Wich porn did he watch?!!

I agree with what GhostWrite said. Don’t let curiosity get the better of you. I know it’s tempting to wanna find out. But what happens when you do find out? What if it’s something you cant/never would consider doing. It’s just gonna make the problem worse.

Also just because he watched a certain porn genre. It doesn’t mean he actually likes it. I watched plenty of porn I didn’t actually like because my brain just needed that bigger dopamine fix.

 

How long has it been since he stopped? He may tell you when he's ready. @GhostWriter is right, whatever he tells you or whatever you find out, remember not to judge too harshly; in the moment, the addicted pmo brain does whatever it can to get him hard, even if he's not necessarily attracted to the image but simply reacting to it's "taboo" nature.

Also, in my experience, i've found that I've watched porn that wasn't necessarily what I was looking for, but its slightly similar, and because there is a disproportionate number of porn of that kind on the internet, I would just settle with it instead of fighting the frustrating battle of trying to seek out what I was really in the mood for. I may use my imagination to fill in the gaps, or if I'm feeling lazy, I'd just settle for what I was shown.

As an attempt to find an example whilst refraining from revealing too many details about my porn habits: I've clicked on videos marked "humiliation" before, which might imply that I'm sexually attracted to being humiliated by a girl. But honestly, the humiliation part wasn't even why I was clicking, it was just because the girl was hot and it usually guarantees that she'll be looking straight at the camera and paying attention, and from the thumbnail I know its 1st person pov and there won't be another guy in the video. I'll usually just turn down the volume so that i can't actually hear what she's saying. There's loads of other examples of this, even examples where I actually became a fan of what was being shown simply because I was settling for what's available. It's likely your husband is a little embarrassed by what he watched, and I'm just trying to demonstrate that, when all self-control is out the door, you can get wrapped into many genres you thought you'd never go, and it doesn't mecessarily mean anything other than that you were just addicted, and searching desperately for that release.

 

While working on formal disclosure with a CSAT many years ago, I was encouraged to discuss "categories" of activities. I do think you have a right to know this and that it is important to know but not the open-ended way you are asking "What porn did you watch". It is important to know things like "was it violent in nature", "was it illegal" (that one is very important).

But really you're not going to find that out by watching it with him. Whatever you see you will see from the perspective of the traumatized one and it will not at all match what he saw as the addicted one. Plus, you're actually asking him to violate and compromise his sobriety by watching it together. That's really unfair and, actually I might add, selfish. You're asking an alcoholic to go to the bar and drink with you so you can see how he used to get drunk. He should flatly and rightfully refuse that request.

What I recommend: therapy for you. You are internalizing this. That's normal. The peril is that you are looking for more ways to internalize this (this is called "pain shopping").

Peace,
-Quinn

 

I think you have every right to know. Be warned, it can and most likely will be painful. My husband was strictly vanilla, but there were certain things/categories within his vanilla watching that are extremely painful for me and hard to come to terms with. I think it is so hard because I found everything... even things prior to me meeting him, I found what he saved/saw.... the things prior to me actually were some of the most painful. So please do not try to go watch porn to figure out what he saw. It will only hurt you.... I am saying this from the fact that I had to dig to get the truth and I have panic/PTSD attacks where the images of what my husband saw/searched flash in my head, randomly sometimes, and I break down.

I think if he is going to work on a relationship with you, then he should tell you categories. But do know that what he watched doesn't mean that's what he wants in real life. It's soooo hard to integrate that as an SO, but it's true, not everything a PA looked at was what they wanted/like in real life. Sometimes there is a curiosity factor and then they never look at that again because it freaked them out.

 

Ask yourself deeply, of it is just your curiosity or your itch for asking, then you should not do that as that may act as a trigger to him.

While many so here may have some extent of insecurity and distrust to their partner due to some heavy porn use, only you would know how you feel about your partner. You don't need to demand everything from your so because that is demanding and disrespectful in a way imo. There should be some level of trust in relationship and when he feels comfortable he will tell you if he needs you to know. I personally would hate it if I am being treated like a child by a mother to need to tell every single thing in detail by my partner. My partner should also respect my feeling given my intension in innocent and honest. Overall, if you believe he really quitted then good, there is no need to know more for his recovery. If he is lying you suspected, then you should confront him because that can damage trust. How you can gauage his honesty can be from his daily life behavior or his porn addiction habit from the past ( heavy vs casual vs light)

 

A little joke..

He likely does not remember what he watched : ))

 

I agree that you have every right to know what he looked at. My wife also wanted to know what I looked at...at first. With out really talking about it to much she seemed to decide that it didn't matter what I watched it was a betrayal either way. And as it has been said before it was not necessarily what I wanted to watch but just what gave me the reaction I needed to feed my addiction. I did not use volume and generally did not use search engines. I believe you should ask yourself a question before continuing to pursue these answers. Is there something specific that you think he was looking at and if you found out he was viewing it would it effect your decision to stay? It is impossible not to take this all personally so the way I see it is finding out what he was looking at is only going to cause more problems. It is of course still your right to know but there is a good chance thongs will only become more difficult to overcome. This is not going to be easy regardless but those are my two cents on the matter. I hope it helps.

 

THIS!!!

First let me say, you should dig deep and really answer the difficult question: "WHY do I need to know what porn my PA watched?"

If it is related to the quote above...maybe turn it on its head: decide what genres of porn you could not live with--then ask your PA if he watched that. If he is unwillingly to answer...then you have a hard decision to make.

..

Knowing what genres of porn will almost certainly influence your impression of him -- and likely put your mind into a tailspin (possibly forever).

[Possible Trigger?]
Take for example anal sex. Let's say he discloses that he watched those videos...he admits that enjoyed watching those videos. Is that going to put a little idea in your head that he wants anal sex with you / that he would be disappointed if you never gave it to him?

You get the point...what is the positive value for you to know the details or the genres of what porn he watched?

I agree..if the SO absolutely must know--the PA should reveal. Just go into It understanding why you want to know and really feeling like you HAVE to know...because there is a real downside to know.

 

Man I must be very vanilla. Anything that is remotely disturbing or seems painful, I don't even take a glance at it. What my comment said earlier is strictly for non taboo stuff. If it's something very mess up, consulting is needed and some may warrant a disclosure so the so can help the PA to recover imo.

 

You have every right to know. It is no one's business why. You are his wife and he has lied to you your entire marriage. If you want to know, you deserve to know. We SOs have different reasons for wanting/needing to know and it is not for anyone else to question.

I know everything my husband looked at for 20+ years marriage. Not every single picture or video, of course, but the genre and sites and the names of his favorites. Did he tell me? No. But I didnt ask either. I found everything on my own. He never would have told me. He wouldn't have remembered half of it. But Ibam very techy, I can find just about anythingn when i actually look for it. For so many years I was oblivious to what he was doing that I never felt the need to look. Some things he had saved in his bookmarksn even though he deleted his history. Now how easy is that to find? I just never looked. Once I realized what was going on, then I put on my techy hat. Other things besides the bookmarks took a lot more work to find.

As @AnonymousAnnaXOXO said, if you go digging, or you ask him to share, be very, very sure you do want to know. It could change a lot. For me, I had to know. I had to know who this man was that I married. I needed every secret out, whether he was the one to tell me or not. I needed every single card on the table to figure out what I was going to do next. Until his double life was completely exposed in every way, I did not feel that true healing for us could ever come. Otherwise, we were still separated by secrets and lies.

Dont let anyone tell you that you are wrong for wanting to know or that you shouldn't be asking. You do what you gotta do, just prepare yourself and know yourself and what you can handle before you make that jump. Once you go there, you can't go back.

 

Having a right to know does not mean it's sensible to find out.

I don't think this kind of "closure" is ever really possible anyway. It's just a question of when you realise is the time to let it go. I think it's wiser to leave it at categories, and put it behind you both. Yes *I know* that's hard.

 

I really think that you really don't actually want to know. You might think you do, but you don't. I think it will probably hurt you more than you already have been. If you watch the stuff he's watched, it CANNOT be unseen. You also won't have the same dopamine driven addiction, so you will be seeing it differently than he did at the time. If you think he has actually stopped and is working on his reboot, that should be good enough for you.

Now like AnonymousAnnaXOXO said, it could give you PTSD, and you DON'T want that, speaking as someone with PTSD.

 

If you don't know... How can you know when he's truly done with it and it's truly over and your healing can truly begin?

 

Has this happened yet for you and your PA @hope4healing?

 

So sorry to hear that.