marriage life and 20 years worth of Porn

I don't say anything about PMO to my wife because she doesn't like porn and we have a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. I did try to get her to watch porn videos earlier in our marriage, about 32 years ago, and she made it plain she wanted nothing of it. She still feels that way and I've at long last come around to the same way of thinking.

I've never fantasized about porn acts or people while we are having sex or not had sex because of porn.

 

None of the women in this thread have a PMO counter, except for one, whereas almost all of the men do. That's because porn is much more of a problem for men than women. We live in a culture where sex sells and our attention is constantly being competed-for by all the media.

It's not fair, IMO, to equate having an affair with some porn use. We might be talking apples and oranges in this thread. I.e. occasional use vs. substituting porn for sex with one's SO. As with the latter case, almost any severe addiction could be grounds for divorce because of neglect.

 

I agree with you that using a little porn here and there is not the same as cheating. But if your SO has told you she thinks it is and you still do it and hide it that’s betrayal. That’s why I think porn use should be something that’s discussed pre marriage. I think that’s an important conversation to have. If your potential partner does not want to be with a man that uses porn at all, and you still want to use it then don’t marry her. What’s wrong is when you keep doing something that you know hurts your partner despite her pain or his for that matter.

All of my past relationships my partners used porn and I often viewed it with them. I had zero problems with it. The one difference I noticed when I dated my ex who was a PMO addict is that he would not have that open convo with me about porn use where In the past my partners volunteered it. So I do have experience with partners that can use porn and not be an addict more so that one that is. I’m not anti porn.

And of course addiction is different. But a lot of what I read on NoFap is addicts trying to tell partners how they should feel or that their feelings are wrong. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to see different view points and their validity even if you don’t ageree. I do think women who don’t date men who use porn at all would be incompatible with someone who does. There are plenty of women who are fine with porn use but if you are with One who’s not you can’t just regard that and keep doing it?

 

Life’s not fair. It’s not fair to be married to a man who neglects you sexually to watch porn or who keeps doing it when you have asked him to stop.

 

So you don’t tell your wife about PMO because you know she does not like it? This all makes sense now.

 

Not exactly. I've told her several times over the years and she said she doesn't want to hear about it. I'm pretty sure if I told her I wasn't using porn she wouldn't care that much either. The main thing is that we have a happy marriage and a good sex life and trust each other.

Probably she feels that porn use is my problem to solve -- which I think I am.

 

Goodness gracious!

I am struggling to stay polite at some of the posts here as it would appear that there are some extremely delusional people walking around, and the worst delusion is self-delusion.

FACT: Men and women are different. We view things differently, feel things differently and understand differently. Women see more shades of colour than men, view kissing the opposite sex differently to men, usually have far better intuition than men and so on. We can either use these differences to combine our strengths and talents and support each other to be a mighty force, or allow them to tear us apart. For most people porn becomes a wedge that promotes division, and negatively impacts relationships. Allowing porn to make one into a misogynist or man hater is just one of its insidious outcomes, and just because one person believes that porn has not caused their relationship any harm does not mean their SO agrees, or that others do, and until the SO's confirm this here, such claims are unsubstantiated hearsay. Some people have far greater tolerance to pain and disappointment than others, and forgive easily. And just because one is fortunate to be in that position does not mean everyone else is "weak". Just saying, but a psychopath usually sees people with compassion and empathy like that.

To those who remain so adamant that porn is not causing harm, I can only ask:
"What the XXXX are you doing on a porn recovery website?" Either you are trying to create MORE harm or are a troll. Go play somewhere else!

 

That was my exact question! If you don’t have problems with porn why are you here?

 

Yes - Porn usually affects intimacy and intimate relationships (not just with a partner but also with friendships).
https://yourbrainonporn.com/intimate-relationships-and-the-brain

For me, it's not *just* about "sex life" quality --- it was the intimacy in our marriage which was lacking for so long, so, I disagree that it does "more harm" *only* to the sex addict. Their brain and emotional system can be completely hijacked; leaving little left for their spouse.

I can understand how a partner/spouse may seek intimacy and connection elsewhere (affair - emotional and/or sexual). Is it the "right" thing to do in a marriage? No. I didn't do that. I wouldn't. It's not in line with my moral code. BUT. The same way I can understand and have empathy for how many men get addicted to porn and sex workers while in a marriage or committed relationship, I can ALSO understand a person's desire for connection which led the person to seek connection outside the marriage. I have empathy for the woman who must have had horribly conflicting emotions and thoughts about what she was doing.

It's like the defendants here are also playing judge and jury. OY.

 

I wandered into this section because I wanted to express my opinion about what I think is a difference between watching porn and having an affair.

After the post by @Wazzbler who basically implied I am self-delusional and possibly a psychopath or a troll I highly regret participating here. I'll go back to the much more friendly 40+ forum.

 

@MountainCreek,

I was not pointing fingers at you, but....

Oh. Sorry. Bye!

 

No not on this thread on NoFap at all? Why would you join if pmo is not an issue in your life at all? You did mention I believe it effected your work. If you have an addiction then it effects your whole life. It usually effects the person you are in an intimate relationship the most. So for you to say that your addiction has not effected your relationship with your wife does smack of deluded thinking. But of course I know everyone has a different situation so that’s why I indicated that if you had spoken with your wife and she told you that it had not effected her at all so be it. Your response to that read even more delusional. I’m not trying to attack you I’m trying to get you to see the thought process that you are following is failed logic that allows you to stay addicted. Replace pmo with heroin. Do you think a man or woman that’s been a heroin addict for the majority of a marriage has had no impact on their partners at all? But there’s really one very easy way to solve this sit down and ask your wife how if at all it’s effected her? How her telling you that she did not like porn and your continuing to use it all these years has made her feel. Be honest with her and tell her how often you watch it etc. give her a chance to truly give her thoughts and feelings. Ask her what she sees as the downfalls in your relationship and really listen. Then you will know the answer.

 

Go back and read my post. What I said was that work affected my relationship with my wife more than PMO. I said nothing about PMO affecting my work. Work was the big time/attention/psychic energy hog for most of my life -- much more so than looking at porn.

Anyway, I'm kind of done with this thread. Best wishes.

 

@MountainCreek, Go back and read the first post in this thread by @sheep4ryan. The person acknowledges his addiction, has seen the awful results and is working on fixing things. I fail to see any of those positive steps in many of the replies. Instead, most of the addicts display typical addictive behaviour when they refuse to acknowledge their addiction: blaming the SO, denying that the SO was hurt/harmed by it, arguing and fighting with the SO's who explain how PMO addicts have almost destroyed the relationship AND the SO. And, in stark contrast to @sheep4ryan, many addicts rather behave like spoilt childish brats who will not accept they are wrong.

The few men that have long recovery streaks all show a certain maturity in accepting and owning the pain and damage they caused and have gone to extreme lengths to try fix what they did. In contrast, having read a multitude of posts here, many of those that deny any harm was done to their SO, and continue to defend porn and PMO and blame their SO's for the bad relationship constantly relapse.

Forgive me for putting it bluntly, but a PMO addict is a WANKER! Always physically, and most often mentally.

I know, because I was one for forty years.

Only after I owned the fact, and took drastic measures to stop can I say I am no longer a Wanker, no longer behave like a Wanker, talk like a Wanker or think like a Wanker.

Being called a Wanker was, is and always wll be a derogatory thing. The good news is that anyone can stop being a Wanker. The difficult part and the first step is to admit they are one.

I wish you all the best in your journey, your marriage and your life.

Waz

 

First off - I know very well that I am not in your relationship nor will I ever be. And I would never dictate to someone else what they should do. I would simply like to share something from my personal story that could give some context as to why there may be a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement, and what could possibly be wrong with that.

My example is my mother. I remember going to her, after our first couple of D-days (I was very clear at the beginning of my relationship that P was not to be used, there was lying and hiding) and crying and asking her why he would hurt me like this. She straight up admitted that my father had had the same problem during their entire marriage, and probably still does. She tried so hard to fight it and fix it in the beginning. She tried to get him to stop. After a while she stopped asking, stopped "caring". She simply did this so that she wouldn't have to feel the pain of betrayal. Then it became "don't ask, don't tell" because she just didn't want to know what harm he could/could not be causing, and didn't want to fight anymore. THIS DOES NOT EQUATE TO NO EMOTIONAL DAMAGE - IT IS SIMPLY BEING REPRESSED.

These are the strongest women in the world, in my opinion. They can just choose not to feel it? That is beyond impossible for me. Still, I think I can speak for all of us SO's here, we would love to have your wife join us here to open up about how she really feels. There is no reason she should not be able to express her feelings and have you accept them and change the things that she would like changed. Regardless of if it effects your sex life or not, her feelings are valid. If she feels betrayed, she is being betrayed.

 

Wow how hard that must have been for your Mother. What a strong woman. I do not know your age but being that he said they were together for 32 years I wonder if your Mother and his wife are of the same generation of women who would never speak of this. We all have NoFap now but 32 years ago I can’t imagine a woman coming forward and saying my husband is a porn addict or even knowing that’s a possibility! And for better or worse as a woman you did not divorce no matter what. Divorce laws were tougher and many women lacked financial means to leave so they stuck it out but were miserable! My Mom divorced my Dad in 1990 and she was publicly shamed by even her own family! My moms almost 65. So not saying anything does not mean the person is not hurting nor does staying with a man.

But there’s a very simple solution to this problem, he just needs to ask her. Lay it all out on the table and ask.


I honestly wondered if the wife found another man and they had more of a business relationship the writer just was not aware of it. I wondered what she was not telling as he was not asking?

 

This is EXACTLY what my wife is going through. I am going to have to rewrite/reboot. She hasn’t left or cheated yet, but it’s only a matter of time...

 

My mother is 49, my dad is 51. And thank you, it is very hard for her right now to see me going through the same thing that she did. I don't understand how she can stay silent about it, and even more, I now resent my father more than I already did. But I will not be that kind of person, I refuse to allow myself to sacrifice my needs or moral values just to please the man I'm with. I am not married yet, though, and I will not marry him until I know this is resolved and won't be a problem again.

 

Hi @Chucker421,

Go for it. Rewire. Reboot. Get free. The posts on this section might be intense, but you will get to really understand what the partners of addicts go through. There is pain, betrayel, sadness, anger, resentment and grief. But... there is hope, recovery, advice, help, comfort and encouragement for those who truly want to fix the mess they made. The view from the women's perspective is clear, and will gove you far more understanding than a man can even attempt.

Good luck and be strong.

Waz