Why do I keep hurting her without her knowledge?

I'm engaged to a beautiful woman. We've been together for quite some time now and she's the one I've been waiting for all my life. Funny, caring, family oriented, beautiful, and giving. When we first started dating, I abstained from PM for more than 3 months, and it seemed so easy. However, one week she had to go away on a business trip, and the thoughts started lurking and I gave in, hesitantly, but either way, I gave in. Ever since that time, I've been struggling. I can't go more than 3-5 days without looking at porn. I feel like I am emotionally cheating on her without her knowledge, and how devastated she'd be if she knew that I was doing what I was doing. Our sex life is wonderful, but my libido is a bit higher than hers, which isn't an excuse. I'm just lost now, and I have no idea how to get back up on the horse and start again. I have extra curricular activities that I take part in. Maybe it's time to start diving into those again. Softball, hockey, pool league. Any suggestions and inspiration are welcome.

 

Anna,

Thank you so much for your response. The thing that scares me the most is losing her. The possibility that she wouldn't understand and feel devastated, betrayed.
I'm being selfish if I don't tell her, but that bad thought that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?" keeps popping into my head.
One thing that is constantly eating at me is the fact that I choose to do it. I have so many other outlets at my disposal that I choose not to use, and honestly it's pure laziness that I don't utilize them. Guitar/working out/video games/singing.

I do believe that being honest with myself and with her is the first step to becoming clean again. The possibility that she wouldn't understand and feel betrayed is something that I would have to live with in telling her, because if that's how she reacts, then that is her right. And if I don't tell her just so I can save myself from having her look at me differently, then it's selfishness.
Plus, if my first reaction is that she wouldn't understand, i'm not putting much trust in her am I? I'm writing it off before I even give her a chance to react and possibly UNDERSTAND/HELP me instead of blowing me off and ending it all.

I'm going to provide a bit more background:
One thing that I didn't mention (and this is a touchy issue for me) but feel is necessary, and could possibly contribute to my addiction, is that from 7-8 years old, I was sexually abused by a next door neighbor, who was 15 when it started and 16 when it ended. Could that be some underlying factor? I've gone to therapy numerous times and have been on so many types of medications, that it's not even funny. The one release for me had been porn. Does being exposed to something like that so young, re-wire ones brain?

Another thing to note- I was always single. Afraid of commitment/girls. Almost always anyway. I didn't lose my virginity until 23 years old, and hadn't dated in HS/College that much. I wasn't very popular and I didn't have much going for me except my hockey career, which ended due to a broken back in High School which shattered my pending scholarship and potential for a career in pro hockey. When that all happened, I hit rock bottom and isolated myself. My only release was PMO.

Now you may look at all of these as excuses, but I look at them as contributing factors to an ongoing struggle. But the result all comes down to the same thing: A change needs to be made, not only for me, but for my Fiancee as well. She deserves it so much more than I do. She is a patient, loving, and kind soul and deserves someone who loves her for her and will contribute everything they have into her well-being. I need to stop looking at this as a chore, and look at it for what it is: A war. A war that I must win. If I don't win, only harm and deceit will come from it.
I agree with everything you've said. I do not want to start our marriage off with lies and deceit. I want to be clean and have her realize that I was the man she agreed to marry.

Thank you for your kind words and thank God I found this place before it was too late. Please wish me luck. I know I'm not the only one going through these struggles.
God bless everyone going through this difficulty in their life.

 

I completely understand. And yes I do believe that is definitely my addiction talking. My fiancee actually has no idea that i have this issue. It probably doesn't help that I've kept her in denial for so long by telling her that I don't watch Porn. That's why i'm so afraid to tell her, because of how mad she'll get for me lying to her for so long about it. But in reality, she'll probably feel more relieved knowing. She's been wondering why over the course of the past 5 months or so that I've been having random mood swings, and being more secretive. I've been placing the guilt that I have towards this whole situation and my addiction and have been taking it out on her. She's been the most patient person in the world. Each time i'm feeling down, she asks what's wrong, and I come up with a new excuse. She has no idea what i'm truly struggling with.

I completely understand about the video games. It's already basically triggering your addiction. Half of the supplies you need are already in front of you. A computer and the internet.
Guitar however, is something I thoroughly enjoy, and have put on the back burner because of this addiction, and it's truly a sad ordeal. Maybe by focusing my mind in a truly creative manner, I can put the addictive thoughts at bay, and keep my mind engaged into something that truly matters.

I definitely agree that lies enable addiction. It basically tricks your mind into thinking you don't have a real problem when you do. It places your mind into denial.

Abuse definitely hurt me in a way that I can never get back. However, there comes a time where one needs to stop feeding the addiction and feeling sorry for ones self.

I thank you for your ideas and support. This is going to be a hard journey, but it definitely needs to be done to better one's state of mind and relationship not only with them self, but with the person they are choosing to spend their life with.

 

Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement. I do believe that being rigorously honest with her is the best course of action. I believe owning it all. If i own only "some" and not all, then that will just give the addiction a spot in the mix. Allow it to seem more minuscule than it actually is.

We live together, and both have the same work schedule, but her parents are down the street, and mine are too, so if she needs space than maybe some time to accept and process things would be for the best. I have a question though, which could effect the outcome of the next week or so. We are currently scheduled to go to the Outer Banks, NC with her family for vacation for the next week. We would be rooming together and sleeping in the same bed. Would it be wise to wait until AFTER we get back? Or should I just lay the cards out on the table now before we go? Depending on how she reacts, there may be no vacation...at least for me anyway.

@Zyn - I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like it too much. She has expressed her dislike of pornography in the past. We've had several conversations about the topic, but the end result was always the same. She did tell me that, in the past, she used to Masturbate and watch porn, but with me, she doesn't feel the need to. She says I fulfill all of her urges and the only reason she did it in the past was because she was either single or in a relationship where her partner did not satisfy her. But she insists that with me, I give her everything she needs. This is what I'm afraid of. If I tell her that I'm addicted to P, she would feel that my urges are not met by her and she would then take it as a hit on her.

I do believe in this situation, since I've been going through this for upwards of 4 years, fighting this addiction that is, the best course of action would be to lay the cards out on the table for her and let her know just how badly this is effecting not only me personally, but why my attitude has been so shifty the past few months.

I could be overthinking all of this, and she may understand completely, but I will never know if i keep hiding it from her. I feel there is a weight on my shoulders and I won't feel lighter until I let her in.

 

I completely understand. All I can do is prepared to face the questions that she will have for me. Time and space most likely will be something that comes of this situation, as she is a very tender person, and often thinks down of herself when it comes to her looks and sexuality. She doesn't see herself for the beautiful person she really is. This came from a terrible, previous relationship where she was physically and emotionally abused. That is one reason that this is going to be so much harder. My worst fear is that she has flashbacks of her previous relationship and just breaks down, but me keeping up this habit and lying is so much worse in the long run. There is a major difference here though. I am completely ready to do anything I can to make sure that she knows I'm ready to repair the relationship and be there for her and her alone.

@Zyn Thank you for the kind words as well. Our relationship is very precious to me and I can't imagine a life without her in it.

I have started taking @AnonymousAnnaXOXO advice and constructed a letter. I feel this is more my tempo because I happen to be a very emotional person, and can easily become frustrated if I can't say the right words. She loves that I can be so open with her and that I'm not afraid to cry when I'm upset, but I feel I wouldn't be able to stop crying if her reaction was negative, so the letter is the route.

Thank you all once again so much for giving advice and telling me your views. It really is amazing at how long you can go on doing something without realizing just how much you're hurting yourself and your loved ones.

 

That's a good point. I actually went to the doctors this morning and looked for a good reference. My doctor provided me with a referral of a good therapist who specializes in this field. The doctor also offered me an option to go on some anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication, because he felt that a big part of this was stemming from my past, thus causing a potential imbalance in my brain chemistry, but I politely declined. This isn't just something that you can get rid of with medication, it's a long term battle in which I must come to terms with and face.

@Third_Eye You also have a very good point too. I believe I will reach out to find an AP. I have a very close friend who's marriage almost went to shambles after his wife found out he was a PA. He has been clean for over a year and a half. Through therapy and marriage counseling. However, I do not want to reach the point where I need to fix my marriage before it even begins which is why it is time to tackle it now, and I believe the best course is to find someone who has had these urges for a long long time. He is aware of my past and is one of my best and closest friends since that time in my life.

@batraquio I also can understand your views, and I respect them. For the longest time I thought keeping this to myself was for the best, but in actuality, at least for me since everyone is different, it was giving the addiction power. Refusing to mention it basically meant, to me, that it didn't exist, so why try to "better" myself when there wasn't anything about me that needed fixed? I did vow one thing though. I vowed to myself, to try my damnedest to work on myself and confront the problem head on before I bring my other half into this. If I seek help, get an AP, and focus on the small victories, I believe when it comes time to tell her, she will see the strides I have taken to better myself and respect her. That's not to say that there still won't be a blow to her, because chances are, there will be. This may lessen the blow if she sees that I'm doing everything in my power to better my life not only for me, but for her too. The biggest problem she may have, is the long period of time I spent lying to her, which I'm ready to face because I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

I see what you mean about placing a burden on her as well, but the way I see it, since she truly loves me, this won't be something (hopefully) that will completely ruin our relationship. I believe since she loves me, she will be pleased, in the long run, that I came to her about this, and that she can help me along the way. I know what you mean when we reach a point in our lives where there may not be anyone there to help us make our bed, but if there is, and they love us, they would do anything that they can to understand and make sure that they get you the help you need and deserve, which in turn, will strengthen the relationship. Especially if you make enormous strides to do so.

 

Hi LesPauline! It's refreshing to hear that my situation is helping you come to terms as well. I just want you to know that you're not alone in this.
I meant to update this thread on Friday night, but I was busy packing with my vacation. Just a short story:

While I was packing on friday night, I just couldn't take the guilt anymore. My fiancee noticed something was wrong with me, and continuously asked me if I was okay. I denied that i wasn't okay the first few times. But she didn't seem to believe me because obviously I wasn't okay. Finally, I ditched the idea for the letter that I was writing, and just asked her to stop packing and if we could talk. I broke down and told her absolutely everything. At first she played it off with a laugh and didn't seem to think that it was an issue, but then I continued to talk to her about it and explained just how often/much I did it and how it was making me feel. She then became intrigued. Started asking me questions about why, what kinds of P, what made me start, and if it had anything to do with our sex lives being boring. I truthfully answered each question and gave her every detail she asked for. After I was done explaining, I thought she was going to break down and start crying, (Especially since she has complex issues with her appearance). Honestly, the exact opposite happened. During the whole thing, I was crying and showed so much regret. I think she picked up on just how much it hurt me that I was hurting her. I told her that I was doing NoFap and that I wanted to get my life straight. She looked at me with the most forgiving smile on her face and said "Darling, I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. It is going to be okay, I promise. We have each other, and I will do whatever I can to help you along the way. I am so proud that you came to me with this and it makes me feel so much closer to you that you can be this honest with me. I can tell that something had been bothering you the past few months, and now that I know it's this, we can work together to make it all go away."

So in actuality, telling her was the best thing that I've ever done. Since then, we've both felt so much closer to her, and I feel that I have a new found respect not only for her, but for our relationship as well. I feel as though I can now conquer this war with her by my side every step of the way, since now I can open up to her when feeling stressed. I have an accountability partner, and I'm proud to say, it's my Fiancee.

So in short, @LesPauline you can do this. Face your fears. It will all work itself out in the end. I can't say your story will have the same result, but honestly, if you don't tell him, it will continue to eat at you day by day, and only give more power to your addiction. I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders, and I can take on the world right now. Not to say that I have this beat, because I have a long and stressful journey, but I just won a small battle in an ongoing war. Focus on the small victories, for they are the ones that count the most. Either way, you will feel much better. Please do not be afraid to reach out. The most important thing is to have a plan in place for yourself to start working on the P addiction, and in time you can begin to repair everything. Actions speak louder than words do. Showing him first that you are willing to conquer it may cause his reaction to be much better.

We're here for you.