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My Girlfriend cheated on me help

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Adidas trackies, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. Adidas trackies

    Adidas trackies Fapstronaut

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    It's been so hot and cold with my girlfriend after she found out I was watching porn very late last year. This year about 3 months ago I told I still occasionally watch porn when I'm feeling low (one way cam shows in particular). I agreed and promised to no more porn and have kept that promise.
    This is where it gets complicated, we've seen a psychologist for both our relationship and my anxiety during sex issues, and spoken about porn too. During these three months we've both shed a lot of tears but I've felt that I've really put in so much more effort into the relationship than I used to, shown how I feel about her and improved a lot of aspects to our sex life. We have however had rather large fallouts when it comes to me trying to reassure her about my feeling forwards her and that porn hasn't in anyway made me less attracted to her! She gets very upset and leaves.

    Now I'm absolutely gutted and confused because I just found out that during these 3 months and some extra, she's been seeing, sleeping with and forming a relationship with another man.
    I'm torn because I loved her so much I was willing to completely change my behaviour and see a psychologist in order to strengthen our relationship, and Ive put in so much time and effort. I feel almost as though it's my fault she cheated because I betrayed her trust that first time. I don't know what to do!!!
     
    Omeed, hardowner, PeterJL and 2 others like this.
  2. 1.Stop talking to her
    2.Complete day 90 challenge
    3.Self investing (exercise, reading etc)
    4.I dont know you in person try to be financially successful or something or complete a obstacle course/marathon
    5.Make her regret for cheating on you.
     
    hardowner, Nugget9, Sr20 and 10 others like this.
  3. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    My suggestion is to leave her and move on with your life ASAP!
    If she has been cheating on you already, she will likely do it again, no matter how much she tries to tell you how sorry she is about it. She will play on your feelings and maybe offer you some more sex in order to get you back and still have control over you while she continues cheating like she previously did.
    It is now you actually have to man up, put the foot down and tell her that you are a man of value (not a cuck) who doesn't accept such behavior and that she can go and look for another man. Don't fall into her traps again and let yourself get betrayed and beaten the same way again.

    Then, move on with your life and set high goals that you intend to achieve one step at a time. By continually moving forward in life as a man, you will get plenty of satisfaction and don't feel the need to seek any woman's approval. By having that mindset, comfort with yourself and confidence, they will have to chase your approval and time instead.
     
    hardowner, Sr20, Jonny1992 and 6 others like this.
  4. True this aint no time to be sentimental
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant

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    Let’s just hope her new boyfriend isn’t a porn addict too.
     
  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry this happened to you. It looks like your girlfriend felt so bad about herself that she tried to find relief and reassurance in another man. Porn is a huge blow to a woman's self worth and femininity. That fact obviously doesn't make her actions okay in any way, shape or form. But it tells us that her cheating on you probably doesn't mean that she doesn't want the relationship, she just doesn't know the proper way to deal with her emotions and she has chosen to cope in an absolutely, 100% unacceptable way.

    Two wrongs certainly doesn't make a right, but if you love this girl you should explain to her that you are willing to give it all to make it work. That means she has to give it her all too. You can start afresh and work hard to put these things behind you; it's definitely possible, many couples have done it and got out on the other side even closer than before. There are a lot of books about how to build a strong relationship after infidelity (to a woman, porn awakes the same emotion and hurt as infidelity does); John Gottman and Esther Perel are perhaps the most famous authors on the topic.

    The notion "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true. There are plenty of cases where spouses have resorted to extramarital affairs due to extreme emotional distress and not because they do not love their partner (or even really want another guy/girl). These people often find their actions so appalling (once they get out of their depressed state) that they never even think of cheating again and become better partners just because of their experience.

    Don't give up just yet. I know it hurts and it hurts like hell, but it will get better. You quitting porn is the most loving gift you could have given her, and no matter what, you have proven yourself to be a better man. Now let her prove that she can be a better woman too.
     
  7. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Exactly! In the long run (even after going separate ways) she will respect him more for putting her into her place and he will feel better about himself too for having the guts to stand up for himself and not getting treated like a disposable toy.
    The more men who grow a pair and kick their girlfriends/women out of the relationship after displaying such behavior are also doing other men, women and society as a whole a great favor. It sends the signal to other men that this is what you should do and to the delusional women (who have received princess treatment their entire lives) that they actually have to take responsibility for their actions too and that actions have consequences attached to them.
     
  8. This is not about the gf anymore,shes history,this individual is just 22 he should stop investing in relationships and make something out of himself in life.Yea,I hope he completes 90 day challenge and transforms into a total stud.
     
  9. My guy give up on her,trust me.
     
  10. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Many guys on this forum seem to completely forget that they are porn addicts. Faced with the possibility that a female is looking for comfort in other men, they go ballistic. "Throw her out!" "Put your foot down!" "Don't put her on a pedestal!"

    But guess what; She didn't exactly get the princess treatment either. Watching porn behind your girlfriends back is cheating too, for some women it's even worse because there is so many other girls involved.

    The guy who started this thread openly confessed to his girlfriend. He has shown he is a man fully capable of owning up to his actions. For him, no matter what he choose to do with his relationship, it can only go up from here. Any woman with a man capable of quitting porn and turn his life around should consider themselves lucky.

    If we choose to look elsewhere for satisfaction and kicks, we need to welcome the possibility that our partners do the same. We can never expect more loyalty than we are willing to provide. A woman who's feminity isn't appreciated at home will be inclined to get that attention she is missing from other men. It doesn't make it right, not even a little, but it's definitively worth considering the next time you feel like visiting cam girls.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
  11. Walk away, to me there is a huge difference in PMO and being intimate with another human. They are worlds apart.
     
  12. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    .......to men.

    Just one of the things I have learned here. Women do not think like men in this issue. To many, as said above, porn use is like cheating with 1000's of other women.

    I'm not saying that the Man's perspective is wrong exactly, I too think cheating is a whole world away from pictures, but it's not the whole picture.

    I do think the OP's relationship is likely over. Yes, he should continue with the reboot and more to get rid of what was (now) an obvious negative in his relationship. He should do that for him and any other future relationship. Just as it's a wife/girlfriend's choice on how to deal with porn use (stay, leave, support the porn user's recovery, etc) it is the OP's choice to break the relationship or try to heal it. Stay with the reboot either way, you will be better off for it, and your girlfriend (or Ex) might also be better of by seeing you succeed.
     
  13. It seems to me that to be in a real relationship one has to be prepared to give and love that person for who they are (I've never known any relationship really work out in the long term unless this is the case). But for this you have to first be relatively self-assured and secure in yourself. The relationship itself can be the process of each becoming whole and self-assured and secure, provided you are each able to provide support to each other when the other is down and hurting. From your description, it doesn't seem like you are able to really do that. That doesn't mean it cannot happen, but the prognosis is not good. It seems that you need time and space to heal and become whole again, get PMO under control, before you can really be ready to give and nurture a relationship. And of course this requires a very large heart to forgive another for their trespasses. You just have to ask yourself that question and follow your instinct. It will all work out well either way.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    They are both betrayal any way you look at it.
     
  15. @Adidas trackies
    Listen to those guys, since they spread the truth.

    I'm not actually surprised by @Lilla_My answer, it's just like women are.

    If someones cheat on you(even if we assume that watching porn is cheating, for me it's not since it's an addiction that should be treated like a drug or an alcohol addiction) then you either talk it over, try to fix the relationship or break up, latter is the best option in my opinion and your girlfiend did what? She decided to cheat on you, that's literally the worst thing you can do. What was it? An eye for an eye? When guy watches porn it's cheating, when woman **** other guy she's looking for an emotional support, is it some kind of joke? :p

    I do agree that "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater" is not true because once she enters menopause she won't cheat anymore :D
     
  16. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    True statement! This is a problem amongst many men today, especially younger ones who stop investing in themselves as soon as they enter a relationship because they think they are now safe, that their gf will give them unconditional love and hence don't need to improve themselves and move forward in life. They will later become very disappointed when their current gf have left them for some better man who actually invested in himself more than he ever did.
    This is why improving yourself and moving forward in life as a man is the best investment you can do. Not only does it make more and better women available with time but it also decreases the sense of neediness.
     
  17. Female logic:
    Man watches porn : Adultry
    Female fucks another guy : Needed Emotional support
    WTF
     
  18. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I doubt that you get it. People cheat for various reasons. Men watch porn for various reasons. It's not ok to go behind someone's back, that's the issue here. It's not ok for a woman to cheat just because she needs emotional support, and it's not okay for a man to watch porn behind his partners back just because he feels depressed or bored.

    It will not matter what woman you ask basically, a female that is in love with her partner will regard porn watching behind her back as adultery.
     
    Omeed, Ges852, Unsure and 3 others like this.
  19. @Adidas trackies First thing is to separate your PMO addiction from your cheating girlfriend. They have nothing to do with each other. Your GF cheats, because she knows she can get away with it. She will use any excuse to rectify her inappropriate behavior. Your PMO addiction just came in handy.

    The reason why a girl cheats is because you failed at keeping her in check, failed at setting borders of what behavior you accept form her. Your girl tests you daily, loses her attraction when you fail these tests and depending on her moral values goes looking elsewhere, while keeping you on standby until the new relationship is in place.

    The latter is inappropriate behavior and the guy she now cheating with is also failing at calling her out for that. He acquired himself a low quality mate, you should pity him for that and make your GF officially single.
     
  20. I think life will be less complicated if he just breaks up and avoids contact with her
     
    QuittingPMOforever likes this.

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