Telling your SO

how did you find out

- My husband disclosed. 1st the money hoards (which I've since learned is not uncommon with sex addicts), then he disclosed the prostitutes. He was going through a psychologically-unstable time and he just let it all out, like vomiting all over me.

and what were the things that helped

- What helped him? I think it helped that he was hospitalized twice, so, just like drug/alcohol programs, he was not able to access his "drug" for 40ish days. There are inpatient sex addict programs that are 30-60 days and I know many people can't do that, but if it's in your means and you're really struggling with quitting, it could help. My husband didn't go to that kind of program, though. He was in a locked hospital ward. So --- quitting porn, PMO, and seeing prostitutes helped.

I also think it helped him to know I loved him in spite of his problem. He really had no one except me.

- What helps us? FANOS helps, but sometimes we digress into loooong topics and that isn't helpful and I know that is mostly my fault. It's b/c I m still severely hurting and I need properly-trained help (e.g. a therapist who understands betrayal trauma in a marriage).

Cuddling helps.

-What helped me? Learning about the issue as a disease/addiction vs. taking it personally (that I wasn't enough, etc.). Knowing that it's his problem and he crashed our marriage. It wasn't my behavior/choices that caused this. Therapy helps. Self-care helps. Finding a community of others who have been through this helps. Reading about how to help myself helps. Self-care helps. My dog helps. ;-) His eyes are like a deep ocean of unconditional love. Bless his puppy-heart.

and made things harder?

- #4,5,6 from the post/article above - He interrupts me and doesn't always listen. Real listening is listening empathetically not listening to just respond. Empathy is hard for sex addicts. He lacks patience for the process and time it will take for me to heal. And responsibility/ownership --- that one is hard for him. I don't feel he has taken full responsibility for his actions yet.

 

Ooops, forgot --- this is a helpful article (do and don't):

http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/5-things-addicts-shouldnt-say-partners/

 

How did I find out?
My SO told me before we got together that the reason his last relationship broke down was because he was messaging other girls. He said it was his biggest regret and he'd learnt his lesson. He also said he watched a lot of porn and I said I didn't have a problem with it as long as it didn't affect our relationship. Fast forward to six or so months into our relationship and I found sexual messages to a girl on his iPad. I confronted him and he profusely apologised and said he'd never do it again. My doubts never went away after that. Fast forward again to when I was 4 months pregnant with our first child and I found more sexual messages to a work colleague. At that point, he word vomited everything. He'd been messaging a whole tonne of other women sexually, on an almost daily basis. One girl he even went around to her house with the intent of sleeping with her but ran out after kissing her (this has been confirmed by her). He also disclosed he masturbated up to 10 times a day, to the point were he would get sores on his penis.

What did he do right?
From the first day of disclosure, he let me vent all of my feelings and let me ask anything that I needed to know. He always accepted full responsibility and never made anything out to be my fault. He made sure I knew that it wasn't anything to do with me, and that this was all his problem. He immediately accessed counselling, cycling through maybe three or four until he found the right one for him - a sex addiction therapist. He also encouraged me to get help too.

What could he have done better?
The staggered disclosure was painful and heartbreaking. It took months for the full extent of everything to come out. Each time it was another heartbreak and that was really hurtful and unforgettable. I wish he could have been more committed to recovery from the start but I am aware that you can't get better unless you truly want to.

Other things
I am super grateful that we both wanted to try FANOS as it's a daily conversation now. It's truly helpful.
I would like to try Karezza when the time is right too, and he is very open to try this too.

 

This is a very good article. The biggest issue I have with my partner is the defensiveness. There is also the push to get over it quickly, them not understanding why you don't trust them and why are you always on my case I do everything wrong. That last one really minimizes how horrible what they did is!!

 

How did I find out?
I found after I'd finally had enough sexual starts that went nowhere (due to PIED) and 6 years of wondering what was wrong with my marriage, after trying everything I could to make things better. I found out when my husband finally admitted to himself and myself that he had a problem with PMO. And it felt like a ton of bricks. Though I had suspicions that P was involved I had no idea the extent of the problem.

What he did right?
He didn't try to make light of the situation. He respected my boundaries of no physical contact. He gave me time to process the news. He stuck to the boundaries I put forth, so that I could determine whether or not I wanted to continue being married. He sought help(that was part of our deal).

What helped?
These forums, FANOS, non-sexual cuddling, and then eventually attempting and failing at karezza but learning what works for us and being open to change. Reading "Back from Betrayal" by Jennifer Schneider and working through "Intimate Treason" by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi. Also reading together and discussing "A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction" by Paldrom and George Collins. The last book really helped us to talk to one another honestly and helped introduce true intimacy to my husband and how to achieve it.

What I did right?
I'm adding this question b/c as SOs there are so many things we can do wrong. I took time w/ my emotions, all of them: anger, grief, sadness, hopelessness, and so many others. I took time for myself and still do. I stepped away from his recovery and focused on my recovery. I made myself a priority again.

 

Not saying this is "right" for them to feel this way, but it seems like they have KNOWN for so long and then when the secret is out, they feel a weight off their shoulders, and we feel covered in their manure (that's how I felt, at least).

Why don't we trust them? Because TRUST is sacred and they took it away. Trust can be re-built, my my humble opinion is that it will never be exactly like the trust I *used* to have in my husband, before all this crap happened.

 

Almost a month since joining this forum. I have so much more knowledge, insights, hopes, fears. What I thought a month ago keeps changing daily. My BF also joined about 3 weeks ago. He can read my thoughts here and I can read his, although his are scarce and few in between.
Here are my thoughts and observations from our short nofap journey so far:
1. Acknowledge your actions to your partner before, not after they find out.
I found out due to my own investigations and constant asking, nagging. No information is ever voluntary from him, even now, when he knows how important disclosure is. I still don't feel like I know everything. Every time I dig, I find more.

2. Get honest.
That word is foreign to him. He lied to me many times, even when caught red handed. He lies to himself too. 3 weeks into the disclosure, I'm still unsure about the facts. For example the frequency of his PMO magically went from once or twice since we met a year and a half ago, to maybe a few times, to maybe about 10 times, to occasionally but not often, to every few weeks, to only when alone, to every other day or so with some breaks... I am exhausted by this constant trickling disclosure - it's like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. I'm not sure he cares enough about my heart... Seems like he is more interested in protecting his ego.

3. Address the questions that your partner asks you.
Address? If by addressing you mean taking a 30 second pause before uttering a vague reply that consists of more word fillers than actual words. Sort of like this: "Uuuuuum... well, I don't know what to say... I can't really be sure... if you mean that uuuuum... it depends ummmm... it is so hard to answer this question... ummmm aaaaaaa... what can I say..." And this happens every time I ask any question that deals with PMO, his feelings, his thoughts, etc.
And to be sure, when we talk about "normal" stuff, he is confident, loud, and honestly, he can't stop talking.

4. Listen to their feelings, all of them.
He has become quite OK at this, but he still acts as if surprised, if I am upset, angry, sad, confused. As if I were supposed to be happy by default... like I used to be.

5. Be patient.
I think he is more patient with me, but I'm not sure he is as patient with the reboot process. He expects results to be immediate. He gets so easily disappointed with minor setbacks.

6. Take responsibility for your actions.
He does take responsibility, I hope. At least he seems to. Although sometimes he blames the addiction as if it was something separate and outside of himself. He often sulks and plays victim of his circumstances. To me that looks like a distraction from taking the responsibility actually. Him saying "I'm so f***ed up! I don't know what to do!!!" actually stops him from taking action to get better and improve those circumstances.

7. Stay focused on your intention.
Well, I don't know... I pushed him to seek help. I forced the disclosure. I ask him to be honest and open up. I suggest articles and videos and books to him. I check his progress. I bring attention to our relationship all the time... Without me he would focus on his phone/tablet and PMO and avoiding any connection with me :-( I know he now has an intention to quit PMO, but how much of the focus is his???

 

@novibe It's OK. This is a life long commitment to health and healing. The Reboot is just a step. And you have a right to your emotions, so does he.
Here's the thing.
You both have to breathe.
Love isn't a magic glue.
It's not going to get better overnight.
Each day he has to choose sobriety.
Each day you have to choose support.
Don't carry negative emotions from the last day.
Each day is a challenge and a chance for reset.
You both have to be on the same page.
It's going to be a journey for both of you.
You can do it tho.
And yes, honesty is key.

 

Thank you, @Jolie. I agree with you. Since I wrote the above, my mood has improved, and so has his. Instead of two steps forward three steps back, we are now experiencing small steady improvements every day... with an occasional step back. I think a lot of the success is due to FANOS and daily cuddling. I missed him so much!!! I feel like I'm getting to know him from scratch too. It's interesting how, before all this drama of PA hit us, we were unable to communicate effectively... both of us. It's also interesting how without this ordeal we would find all these relationship building practices frankly silly and artificial. I don't find them that way at all nowadays. I'm so grateful to have discovered new tools to actually build connection, openness, honesty, healthy boundaries, better habits, etc., in our relationship, and even beyond it. It's ironic that such events are capable of making us grow above what we believed we were capable of.
Now I will stop with this overly epic writing... I can almost hear some heroic music starting to play in the background

 

Hey, now....
Don't diss a good old spaghetti western theme song. Gotta have those occasionally it gets all of us through the day.
Even if it's just Epically folding the laundry.
(and **high five** to you) be proud of your progress!
If you don't stop to congratulate yourself, it's not worth it.

 

Agree with your statement that it will never be the same the trust. And I understand from reading these forums why there is the push for us to move on quickly and while I can only speak for myself of course I'm not sure that pushing a SO before he or she is ready to forgive is a good idea even if there is an explanation as to why. Either the SO will be pushed away entirely by the addicts effort to push her forward or she or he will push themselves to move forward quicker than they are ready as they too want to move on and don't want the addict in more pain. The problem with the latter is that unresolved anger and grief stick along forever. So while on the surface it may be great to the addict in that she's moved on deep inside it's actually getting a lot worse and will rear it's head later on.

 

Yep --- I keep hearing, "Get over it!!!"

The addict wants understanding and empathy. Yep. I get it.

I also need understanding and empathy.