To those who don't use a filter ... respectfully, WTF

This made me think. I came to NF to be free, not to be sober. There's nothing wrong with sobriety, or having that as a goal. Sobriety supports freedom.

We have many tools available to us:

• CSATs and other therapists
• Blockers
• Accountability
• Podcasts about addiction, porn, science, etc
• Exercise and diet
• Cold showers
• Tapping into philosophical and religious wisdom traditions - Stoicism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, and many more
• Meditation and developing self-awareness
• Cutting back or eliminating alcohol
• Cutting back or eliminating television, movies, and gaming

Meditation and Buddhist philosophy were absolutely critical to my recovery. In my opinion, a recovery that doesn't incorporate meditation is doomed. But that's just my opinion. There are others who think recovery is impossible without a CSAT, or blockers, or religious faith. That's their opinion. I didn't see a CSAT or use a blocker. No doubt many people have recovered without using meditation.

Let's make people aware of all the tools available, and encourage them find what works for them, because different tools work for different people.

-EK

 

I had Covenant Eyes, it worked really well. I could go a few weeks... Just needing to pause or delete it was enough to stop me in my tracks and realise what I was doing. It helped.

BUT, it blocked some sites that I needed for work, every time that I would take it down, I would certainly end up relapsing. As mentioned above, it can help to kickstart the habit, getting used to life without P, but trust me, the second it isn't there you will go for it. You likely haven't developed the discipline to avoid it.

There is a place for filters, but not for everyone and not forever. Right now, I'm on day 41 with no filters. Feeling stronger than ever as I have developed heathy habits and discipline/willpower to fight the urges.

 

Some people feel using a blocker is cheating

 

Yea I find the whole no filter thing a bit odd for an addict to not use especially if they’ve tried everything like you say! Is there maybe a part of that person that doesn’t want to end it completely and just be able to manage watching less or less extreme stuff. There’s a part of me that’s left one vanilla massage parlour website unlocked tbh so I can just have a check and something to fall back on. There’s a lot of cognitive distortions/rationalisations that take place in my head with this addiction. And our brain wants to take the path of least resistance. Luckily I’ve had a friend and hypnotist who’s worked with me and know my problems he’s stuck by me for years reapplying locks on my device and the addict part of me will keep finding loop holes and chinks in the armour. But we just keep adding extra blocks and trying again. I’ve just counted and have 58 other search engines than google blocked on my computer. As I was still able to find ways of bringing up blind phone numbers of ts escorts calling them on what’s app and checking if there profile picture was provocative enough to send me over the edge and book. Some of them had left my city weeks before so I’d ask them if they’d screen shot the escorts in my city and send the photo. Luckily a lot of them would tell
me to go away and have been blocked by some as a time waster. It’s like fight club schizophrenia where there a part of me blocking the addict me and would actually be smug when I’d managed to block myself in the moment and another one deranged with tunnel vision. I’ve sat with a girl coming off crak before and she’d message her dealer to flirt and then block him and asked me to look after her. It was so similar. It used to be an insane frenzy id go into trying to get round it the protection an escape in itself. It could go on for hours and would leave me feeling drained. And as if I’d got the cogs in motion and might as well go through with it. My phone was a lot easier to get round and changed the screen time pin and Apple ID loads in the end I played 2 accountability partners off each other saying the other had changed my code so I could go on a legitimate website. A while ago When it got bad I’d buy a cheap laptop or a phone so I could search for esocrts, porn and binge. Then the phone or laptop would be smashed up, dropped in the toilet or thrown in the river. There’s alway a way and sometimes I’d say I’m doing it and that’s it. But knowing how much hassle it is now to mess around for hours trying to get an escorts number match her face and hope it’s in my city became a drag and could land me in some unsafe situations. Also The cost of a new phone etc is a put off or even making that zombified journey to the shop to prepare to act out and have to deal with normal people in that state where I know I’m being a weirdo. Recently I’ve had covenant eyes installed on my phone which has been a game changer and Norton 360 on pc, my accountability partner will get an alert when I start searching blocked sites or ways around. And gives me a telling off. I’m abusing his trust and letting my family down all of the money I’ve wasted. But if I had 24/7 unlimited access I would be in a lot worse position. My moods are so up and down I don’t need the temptation sting there in my pocket ready to take me to hell again when I’m just having a bad day. It’s the longests I’ve gone in years staying away from the trans porn and escorts and I had almost given up fighting it, so definitely well worth blocking stuff.

 

I think it can be counterproductive for some. I tried it for a while and went off track just as much at the time.

It reminded me of PMO when it blocked a site that was actually safe. And it added novelty ironically because I couldn't help but test what level of content I could see with it engaged.

For me I still prefer to do the best I can, which is increasingly less about willpower, and more about processing things like stress in more healthy ways (exercise, journaling, talking it out, even watching a stupid movie to force out some laughs!).

When relapses do happen, it's a lesson that there's more work to do. That's the thing for me. If we're trying to hit that PMO relapse button and blocker software keeps hiding it, the function and lesson of a relapse is pushed down the road.

 

Very good points. And it would be nice in the future to not need blocking software maybe

 

I agree with this. Also, in my personal opinion, this addiction, like all others, cannot be beaten, or even simply fought, without help. And by help, I mean accountability.

 

To be honest I never found blockers or even router filters to be effective, because you know the key and/or password. If your addiction is so bad like mine was chances are you’re hiding it from your partner, even letting them set the password won’t help since you’ll just go looking for it anyways.

The true source of power comes from within, and temporarily it may work but I personally found them useless. I had to overcome it while it was available at my fingertips, because honestly how does one learn if all that’s done is avoiding it? I mean this in the willpower sense, and overcoming temptation slowly.

 

It’s admirable that you manage without them. But my moods are so up and down especially whilst my brain is changing, I work at home next to a computer most days and have a very compulsive personality I’d always be checking which escorts were in town today .. you know just a check I’m not going to do anything… I was told that my behaviours reflected OCD quite a lot. I’d ruminate over old stories and get obsessed about projects or situations and then use compulsive behaviours to try and regulate.

 

On common addictions the healing process consists in gradually getting more and more not used to It, so you always make use of that addiction at the beginning, but lesser and lesser over time. Well, having a relapse later each time Is just the same and helps having less cravings over time.

 

It’s as @kenshin81 said, it needs to be gradual.

If you go in with the expectation of not relapsing whatsoever and put up all these barriers quickly, what’s going to happen? I’m not saying to go out and get booze or open up porn websites, what I’m saying is (especially in the beginning) relying on and going too strong on prevention can backfire.

Your analogy doesn’t work either, because a filter would be akin to putting a lock on your liquor cabinet… which eventually you would open with temptation. You would have to throw all the booze out basically like you say, so with that in mind wouldn’t you also have to throw out all your devices like phones, VR, computers, or really anything internet related? That really doesn’t sound healthy.

I don’t doubt it has helped some people, but I think relying on something like that just breeds false hope and an inflated sense of security, even though it’s as fragile as eggshellls. Change has to come within, and with every relapse and failed attempt, it eventually conditions the brain in a more healthy way as it learns, and it gets used to the idea and mindset of moving past that addiction through trial and error.

Not everyone will see it that way but porn is everywhere, and once that filter comes down it can make everything a whole lot more difficult even if you were doing okay but still really struggling. That’s just my opinion anyways.

 

I'm not using a filter because it's not about locking away the porn as much as it's making the changes so that I don't want to view porn. One must learn to overcome their addiction through real change because the temptation will always be there. Have you ever heard of an alcoholic who drank sterno or rubbing alcohol? It happens to them when they can't get the real thing, but they still haven't found the tools to help them overcome their addiction.

 

Rehab clinics don’t always work, and it really depends on what support is available during that time. In my city we have an epidemic of people using, and our rehab centres don’t have a very high success rate, because the city barely has any mental health facilities or support staff during and after treatment. Just taking something away and waiting won’t likely solve anything, other changes have to follow as well to be effective.

I personally would not want to live with a filter for the rest of my life, and while not wanting to be subjected to say porn is a good thing, I would rather learn and conquer my issues in a more natural and realistic way. The world is getting more overly sexualised and there’s honestly nothing we can do about that aspect, so we can either barricade ourselves from everything, or try to work on ourself along with those triggers instead.

If blockers work for you great, but for many others like myself they were what brought me down before. I learned self control and discipline, since temptation was always at the click of a button which ultimately helped me in the end. I don’t want to end up arguing with you about it though, so hopefully those continue to work out well in the future for you as well.

 

Agree with you. Use filters is a good idea. And yes only when you don’t have control over it..Cause it isn’t a thing that u use to stop viewing porn. It’s just a barrier that protect u from the urge of easy access to porn and give you some time To raise awareness about your goals.
I’m study very about porn addiction and how to stop it. And I need help with this I’m in a loop of relapse by 7-10 days about 1 year ago.
Please HELP ME.

 

I don't think there's a single right answer for everyone. I started my first streak over six years ago and it lasted over 3 years. I've never used filters. I haven't had a streak longer than 60 days for quite a while but I don't think filters are reason. My commitment and faith in staying clean has been the issue.