Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

@Numb @GhostWriter I agree with both of you. I guess I just wanted to earn his attention more but with good intentions, not showing off here but I really don't want him to do anything that can destroy his marriage for good. But I should earn that with my words not by my title.... point taken! I'll take that part off!

 

It won't be easy. But damage is done already, he already cheated and no matter what he do, he will never be able to change that fact. If he change and was able to quit this for good, time will help him heal. Telling his wife is idealistic but not realistic or practical.... It can possibly destroy his marriage and maybe his entire life. He is already regretting what he's doing and he is asking for help because he wants to quit. That should be the focus. Most of us here are not happy with the part of being fappers/sex addicts and I doubt any of us want the world know about anything of it and will proudly mention it in his resume. And you guys are asking him to mention it to his wife because it is right.

I'm not right and never claimed I was. That was my advice to him. You @TryingHard2Change see things different and don't agree with me. Fair enough!

 

This line sounds like you recognize the truth: that the RIGHT thing to do / the MORAL thing to do / the PROPER thing to do is to tell his wife.

No, no, no .. see, @zicozoma7 destroyed his own marriage when he got addicted to porn and went to see escorts over and over. Don't blame the truth-telling he should do on destroying marriage--that's a bit much and giving him a pass that he doesn't deserve.

..

I am curious doctor, what other addictions do you recommend that the addict hide from their spouse? Drug addiction? Alcoholism? What about gambling and losing all the family's money---as long as the wife doesn't find out, he should keep it hidden right?

Oh, I've got a good one => what if the sex addict is molesting the children? He should just STOP that horrible addiction and never tell his wife..right? Oh wait, no .. in that instance he has actively HURT other people--the children--therefore there is no way the good doctor could support keeping that horrible act hidden until the grave.

What you don't understand is @zicozoma7 has already severely hurt his wife -- maybe not on the same scale as sexually molesting kids -- but @zicozoma7 has done damage to his wife .. and your advice to him to keep it a secret until death is only hurting his wife even more.

 

Dude, you crack me up ... not in a funny way though -- in a way that I really, truly feel bad for you. Are you seriously comparing EATING FOOD or BUYING A COFFEE and not telling your spouse .. with SEEING ESCORTS and not telling your spouse? Really??

So breaking your sacred wedding vows, to be sexually committed to only your wife .. and buying an overpriced Starbucks --- both acts are the same and not telling your spouse is the same exact thing.

..

Listen, you are going to do what you are going to do -- which is to keep secrets from your wife and to lie to her (by withholding your dark side) .. because you don't want to lose her. I get it. No one is going to change your mind. Hey, maybe your wife is just like you ... and has all sorts of affairs that you would rather not know about (which I'm 100% sure you would agree with). So live you happy, fake life. More power to you.

 

I'm an so and I think you should man up and tell your wife. I spent years in the dark and now all those happy memories feel fake. But I would still wanna know. it makes you truly accountable and having those frank conversations can help the recovery process and keep you on track.
Your using not telling her as an excuse that she won't be happy. But truthly it's just you trying not to own up and take responsibility. You will fail your NoFap journey because honest is the main recovery tool. Keeping it a secret gives it power over you and it gives you means to slip back into it without true responsibly for it.
You may not agree with it but I'm a woman and and SO and a mother and I know i would wanna know and if you pose that question to the women here they would agree to tell.
Your taking the choices away from your wife.

You keep saying everyone's getting off topic for the thread that it's about how to change and cope how to deal with urges and recovery. But honesty is the most important factor of recovery that's why people keep bringing it up cos that is the key. And facing it and overcoming it is the way you will succeed.

I really hope you do succeed for you and her. Try kerezza as a bonding tool for you and your wife it'll teach you to give in sex and not just take and it'll bring you closer and it's still satisfying.

Good luck sorry if you think we ganging up on you and your opinion but truthally we are all just trying to help you.

 

Omission is lying... so you're lying. I have an entire book on lying i can give you all the definitions. maybe ill post them later today...

 

1 - Your wife knows you use webcams and is OK with it?

2 - Lying by omission is still lying.

3 - How would you feel if your wife was seeing male escorts and you didn't know?

 

As for your original questions, here are some links for rebooting, I'd follow these guidelines. And honestly something that helped my husband was a book on mindfulness as well to keep him thinking in the moment and not on P or ogling.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain
and
https://www.nofap.com/rebooting/

 

Oh, there's a big difference!

The purpose behind not telling her about escorts is to avoid breaking her heart and hurting her so deeply to the point that she might not recover from it. Many women simply don't understand how sex addiction works and might feel completely devastated and betrayed knowing her husband has been hiring prostitutes behind her back. It can traumatize her and make her lose complete trust in her husband and even men in general.

Gambling or alcohol is something most women can understand and will be willing to work together to help their partners overcome it. It will disappoint her and hurt her, but nowhere near as much as imagining her husband giving oral sex to a prostitute and then coming home to kiss her.

 

MIGHT?!?!?!?

IT SHOULD!!

 

Exactly.

That's why telling her about it can be a very bad idea.

There's no need to hurt her even more than he's already doing.

The assumption that the only way to recover is by telling her everything is simply false. He can seek help and work on himself while protecting her wife's heart in the process.

Or he can tell her that he's addicted to porn without going into details.

The point of telling her about it is so that they can work together on the addiction and she can be supportive and understanding.

She doesn't need to know the type of porn he watches or if he has visited a prostitute in the past. This isn't going to do any good to any of them. It's just going to crush her soul.

I get it, honesty is important. But you don't go to your husband and say "Hey honey, I just want to tell you I saw a very hot guy on the supermarket today and I fantasized about having sex with him". Why would you do that? How is that "honesty" accomplishing anything? It's just simply going to make your partner feel bad and insecure.

 

Yeah..honesty is important; a person's wedding vows are important; you cannot be in a healthy marriage taking the fact that you visited escorts to your grave. It's as simple as that.

 

[QUOTE="The Strategist, post: 1494737,

She doesn't need to know the type of porn he watches or if he has visited a prostitute in the past. This isn't going to do any good to any of them. It's just going to crush her soul.

I get it, honesty is important. But you don't go to your husband and say "Hey honey, I just want to tell you I saw a very hot guy on the supermarket today and I fantasized about having sex with him". Why would you do that? How is that "honesty" accomplishing anything? It's just simply going to make your partner feel bad and insecure.[/QUOTE]


I asked exactly that of my husband to tell me those things all.of them.

 

Actually, I would if that happened and yes I would want my husband to tell me, too.

 

I do that with my husband, if I see someone attractive, I'll let him know. Just being honest because I expect that of him, so I offer it as well because that's fair.

First, in a normal relationship without porn and sex addiction, if one partner is fantasizing about sex with someone else, and let's say the frequency increases... by communicating that to your partner, they can see an increase in that fantasy and thus... maybe there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed, and thus they can address it. If there was no communication, and the person who is not fantasizing one day gets hit with "I want to break up" from their other partner... they are going to be SO confused. But if there is communication, people can catch "problems" before they become Problems.

I guess for me, it's like a red flag being waved in the air letting the other person know, "Hey something isn't quite right here, let's figure it out together"

 

I respect that.

I disagree with the idea that every relationship should be like that.

There's plenty of healthy relationships around that don't involve people confessing to their partners every single thought that goes through their heads.

Take journals or diaries for example. There's a reason they're supposed to be private. We're human beings. We have all kinds of different thoughts every day. We have doubts, desires, worries. That's just normal and part of being human.

We can't go through life feeling guilty about every single thought we have to the point that we need to tell our partners about it. As long as we love them and our intentions are good, there's no need to do that.

 

In healthy relationships you are probably right. But here we are dealing with PA/SA, there is a big distinction there.