Maybe it'll work out/Maybe it won't

Because your husband sounds so much like mine I’m going to tell you the difference when they are in recovery.
My husband no longer games. At all.
He goes to saa meetings 3 days a week and a private meeting with a group led by csat. He sees his counselor 2x a month. I have never asked him to go to the meetings or reminded him( which is pretty huge because of adhd and he forgets everything). He’s been doing that consistently for 3 years in January.
He acts like an adult and not a freaking 15 year old. He proactively takes care of things around the house, I do not have to ask. if I do ask for something, he gets up immediately and does it. If he says he will do it, he does it ( he use to say he’d do something then never do it). He asks me if I need help with anything. He initiates almost everything in our relationship from sex to Bible study to pulling out the feelings wheel to talk. He initiates, not me. He talks to me every day about where he is at in recovery but more importantly, he listens to me when I tell him how I feel and where I’m at in my recovery of his betrayal. He is rarely on his phone. Obviously he doesn’t take his phone in the bathroom anywhere. Not even at friends. He’s happy. Doesn’t have the mood swings and short fuse like before. He has always been a “ toucher” loves to cuddle, but now every day he asks if I’d like him to massage my back. I used to beg him before and he’d barely rub me then stop.,now he massages until I fall asleep. My gosh, there are days I feel like I’m a queen! The difference is astounding. Sex. Yeah, that’s the best it’s ever been. 53 years old and sex is the best it’s ever been. It was good before, but filled with me begging him, him not able to cum, him with pied, him not all that interested. Communication, wow. So different and so much better, and filled with laughter. Our life is finally more laughter and joy and acceptance. All of this changes if he slips. If he relapses, he goes right back. It’s noticeable. Addicts are so selfish and we get a front page view. I could go on for hours the difference in my husband. Some days it sends me into a bitter, resentful, angry, depressed spiral. Those days, he sits with me. He validates what I’m feeling and takes responsibility for what he has done to me, the family, and our marriage. Then he asks “ besides staying in recovery and working to earn your trust, is there anything you need from me right now that I can do to help make this better?”
He once told me “ I’m honored that you have chosen to stay and allow me the chance to make up all the wrong I have done towards you. I want to use the rest of my life making sure I make amends. My greatest fear is that if you leave, I can never make up what I have done, because it will take the rest of our lives. I do not want anymore regrets.” What he use to think was “ I’m a great guy, I don’t cheat or drink and I’m not abusive and I have a great job to buy her whatever she wants.” About 4-6 months into recovery is when he began to change. One year was huge changes. Three years later, even bigger changes. If they aren’t using and they are in recovery you will see undeniable changes. I read what you wrote and my husband was exactly like that. I will never go back to that. Never. He can never again start using and I won’t know. The changes are too drastic. Just put yourself first. Decide what you will and won’t do or accept and then move forward. I still insist on polygraphs, but I can see a day now where I might be able to just trust my gut. Two years ago I wouldn’t have said that. I would’ve felt like I needed them for the rest of our lives..

 

He hasn’t earned back your trust in a year….what has he done to earn back your trust? Because it’s his actions that will earn your trust not his words. His actions that show he isn’t using because his actions have changed. Let’s say for arguments sake he hasn’t looked at pornography or masturbated. Then that means this IS who he is. With that argument, do you really want to stay and fight for someone who doesn’t listen to you, who doesn’t talk to you, who doesn’t spend time with you? My husbands been working recovery for 3 solid years and I don’t trust him. Why would I? For 27 he lied. I finally trust my gut though. But it’s taken a lot of time and work and help from my csat. I no longer think I’m crazy. You aren’t crazy. Your husband isn’t in recovery and until he gets into recovery you will continue on this same merri go round.

 

I really hope that your relationship takes a turn for the better. Maybe some sort of relationship counselling would help.
As a man in recovery, perhaps my experience might help a little (or at least allow you to feel heard and supported). I love the time that I spend with my girlfriend (of 2+ years) but I also desire and even relish having some alone time. Maybe it would help to plan a certain time of the week (like half or all day Saturday or Sunday) to spend quality time together, as well as planning alone time. If there's one thing I have learned in recovery, its that we need a support group outside of our relationship. Friends and family that we spend time with. Maybe you have "girls night" and he has "boys night" . . . and if they're on different evenings, then the other one gets some alone time at home (or babysitting, in your case, but still some time to focus on their own interests).

My other addiction is shopping. I recognise that I fall into a trap where I get hooked on it. Every once in awhile I break free, only to slip back in. Anything that gives us "a hit" can be addictive. Gaming (and just about anything online, including online forums and online shopping) can be really addictive. My hope for your husband is that he sees how its hurting him, and your relationship, more than it helps (with a little bit of distraction and pleasure). Trying to get your husband to change is likely to backfire. But seeking recovery (Like CoSA and S-anon) and support for yourself will only make you stronger.

Last thought. I have been accused of masturbating when I didn't and it's upsetting, especially when one has managed to piece some time together without it. It's often a real struggle whether it's been 20 days or 200 and to be accused of relapsing when you haven't is extremely discouraging. What you described does sound pretty suspicious, but what if he really was just trying to unwind in a healthy way. I love a hot bath or shower in the dark. Even better with a candle or two. Maybe he really was just giving himself a little spa-treatment?

I wonder what would happen if you said, "sorry that I got upset and that I didn't trust you when I thought I heard you masturbating the other day. I should have trusted you when you said that you didn't. Be vulnerable. Be forgiving. Let yourself heal. Keep your heart open. Then, if he is being dishonest, that's all on him, you're side of the street is clean.

 

I agree with a lot of what you say, but unfortunately when the SO has been gas lighted for weeks, months, years, trying to ignore your gut and believe him adds more damage to yourself. If, there were no other warning signs or red that’s that his behavior was changing then I might say give him the benefit of the doubt. But there are multiple red flags that he is lying.

 

When he says “ well, I guess I’ll go pack my bag if you aren’t going to talk about it” is classic addict behavior. The number of times my husband said things like that when he got caught is too many to count. It’s how the addict puts you on the defensive and manipulates you. Until you change, he will continue doing what he’s always done. He will just get better at hiding it. Better at lying to you. Better at gas lighting you. Relationships are not that hard. Relationships with unhealthy people, such as addicts are impossibly difficult. I used to wonder why my marriage was so hard. Why nothing seemed to work to improve my relationship with my husband. I couldn’t relate to family and friends who talked about how great their husband was. Watching my mom and dad and wondering why my marriage didn’t look like theirs. 3 years of weekly marriage counseling didn’t really help. 2 more years of marriage counseling with a different counselor didn’t help. My husband acknowledging he’s a porn addict, going to an individual counselor specifically for sex addiction, going to sa group, and changing everything in his life to get into recovery THAT changed our marriage. He changed. Everything about him changed. If he slips, old behaviors come back. He’s got at least 6 accountability partners that he can call and connect with. He talks to me every day about his recovery, because he’s excited at who he’s become. Don’t bury your head, this won’t go away. They are either working recovery or hiding their addiction. They’re behaviors and actions tell you clearly which one they are doing. Make sure you focus on yourself. Make you and the baby a priority with little regard to him. He needs to take responsibility for his addiction. You and your children deserve a man who puts you first. My husband is trying to undo decades of damage with our children. He didn’t just hurt me with his addiction. He hurt the kids. Addicts think if their addiction is hidden it doesn’t hurt anyone. Well my kids had no idea until 4 years ago. My husband thought he was a great father. How our kids relate and respond to him shows a different story. I thought because my husband wasn’t abusive, because he went to all the kids events, that they had a decent relationship..turns out the kids are very resentful because my husband was never fully “ there”. They don’t trust him. They don’t connect with him. They dont turn to him or rely on him. His relationship with our children is completely opposite of mine. I invested my love, my time, my energy into God and our kids, from the moment they were born. He invested his time energy and love into his job and porn. His job and porn. That’s what my husband gave everything to. Build your house on a firm foundation. My husband built his on shifting sand, his house has crumbled and now he wants in mine.