Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

Hi there, @Mj1064! Thanks for reading my journal and your comments. I totally agree with what you said about wanting to know all the facts. I was that way with my husband (@Garnadaan) when he disclosed his PMO to me back in June. It really, really, really hurt knowing every little thing but in the long run it was the best thing for us both and our mutual recovery.

As far as the chemo goes, there are definitely days when I feel like I've been run over by a bus! When I took that picture the flush in my face was from the steroids I have to take. Those make me feel pretty good...sometimes a little too good. They hype me up and energize me, which can lead to a false sense of security. I'm glad your friend is fully recovered; I look forward to being able to say the same! Soon...but not soon enough!

 

Hope everyone had a peaceful holiday (or if you didn't celebrate Christmas, hope you had a fun day off from school/work). Garnadaan and I were flying solo for Christmas this year; it was AWESOME. I'm so glad that my chemo got pushed back a week so I was able to be awake to fully enjoy the holiday! We slept in, stayed in our comfy clothes all day, played video games, and cooked a mini-feast of ham (in the slow cooker, which was delicious), green beans sauteed with bacon, rolls, my family's longtime recipe of JELL-O fruit salad, and apple pie. It was all yummy.....even with my diminished taste buds everything still tasted great!

We both have been sorely needing a low-key, stress-free day given everything that's been going with PMO, the holiday retail season, and everything that goes along with my breast cancer. Christmas this year definitely fulfilled that need. It was great just being together, just the two of us. Lots of affection, cuddling, and the like...for me there were moments that, emotionally speaking, felt like how things were pre-PMO disclosure. Whenever I have a day where I wake up on the scared/paranoid/angry/sad side of the bed I really need to work harder on remembering the good days when we have them. Lately for me the bad days have been outweighing the good ones, and whenever I am in that negative head-space it gets so damned difficult to see the good days and focus on those good times. The thing I hate the most about the days where I get emotionally consumed by negative thoughts and/or I get triggered is that it makes it so hard to look to the future. I get so mired in the moment; I have a difficult time looking forward towards the future. Now, I'm hoping that when a "bad day" crops up for me next time I'll be able to tell myself, "Just think of Christmas." Hopefully that'll help. I know we both still have a long road ahead of us; it's important to make sure that I'm looking in the right direction on that road.

Stay strong, everyone - especially my fellow PMO partners. Hugs to each and every one of you.

 

Thanks for the kind words, @Mj1064. You're definitely right about people being unsure how to react! Typically, the first thing people say to me is, "But you're so young!" I have to bite my lip to keep from saying something overly sarcastic like, "Yeah, ya think?"

Hope things are going well for you and your hubby

 

The past couple of weeks have been really challenging, cancer-wise. After my last chemo infusion I contracted C.Diff, a pretty bad bacterial infection. 10 days of antibiotics knocked it right out, thankfully. I also got the results from my genetic testing this week; I was tested to help assess risk of recurrence. I tested negative for some key genetic mutations that, if I'd tested positive for, would have affected the extent of my surgery. If a positive result came back I'd have opted to have both breasts removed instead of just the single one.

The best news came after my latest mammogram/ultrasound. My oncologist had ordered one to check on the tumor and assess the extent of its reduction. Well, the chemo is certainly working! When I was diagnosed my tumor was 7 cm in size...as of Monday it's shrunk down to 2.6 cm. I cried when I saw the images...all the physical stuff that chemo is putting me through has not been for nothing. Garnadaan and I are over the moon.

Speaking of Garnadaan, he's still going strong on the PMO front. He's gone 219 days PMO-free, no small feat. It hasn't been easy for either of us but he says I'm worth it and that giving up P and MO was an easy decision to make. According to him constant vigilance is key, which makes sense. Triggers are everywhere!

As for me PMO recovery-wise, I've been having more and more "good days". I can't recall if I've mentioned this in one of my past entries but ever since June I've been having nightmares...really fucked-up ones. They covered everything from me walking in on Garnadaan having sex with the coworker he was attracted to, me dying from my cancer and Garnadaan bringing said coworker to my funeral as his "date", Garnadaan and I divorcing, and other stuff too messed up for me to bring myself to type it here; these nightmares always are vivid and are the type that feel like they're actually happening. When I have these nightmares I apparently stir in my sleep and Garnadaan wakes me up as well as provides comfort. I know that these things will NEVER happen, my brain has just been trying to fuck with me I guess. I'm always hesitant to bring up the specifics of my nightmares with Garnadaan but honest communication and transparency has been the name of the game for us both. Anyway, the point of me bringing this up is that as time has gone on the nightmares have gotten less and less frequent (thankfully). That's something I'm endlessly grateful for....it makes the "bad days" more manageable. We're still going to couples counseling, which has been helping as well.

Sex has been challenging solely from a physical standpoint....side effects from chemo are causing a mild complication. With the help of my oncologist I'm taking steps to solve that problem, and judging by the awesome sex Garnadaan and I had last night those steps are working.

Anyway, I wanted to post a song that I listened to that's helped me cope with things lately - "Burn the Pages" by Sia. The lyrics are very hopeful; hope is something that I've sorely needed - hope that I'll beat breast cancer, as well as hope that Garnadaan's and my marriage will persist and thrive through PMO. Stay strong, my fellow partners. You're all beautiful human beings worthy of love and all the happiness that life has to offer.

 

Frazzle sessions, I like that term! I'm assuming you're referring to "chemo brain". It's definitely kicked in a bit! I'll be walking to the fridge to get a soda and by the time I arrive I forgot what I was going to get! So bizarre. Hubby (@Garnadaan) seems to be coping okay. Overall, he's been amazing. He's really stepped up to the plate with caring for me and staying on top of the housework in addition to working full time. He accompanies me to every chemo infusion and doctor's appointment.

If downloading the accountability software will bring you piece of mind I say go for it. I suggest (if you haven't done this already) discussing/clarifying your reason for doing so (as you stated above) with your hubby just to make sure you're both on the same page. I'm glad you both are doing well!

I'm off to make some tea and do some knitting!

 

Thanks for the well wishes, it means a lot.

 

Wow, it has been WAY too long since I updated my thread. Things have been going okay....Garnadaan and I celebrated our 5-year wedding anniversary on January 29th. We went up to the mountains the following weekend for a romantic getaway, which was really fun. It snowed the night before we arrived so there was ample snow on the ground! So pretty.

On the PMO front things are going okay on both sides; he's 244 days into his reboot (or is it 245? I'll have to check his counter), and I'm so very proud of him. He hasn't posted here on Nofap in a long time, though...I wish he would post with more frequency. I always enjoy gaining further perspective on his thought process when it comes to this addiction, he's not as in- depth about it most of the time when we discuss it in-person. I've been doing okay as well; I don't get emotionally triggered anywhere near as often now.

On the cancer front, things are going well right now. I survived chemo! My last infusion was yesterday. Glad that ickiness is over with. Now it's on to recovering from chemo and planning surgery. Surgery is going to be very challenging for me emotionally....I'm going to lose my breast, and reconstruction likely won't be able to happen for about 6 months to a year after surgery (and the radiation that'll come afterwards and round out my treatment). My husband is a boob guy, and for me to be without one for so long makes me so afraid. It's not going to be sexy AT ALL. It's going to be the exact opposite. I'm terrified that it'll drive him away, back to porn. He says that it won't do any such thing but I fear that he'll change his tune once he sees it in-person. On top of all that the idea of losing my breast devastates me; I'm a wreck just thinking about it. I thought going through chemo was tough; I ain't seen nothing yet. Stay strong everyone (me included).

 

It's been a lot longer than I'd planned since updating this thread. Not a whole lot new to report really. My recovery from chemo was delayed a bit due to me catching a cold, which quickly turned into a bacterial infection that was treated with antibiotics. I was sick for about 10 days. The antibiotics had the potential to cause a severe intestinal infection (C.diff, the same infection I rang in the new year with) but I was lucky this time - I was tested once I completed the antibiotics regimen and the tests came back negative! Woohoo! Now the healing from chemo can truly begin (even though I finished chemo about a month ago).

Garnadaan and I met with a surgical oncologist last week to discuss my surgical options. This meeting went much better than expected! The surgeon wants to preserve as much of my original breast skin as possible. She also recommended an immediate placement of a tissue expander during the mastectomy surgery, which helps preserve the skin's pliability for when I undergo reconstruction about a year or so from now. These were both options that I wasn't expecting to be available to me, which is awesome! These options both mean that I won't be completely flat post-surgery, which I was worried about from an emotional standpoint. It won't be the same as my original boob, but I'll still have something on the operated side of my chest which will help my self-confidence and provide some much-needed piece of mind during this extremely challenging time.

Garnadaan is still doing well, PMO-wise...269 days according to his counter! I am, and continue to be, super proud of him. I, on the other hand, have been having a bit of a rough go of it emotionally as of late. I had a PMO-related nightmare for the first time in a while the night before last....it was pretty severe. As a result I was (and still am) dealing with lots of negative thoughts and insecurity about things - namely, Garnadaan's honesty regarding his PMO and his honesty with what he tells me. He tells me things like how easy it was to give up P, how he doesn't miss it, how doable going without PMO has been, and how he doesn't want anyone else, only me. I WANT to believe him when he tells me these things but I find myself thinking, "It's an addiction. No addiction is that easy to give up...it can't be as easy as he says. It can't be that simple." Trust is something that is still a work in progress, which makes sense but is still saddening for me to admit. I'll never be able to trust him 100% again and have told him as such; I want to get as close to that 100% as possible though. (Thanks for that terminology, by the way, @TheWife! Very apt.)

The negative thoughts than escalate into paranoia. "We haven't had sex in almost a month - I know it's not due to lack of desire on either side, I just haven't been feeling well. He says he's okay with this, but is he really? If we go without sex for too long then what if he relapses? What if he's relapsed and hasn't told me? When we do have sex, is he thinking of me? Or is he thinking of somebody else? His former coworker that he was (is?) attracted to? Some other woman he saw today? A famous actress? Is he thinking of the anime girls he saw in the P he was (is?) into? Did he fake his O? He's faked it before, did he fake it again? What if I'm not enough for him? What if he's telling me that I am to make me feel better? I have cancer, for fuck's sake. How on earth can he find me attractive?" It snowballs even further from there, causing emotional pain and making me feel like I'm worthless, ugly, and all that rot. "What if he's been lying to me the entire time? He's lied to you for the majority of your marriage yet you still stand by him. Are you sure that's the right choice?"

I still take some comfort in the fact that when I have bad days like the past couple of days have been they don't happen as often as they used to. When they DO happen, though, they're fucking brutal. I'm not going to leave my husband; it isn't want I want to do. When bad days happen, though, it's just difficult to focus on the positive.