Says She's Supportive...Then Isn't

OK.... I've seen my SO through his relapses for 1..
For 2, he's a year and a half PM free.
For 3, with that mindset, you will never be free of your addiction

And 4....it sounds like you don't want to.

So, after talking with countless addicts (and SOs) about their addictions
( & about the addiction ride they got dragged into)
, I think at this point, if anyone can pass a judgment on who would understand, it's going to be a partner whos PA actually got his head out of his ass and became sober.
Because if you want your partner to be one who stays, you might want to stop Lying to her.
I guarantee that's hurting your relationship worse than the porn.

Edit - - if this is so petty, why are you here?

 

It's not porn that's hurting my relationship, you're right. I know my partner will return regardless of what I do, but I don't tell her about this stuff because it's just going to raise another argument to which there's no right answer.

It's like if you are flirting with a girl, do you return home and say "Hey, today in class/work I was with this chick and we said something to each other"? No, you keep it to yourself. To me it was just an interaction, to her it's going to seem like I want to cheat on her.

But I digress... like I said, I'd advise not to say these things. Of course your girlfriend is supportive but she has an ego and she's a human being at the end of the day. You do not always need to disclose personal stuff. One of the first things you learn as an adult

 

I am not discrediting your point of view what I am saying is that when you are an addict you lack the ability to see things from a logical and balanced perspective. And these are not just pmo addicts. Your brain is doing anything it can to keep you addicted and justify your behavior. Here is a bit it that type of thinking. It is not too difficult to expect your SO to be affectionate and supportive during tough times. Sure tough times like you lost your job, you had a family member due etc. But you did not cause the death of a family member or the job loss. You lied do you see the difference? You are expecting your SO to comfort and be affectionate with her source of pain! And most SOs don't even want to touch the PA yet alone be affectionate. Here's some more you should stand by your spouse in sickness and in health. I don't agree with should I will say should consider it. I don't disagree with you that addiction is an illness that being said it's one of th few illnesses with a primary component of lying. If you have cancer, diabetes etc usually you are not lying to your spouse. Your thought process means that a spouse should be supportive no matter how many times you lie and if she does not she's at fault? And sexual and pmo addiction hits at a woman like no other. It makes her feel unattractive and kills her self esteem. I can't think of any other addiction that does that. So it's not just as simple as in sickness and in health it is in health and lying. You are painting yourself as the victim here and expecting empathy. And addicts are in the minority and the majority of people do not think with an addicted brain. That leads me to defensiveness you are very defensive also a hallmark of addiction. What you need you do is stop defending yourself and stop expecting ANYTHING from your SO. I think some of the guys refer to it as falling on your sword. Something like I am totally wrong I am sorry . Put her feelings 100% before yours. You are not doing that you are still caught up in your own feelings and your own needs. Put those aside and focus on hers. This is about you obtaining forgiveness and rebuilding the relationship. The old equal dynamic is no longer there and your relationship is not going to go back to the way it once was now and maybe not ever. I used to say to my partner you don't have a dog in this fight so why please stop being defensive. Addicts had the loving affectionate trusting equal partner and they threw her away they did not respect her enough to be honest. And now they want that person back? The same as before? Come again? And it is bothersome that you seem to speak for your partner saying this is not helpful to her. Unless you asked her to read it and she said that how do you know? From where I stand you have some work to do in getting to what is needed to recover. I think what's holding you back is that you still are refusing to see how horrible what you did is, you don't see the gravity of it. That's not to say you don't recognize you did something wrong rather that you don't see how wrong it was. Most people equate it to cheating. So if you have been cheated on and are still upset about it you should understand a little how she feels. Did you want to be affectionate with your ex after you found out about her cheating. Did you feel the need to support her in her recovery from cheating on you? Did you think that this was a difficult time for her so you needed that help her? I suspect the answer is no particularly because you are no longer together. Getting to the acceptance stage is tough because when you do realize how much pain you have caused it causes you a lot of pain. Pain which you are trying to avoid. I wish you the best of luck. I recommend that you have your wife join this forum. You have changed and you do see pmo is a problem. But you just quite have not gotten there and in order to recover and for your spouse to recover you need to. I don't write this to vent Or criticize. I am no longer in a relationship with my ex and so the anger element for me is removed. I am writing these long paragraphs in the hope that it will help you save your relationship.

 

That was sarcasm.

 

Zynn gets it. I'll have a longer post later.

It seems some people can't understand that their own insecurities are first and foremost theirs, not anyone else's. Second, the failure to realise how psychology plays a part in OP's recovery.

Everyone loves a vanilla answer. What they want to hear, not what it is.

 

Yes, it is perfectly comparable. Doing so otherwise, you'll only end up lieing to yourself. Perhaps some people need to look at their boundaries and value structures more closely.

Again, if my SO was a chronic procrastinator and she relapsed into laziness on the 6th day and I reacted the same, it would be labelled as ridiculous.

 

You are the only one finding it comparable. I'm labeling your example as ridiculous.

 

@Physicist I think EyesWideOpen and other partners see your example as ridiculous because cheating has dire affects on a relationship whereas procrastination does not have those same effects. Porn takes away from the relationship emotionally and sexually. Porn attacks the one thing that makes the relationship different from others. Sex. Sex is what happens in a romantic relationship that separates that relationship from any other the person has. So when you use the example of procrastination it doesn't make sense or isn't comparable because cheating/betrayal on such a deep level creates emotional trauma in the betrayed, whereas if your gf procrastinated you wouldn't feel cheated or a deep level of betrayal where you couldn't trust that person and question whether your partner wants you... Do you see what I am saying?

 

Maybe stop consider watching porn might be cheating?

Plenty of girlfriends do, just saying. Its the thing nobody here seems to want to here.

Procrastination absolutely does have those same effects. Why judge someone for their situation when you don't want others to judge yours? Procrastination could destroy someones entire life because they are addicted to being lazy. You promised you were going to study for law school and help our family? What happened then? You aren't already having sex because you are miserable.

Anything could create trauma or betrayal. Doesn't mean you have to single in on porn.

 

@Physicist I can understand long-term procrastination laziness having a negative impact, for sure. But myself and other partners do consider it cheating, some don't. In my case, I made it clear before my husband asked me out on a date that porn couldn't be in the relationship because I view it as cheating, and porn is a huge trigger for relapse into my anorexia, so I also can't have porn in a relationship for my own mental health. My husband assured me porn wouldn't be a problem, and we ended up dating and eventually got married. So even if porn isn't cheating to some, it's the secrecy and gaslighting(aka emotional abuse) that destroys the relationship. And everyone has their own personal definition of cheating. For instance, I let my husband know every time I text one of my guy friends because he asked me to, and would feel betrayed and hurt and possibly cheated on if I wasn't letting him know. So even if I don't consider it cheating or a betrayal, if my husband does, I have to respect that.

 

And I label everyone else's excuse as ridiculous. At its core, its an addictive behaviour. Addicted to fast food, anything which could destroy health could destroy a relationship. When you marry your SO and they grow fat and lazy, its not the sex is fantastic. Maybe it barely happens.

To your original point, you have a right to get upset and angry and throw a tantrum. If murder was not written law, you have a right to kill them for watching porn to. I'm not saying don't be upset. Do ahead, take it out on them.

Same as anyone has the right to end a relationship over something they don't like. OR whatever other reason you could find. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, actually cheating with another person and not merely thinking watching porn is cheating.

All of this does not mean it is effective and helpful. Some people here seem to think accept and encouraging someones effort despite a momentary relapse is cheerleading, which absolutely is ridiculous. Its basic psychology, you encourage the good behaviour. Trying to punish them for the bad means you are selfish who only wants to care about their own feeling. Punishing is worth it if the pattern of behaviour is repeated. You don't help your SO other by punishing them because it only creates fear as when you aren't there as when a relationship ends, he has nothing to be fearful about and that will trigger his addiction back.

Studies have been done on addicts that they can go on without substances if you put them in an environment for a period of time. Put them back in that environment where they were using and they is a very good chance they relapse.

Instead if you wanted to help them, you'd help them by encouraging if they made progress. Then only punish if they repeated a pattern of behaviour you didn't like. This actually prevents secrecy and contributes to solving a problem in the long term for your SO who, if you aren't there one day, won't relapse because it was out of will, not out fear.

 

For most partners this is repeated behavior by the addict. "I'll never do it again, I promise" the addict says, a day/week/month/year later relapse. "I'll never do it again," the addict says, and again relapse. So when we as partners find more when there were lies, of course we will be hurt. Even if there is honesty, that doesn't necessarily take away the pain, it lessens it. But still we as partners can be hurt by the addicts behavior and have the right to set boundaries, which are not punishments. For instance, I told my husband if he ever slipped up or relapsed and didn't tell me within 24 hours we would be sleeping in different rooms until I felt emotionally safe. Some might think that's punishing, but in reality, it's setting a boundary with a consequence.

 

Maybe its time you fixed your own insecurities and took responsibility for your own feelings.

If I could shirk responsibility about how I felt because someone did something, the list would be endless.

Its not the vanilla answer you'd like but it is what it is.

 

And there it is...you are a right fighter. Everyone else is wrong, not you. You and only you are right 100% of the time, even when you are wrong. As I stated earlier, addict behavior. Or narcissistic. Or both. Either way, my commenting about this is finished.

 

Said by someone who refused to even consider such a situation could exist and label it as "ridiculous" from the start.

That more of me imitating you rather than actually believing in that statement.

But please continue.

 

Since when does considering watching porn in a relationship not allowed to be considered cheating? Are you telling @AnonymousAnnaXOXO that she should have to change the way she feels about something so that she doesn't feel hurt by it? What kind of recommendation is that? You can't simply change one's mind or viewpoint about something, especially if it's something they believe to their core about.

You keep using these useless examples about "Procrastination" and how it's even comparable to porn addiction. Actually it's quite laughable. Trust me, I wish I had an addiction to procrastination as opposed to P. As a PA, it's nowhere near the same. Also, there's a difference between giving a "Vanilla" answer and just diverting the blame to someone other than yourself or making excuses as to why it's okay someone relapsed.
Why are you even here? This is supposed to be a place of help and support and yet you're turning this whole thing into an argument. It seems to me that, if you indeed have a problem, you're trying to convince yourself that you're not addicted. Must really suck to be in denial, because I'll tell you, it's one of the most freeing things in the world to finally come to the realization that there is a problem inside of your person causing harm. The more you run or try to hide it away from reality, the worse it gets.

The fact of the matter is - you can't tell anyone how they're supposed to react or supposed to feel about a particular subject. There are no vanilla answers and your attempt at trying to be anti PC is demeaning to those that this really does effect on a daily basis.

The solution is to these types of things are never simple. Sometimes there are no solutions, just work ethic. The fact of the matter is that everyone is working towards the same goal, and that goal is to be free of this whole thing. So, passing blame to the SO and stating it's her fault for reacting a certain way is never going to get anyone anywhere. Me being a PA, as I stated in my past post, is an issue that my SO knows about. She knows I struggle with it, and she knows that I have relapsed. Was her reaction what I expected? You bet it was. She was quiet, short, distant for a bit, etc...How can me, the person who is supposed to be working at this, get upset at her for not patting me on the back and saying "Good job Honey! WOOOO 5 DAYS!" - No. Since she is my SO, and has body complex issues to begin with, it's just another knife in the back. It doesn't hurt as bad as the one that stabbed her when I originally told her that I had a problem, but it still hurts. Each time you tell her that there's a relapse, that wound gets deeper and deeper.
We're all adults, and we need to grasp our own responsibilities, because sometimes it's a lonely road, even with a SO who says they're supportive, because what it comes down to is that, they have feelings to that we need to understand.

 

I didnt say that did I? Go ahead, consider watching porn is cheating. You can also consider texting someone of the opposite sex is cheating, why not consider talking to the opposite sex is cheating? Hell, consider looking at someone of the opposite sex is cheating too.

Helpful to you? No

And, yes you can. I have done it plenty of times. Some of it takes work, some of it can happen in an instant. Why do you want to be a slave to your considerations, ones which you have made the choice to develop?

If its not serving you, why have them in the first place?

In other words, you are only excusing by shirking responsibility about yourself to some external force by stating all that. Fair enough, go ahead, but you'll never fix it.

I wish you didn't. You'd suffer and you'd lack any progress. Replace procrastination with binge eating, binge watching TV etc Any addictive behaviour that stops progress.

Please point out to me where I diverted blame and made an excuse, thanks.

My whole argument for OP was that the reaction her girlfriend displayed was not helpful. Being supportive after 5 days isn't cheerleading, its actually positive reinforcement that supports both of you in the long run.

All of this said in a thread where everyone continues to blame the OP for solely causing the situation. Supposedly pointing out that there is a more helpful way to OP's situation is "Arguing"

Yeah ok but please continue the assumptions.

And this is precisely what separates us. The understanding that one is responsible for his own actions and his own emotions. Unlike what you believe and will continue to believe (I suspect), there is a choice in how you react.

I feel urges and anger and depression and laziness all the time. Does that mean I always act out what I feel, no. Your reaction to a particular situation is a choice. Feel free to disregard if you want to keep your insecurities. I speak from personal experience.

Sure, go feel anyway you want and go act anyway you want. Perhaps choose to react where it could be more helpful.

They are more simple than you realise. Look closer. Complicating the matter only means you are trying to justify not confronting the problem. "oh its too complicated, I'll stay the same".

If that were the case I'd still be crippled every time things didn't go my way.

All of this being said, you completely contradict yourself here.

Perhaps I still should have been the guy who got, jealous, angry and insecure everytime my SO checked out a guy. Then took it out on her and gotten distant because she did it and wounded me even more.

Everyone has feelings, depends how you act them out is the real question.

edit: read one of my previous posts here why i explain positive reinforcement is more effective.

 

I can't even go too in depth on this this due to the lack of understanding you have for your fellow human. Please let us know when you gain some more insightful and emotional backbone. You clearly are using examples that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Keep passing blame and keep diverting, you're quite good at it and it seems you have a lot of practice with it. Keep passing the buck. Hopefully one day you'll realize how stupid your examples and logic sound. But for now, I digress and I'm done responding.

 

Sure. Keep assuming things about me and keep shirking responsibility.

The whole notion of NoFap is controlling yourself despite your feelings, but SO not acting in a helpful way is too much to bear.

Please don't project. If you are so good at taking responsibility you can do better. Guess you have no understanding of psychology and your "fellow humans"

The reality that everyone has a choice about how they act regardless of feelings never sinks into some folks. Pretty sad.