Says She's Supportive...Then Isn't

You have to understand that to her, every time you relapse it feels like a slap in the face to her. She feels betrayed, like she isn't good enough to satisfy you. You break off a little piece of her heart each time you seek out images of random women on a screen to pleasure yourself.

Here is some information about Betrayal Trauma. It's a very real issue that SOs deal with when they find out their partner is an addict.

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...a-coaddict-just-because-you-love-a-pa.187853/

 

No pity party

 

Yes please check out the betrayal trauma thread! Also she has every righr to have space. Idk her views on it but to me it was cheating and my husband knew how i felt prior to the relationship. had i known about his slips i probably wouldnt hsve slept in the same bed with him. Id probably talk to make sure he has a plan in place for the next time urges hit and then go take care of myself. Its unrealistic to think ur gf wont be upset, thats naive and selfish. Acknowledge that every time you use you are hurting her and she may need space.

Also if you stop telling her the truth about your recovery she wont trust you if she asks and you lie. How long have you two been together? My dday was exactly a year into the relationship and i was crushed beyond belief. if you do anything today, watch those videoa they are the most helpful thing an addict can watch so the addict realizes how they harm their partner even unintentionally.

I wish you luck in recovery, get some filters blockers to start that way if temptation hits and you type something in you wont be exposed to P. It might hurt her less if she knows you didnt see or watch anything though you searched.

 

Let me try that link again...

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...a-coaddict-just-because-you-love-a-pa.187853/

 

I have a different perspective.
It sounds like a miscommunication of what isn't clear boundaries on the reboot.
She will heal at her own time, yes... But what if she expects you to tell her of a relapse in a certain amount of time?
What if she was giving you a consequence?
This is what that sounds like to me.
I think you should have a Boundaries conversation and lay them out so they don't change and u know what's expected.
I'll link you to it.

 

So, she didn't flip out and tell you she was mad at you, resented you, etc etc. She instead quietly got up and walked away to allow herself the time and space to deal with her emotions and not lash out at you or say anything that could be perceived as being unsupportive or anything she would regret. She was hurt, she recognized that hurt and dealt with it in a mature manner by separating herself before she reacted in an emotionally charged situation and allowed herself to calm down so that she could share her feelings with you once she processed them instead of wielding them like a weapon to hurt you. That doesn't sound like an unsupportive gf. An unsupportive gf would've flipped out on you immediately, she would have said every single thing she knew that would hurt you, she wouldve cheated on you or found some way to hurt you back as much as you hurt her and she would have dumped you. The fact that she gives you the opportunity to try to be a better person without bashing you when you slip up, doesn't rub your nose in your failures or continuously tell you the endless stream of pain and misery that goes through her mind since she learned of your betrayal sounds pretty damn supportive to me. It sounds more like your own guilt, shame and embarrassment over your relapse is clouding your judgement and allowing you to project your anger onto her and blame her for something instead of accepting responsibility for your mistake and being angry with yourself for it. Perhaps you should take a few steps back and logically look at the situation and see what exactly it is you want and expect from her when you screw up and see if your expectations are realistic or not. If the situation was reversed and you found out that she had been lying to you and sneaking around getting sexual gratification from looking at other men, fantasizing about other men, etc etc and couldn't or wouldn't get sexual pleasure with you, how would you feel? Especially if she told you she was addicted to masturbating and just couldnt help herself. Would you respond the same way she has? Five days in and you ask her how it's going and she says to you "Not well, I had to watch some porn and masturbate" or "I saw this guy at the store in his basketball shorts and couldn't help myslf and I masturbated when I got home. I slipped up", would you quietly get up and leave the room for the night and tell her later that you arent " mad, just hurt" ? It seems like she is being supportive of your recovery but you arent being supportive of her feelings and acknowledging your role in making her feel that way and validating how she feels so that she may move on. I find I shocking that 1. Your therapist has not pointed this out to you or had you do any exercises using role reversal so that you may see things from a different perspective and 2. That any therapist would recommend or condone lying to a significant other whether it's outright lying or lying through omission. Especially in a relationship with trust issues, any and all lies will only continue to further erode a shaky foundation. Furthermore, suggesting lying or any action or behavior meant to deceive another as a good idea to an admitted addict is unethical and unconscionable. For any therapist to recommend that is shocking, disappointing and frankly puts their own motives into question. Is the therapist actually trying to help you learn and utilize the proper skills and tools needed to cope with and navigate your life in a healthy way that you are happy with? Or is the therapist sharing their own feelings and opinions (which they shouldnt do) on your life so that you behave a certain way or even so that you will not progress as quickly as you perhaps could with a different therapist and they will have longer to get your money?

 

Also...

Right, because shopping or make up is the same as sexually betraying your partner. Grow up.

 

In a sense it is. Girls value cuddling and guys value sex. Its values at the base of it.

My advice to OP is to stop seeking support from people like a girlfriend. There are very few rare girlfriends that understand. They are exceptionally rare.

You should pursue your girls forget having sex. If you can learn to sublimate this energy to your life purpose and forgo sexual desires for the better, you will literally make yourself independent. She is going to feel very confused and even turned on because very very few men can control such a desire. You are moving towards your purpose now, having sex with her doesn't matter.

Edit: I'll add this. This might be a tough pill to swallow but if she feels its worth breaking up with you over this addiction, then you might be better off breaking up with her through recovery.

I'm genuinely not sure why everyone is siding with her on this issue in this thread. I wouldn't, it is inherently selfish to be all about her feelings and not yours. In a sense, this is manipulation and its passive aggressive. People really need to wake up!

If anyone has listened to Jordan peterson, he mentions that to always get a person to do something you want, you should encourage and compliment then when they take that action. They subconsciously will want to do it more. If you make them feel bad, they will stop doing it.

Reverse the rolls. Say your SO was addicted to something or was trying to reach a goal. Say studying everyday for X number of hours to get into law school. She goes 5 days with great productivity. but on the 6th day, relapses (because shes been addicted to procrastinating) and decides to do other things instead. Then she tells you and you go sleep in the living without saying anything.

I'd love for anyone to answer this.

 

I think @EyesWideOpen's point was that if he uses porn it devastates her, and if she shops it has no effect upon the bf, hence they are NOT the same.

Also, not all girls like makeup and girly stuff. And you're also stereotyping. My husband is the biggest cuddler, seriously sometimes I can't get him to stop. I am usually the one more interested in sex. So it depends on the person and their individual values. Maybe his girlfriend loves sex just as much if not more than him?

And the argument of him giving up sexually betraying his gf is the same as her stopping shopping is very... inaccurate, stupid, pointless. We are talking about addiction here, so unless she is addicted, no example would be equal. Porn and sex addiction isn't about sex, it's about escaping reality and living in fantasy.

Also, who is to say there are not many supportive girlfriends out there? I was my husbands girlfriend before I decided to marry him knowing he was an addict. There have been ton's of SO's on here willing to support their partner and learn about porn addiction. It's tough, but I've seen some really brave and empowering women on here, putting 110% effort into the relationship and into healing the relationship despite the agony their addicted partners put them through. And judging a partner based on whether they might want to break up with their addicted partner by saying the addict should end it? I am sorry but don't we partners have equal rights like the addict? Both parties in the relationship should know what they are able to handle. If she is able to handle and is strong enough to endure the pain of being the partner of a porn or sex addict then she can make that decision. I am not sure you quite understand the depth of the pain the partners feel, over and over again with each slip, each relapse, and each lie. So the addict is responsible for getting into recovery and being honest and accountable and the partner of the addict is responsible for knowing what they can and cannot handle and making a decision for themselves to take care of themselves if it comes down to that. It's really that simple.

There will be hurt on both sides. The pain, shame, embarrassment, guilt on the addicts side from being caught in an addiction and hurting their SO. The pain, confusion, trauma, shame, embarrassment on the SO side of being the partner of an addict and feeling not enough. Both sides are hurting, really it comes down to communication, honesty, accountability, reliability and the desire to make the relationship work despite the pain.

Punishment should not be going on. Punishing partners (whether the addict or SO) never helps and only hurts. "see how she likes a taste of her own medicine" is such a punishing thought. She is hurt, confused, trying to deal with her own emotions and not take them out on her boyfriend. She did better than I did in the beginning, I'll tell you that. Honestly, both sides have a right to their pain. He understandably can be hurt because he wants to know his gf is going to be there for him (I know my husband lied out of fear of losing me, but once dday happened and he realized I wasn't leaving, even when I was hurt, he was assured). She understandably has a right to her pain of feeling betrayed when all she wants is a faithful partner.

 

It could, who knows. She does value something with him. He could stop doing that and act passive aggresive (with whatever she values) and see how she feels about it. Would she say "you are not being supportive about the thing I value?" and would any of you just say to her "well, you don't care about your bfs feelings"

Why is it all about her and not about OP?

Again as I gave the example, if your SO is addicted to chronic procrastination and has stopped moving forward in life. She then gets enough juice to have a 5 day productive streak only to "relapse" on the 6th day. How would you feel OP? I'd love the answers to this question from anyone who has supported her on this thread.

Exactly and to act passive aggressive in that manner only seems manipulative on her part.

OP took responsibility on his part, why not her to take responsibility on her part?

Why are her feelings worth more than his?

You say you have equal right, yet you are shirking responsibility on her part and only justifying her feelings.

And yes, whilst empowering women are on here including you, it means they have found their way to help but they are in the minority imo. I have seen far more who are concerned with their life and not necessarily of that of a SO. Its a shame but this is the real world.

The way you describe, it would honestly be better if she just cut it off with OP completely. Why go through that pain, because of love? They are partners, not married yet.

It would hurt in the short term but much more productive for both in the long term.

And yes the addict too could and probably should end it. When you don't have supportive people in a positive direction and then they act passive aggressive and a pattern emerges, sometimes you should put yourself first and end it.

Each relapse need not be painful and whatever else you are ascribing to it. The more encouraging thing I have found was actually receiving a pat on the back because I went one day without porn. That one day turned to multiple days and to the pressure to remove myself from porn decreased where it got easier and easier. Thats the difference between support and punishing someone else.

And both sides need not be hurting or whatever else. OP seems like a good guy. Hes gone 5 days. You probably realise it by now, 5 days is a lot for some individuals who have been watching porn for 10+ years and never had two days in a row with it.

Some not even a day's break.

I feel all the partner had to say was "I'm genuinely happy you went 5 days, I'm little sad and feel disappointed that you relapsed but you made it to 5 days. I think you can go on for longer. You can make us proud!"

That should have made all the difference.

@PastaTherapy I'd love to know your thoughts.

 

@Physicist I am confused as to what she did that was manipulative? The OP said that she got up and left saying she was hurt. To me, that was highly mature. She didn't start yelling or calling him names, she separated herself to compose herself before coming back to bed. Honestly, I am impressed with how well she handled it.

Well to each their own, a lot of SO's who genuinely care about their relationship and marriage didn't bail. But remember, some of the SO's or wives see porn as cheating, and they find out 10 years of lies and betrayal... if you were married or in a serious long term relationship and you found out your entire relationship was a lie and caught your gf/wife cheating, would you stay? Would you have the strength to forgive and be supportive? Just something to think about.

And if it's better for her to leave, boy did I make a mistake marrying my husband! (note the heavy sarcasm) It seems like the OP has been honest with his gf. My husband (bf at the time) lied to me! But seriously? Love is not something to be discarded. It also depends on how long this relationship has lasted. Most women don't throw away a relationship that has lasted longer than a year because they've invested so much.

Also being supportive is not the same thing as being a cheerleader. I have supported my husband incredibly through this, and I've yelled, cried, broke down at times, and he understands because he lied and betrayed me. He knows I have every right to feel my pain. I always say I am not trying to shame you or make you feel guilty but I need your support too right now, I am triggered and could use some comfort. So this gf might want the bf's support at some point. Maybe that's a hug, maybe that's space until she works through her feelings. Relapses are painful for SO's, we experience betrayal every time there is a slip or relapse, most feel cheated on. We can be as supportive as possible (like when I tell my husband how proud I am of him being over a year free of PMO, but it doesn't take away the pain) and still experience pain. Both partners feelings should be allowed in the relationship. Running or suppresing and repressing negative feelings to put on a happy cheerleader face is never the answer and far more damaging (I know this from personal experience. I tried to be the perfect support, hiding my pain- it didn't work.)

No matter if the gf had said, "I am proud you made it five days, I feel hurt that you relapsed" that doesn't address her pain. If he is allowed to talk about his pain and relapses, she should be able to express her pain to the depth that it runs. Who knows what happened when she left the room? What if she broke down crying? I've done that where I am the happy cheerleader to my husband and left the room to break down from the pain, trying to not make him feel bad about hurting me, but that doesn't work. (my husband has used 10+ years 2-3 times per day, so I know how amazing it is to not use for 5 days in a row.)

Both people should be supported because while he is going through a reboot recovery, she and other SO's go through betrayal trauma recovery and also need a "cheerleader." Often the partners are forgotten in the experience of a recovering addict. Both parties in the relationship need healing and support and should be able to express themselves in a healthy manner.

 

This is hardly mature. For a person to be addicted to porn for years then go on a 5 day streak but relapse does not need that reaction. Its not helpful.

I even put it in my post to you. Why not just say "I'm very happy you went 5 days but I understand you relapsed. It is a little disappointed and hurtful to me but I'm glad you are doing this for us. I hope you go for 500 days and beyond"

Now THAT would have been mature.

To leave and saying "i'm hurt" is passive aggressive and selfish. OP had a right to be angry. Hes trying his best. The last thing he needs is someone just leaving cause he slipped up.

Again, reverse the roles and OP was a girl who was addicted to something and her bf responded in that manner. Would you change your advice then?

I defined and still define cheating as physical intimacy with another person when you have mutually agreed to be anonymous, not watching pornography.

I have gotten myself secure to the point where if that were the case it wouldn't bother me. I tool enough responsibility to make myself secure and esteemed to the point where if someone was doing that behind my back it wouldn't affect me, personally. I would do everything to help them and to support them if they came up and admitted, least of all walk out if they relapsed.

Note: its marriage, I clearly made that clear in my first post.

Also have a look at sunk cost fallacy when you say "don't throw away because people have invested so much"

This is OP we are talking about and his relationship and situation.

Again, a hard pill to swallow, but where is her responsibility? Does it only lie to herself?

Maybe you oughta change your mindset too. Consider you also have a choice to stop carrying baggage? If "triggers" were also so easy to make someone feel a certain way, no porn addict could every give up porn.

And yet, maybe she should stop at first perhaps put him first because he needs it? Can she not wait for her pain to be addressed eventually?

This isn't cheerleading, its basic psychology. Positive reinforcement only encourages a person to repeat his behaviour, in this case OP going on longer streak. The nature of the game is to help the situation, thereby also implicitly helping herself.

Read between the lines. There is cheerleading and then there is positive reinforcement.

Cheerleading would imply going along with everyone of his fuck ups. Reinforcement would mean to strategically engineer an environment where PMO is eliminated.

I say it again, no where in the OP's post this implies his 5 day streaks are a REPEATED PATTERN.

 

I await

Note: I'm not saying you should break up with her. I'm saying if there is a repeated pattern of the same behaviour on her part, its saying more about her than you and perhaps you should think about your relationship differently if that were the case.

I completely support you. Relationships tend to add another variable in the recovery process so some give and take needs to happen. If I were you Id concentrate on your goals and your purpose and do everything to execute them so you move in the right direction. And not compromise for anyone. Then I'd worry about everything else after.

 

It may seem selfish, but is it better for her to take space to collect her thoughts and emotions? Or is it better for her to start yelling at him in that moment expressing all the grief she might be feeling? Saying "I'm hurt" is the most surface level way to express her pain. Maybe her real thoughts are, "Every time you use you are killing me inside because I feel you don't love me" or something. Wouldn't that be mean to say and selfish? Wouldn't you rather if your gf/wife would take a breath to collect her thoughts, come back when she is calm? I think a partner yelling is more potentially harmful than a partner leaving the room to collect herself and be able to come back to bed.

Just because you define cheating that way, does not mean everyone does. To me, porn is cheating. To some it's the lying that is more of the betrayal, again to each their own. So to go to your standard, your gf/wife is a sex addict and for years was sleeping with prostitutes/ male strippers/ any anonymous sex she could get with men, and you discovered it? Would you be able to sit back and be supportive if she said, "Hey sweetie, I made it five days without having sex with another man, but I slipped up today and ended up having sex with a co-worker," how supportive would you be then? Would you be able to say, "I am so happy you made it five days without acting out, but hearing that you slept with your coworker is painful," and that be the end of the conversation?

and yes they aren't married, but we as readers don't know how long they've been together, how serious they are. We don't know if they've discussed marriage or not. My point is if you truly love someone, and are capable of sticking through hard times, then you shouldn't just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble.

To this point, both parties as I have stated have a right to their feelings. Both parties take responsibility for their actions. We are all human beings (aka IMPERFECT). We are emotional creatures that need and crave connection. Porn breaks that connection in some relationships and that is devastating. Seriously, please watch the betrayal trauma video's and come back with a response.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/understand-betrayal-trauma.128063/

He is an addict and has to own his addiction. If she is feeling betrayal and pain she owns that. Her not yelling was honestly amazing. Her being able to step away and not take her anger out on him was so impressive. In the midst of high emotions it's incredibly difficult to control temper and emotions, so for her to walk away to clear her head before coming back was very mature and much better than I did in the beginning.

This is ... I am sorry if I am about to come off mean, but addicts are selfish. Addiction is selfish by nature. Addicts take and take and hurt those around them time and time again. At the point where an addict hurts or destroys the person they claim to love, it's time for them to put their needs aside to attend to the wounds they caused. I am not saying the OP did this, but in general, addicts hurt those around them and once they take ownership of that hurt, that's when healing can start for a couple. Again, it's mentioned in the video's. But by her reaction of asking, saying she was hurt and leaving to handle her emotions, I think that was her putting his needs first. At least for me, when I would be in the worst pain of my life because of my husband and would say how proud I was of him, and then when I could on my own breakdown so he wouldn't know, that was me putting his needs first. I was hiding my pain, knowing that he wouldn't like seeing it, so he could feel supported in a tough time.

Also, I know tons about psych. Yes positive reinforcement, but again we are all humans and can't get it right 100% of the time (again mentioned in the videos).

And again we don't know the history of the relationship. We don't know if he has lied, we don't know if he was honest from the beginning, we don't know his relapses. But for partners, it's painful to hear about a slip-up or relapse. We can only do so much to say we are proud and encourage the addict to continue recovery without making ourselves and feelings disappear.

Anyways the three video's in that thread might let you empathize with the partners perspective and understand where most partners are coming from.

 

This sounds like the unfortunate reality :/

Sometimes when we screw up we want to lash out at the person that we are apparently changing for, like its their fault we're going through this struggle and "How can't they understand how hard it is??" "Why aren't they more supportive??". In the end though, its yourself that you were really upset with, her reaction to your relapse just provided a timely outlet for your frustration. Recognize that this is your addiction trying to keep control and make you believe that all this shit you're going through isn't really worth it. Remember that you are changing for yourself and while the support of a SO through the process can be helpful, it isn't necessary for success.

The second part of this statement has proven to be very helpful in my reboot and recovery:

"If the situation was reversed and you found out that she had been lying to you and sneaking around getting sexual gratification from looking at other men, fantasizing about other men, etc etc and couldn't or wouldn't get sexual pleasure with you, how would you feel?"

Take a second, every day, every time you get frustrated or heated about your SO's opinion on this issue and think to yourself:

What would it be like to be my partner?

Try to see things from her side of the fence. Climbing over to her side, her perspective, will give you a new vision of yourself.

And smile, You Can Do It!