My Girlfriend cheated on me help

Just because an affair wont affect the mans sexual template does not replace the immoral act of having an affair. Sure its conceivably worse to himself but the transition of having an affair with another person is damaging towards the woman who supported him and she should leave.

 

She should leave either way, but women keep dreaming.

 

Yes.

Do you really love someone if you are perfectly fine with inflicting horrendous pain and trust issues in them? No woman wants to be sloppy seconds to her partners porn girls.

Which studies? She is a 19 year old girl. Her mental maturity is certainly not at its peak. The same can be said for a 19 year old boy. We don't know her as a person. She might turn out to be a serial cheater, but she might also learn from her mistakes and better for it. He might return to porn addiction, but he might also learn from it and be a superior partner and an outstanding young man. I see no reason to believe (from the info he provided) that either of them are beyond saving and tarnished for life.

No, good men are the best thing in the world. I choose to spend my life with one of them, that's how much I cherish and adore their kind.

Yes, I do know it's about 30 percent. I do think it's bad, as it causes vaginal dysfunction and I would consider it cheating for a woman to do it behind a partners back.

As for women getting courted by men on social media... If my partner gets hurt, that's a problem. In my case, my husband really didn't like it, so I removed all my social media. He comes first, always.

Absolutely, this is terribly wrong and unfair. Men and boys have it difficult in today's society, there is absolutely no question about that. But you have to help me understand how that has anything to do with the subject we are discussing...?

that's exactly what I did. Please take your own advice, as it is excellent.

 

Just stumbled upon this. Offering my perspective, FWIW...

Cheating is never justified. She could've dumped you and that would've been it, BEFORE starting a relationship with the other dude. She would've shown more character that way.

However, 80% of divorces being initiated by women (and I don't, for a second, think they were all abused...actually, sometimes, they DO gravitate towards the abusive guy again and again instead of dumping him...), don't be surprised that many are very good at somehow justifying their behavior. Men are worse when it comes to these mental gymnastics, and most won't tell their woman that she "wasn't there for him" or whatever other ridiculous justification they come up with. It's more refreshing to hear a guy admit he was an idiot/pig, even though they did the same crime.

Again, not all women are like that (regardless of what the "red pill" tells you), but being at the receiving end of a divorce (it didn't involve cheating and it practically ended my 3-4 years clean streak) out of nowhere ("It's not you, it's me..." - the classic one-liner), opened my eyes about the true nature of many.

It's funny that one chick (mid-thirties) was afterwards trying to noose me - I was still recovering and very clear that our relation will only be platonic. She acted surprised, trying to convince me I misread her; sure enough, months later she admitted to liking me. When, again, I repeated the same thing (I never treated her in any manner that would encourage her thinking about ronance), it was amazing how suddenly her "loving" words turned into pure venom. Jekyl & Hyde. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." - she will stab you in the back, then tell you to your face that it was your fault for stumbling and felling on the knife, while a guy you have a conflict with will punch you in the face. I'll take #2 any day of the week.

Single for almost two years now, had plenty of occasions for flings with women of all ages, but for me sex exists only in marriage.

Don't put her on a pedestal, she is not worth it. No woman is worth trampling your own dignity.

Sincerely,
A guy (somewhat) on the lookout for a unicorn or single for life

 

Sorry, but I can't understand this.

Yes - I consider viewing porn cheating (I'm stricter than some women). So much, that I even understand why a woman would divorce her husband for doing it, as a repeating offender. Yes, I am being somewhat subjective and own it.

However, taking it from pixels into the physical realm is an escalation, by any *objective* measure. Once again: *objective*.

Would you prefer him gifting you an STD or two as well? Can he father a child with a PC display? What if he looks at 500 women online, is he still safe then - or what is the threshold (subjectivity increasing)? Would him being caught once justify his wife going out and having sex with some guy? Will a website claim rape a few months later and drag him into a lengthy legal process? Could he be stabbed by a "John" and leave you in debt with hospital bills, and a few kids? Could he be arrested for viewing regular porn? Could he be arrested for indecent exposure in his own bathroom? Will you feel ridiculed the same if your life partner is dishonest and goes to jail and it becomes public, as you feel when you catch him being dishonest?



"They have no empathy." - maybe so, or maybe, women, filtering everything through their emotions, are less objective? Do you really understand an addict's mind, him being able to "compartmentalize" (even though he's WOEFULLY wrong: "I'm not hurting anyone, it's not real-life, it's just animalic - I still love my wife." - stupid, stupid, I'll give you that), his behavior?

Do you think that an addict, whom probably was into porn before he met you, whom is being told by so many sources "it's fine, everyone does it" (of course, false and wrong), will *objectively* view him persisting in something like that being as "bad" as going out and having sex with a living, breathing woman?

Finally, should a man feel cheated as well when his wife is addicted to sugar or fast food, because she is putting the high she gets from eating like that stuff over him? Should a man keeping in awesome shape go out and have sex with another woman because his wife likes cake more than being healthy and catering to his biologically-driven attraction towards healthy partners, something that he cannot change?

I never faced any of these issues in my marriage, but I'm thinking out loud: where do we stop with subjectivity? No disrespect.

 

I watched the whole thing. Spot on.

Lilly is right too, men don't know how deal with cheating. We disconnect in order to get away from it.

The best way to test a guy pre-marriage is to ask this question: why are people unfaithful while saying they "love" their partners? If he answers with ANYTHING having to do the relationship, then you know he doesn't understand this important question.

But ask the same guy: why does a married guy do porn? If he answers ANYTHING that has to do with his relationship with his partner, then you can see he has a cognitive disconnect. That's what Porn causes.

I talked at length with a fellow guy on nofap who shared that he even as a swinger couple got hurt when his girlfriend has sex WITHOUT TELLING THEM. In other words, whatever the agreement, betrayal stings.

The same guys who scream "dump" her, are likely ones who would drop a girl who had bulemia, or anexoria. They won't admit it, but any flaw or blemish hurts their image of themselves, thus the lady has to go. And yes, the preocupation with the image of their woman is just as important as the woman themselves... these are the after effects of pornization to a certain degree.

 

Your answer makes no sense to me. Aren't you currently cheating on your wife with multiple girlfriends and escorts? Not judging, just trying to make sense of your response.

 

Thanks for following my story , no offense taken. Can I ask—What doesn’t make sense to you?

I don’t see you reference anything from my post. Is your question about me or my opinion?

If it’s my post—then explain what you don’t understand?

I’d he happy to discuss my situation in any of the threads I have created. This isn’t mine so I apologize if answering your attempt at discrediting me detracts from the subject at hand.

I think you are committing a common fallacy which is to tell an addict “ you are still acting out so just be quiet until you have fixed yourself.”

Here’s why:
The benefit of a group session is to relate one addict to another, build trust and open up or expose the addicts short-circuited thinking.

Nofap has allowed me to make the amount of changed I never believed was possible. I didn’t share with people mostly because they were too sheltered to understand where I was. Then nofap helped me tremendously. In fact i share the nofap success in my life with my friends and family without any shame because I have
seen it works.

It works provided we share.

In other words the power to beating addictions lies in honest, intimate sharing of our pain, struggle and misbeliefs with each other.

I’m not above taking criticism of course , it’s why I took the risk of sharing.

I think it’s amazing i have to explain this but the “aren’t you still cheating” suggests the person keep silent. Right?

So in a circle this big, silence would mean very few talk openly. I wouldn’t suggest you encourage that since it’s counter-productive. Silence prolongs the addictive cycle.

Imagine if the guys who never join nofap had to hear and answer your question—-
would they ever speak up ?
Would they be shamed into silence ?
Why can’t a person dealing with this EXACT topic speak up exactly?

Let me see. Everyone here hasn’t cheated thus they are subject experts in cheating?

Hopefully you’d see quickly, if anyone were to lead a round table discussion of addicts with this assumption it would end miserably because the expectation is both unrealistic and insulting.

I have tried the “fix yourself first route” and am not at all impressed with its results. Quite honestly it only leads to relapse or other issues. Yes I remain separated on paper going on 6 years.

My goal is not to impress you, but to give you a sneak peak to understand the “why” behind the addict decisions and routines.

I still have lots of pieces that I am methodically identifying, doing root cause analysis and eliminating. As a result of a turtle pace, I find it diminishes my anxiety to rush to “fix myself.”

Feel free to imagine a scenario where people quit all their addictive tendencies instantly and then they share— glad to read about those shining examples of instant buff ness but that’s not my experience and likewise I have not had any relapses Either. A constant plodding, plugging away is what I have seen works.

I have grown more in the past 98 days than in the past 20 years. So no, I won’t be silent.

The way to healing requires sharing.
Try to heal your own scars without speaking about them. Let me know how that goes.

 

I referenced your entire post. None of it made sense to me. But I'll just use one part of it here to make my point because I see that my words have angered you. While that was not my intent, it does make me wonder why it garnered such a strong reaction. Do you not own your own actions? You are actively and unremorsefully cheating on your wife, yet you say men don't know how to deal with women cheating on them. There is a huge disconnect in your words there. It is pretty hard to see advice from someone living directly opposite from their words as legitimate. It's hypocrisy in it's finest form. It doesn't mean the advice isn't actually good advice, but it feels tainted. Most people wouldnt want an overweight doctor that eats greasy, fatty foods and just had a heart attack telling them to eat healthy and exercise to live a long life. Good advice but the source is hypocritical.

Nowhere did I imply that active addicts should shut up, sit down, and be quiet, nor have I ever. I never said you should sit down and shut up. Didn't even come close. You may be feeling convicted by some of the things I said to you, but don't put words in my mouth.

I'll leave it at that and not engage any further about this so as not to derail the thread more than it has been and honestly, I don't think our interactions about it will produce anything fruitful.

 

Clarifying:
I am not upset, I think my tone was measured, balanced and rhetorical.

Which opinion are you advocating?

Active addicts should speak up? Or that active addicts should not because they are not “clean”?

You literally described both points of view while discrediting me for speaking up.
smh.

 

To EyesWideOpen: Have you thought about the "fat doctor" example this way: "He's fat and eats a lot of junk, therefore he is the right person to talk about obesity and healt issues that follows if you dont. He knows the importance of eating healty, because he has a personal experience what would happen, and how it affects you, if you dont."
Your opinion is taken neutrally if someone asks it. In this case person who started this thread asked for advice, knowing about the addictive problems people have here. Need4realchg didnt ask you, how you feel about hes cheating, but you still draged that into this conversation in order to diminish hes advice or opinion about things.
What im trying to say is, that your opinion is valued when asked. Even if I make a mistake, it doesnt mean that im not to be taken seriously because I made that mistake. No, because of that mistake, I know better and are competent about talking/teaching/warning others not to do the same mistake.

 

I'd rather take the advice of a fat doctor that changed his life around . Maybe get a few pointers form him!

 

Thanks but for the record—I’m a work in progress. Not even 50% complete. My metric is the 34.5 weeks it takes to regain the gray matter in your brain.

My nofap mentor—
@1dayattatime likes to say “progress not perfection”—- which means I must be brutally honest about where I am— and some can’t stand it; others relate with it.

Like she implies; I fantasize i could fix everything in one day , but realized it is a Hollywood fantasy. I am sure someone has done it and kudos—- but this expectation is self control on a masters-degree level however at 100 days I am getting out of high school with basic mental functions.

So—-I can’t even advocate that. It’s idealistic and can lead to relapses which are demoralizing and prolong the healing process.

In fact— I think women SO’s who have multiple D-day experiences have them for this exact reason. They freaked out at the level 1 revelations. They expected their guy could skip several years ahead to the post graduate classes. Their guy saw this then he shuts down. Now they have to wait weeks or months for d-day 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

For me, it be juggling 3 different addictions.

I chose to break it down into sections and am dealing with the Pmo first I try to understand the trauma and motivation in each addictive behavior or trigger each without freaking out about why i yearned for it. I enjoyed the developmental psychologist who described repression almost always fails with any type of addiction. But reframing has a high success rate. I can cite him if you need. Knowledge has helped me reframe my struggle.

That’s why shame is stupid. It does not fucking help anyone. Not the women who are affected by it, or the men who mindlessly do it.

Do what you can manage. Get to the root. Cheating is no different.

i know we are mostly addicts here but who of us isn’t awesome at faking?

I was a ninja at hiding my addiction in plain sight. I decided to humble myself and expose my thinking. Not glorify it.

My focus was on eliminating pmo first , and she’s right I have just gotten to place where I can begin addressing root causes for my acting out behaviors.

Doing it in stages may feel longer but less relapsing is better long term when we are rewiring our synaptic threads. The longer the reboot the stronger the new synapses and the more pruning (removal of old ones we will have). Lots of good studies on this.

I personally have seen the changes in my brain’s chemistry that shows dual hemispheric healing. I went years unable to cry, and did so for the first time during this first 100 days. I was so elated.

The SO’s who sometimes pour their frustrations out on addicts here (like me) have their own reasons for doing so. I try to no longer take it personal.

Even taking out their frustrations out via an online forum is EXACTLY what we as porn Addicts do. We would convert our pain into a pMo sessions. So—- we should be more sensitive to that, not trash them for doing it.

I get it. I really do. I just know we can ALL be more than that if just share without the loaded guns pointed at each other.

I’m here for healing in the end and I hope I can further that.

 

There is no excuse for cheating. She cheated because she wanted to cheat. If she did not like the relationship, she should've ended it. Porn however puts a big dent on a woman's self esteem, especially if pmo is preferred to her. Nevertheless, actually cheating, for 3 months is a huge flaw, no matter what happened.

You don't need to play the "reassure you love me" game. The person that needs reassurance is actually the person that is not interested in the relationship and is moving away. It's a projection mechanism most of the times.

But watching porn is also a form of cheating, just not as bad as physically cheating, especially if it's been physical for a while and the other person didn't come forward.

 

Not that i don't agree with you because you do have some good points, but if a woman cheats because the man did this and that, then a man cheats (including porn use) because the woman did this and that.

You can't separate reality from fantasy like that. By your logic sexually fantasizing regularly that you're having sex with a child (but never acting on it) would be totally fine.

 

Just saw this quality piece of comedy right there. I refuse to accept this could actually be naivety.

In other words, women are these angelic creatures that never cheat, unless they are driven by evil males into some other dude's arms. Is this real life?

How about simply getting out of "the relationship they don't want", or one where "they are not seen by their partner emotionally and sexually" before having sex with a more "attentive" partner (assuming they vetoed him that quickly, especially in the case of a one-night-stand)? With access to no-fault divorce, initiating 80% of divorces out of which they can get most of that dude's stuff, why not just leave the chump? I guess because of altruism, right?

(FWIW - I've never been cheated on but I live in the real world and had to deal with backstabbers on heels. In my world, there are whoremongers, as well as whores.)

 

Glad for your progress and success with the remaining.

 

It's NEVER the man's fault if a woman cheats, it doesn't matter how bad the relationship is or how bad she wants out. I NEVER implied that. A cheater must take 100% of the responsibilities for her actions. I've been treated horrendously in a relationship, but I would never ever cheat. It's up to me to leave. NOWHERE did I say women can't be absolutely vile, evil and backstabbing, of course they can (and some men would by very surprised about just how much).

Lastly, why women gets so much assets in a divorce is a subject that keeps popping up in all kinds of threads, even if it has nothing to do with the subject discussed. NOWHERE did I, or anyone, state that this practice should be supported. It's commonly known that women have it way easier than men in certain instances, and that unjust practices that favour us are common.

Understanding women and justifying their actions is not the same thing.

 

Cheating happens when people stay in relationships out of fear: fear of leaving the comfort zone, fear of loneliness, fear of losing the conveniences of a shared household.

Obviously a guy getting attached to someone taken has a problem as well, as he usually doesn't see what is going on and believes the intentions of the cheater are honest. They aren't, every escapade is a lie. In fact in every love triangle there is one cheater and two guys (or two girls) getting cheated on.

Of course, if it's a woman cheating, they like to blaming everything on the men as usual. But it's her problem not being able to build a complete monogamous relationship and just having purpose-oriented connections she is afraid of leaving behind.

The girlfriend of the OP needs to sever both connections and get along alone for a while. A thing I bet you she never has done once in her life. And the men need to get together talking about what happened to them to lose their delusions about her, then drop her both. Because none of them are going to get something real from her.

 

Well, you gave two reasons for which women cheat. They both pointed back to the man. I did not realize those were not the "comprehensive look" you had upon this phenomena. It seemed like it.

However, thank you for clarifying everything in your post. I was skewed to think the previous ones have been written by a feminist of the raging kind ("you are evil because you are a man") - hence why, like a broken record, I lamented the treatment men usually get in the courts.

Mucho respecto.