Have you heard of FANOS?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ILoathePwife, May 19, 2016.

  1. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    If you haven't "met" me here yet, my husband has been addicted to porn for 20 years, longer than he has known me. When he stumbled on this website and we decided to try a 90 day hard mode reboot together, no intentional Os for either of us (it's day 10 for us today), we were hopeful it could help him get rid of porn cravings and unwanted porn images intruding on his thoughts. The other goals were to help him reconnect with his own emotions and reconnect with me, essentially saving our badly battered marriage. Other than the hope of a reboot, we had no clue how to get there.

    Thanks to @ChangeMattersToMe we learned about the benefits of 30 minutes of cuddling daily and @lfromcr mentioned FANOS. Well, in just 10 days my husband have seen wonderful positive changes. We are fighting less, disagreements/crabbiness lasts a shorter time and I feel like we are in that hoped for second honeymoon! More healing and changes do need to happen, but the positive progress is nothing short of miraculous, as far as I am concerned, especially compared to anything else we've tried to save our marriage.

    Since then I'm like a broken record, have you heard of FANOS? Have you tried cuddling for 30 minutes a day? I think every couple, whether they face addiction(s) or not, would benefit from both FANOS and the scheduled nonsexual cuddle time. So I decided to start a thread:

    1. To share what I've learned with others. (And so I can tag people in this post, instead of retyping it, when I mention it again in the future. Because I know I will!)

    2. To hear other people's experiences with using FANOS and the scheduled cuddling.

    Here are the details.

    30 minutes cuddling a day. Learn more about the benefits here http://yourbrainonporn.com/the-lazy-way-to-stay-in-love
    and here. http://yourbrainonporn.com/calling-all-skin-hungry-cuddle-sluts

    FANOS is a daily check in with your spouse to practice emotional intimacy. It's from the Greek word that means to shine or reveal.

    F Feelings--state your feelings, not your thoughts.

    A Affirmation/acknowledge--give your spouse an affirmation--or say thank you for something.

    N Needs--ask for something you need (knowing that sometimes your need will not be fulfilled)

    O Own something you did. Say you are sorry.

    S Sobriety--the addict will check in with his or her spouse about his or her sobriety. If sobriety is no longer an issue, you may each choose something you want to change, ie, habitual TV watching, rage, withdrawal, sarcasm, ect.) for your spiritual growth and check in about your progress with that issue.

    Now I'd like to hear from you, especially if you're part of a couple that has tried FANOS or the scheduled cuddle time. Was it helpful? How often have you been or did you do it? What did you notice that it helped you with?

    I contacted Faithful and True and confirmed that is the source.
    "The FANOS tool is original to Faithful and True and can be found in print in Debbie Laaser's book, "Shattered Vows," page 184." Sherri Trautmann, administrator, Faithful and True.

    The other thing we've done, along with the reboot, FANOS and nonsexual cuddling, is experiment with karezza, which is sex without O.
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  2. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Last edited: May 19, 2016
  3. To give credit where credit is due, @lfromcr mentioned FANOS to you for the first time. Buy still, I'm glad I could inspire you to do the scheduled cuddling. For me, it's not feeling scheduled at all anymore after 30 days.
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  4. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Ah, yes, thank you. I guess I remembered it wrong. I was thinking I should tag @lfromcr when I mentioned FANOS and I guess I should have trusted my instincts!
    lfromcr likes this.
  5. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    It is originally accredited to Debra Laaser, of Faithful and True Ministries and can be found here (just put a "www." on the front of it):


    ALSO, thanks @ChangeMattersToMe, for the shout-out, but it was actually @jfromcr who posted the tool on these forums first :D (pretty proud of that man!!!)
    oversexedsami and slingshot like this.
  6. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    ALSO, I'd like to point out an element that would have really helped @jfromcr and I:

    OWNERSHIP part of F.A.N.O.S.:
    For a long time I misunderstood this part of it, and he and I went for years owning general stuff we had to face. The way the tool is designed is to own something you did or said to your SO.

    I think doing it this way from the start would have caused us to heal even more quickly.


    Here's an explanation with examples; each one covers the following:

    F - Feeling. "I am feeling a little worn out because of my work schedule, and my shoulder hurts. I am also feeling pain and nervousness over the distance between us."
    A - Acknowledge. "I want to thank you for your honesty last week. I know it wasn't easy, but you were my hero!"
    N - Need. "I need you to take out the trash and I need to connect with you again tomorrow."
    O* - Ownership. "I own that I haven't been appreciating all you've been doing around here. I also own that I used the silent treatment against you instead of talking to you when ___. (you will also want to apologize, for some of these)
    S - Sobriety. "I felt a little tempted with that guy at work today. I want to shine a light on this to stay sober, but also to use it as a sign that there may be too much distance between us."

    *Ownership has to do with owning a mistake you made in the relationship--either recently or in the past. ALSO NOTE, this is not the time to bash each other over what they're owning.

    You share and he shares. At first we did the FANOS every day, then later, we'd use it when we felt the distance creeping.

    It's a way to connect in 5 minutes or less on the REAL stuff going on inside us.
    Luz, Calvinklein, sumssense and 2 others like this.
  7. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Thank you! You beat me to it. I actually emailed Faithful and true and did get an email confirmation on that so I will add that to the thread. The additional explanation on ownership is helpful too!

    ClearChrystal likes this.
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Tagging @WeHaveAFuture so she can read the original post about cuddling and FANOS.
    WeHaveAFuture likes this.
  9. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

  10. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

  11. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    Where was this last summer :(
  12. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry. :-(
  13. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

  14. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    God has a plan; it's what's best. Just no guarantee I'll like it.
  15. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Same advice for @Taodude.
  16. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    So true.
  17. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

  18. RisingPhoenix77

    RisingPhoenix77 Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much, very thoughtful of you:)
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  19. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    OldJoe likes this.
  20. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    @Kepha_ read the first post if you are interested in more details about FANOS and daily cuddling.

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