Moving Forward

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by karow, Aug 6, 2018.

  1. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    My story...
    Warning, not holding this back, so may contain triggers...

    Not really sure how to go about journaling... I should start at the beginning, but I can't remember the first time I hurt due to my husband's porn use. It has been painful from the start. I remember seeing a crap ton of porn on his computer when I first moved in. Figured, well he had been single for a while makes sense. I remember realizing he continued to look at it a lot... I remember feeling frustrated with our sex life and his inability to hold an erection... I remember noticing that what he looked at was increasing in intensity... I remember feeling betrayed, lied to... I remember feeling inadequate... Feeling unloved... Unappreciated, unworthy... unsexy... I am struggling to think of a time when I didn't feel this way! I have been with my husband 15 years, married for 13. I struggle to remember a time when I didn't feel like shit. Though if I am honest most of these feelings started long before I met my husband. Poor self esteem has been a huge emotion for me for as long as I can remember.

    About 3 and a half years go I saw that my husband tried to contact someone to meet up with, using a message board for people with fetishes and kinks. He originally told me he was just meeting with her to find ways to introduce this lifestyle to me (oh just wait he tries to use that bullshit again). We went to counseling, we added date nights, I lost 40 pounds... And I said I was fine with him looking at porn and his fetishes, as long as he didn't contact someone. I wasn't fine, but I was afraid he would choose porn over me...

    1 week and 1 day go, I knew something was off... I didn't know what, but I could feel him distancing from me. This has hppened over and over. I would be busy, tired, or just wouldn't be there for him and he would detach from me. We would go into periods where we were just roommates- coparenting... I could feel it spiraling, so I decided to create an account to attempt to catfish him. I wanted to see if he would respond to someone asking to meet or communicate. I created a fake email me account on a site he often visited. Even went as far as to start joining groups so I would look legit. I broke down and realized that I couldn't go through with it... And didn't want to see if he would fall for it. I called him and talked to him about my worries of us falling apart (I was at a conference). When I got back we talked, we shared ways of incorporating his kinks in a way I felt comfortable. I felt better, like he listened to my concerns. He promised he hadn't and wouldn't contact anyone ever.
    The very next day, not even 12 hours from when he promised he never had or never would contact someone... my life shattered! I went on his computer to look up recipes, even texted him a picuture of our supper marinating. I went on an account that he used to share pictures and saw a message from a person who wanted my husband "plugged and locked" and asked how he was doing. My husband responded saying he was good, burning time at work, and asked "any dirty kinky thoughts"
    My husband continued by saying he made progress with me- the person asked how and I stepped in at that time and started messaging this person as if I were my husband. I later told this person that I was the wife and found out that this Person was training my husband's sissy side. My husband denied that he was cheating. He claimed he was trying to find ways to involve me with the sissy side that he wanted to explore. seriously what a fucking stupid explanation! Really? i had told him before I wasn't interested in Sissy stuff (he wants to be controlled, humiliated, forced to do things... I don't understand it!) so he thought if he tried it out on his own he would decide if he should try to encourage me... He had other equally as stupid explanations and was pissed that I didn't believe him. I wanted to scream do you think I am that big of a fucking idiot... But honestly I had been for YEARS! I was worried tht I would lose him if I didn't.
    I moved some of his things to another room, and told him we would pretend everything was okay until my daughter left for camp two days later, but he was not welcome in our bedroom. I told him the next week he would need to move out and I was filing for divorce.
    That night we had supper as a family without devices. My husband made promises and plans with our kids. I saw him in a way tht I hadn't in so long. I decided I needed to try for my kids.
    So that is about where we are now... I tried to find a support group for us, but everything was a bit too religious for my husband. And I don't think my husband truly feels he is addicted... He feels that looking was just him being "curious".
    He has an account on here. We agreed to no Pornography at all and only masturbation or orgasms with me. We have a lot to do. I am overwhelmed, but found great resources and lists from here already. Looking into counseling options too.
    I am so relieved to have found this forum. I feel like for the first time we are creating a plan tht we can actually follow. In the past we would say we will try to do this... Spend time together... Look at porn less and so on... But they were just empty promises. What we wanted to happen but never followed through with. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in a LONG TIME!
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2018
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  2. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @karow - really good job for your initial post. This addiction and all the associated stuff is so difficult. Let me start by saying how sorry I am that you are having to walk this journey. You didn't sign up for this, you don't deserve it. But you are facing it bravely and I seriously commend you for that.

    This journey is no where close to a straight line. There will be ups and downs, your husband is almost certain to disappoint you again in some way. Issues not even related to pmo will pop up and be difficult to work through.

    don't under estimate your own need for recovery. Recovery from the trauma if these years. And probably much else.

    Lastly know that this is possible. You each can do this thing. There is hope.
     
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  3. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, my husband is an amazing man, absolute worth the hard work. I am lost somewhere between worrying about the future, being angry in the past, and being lost in the emotional ups and downs of the present. Thank you again.

    anks
     
  4. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    Day 4 since life ended, day 2 since rebuild

    I feel happy and kindof confused by that. My hubby has been great. He is reading posts from here, we have connected, spending time as a family... now to keep this up. In the past we would go through streaks when we really connected, but life would happen and get in the way.

    I know we need to start working on both of our unresolved issues... family issues from childhood, trust, and self esteem. I worry though that bringing up tough stuff will ruin the bliss we are currently in.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    That's normal... To feel like any movement will pop the bubble.
    It sounds like you guys are off to a good start.
    Don't be afraid of progress, and know that 2 steps forward, one step back is "normal" around here, so please don't feel discouraged if this happens

    Good luck!
    -Kenzi
     
  6. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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  7. Is your husband on NoFap? What is his name? (or if you want it not-public .. have him send me a conversation message)
     
  8. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    He is, I am not sure if he is following my posts and journey. I will message you with his name in case he wants to keep separate from what I post. Thanks!
    I had told my husband to feel free to follow me, but I am trying to give him space and not follow him. One of our issues is that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I worry if he knows I can read what he writes he will hold back.
     
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  9. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    Last Friday when shit hit the fan, one thing I yelled at my husband was "I have plans for your birthday". I had plans to surprise him, recipes for treats to make, and even created a picture collage to share on social media. As I melted down from the betrayal I felt from him, I thought about not sharing these holidays with him and it hurt so much!

    Today is his birthday and I am happy to say I was able to surprise him and felt good about it. I hate my birthday, mother's day, Valentine's... all those holidays. My husband and I don't buy each other gifts and I am fine with that... but it still hurts when he doesn't attempt to make my celebrations special. For fathers day, I didn't do much for him... and he really wasn't bothered by it, but it bothered me. I like making his holidays special, I like my kids planning something for their dad to enjoy. Today when I surprised him at work, he genuinely seemed happy and appreciative by our surprise. It feels amazing to feel appreciated!
     
  10. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    I can't believe it has already been almost a week since our lives changed. I am so unbelievably proud of my husband. He is opening up, wanting to talk about tough topics, and not just sweep it under the rug. It is crazy that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in a relationship to be able to build a stolid foundation.
    I had to go into work today for a meeting, I have the summers off. I am really nervous about work starting back up again. Work consumes so much of my time and it leaves me emotionally drained. I worry how that stress will impact my relationship with my husband.

    Here are my work goals...
    1. Finish all work before coming home
    2. Be home by the time my husband is home
    3. Create timelines and begin large tasks weeks early... stop procrastinating
    4. Ask for help
    5. Make my family a priority... always!

    This list will be ongoing, but a place to start... now how to ensure and make this list as reality?
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
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  11. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    It has been one week since my life shattered. My husband has taken so many steps in such a short period of time to repair our marriage, or family, and himself. He is suggesting things for us to do as a family, talking about concerns, and supporting me in my fears. I know we have a long way to go, but I am already in shock how much our life has changed in a week... yes it took something incredibly painful to kick my husband into gear, but at least we are going in the right direction.
     
  12. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Hi @karow , how are things going? I hope everything is still on track for you both.
     
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  13. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for checking in! I so greatly appreciate it! Things are going really well. I was finally get back on here after a few days and will post.
     
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  14. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    It has been 2 and a half weeks since I felt my life completely crumble. Things have been good, great even! My husband has been listening to audio books on addiction, depression, and relationships. He is really working at this. Digging into tough things and feelings he had surpressed for years. I am so proud of him.
    I on the other hand, feel like I am in a weird honeymoon phase. It is almost like I want to stay in this feeling of happiness that I am not eager to rehash the hurt I felt through my husband's betrayal. I also am not working on building a future as I am too scared to think that he will choose porn over me again. So I am in a weird state of denial. Looking at the stages of grief, I went through shock and anger right away. Now I am in a blissful denial... my husband is working to move forward and I am just happily stuck. Scared what moving forward will mean. So I chose to just be in this happy state of everything is fine.
    My husband downloaded books to my tablet, I need to start listening to them, I know I need to move forward... build... heal...
    My husband is working through some really tough things. When things get tough he tends to block me out and is really quiet, this is when he resorted to PM in the past. I am scared this will push him again. I also know his thoughts and feelings are still there. If I am not ready to or don't want to participate in his fetishes and interests, will that push him again?
    I just want to go back to that blissful denial of last week.
     
  15. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Have you read the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means? It was very helpful for me because it helps you understand all you're feeling/going through. And, it does not follow the theory of SO of PA = codependent. It recognizes and explains the betrayal trauma and how it affects you. I think it would really be beneficial for your husband to read it as well so he, too, has a better understanding of your side.

    Glad things are on track for you guys. I hope you continue in this direction. :)
     
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  16. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! I will look into that.
     
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  17. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I can’t think of the term for it but there IS one for the initial feelings of happiness after DDAY ( after the right after ) I had that . Just be careful some of it wears off in the next few months following. I’ll try to find the term ! I’m glad it’s going well and he’s doing work !
     
  18. karow

    karow Fapstronaut

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    I know I need to work through my emotions, I am just struggling to want to dive in when everything's feels good right now. I started listening to the audio book "Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: the Essental Tools for Healing"
    My husband had already read it and encouraged me to read it so we can talk about it.
     
  19. I'm so sorry you're going through this...our dday was almost 2 months ago. I was aware of my husband's P use & chalked it up to normal "man" things. I had no clue the severity of it. Ultimatums were given & we began the road to recovery.

    My personal experience as the SO in the 2 months post dday, has been a whirlwind. The 1st 2 weeks post dday were absolute bliss. I too, have referred to it as the honeymoon period. My PA husband was being everything I'd ever wanted in a husband. Our sex life had never been better. I was weepy during this time, which gave my husband an abundance of opportunities to console me, which he did. It was magical. Week 3 came & the bottom dropped out. Seriously. One day it was like the light switch flipped off. He was beginning to focus SOLELY on his recovery & was exhibiting behaviors reminesant of PMO days. Head in phone constantly, gaslighting, etc. I was confident he was still sober, so this behavior was frustrating. Because he wasn't being consistent in OUR recovery, the anger I had yet to experience in the grief stages, reared its ugly head. No joke, for the last 3 weeks I have been a hot mess! Angry, sad, you name it.

    Fortunately, I found a CSAT counselor for my husband a couple of weeks ago. He went by himself last week for their first meeting. Smart me knew she wasn't going to wave her wand that 1st meeting & make my dream husband appear. Irrational me expected it to happen anyways & when it didn't, I got even angrier. I'm sure I looked like a raging lunatic & am almost embarrassed I let this situation do that to me! I had a coming to Jesus moment a couple of days ago, after some self-reflecting & receiving awesome resources from people on here. The normal anger stage I am supposed to feel after a fallout like this was exacerbated because I could not let go of the first two honeymoon weeks after dday. I created this illusion that the rest of our lives were going to be just as blissful as those 2 weeks.

    My husband & I needed each other after dday & it gave us a false sense of security. We had to learn the hard way that the honeymoon doesn't last forever. After joining my husband yesterday at his 2nd appointment with his therapist, I am convinced counseling/therapy/support groups for both parties is the only fool-proof way to get a better marriage & better self out of the betrayal & addiction. I 100% thought we could do it alone.

    I really hope your recoveries are super smooth...it sounds like your PA is on the right track! Reach out if you need anything :)
     
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  20. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    That's a great sign! It's one you don't see too often...him reading about healing your trauma first, and then recommending it to you.:)
     

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