Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

As stated previously I haven't been doing well emotionally speaking. I was triggered pretty severely the weekend before Thanksgiving, when Garnadaan and I went to the drive-in to see the new James Bond movie (something I'd been looking forward to seeing for the past year or so). The opening credits contained a huge trigger for me, which caused me to have a panic attack. I hadn't had one of those in a while but I was especially worried given that fact that I'd been in the hospital the previous 2 days. Ever since that night it's like everything from the past months - Garnadaan disclosing his PMO, finding out all the details of his behavior piece by piece along the way after the initial disclosure, his attraction to his coworker - has come rushing back. My mind keeps ruminating on these things; it feels like all of the cancer-related stress is amplifying it, which isn't helping. The negative thoughts and negative self-talk are rampant.

I'm a wreck. I cry at least once a day, and it feels like nothing I do brings me relief from the negativity - not even knitting or video games, which have always been my go-to for comfort. It certainly doesn't help that I'm largely confined to the apartment due to my compromised immune system and am alone most of the time, with nothing but cats and my overactive brain for company.

I want to get back to the days where I felt like I was living my life; right now I'm not living, I'm surviving. One day at a time...one day at a time...

 

Hi there, @Handzfree. Thanks for replying to my post! You assumed correctly, I have indeed been relaying my thoughts and feelings about all this to Garnadaan. I realized that I've neglected to mention at any point that he has indeed stepped up to take care of me as best as he can while still working 44 hours a week. He's done an amazing job.

There's a group of newfound knitting friends that I meet with every couple of weeks (depending on where I'm at physically in my chemo cycle - if I'm feeling well enough to attend and whatnot). I've gotten to know one of the women in the group better and the other day told her about Garnadaan's PA. Everyone in the group knows about the cancer....heh, with my partially bald head it'd be tough for them NOT to know, lol! It's been nice being able to talk to someone in person about PA. I didn't realize how much I needed that until it happened! I've been carrying this around for several months, and my proverbial load was lightened substantially.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it!

 

Went to the cancer center this morning. I had appointments for blood work and with my oncologist. Can't recall if I've mentioned it or not, but the day before each chemo infusion I have to have blood work done to see where my numbers are at and namely if my system will be able to tolerate the chemo meds. If my numbers aren't where my oncologist would like them to be (for example, if my white blood cell counts are too low) then chemo would be delayed by a week to give my body time to recuperate. Thankfully my numbers looked good so I'm all set to go for chemo tomorrow! My oncologist examined me today during my visit with her and was impressed with how significantly the tumor has shrunk. That's definitely something that's been really cool throughout all this....being able to actually feel a difference and notice progress happening.

So tomorrow I get to spend six hours or so in a comfy chair as icky drugs that make me feel like crap are pumped into my body. It hasn't been as bad as it sounds for me...the chemo itself has been okay, it's just the side effects from said chemo that are super lame.

Welp, time for me to take a nap. The fatigue has been pretty bad lately. Garnadaan works late tonight so I have the apartment to myself...perfect time for knitting and Netflix. I'm making him a pair of socks for Christmas and need to get cracking (they're not a surprise so I can mention it freely here!).

Stay strong everyone.

 

I've been watching Jessica Jones....currently on episode 7. It's SO GOOD. I could always use recommendations for stuff to watch on Netflix.

Thanks for the well wishes!

 

I finished Jessica Jones last night on Netflix. WOW, what a great show but so dark....gonna have to wind down with some crappy romantic comedies from the 90s or something after all that psychological warfare.

Round 3 of chemo went well yesterday...I'm physically feeling okay so far. Hopefully that trend continues. I have to report back to the infusion center this afternoon to be given a shot that will kick my bone marrow into high gear, making it produce more white blood cells (and hopefully, in doing so, will prevent future hospital visits).

Been in a good mood all day but that could be the steroids talking. The day before, the day of, and the day after chemo I have to take a corticosteroid. It usually provides me with a bit of a mood boost, which I quite like. Hell, any reprieve I can get from feeling poorly I''ll take! LOL.

Stay strong, everyone!

 

And after seeing the photo thread in the Offtopic forum I don't have the gumption to post a selfie there....but there's a sense of perceived "safety" to me (silly, I know...the Internet is the Internet) when it comes to posting one here in my journal thread. So here you go:

 

I've been meaning to update my journal here but the past couple of weeks have been challenging for me, both physically and emotionally. Round 3 of chemo was on December 1st, and it was brutal - lots of fatigue and GI issues. Round 4 was originally scheduled for December 22nd but had to be pushed back a week due to my red blood cell counts being really low. I didn't have any symptoms of anemia so I was surprised to see my lab results! I'm pretty bummed about the delay but at least I'll be well enough to enjoy Christmas. Garnadaan and I are flying solo on Christmas this year - we're going to have a small dinner and spend the day either playing video games or playing Magic: the Gathering (why yes we're huge nerds, why do you ask? ).

Garnadaan hit the 6-month mark on the 10th...I know it hasn't been easy but I'm so, so proud of him!

Emotionally I'm still a bit of a mess. The emotional impact of my cancer diagnosis has really begun to sink in, and to make matters even worse I've been dealing with frequent nightmares and almost-daily negative thoughts. This is typically a stressful time of year (yay holidays ) and the holiday-related stress on top of the cancer-related stuff AND the PMO/trauma-related emotional stuff all make for one tired, emotionally imbalanced me. As much as I enjoy Christmas I'll be glad when it's behind me for another year.

Happy Holidays, everybody. Stay strong.