Making love or ?

Um, well, we are still integrating things in, (that used to be there before) because we didn't want to overload him.
And he wanted disassociation from life to the porn.
He read there needs to be so much time between the unused brain pathways and real life experiences to not associate a automatic link.
He's doing a custom Reboot of 3 years and 36 days.
So there's that.
And he's not allowed to mass-aid me
There has been only one time where I was like, WTF was that?
But tired, with his job, plays into that.
It's not like it was before... For sure.. As for wanting Really nice soft sex...?
I'd say that about 6 months in?
A couple weeks after the Flatline for us.
He definitely likes it Alot after the year mark tho.
We do tantra and other things now too.
He really enjoys looking at me (he's always looking at me) which he Never would do before.
Now when sex changes rigorously its because he's looking and listening and is frustrated because he thinks he's reading me and it's he's Misreading me.
Lol, it's a whole new argument? .... -
"No, it was fine. "
"Stay the pace you were, I was moaning because I Liked it as is, you didn't need to speed up."
He randomly wants to have sex during the day or in the morning, not just always between this hour and this hour.
And I can say, I want to and he gets excited.
It's my opinion (and I have been with two PAs) that a active PA can't emphasize/communicate during sex. If they had a relapse and if they have sex, they will lose their ability to relate to the person they are with intimately. This includes active oglers. If their is pixelating or screening going on of any kind causing active dopamine dripping, it's keeping them from connecting.
The sex May be good for them, but for the partners it won't be.
Or the disconnection will be a distraction.

 

I was a P user since being a teenager and throughout my relationship, other than a handful of periods after being discovered. I have now resolved more seriously to cut P out of my life forever. Our sex has always been intimate and loving, but that is not to say there isnt some vigour or passion there either. I did feel able to be truly intimate despite my P use, but as I have said previously in other threads, P robbed us of some of these intimaye moments as I was seeking IRL sex a bit less than I would have done otherwise, and I am usually to partner to initiate sex. Now P free, I feel our sex is perhaps more intimate, but not every session will be gentle and soft. It is always romantic though. I do not treat my partner as a masturbatory aid, and sex acts that are solely for my benefit are up to her to initiate. This way I can avoid being selfish in the moment. If I want a BJ then our arrangement is that I express that in a non-sexual moment as a prefence for one of our sessions over the next few days.

I should perhaps add that I am as yet undecided on the PA label. My views on P have morphed gradually, and what I once saw as a normal and healthy part of male sexuality, I now see as a hurtful and shameful activity that I would hate myself for continuing. This is down to how it makes my wife feel. I have never suffered PE, PIED, DE or similar, but recognise that on occasions I would take the lazy way out and M to P rather than risk rejection. I felt, at times, like my higher libido was somehow an inconvenience or a hasstle for my wife, but really she just needs a bit more care and attention to get to my level of enthusiasm. Now, she will rarely turn me down for sex as I approach the initiation with more effort and consideration of her arousal patterns and seduction preferences. I was taking the easy way out as a P user and robbing us of intimacy in that way. By avoiding being seen as a sex pest, and getting my thrills elsewhere I reduced the quantity our intimacy, but I feel the quality was always there...

Seems I had a bit to vent/purge from myself there.

 

In 14 years of marriage, we have gone through the ebbs and flows-sometimes we had sex a lot (3-4 times a week or more) and we have had dry spells-the last one being 2 years :/

My husband has always been a chronic M and introduced heavy P consumption 3 years ago.

I have always had a high drive and we did lots of dress up/ costumes/ lingerie etc. Once his P use started, he sex did become more mechanical, kinky, and he was much more selfish. He hurt me during sex and wouldn't stop when I asked him to and this was the impetus for the 2 years sex free.
We had sex about 4 days into no PMO and started again at 3-4 days a week. Incorporated karezza. It was shocking to me how easily I could O with karezza and how wonderful it was to have it be about our connection. He loves it. Loves it. My drive is through the roof and we have sex every day. Sometimes twice a day. He O's once a week.

Sometimes I just want to get f%$#@× though. But we stop for connection. Prior to the 2 years of no sec we had a pretty good sexual connection. But now it is even better.

 

I´ve noticed that since I´m in reboot, I want more intimacy during sex. Longer foreplay, deeper kisses, more body contact, looking her in the eyes etc...
Before it was much more mechanical. We would go down on each other, we have sex, she comes, I come, done.

My gf said that, too. But I don´t want to do this anymore. It reminds me too much of the person I once was.

 

YES! I find myself resorting to the wanting that (f@:$) as well (and he usually complies) but I wonder if that's not helpful. I never used to use the word either and recently I find myself doing it to illicit a reaction bc I get super turned on by knowing that he is.

I do think we should go back to trying the karezza though. I don't think we ever really did it right. And he also thinks he should space out his O.

Oh yeah...in the beginning I feel like he used to be slow and sensual (even if I didn't want that) but later it became mechanical as someone else noted. And I still feel like we have to get out of that mechanical phase of doing what we know works.

 

For me and my husband, when we were first together we had sex 2-3 times a day and it was physically pleasuring most times. (he didn't use for the first 3 months we were together). Once he was using (which I didn't know at the time) we stil had sex often, and I always was the initiator. The things he asked for were not respectable things and I felt offended and degraded he asked those things. The emotions were limited. Also I was always very comfortable with my sexuality and the things I've done with people prior to him, whereas he thought I was weird and in my eyes judgmed me for things I liked. He was always very vanilla and didn't really want more than two positions.

Once he was officially in reboot and I knew everything, we had sex much less which I was shocked about. I had always thought his sex drive was as high as mine but we learned that he didn't have a desire for sex until the 5-6 day mark whereas I wanted sex every other day if not every day so that made me feel kinda unattractive. Though the frequency decreased the emotional connection increased so much as we've gone through healing. It's been over a year now and we can feel very emotionally intimate during sex. We are also able to talk about sex now, and listen to what we each like, and he is more willing to do or try things that he knows I am into. So emotional connection and communication improved ten fold after he was in recovery. My husband has always respected when I said no or I wasn't comfortable and that was something I'd never had with anyone so I value that we can respect each other's boundaries with sex.

 

I don't know if there is a right way to Karezza....I think it can be different for each couple. Sometimes we just have sllloooooww sex (for up to 2 hours) and eye gaze and chat. He cries during it too!! It is like his connection cup is being filled. Sometimes when we have crazy F*&$&^& type sex I actually stop and ask for a slow down and we connect. As much as I love the crazy sex, the connection helps me to feel safe with him and make sure he is with me and not some porn scene in his head.
Re: Spacing out O's-there is info about blood testosterone levels peaking between day 5 and 7 so he O's usually once every 7 days. Not sure if you saw my earlier post, but the effects on his body are incredible. No more man boobs and his penis has grown 20% and the head of it is totally a different shape. Yesterday he said "I LOVE MY PENIS" which was so awesome to heard because for some reason he always had issues with it.

 

I always had to be the initiator too. Why do you think that is? My husband said it was because P use made him less confident....Are you still having sex once every 5-6 days and if so how does that affect you if you have a higher drive?

 

I just assumed ALL men loved their penis and that's why they touch it so much! Lol

And I've never seen my cry...ever. I kind of wish he showed that emotion.

 

@Sadgirl Since me finding out I told him I can't initiate sex, honestly, I had so much sexual confidence when I met him, and after discovering his addiction, I feel so insecure. I honestly have to say for me, the thing I hate most is before him I felt like the sexiest most skilled woman sexually speaking and I never doubted my abilities. But since knowing his addiction, I feel stupid and not good enough to initiate sex and feel that even though I logically know I am skilled sexually I don't feel skilled sexually anymore half the time. I still can't initiate sex to this day without feeling not good enough. It's something I am working on. But we mostly have sex every 4-5 days. I still usually want more, but I just tell myself to be patient. My husband gets tired easily and so mainly I don't initiate or offer sex because I'll be met with, "I'm tired" or sometimes my husbands breathing acts up and that can interfere with sex, so when I can notice his breathing is off I just try to do bonding things like board games with him. It honestly seems easier to let him initiate instead of being met with him saying, "I'm too tired" and me feeling rejected. Until my husband, I had never been sexually rejected so it's been tough.

 

LOL!!!!! Honestly his hands were ALWAYS down his pants. He was always cupping that thing. He has always had size concerns since he was a kid (you know how boys talk), and my ex boyfriend was exceptionally large and a mutual friend told my husband that when we were first dating and it has bugged him ever since. I keep reimning him that the ex never made me O. Ever. Not like my husband.
I am such a germaphobe I would send him to wash his hands all the time lol. My husband has always had a sensitive side, but since quitting PMO he has all the feels and cries a lot. I make sure he knows that I love him expressing his emotions and that I see his confidence as a "manly" thing.

 

I completely understand. The fact that they chose to look at other women instead of being with us is a huge confidence breaker. My husband keeps begging me to get naked with him, but I just can't. I am not photoshoped! I have had 2 kids! My tummy will never be perfectly flat and my breasts are not what they used to be and are not what he spent years salivating over. I would feel more comfortable getting naked with a stranger than my own partner.

 

No..
In all seriousness, when we first started, I kicked him out. I totally know what you mean.
It took me a couple months to be OK with my own sexuality and comfortable being intimate again

 

Yes

Same! Never felt rejected before. Def took a hit to my sexual confidence. And he was way more vanilla than I too. My husband drive not nearly as high as mine.

 

Yup and yup. I already had kids when we met but I know he likes skinny girls and I wouldn't call myself that..more average. And my boobs are def not 20 anymore. I kinda want a boob job now so I'm not so insecure. I don't need them bigger just perkier would be nice

 

Agreed!!! In a bra they look fab-no bra they look not so fab lol. F*&^ I hate even thinking they aren't "good enough". This sucks.

 

Big boobs suck like that