Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

Welcome to the forum! I am a wife of an addict who has been clean for 2 years. I was similar to you in that I assumed my husband MO'd and I didn't really care to think about how he helped this process along. It wasn't until he started getting ED that I suspected masturbation to be an issue. I had asked him to give it up, he said he would but he never did. Then one day shortly after the birth of my second baby I made the PMO discovery and gave him an ultimatum. In the end he gave up PMO and video games because both were starting to affect our relationship and family.

It does get better. You will eventually heal if he stays PMO free and starts to make the changes. We communicated a lot and had some knock down drag out fights during the first year. I questioned everything about our relationship and especially my femininity and worth as a woman. It was kind of the best thing that happened to us and to me to be honest. Living with porn and masturbation keeps a man distant from his wife and you don't really quite know how much until he gives it up.

Anyway I am here if you need anything! @Blondewife and @Haggis are awesome as well as @Sun Bro and @Strugglesaurus and @significantother and @cmdr_shepard. They are all working on freeing themselves from porn and reviving their relationships!

 

This is the video that my SO showed me that really opened my eyes and helped me get on the right track:


I wish you guys the best of luck and tell your husband to pm me if he ever has any questions. I did the same thing when I got on here with Haggis and he is now one of my good friends and my AP. I will do everything I can to help him if he will try.

 

Hello Gamerwife85,

I just want to give you some encouragement. To me it sounds like you are on your way to being in the clear. As far as the hentai goes, it doesn't surprise me. The whole problem with porn is that it desensitizes us men. Just like drugs we move on to harder and harder stuff. When we get to tentacle monsters raping women (Hentai) that's pretty much the end of the road. Hell, they had to animate it because it's not even possible in real life thank god!

As a man, trust me when I tell you that your husband does not want to rape women, it really is the work of desensitization that causes this problem. The worst part is that men are CONSTANTLY bombarded by sexuality. When guys decide to stop PMO they realize why they were into it so much in the first place. Every time you check your email there is some sexy advertisement in your face and it's really annoying for guys that don't want to watch porn anymore.

That TED video hit the nail on the head. If this was still the age of skin mags you wouldn't be having this problem. I seriously doubt your husband would be going to the dirty video store to get these flicks. The anonymity of the internet is what makes this like a drug.

I think it runs deeper than we may all realize though. This may even be a conspiracy of epic proportions. This is a war against Men for profit. I'm not sure if the people waging it realize what's at stake but men need women more than ever to help us win this fight. Feminism talks about objectification of women which is absolutely real but it's a symptom of a much bigger problem. Hell, sex education in school actually drives men towards porn with scare tactics. Our minds have been rewired due to porn in a bad way but even worse we are throwing away all this vitality by ejaculating more than ever before. Women do not understand this because they don't loose vitality in the same way after an orgasm although my wife reports something similar before and during her period.

When your husband told you that he didn't need porn it may have been the truth at the time, but high speed internet is like having a drug dealer as a roommate. The good news is that he found this site. This community seams to have figured out how empowering it is to hold on to your seed. Once men experience that power it's like realizing what being a Man really is. It's about confronting this powerful sexual energy and using it to accomplish our goals. The War is was talking about relies on us not knowing this.

 

Hey Gamerwife! And most definitely welcome, you're in a good place now, whether you know it or not.

You guys have decided to stick it out. That, first and foremost, is an incredible accomplishment that you need to give yourself credit for. There are far too many heartbreaking stories about spouses that just couldn't take it anymore and once-blossoming relationships wither and die from pixel-related diseases. I congratulate you on being strong-willed enough and clear-minded enough to see that your marriage had potential. That it was worth fighting for. Pat yourself on the back for that, and remember to celebrate every little victory.

Because make no mistake, you are now in a war. PMO is an insidious and deceptive enemy. One that sneaks in and rots from within before the victim is even aware. But now you are aware, and knowledge = power in this fight. I encourage your husband to read everything he can get his hands on regarding this. TEDx talks, YBOP, and this site are all wonderful resources that are chock-full of people that want to help. I also strongly encourage your husband to start a journal on this site. Having my wife by my side through all of this has been an incalculable help, and journaling helps me more than I ever would have thought before I started doing it.

As far as the way you're feeling right now, it sounds par for the course to me. My wife went through more mood swings than I could count during the first couple months as she began to process all of those emotions. Your husband needs to remain patient and understanding with anything you're feeling right now, as you must remain understanding about the nature of his addiciton. If he's already taking steps to demonstrate his faithfulness to you, then that sounds like a good start on his part.

Bu there is definitely hope as the wise Lime said:

This is true for my marriage as well. I never knew the real depths of my own feelings and emotions until I unplugged from PMO. The floodgates opening and all that. This journey will not be easy, but its SO worth it.

Stay the course!

 

Hi GW,

I read your post closely and a few things stuck out. Probably the biggest is right now you are facing some major stressors in your life. Mom - cancer, school and an addicted husband that you love. All of these play out into your marriage. As a married man who fell into porn here are some things I can tell you.

Probably the most comforting thing I can say is, if like me... and many others here, your husband probably does not like porn. Nor does he like being controlled by it. In my worse times, I would spend hours looking online for the perfect clip to orgasm to. Then at 2AM in the morning I would crawl into bed disgusted with myself and vowing never again. The next night - the same thing. Being married, I knew that I was betraying my wife, but I could also compartmentalize the habit. Like you, my wife found my addiction through my browser history. It hurt her deeply.

I'm not sure about your relationship with you husband but ours was strained and I used porn as an escape. Relationships take effort and they do not run on autopilot. Stressors can create some ugly things. Instead of dealing with our marital issues, I decided I will be the master of my own destiny and do as I pleased. Instead I became the slave.

The fact that you and your husband are talking and working things out is a very positive sign. Focus on the goal (a great marriage) not the journey. Unfortunately, I do have to tell you to expect some bumps in the road, but it's worth traveling. My wife insisted I never ever to look at porn again - I failed, dusted off and started over again and again until I got it right. Like any addiction there is a recovery period and it takes time and effort. You are correct. your husband did involve himself in some very risky behavior at work... and he knows it too.

I've been in personal counseling for a few years now and marriage counseling with my wife. I would encourage you to seek out a good counselor. Spend the bucks, because you'll get much further faster. One thing that came up in an early session was the counselor telling my wife my addiction had nothing to do with my love for her, which was true - I love her dearly. That being said, my wife said the same things you have... who's in bed with me when we're having sex? Some actor that I have no way of living up to? Bottom line, what you feel is real.

Regarding self-esteem. It will take some time to rebuild yourself. Remember, while you love your husband, you are an individual too. You need to take time to deal with your own hurts and stresses. Ask your husband for help when you start feeling comfortable again - be honest. "I'm afraid for my mom. I'm struggling in this class." You know if as a team you can beat this you'll end up being stronger and closer. Face it, you now know part of your husbands darkest, deepest secrets and failures. He has no place to hide or turn. Showing him compassion is nothing short of unconditional love. He doesn't deserve it, but yet it's there.

I commend you for standing by your husband and supporting him. Nothing happens in a vacuum and something (other than porn) is eating at your husband. Many issues come from out childhood... overbearing mother? Distanced father, an uncle with a porn stash... you name it - it's there. My dad was violent, PTSD. Encourage your husband to open up, put up boundaries for your personal well being. You certainly have a right to express our hurt and anger, but again remember - focus on the issue and not the one you love. Finally, as a tip, make sure you're making good eye contact when talking. This type of visual connecting is called mind mapping - letting the other person see you and your sincerity.

NoFap is a great area to connect and get feedback and support. I wish you (and your husband) the very best. Good luck at school and here's hoping for a successful recovery for your mom!

Cheers!
HF

 

Thank you for sharing your story I was truly touched reading about it. I think that despite me going through my own journey solo at this stage I feel I might add some value to the discussion. I think the fact that you are both now aware and actively engaging in concerted effort to work through this issue is a heartening thing to take on board. You obviously both care and appreciate each other dearly; the fact that your partner is acting out to porn is definitely not an ideal state of affairs, but I am sure you can now appreciate that it is not a simple thing and many other porn users experience difficulty in dealing with coming away from it. He needs to begin to educate himself about what is going on, why he is doing it, and ultimately decide how important it is that he rectify his porn habit/addiction/use and to communicate this with you. I hope that being in a community of similar minded people will give you and your partner the opportunity to learn more about methods of recovery and just how beneficial this may be for both of you going forward. All the best and welcome on board.

 

My wife has had trouble with that, even now after almost 6 months. We had been together for almost 9 years and I had lied to her so much about it that her head was spinning. You two need to make certain to keep the lines of communication open and freely discuss exactly what you're feeling, even if it seems to have no logical basis. Emotions can be vague and indeterminate by their nature, but its still what you're feeling so you need to acknowledge it. It seems like you guys are handling this well so far, I like that you are reading together.

Stay the course!

 

Yes getting feelings up and out is KEY! It might hurt to bring them up and your husband might resist them because your hurt, hurts him BUT it needs to come out so it can heal.

You all are doing great! The first year is by far the hardest. I am at 2 years and although my self esteem is not 100% what it was before it is 80% there. It really is about time, communication and moving forward in a consistent manner. You will need to trust him again and it is a conscious choice. You may not be ready right now. It took me a year to finally choose to trust in my husband again. Everyone is different.

Have you experienced any social anxiety? This is something that has really come up for me and I still am struggling with it. I just bought a workbook which seems promising!

 

Funny, I also woke up on the stressed/afraid/sad side of the bed today. I understand how you feel about the "long 8 hours" thing, my SO (Sun Bro) just left for work while I just woke up from the worst nightmare about him in a while. I think the reason you find it so difficult to do the things you love is, with this betrayal and hurt comes an inability to just stop everything and enjoy a game, etc. I have the same problem. I haven't been able to get back in to any video games I've thoroughly enjoyed in the past because I just can't disconnect.

What @Garnadaan calls "stirring" a lot of people call "urges", and they do not last forever. There will be days (especially early days) where he will be more susceptible to both porn flashbacks and urges to use. He always has the choice, though. If he educates himself and reads journals on here, I'm sure he can learn what works for him and what doesn't. The best thing to do when urges/thoughts come up, is for him to redirect his attention elsewhere, otherwise the cravings will magnify themselves.

Exactly. I find myself thinking this way as well, but once those floodgates are opened we can't go back to how things used to be. No matter how good it seemed. Good is just a placeholder for "blind to how things actually were". Now that this door is open, it should open a lot of other doors for change in your relationship, as it has with mine. The good will come, you will simply have to work together to get there.

I hope you keep yourself busy today and don't have too hard of a time dealing with these feelings. Though I understand it's incredibly difficult to get through one measly day when you're anxious about your SO having problems. I'm very glad you found these forums, both of you!

 

Some thing you may not be aware of... Some men are raised by their dads and society to believe that ogling other woman and fantasizing about other women is OK. My upbringing was Catholic and somehow I learned to never ogle women, lucky me. But... when I got older my dad started encouraging me to ogle women, but, I always balked at the idea because it felt wrong. I know many men who intentionally wear dark sunglasses when they go to the beach so that they can ogle women the entire time without anyone noticing. In many movies, people are often portrayed as innocently fantasizing about other people during sex, as if it is ok. So... If @Garnadaan has a similar mindset, he might have a lot of behavioral modification ahead of himself if he wants to stop fantasizing about other women, and that would be work he would need to do on top of his effort to quit PMO. Don't get me wrong, if you think it is wrong, then, stand your ground. I bring this up because I always find that fully understanding my partner's reasons for doing something help me cope with the situation.

 

Oh no. My heart really goes out to you because I have felt/am feeling these same things. Shortly after beginning Nofap, my SO revealed to me that he had been fantasizing about porn during sex. He thought it was normal and it really sent me spiraling down into my memories. Questioning whether, when I was present, if he was off imagining some other woman. In a past journal entry, I equated it to using me as a masturbatory tool instead of a partner and I'm sure you feel the same. I cried a lot when I found out. I gave him the cold shoulder for days. It hurts so much to have it reiterated over and over that you aren't enough for the one you love.

The way my SO and I remedied this problem is going hard-mode (no sex or orgasm) for about 45 days, after that he has reported no problems whatsoever. Garnadaan's mind is just recently out of the PMO-haze, it will take time to alter his behaviors. As for ogling, I introduced "the three-second rule" to my partner and he has been using it for 7 months now. Actually, I should say not using it, since he has had no desire to look at women in that way for a while now.

I would talk to him about this, tell him how you feel about it and how much it hurts you. It isn't an acceptable thing to do in a relationship. My SO says that his problem was that he didn't know he had a problem! You'll have to do a lot of talking, but hopefully it'll turn the wheels in his head and things will start to change.

I would have a problem with this too. It's definitely normal to experience anxiety with this type of situation. If you cannot enjoy yourself then there is no point in going at all, especially if he doesn't have a handle on his ogling problem. It will cause further problems between you, so maybe you could bring it up and explain your fears and see what he thinks.