But get your thoughts together so she can clearly understand you and not unintentionally misrepresent, misinterpret, or spin what you actually think.

 

Wow i am shocked at how similar the @Batboy123 has made me feel.

love the letter idea
or emails or something llike that.
that way she can read and not have a knee jerk reaction

 

@Batboy123 read this