Letters to my husband

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    For those following the soap opera & his google map whereabouts last night, the story is, he met with his old CEO for a future job prospect. Semi-believable, only because I knew he had talked to this guy on Saturday. We had many healthy conversations about this job opportunity for much of Saturday night.
    What I didn't know because he deceived me, was that they had a meeting set-up for last night. He asked at least 10 times between Saturday & midday Sunday if I had checked my calendar to see what worked for me so him & this guy could meet. Every day/night/afternoon I suggested because the times/dates would work best for me, he found a problem with. Not only a problem, but an "OMG you dipshit wife, how could you even suggest that night?!? You know I fucking deploy then". It's not that harsh verbally, but it's pretty close.
    This is his addicty MO to get what he wants. He already knew when he wanted to meet this guy. He asked me to give him a good time to conduct this meeting, yet anything I suggested was shot down with an excuse as to why it wouldn't work. This was him hoping & praying I'd eventually say "hey babe, I've got Monday night available, why don't you have a 5 hour dinner with some person I've never met before to discuss our family's future", because he can't grow a pair & ask/communicate/be honest with me. When I didn't say what he was wanting to hear, he picked a fight. Or, he at least gaslit my ass enough I retaliated. Either way, he got his wants met & threw his family to the wolves.

    Oh! The best part?!? As he's telling me about this meeting he had, he says he was honest with his old boss as far as him & I aren't doing so well & he was unsure if now was a good time to switch paths career wise. My husband continues to tell me how much this guy understood about my need to feel safe & "taken care of" & that's when I politely say hold the fuck up, what do you mean this random guy I've never met before wants to make sure I am "taken care of". Back that bus up.
    I asked him again what in the world this statement meant & get this you guys, he tells me He can't say because it's a surprise; some kind of secret fucking weird surprise that this guy is going to accommodate for me to "relax". Not weird at all & totally cool of my addict husband to say/do, after a 48 hour MIA from his family "because I made him leave". What kind of hell am I in?

    That's it. I'm writing a book. You can't make this shit up
     
  2. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Taking a hiatus my friends; divorce is inevitable and I have a lot of figuring out to do.

    Thank you for the kindness & advice; best wishes to all of you.
     
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  3. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    So sorry to hear this. I will miss your thoughtful input here.

    Take care
     
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  4. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    Good news is, the times of my self-pity episodes are shortening & that in itself is amazeballs. Bad news, divorce is still inevitable. Excuse my laziness in not writing a thoughtful, intelligent, meaningful letter to you tonight. Rather, I am going to copy & paste the notes I've kept throughout the day, once again, desperately hoping you see the errors of your ways. Always remember, had I not discovered your secret, your kids might have.

    - counseling today was intense; I have not felt that vulnerable/honest/weak in a long time. I thought you really heard my pain; your therapist sure did.

    - while at counseling today, you waited until the very last minute to let me know you were putting your 2 weeks in at your current job to do some start-up, I think? All I know was that I honestly saw red. I was fuming & couldn't see/hear/think straight. I remember telling your therapist over and over that this was the first time I was being told this information & I remember looking you in the eyes & telling you how disrespectful that was of you to do. To not only your wife, but the mother of your children, & a fucking human being. I invented the games you play, you fool. I see right through you. You covered all of your bases so you could come out squeaky clean. Manipulators be manipulating & you are a master.

    - on the way home from counseling session it was silence, of course. 15 minutes into the drive you ask me "would you want to go somewhere this weekend, just the 2 of us? I want to surprise you with something, but I'll have to know what your answer is by tonight, because it's time sensitive." I think I saw red again, at this point. You surprised me with life-changing news, not in a good way, just 20 minutes earlier & now you're telling me you want to take me somewhere this weekend as a surprise, but I have to make up my mind by tonight?!? You have convinced me I'm in some real life Truman show shit, because wow. Just, wow.

    - I have to leave as soon as we get home to go pick-up the kids. Upon returning & up until 5:00, you were face in computer; I dig it. You have a job & yours is done on the computer.

    - 5:00pm; I'm trying to explain to kids how it makes mommy feel when she's trying to do something, but all she can hear is fighting. As 3 year olds do, they ignored my little talk with them. I point out to you, hoping to make you a little more aware, that things like that (being ignored) happen hourly for me. I was hoping you'd maybe look at things from a different perspective. We had literally just talked about my desire to feel heard/paid attention too in therapy & that need was acknowledged by both you & your therapist. I ignorantly assumed you'd get where I was going with pointing out how much I was ignored (& not just by you!) because of the earlier conversation. You start to say something in response to my attempt at hoping you become more aware of things other than yourself. You catch yourself before any words come out, pause, & then say "you hear how I feel" (which FYI, that 5 word response is getting overplayed; it's time you start actually understanding what I feel & why I feel those ways). I ask you what you were going to say prior to "you hearing how I feel", because it was blatantly obvious you were about to say something you realized you shouldn't. You said you weren't going to say anything & then rolled your eyes at me. I asked what that was for & you said because I was attacking you. That little exchange has left me once again feeling confused, unworthy, unheard, crazy, sad, angry, etc. I'm so tired of this.

    - 6:00pm; you have avoided me for 30 minutes "cleaning". You do this all of the time. You stay "busy"; with work, porn, now it's apparently cleaning, so you don't have to spend time with me. At least that's how I feel, as the person you've neglected for 10 years.

    - 9:00pm; I just got out of bath & you are on your laptop. You don't say anything to me other than "what are you looking for", as you noticed I was on the hunt for something. As of now, there is still no 15 minute affirmation towards me, like your counselor asked you to start doing, and to which you agreed. Also, as of right now, you have not communicated with me any further regarding this new career path you've decided to do, without asking your wife how she feels about it.

    - 9:30pm; You have moved into our bedroom (yours right now, because for some twisted unknown reason, I'm the one confined to a small bed in a lonely room, that was once our children's playroom). Ironic, right? Their mother spends sometimes hours, daily, just sobbing into this now empty room hoping God hears me. I look at the walls & can spot a stray crayon mark or reminiscent chalk from that phase of their discoveries. I am isolated in the very room I have laughed the hardest & felt some of the greatest joy with my babies. It is also the room I was in the day my mother told me to look up the word "spiculated", as it was on the Cat scan report of hers we were going over. It was in this room I sit in at this very moment, that I realized my mom had cancer. I couldn't let her know what I'd just read, so I lied, said it was nothing, & her & her grandchildren carried on playing. I sat in this room that day, feeling for the first time, an almost out of body experience; she was happy, the kids were happy, & I sat there feeling as alone as I do right now, in the very same room.

    Still waiting on affirmations & communications for today.

    - 9:45pm; I ask you what you are doing on your laptop & you tell me you have to deploy tonight (work). I tell you I'm going to bed, again, hoping you'd pull your head out of your ass & remorsefully said "oh beautiful wife, my love, I've forgotten to tell you how very special you are to me. You have carried this family through the darkest of times & I will show you every day what your support has meant to me. *continues with every affirmation I've ever wanted to hear*". I was a bit dramatic in my reenactment; a quick "hey babe, I've been super shitty & I'm going to fix that. You're the best thing that's happened to me; thank you" would have been exactly what I needed. BUT, your response to me telling you I was going to bed was "OK". I summoned the energy to not tear into your ass. I calmy ask you, "so I am not getting my 15 minutes of positive affirmation today?". You glance towards your laptop, look back at me, & say nothing. What it said to me was, "but, but, but, but I've been working so I haven't had time for you. Find out you are worth a damn elsewhere." So, I have retreated to "happy, unhappy cancer room" to try & get at least 3 hours of sleep tonight.

    - 11:00pm; no word from you. You have not attempted any sort of saving your ass by coming to this desolate room & just loving me. I go to bed, once again, with divorce & cancer on my mind. I know you pride your little trophy wife on being strong, but do not forget, I was once a little girl like our own daughter. I am fragile & human; super only comes before fragile.

    11:22pm; I enter "our" bedroom to finish up nighttime routine in "our" bathroom. I open our bedroom door & see a finger held up, as a parent would do to their child when nonverbally saying "be quiet". Oh, you're on the phone! With whom, I mouth to you. You mouth back the name of this new "boss" of yours, that has talked you into leaving your stable job, right this second to work for him. So, here's what that tells me, given all of the events that have transpired today & the last 10 years: you are a selfish piece of narcissistic shit.
    I was not worthy of 15 minutes of fucking positive affirmations because you've been too busy, but some old boss of yours gets your undivided attention at 11:30 at night?!? I pray some husband/man/whatever, has the kahunas to explain to you exactly why I'm wanting a divorce.
    You will not traumatize me anymore, because I will not allow it. You have single-handedly ruined 4 people's lives. You. All you. And you continue to be a selfish, unloving, asshole. You make my skin crawl; I really do hate you.

    Cake
     
  5. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Wow. I have sympathy for any man that is unaware of himself, but to be told outright what to do and still not do it?

    I’d love to be in that position (I.e. told what to do)

    Pride. Stupid fucking pride
     
  6. Just wow. Stumbling over your thread just now, I can only assume that you've reached yet another rock bottom moment, while your husband is happily in wonderland, completely oblivious to your suffering and despair. Us addicts have a knack of killing off our SO's self-esteem in the most devastating ways, haven't we?

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but sadly, I'm not primarily writing this to comfort you. I'll try to give you some practical advice to survive the hell on earth that I once put my own wife through for over a decade.

    First of all, please do always put yourself and your kids first. I can only judge from your writing so far, but you appear to be a genuinely nice and caring person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Being the way you are is a gift, but the moment you focus too much on rescuing a PMO addict who doesn't genuinely want to be rescued, it may wear you out more than you may fathom. I saw it happening to my wife, and thinking about it while writing this line still makes my chest tighten.
    Be very wary of him. He doesn't want to be rescued, even though he is seeing a therapist? Please do look a bit closer:
    Addicts lie, gaslight and deceive whenever needed to keep their addiction alive. It's only when they reach rock bottom that there is a little chance for them to wake up. Your husband apparently hasn't reached it yet, and as long as that hasn't happened, there is little to no chance of him breaking the addictive cycle. Until then, I advise you to prepare for more to come. Even though you already made your decision about divorcing him, there may very well be more things waiting to be uncovered. Addicts are quite skillful in covering up their tracks, and even after you caught him a few times, chances are that this was just the mere tip of the iceberg.
    I hope this finds you well. Take good care of yourself and your kids!

    Change
     
  7. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    @cakeinacrisis, this is awful. The work he seems to care so much about will not be there when/if he gets cancer. His laptop wont be able to tell him everything will be ok when/if he is having a nervous breakdown staring at an existential crisis the day he finally asks himself "what does it all mean?". Although maybe he will keep coding like how the dinosaurs kept eating as a meteor lit up the sky marking their impending doom. You are an inconvenience to him and you must remain that way because to go with the flow is the "parade". He might not learn, he might learn but you sit apart aware of this moment, alive, free (because to know truth is to be free). I pray your pain lessens, I pray your scars do not dull the nerves and you lose feeling and I pray that he is brought to whatever level of suffering is required to see the truth because it's the only thing that will save him.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
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  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    You and your therapist have been shoving this betrayal trauma narrative down my throat for 2 months. In my opinion, you both are using it as an excuse for your passive behavior.
    I won't refute that in your presence I act like a traumatized spouse, but outside of your presence I really enjoy life. My therapists' don't see significant trauma symptoms and for the ones I do have, I have actively been healing from. The way you & your therapist are trying to put me in this box labeled "she's doing that because she's having betrayal trauma", infuriates me, because that is not why I'm behaving the way I am.

    What is happening is not driven by betrayal trauma.
    What is happening, is that you have been "door slammed" by an INFJ.
    Read what I'm about to write at least a dozen times, so it's engraved in your brain. Understanding what I'm about to write is essential if this marriage wants to survive.

    I hate mentioning this because I feel like it'll come across as "bragging", but INFJs only make up 1% of the population. The reason I mention this is because this makes us INFJs feel incredibly misunderstood & unheard. There are very few people who understand our strengths & weaknesses. Oftentimes, we don't understand ourselves; we are the epitome of contradictions.
    We are quiet & love our alone time. In contrast, we do not hesitate to be outspoken about something we feel really passionately about. The crazy betrayed person you think you are married to, is actually an INFJ passionately defending her beliefs & ideals. I know, it's confusing to me too. Because I am sensitive by nature & wouldn't say a bad word about anybody, I have been extremely confused at the level of hate I have felt for you; it doesn't "feel right" because it contradicts my strengths of harmony & caring about people.

    The way an INFJ understands people can get pretty deep & I personally feel this is putting a big wedge between us. I do not have the ability to understand how someone is not capable of "getting" a person like I do. I guess this is where I need to communicate that I need you to at least try to understand me a little bit; just a tiny bit might make you view me differently. Before you come back defensively & say "well why don't you learn to understand me", just know my reply will be, "but I understand everything about you already; it's a gift INFJs have. If you learned about me you would've known that everything I do, is because I understand you at the deepest level possible".

    When you deeply wound an INFJ, they don’t hate you, they nothing you.
    This couldn't be more true. You have seen me do it multiple times; someone hurts me and I don't think twice about cutting them loose & not looking back. I've always felt I should feel bad about doing this to people, so when I discovered it's actually just who I am, I was a bit relieved. This cutting off & not feeling "bad" about it is being "door slammed". Since I have to still co-exist with you, I have "emotionally" door slammed you. That is why it takes everything in me to tolerate your presence & why I usually go underground when you're around. I have cut-off access to you for my inner thoughts, my true feelings, and anything that happens regarding my life outside of this marriage. This is me, an INFJ, protecting myself & my vulnerability; not this crazy traumatized wife you & your therapist are convinced I am. I know my talk of divorce seems sudden & drastic and only another INFJ will understand that that's just how we work. When someone's toxicity and hurtful behavior goes on to long, we give no heads up or warning; we're just done. We've mentally launched your existence into outerspace.

    With that being said, sometimes I'll open up the door after it's been shut if my intuition feels it's the right move. My intuition has always made me feel that you are indeed, absolutely in love with me. That is why I'm still here.
    To get me to open the door, I am going to need you to start doing some of the things I list below. It is only if you start doing these things, that I can continue to be your wife. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect you to try; every single day.

    1) You have got to start actively showing me you won't hurt me anymore. This goes deeper than PMO. This is the hurt from your intimacy/emotional anorexia.

    2) You have got to start genuinely showing me you are remorseful for any hurt you've caused me. Your actions as of lately have shown me you do not recognize/feel remorse for the damage you've inflicted.

    3) Trust me; I have never let you fall & I will do my damndest to help you be free. I can only do that if you trust me.

    4) Commit to treating me better, overall. Show interest in learning about things deeper than my exterior.

    5) Respect my need for alone time & do not assume all of my emotions & behaviors are due to betrayal trauma. Ask me if you're unsure; I'd love nothing more than to help you understand my thinking & what influences my reactions.

    6) I absorb others emotions. That is why it's imperative you communicate with me if you're feeling some type of way. If you don't put your pride aside & communicate with me, I will internalize that negative energy of yours. If I know you are down instead of wondering why you're sulking all day, it will save me from taking your negativity on as my own, helping us both in the long run.

    7) Try & remind yourself when you think I am the anti-Christ, that I am your greatest ally & I have never been your enemy. I know you better than anyone, not just because we're married, but because my personality type has made this possible.

    8) Quit conforming & comparing & following shitty advice. I find those that are different/authentic/genuine/transparent more enticing and you know this. Talk with me about what YOU think will work best for this marriage & yourself. Do not think I want some alpha male who must be the best version of himself to remain in this marriage, because some other husband on nofap thinks that will work for his marriage. That is the opposite of what I want. I want you, alpha/beta and all the flaws that come with you. I just want you you to show me you want me. It's as simple as that.

    Cake
     
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  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Thank you, sir; the feeling is mutual :)
     
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  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I've been pondering this since day 1.
    There's nothing I hate more than not being able to put my finger on something. When all facts are given, your 2 scenarios are all that I've been left with. In fact, over the past 4 weeks I have asked my husband numerous times if he is being honest with his therapist because things weren't making sense. That's partly why I posted my last letter; a calling for all INFJs to confirm that we're on some kind of psychic level. I know what my husband is going to do & how he'll do it before he does, I just don't think he really gets that. I've studied his manipulation tactics, ways he withholds info, & his non-verbal cues for over a decade & can 100% say, I know what goes on his head. I think my husband is terrified that he might have some intense emotional baggage buried deep & that because I'm getting handed out traumatic events like Oprah & her free cars, that I won't be a solid shoulder to lean on when he needs me. I think there might be a bit of dishonesty on his part with his counselor. Fortunately for him, if this is the case, he has a wife that has a feeling he's not doing this maliciously, rather, he's just that scared of what might be uncovered.
    Why I think this is what's happening? Timing. When he was 14, his dad was diagnosed with CNS lymphoma, a central nervous system cancer. My husband believes he started watching P & MO at 15. He was blocking out watching his dad have to go through some hard stuff; his whole world was flipped upside down at such a tender age. I think my husband is extremely traumatized by what he's witnessed with cancer. He's mentioned a couple of times since my mother's diagnosis, that as he watches the amount of love & work I have put into saving my mom's life, & just being there for her overall, he recognizes how he wishes he would have invested more time with his dad while he was here. He tells me often, since we've had our own children, that he constantly finds himself thinking "I wish I could ask my dad what to do about x situation".
    His father died when my husband was 24, I believe. I met my husband the following year, so I never got the honor of meeting my children's grandfather. It's an unfortunate reality for my husband; he has no solid male figure (other than my step-father) to really turn to.
    I feel for him, I really do. He needs to get to a place of vulnerability & I recognize that. The sooner we can get there, the better.
    I can't not see how this movie ends, so I guess I'll buy some popcorn & stick around ;)
     
  11. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Figured it out, y'all; his CSAT does the co-dependent model. I'm the president of the non-co-dependents club.
    That intuition, I'm telling you, I knew something was off. I know my husband is a better man than he's been acting. Maybe he's not, but at least I've figured out why I didn't mesh well with his CSAT & why he's still playing the victim and I'm the perpetrator.
    His CSAT is driving me to divorce.

    What in the actual hell do I do about this?
    No way I'm convincing him his CSAT is doing things all wrong (for us), even more so, because I found her. Stupid me. I'm sure I didn't even know there were different models to heal & recover from when I found her; it was only 3 weeks after dday.

    Advice

    Thx,
    Cake
     
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    High-five!
    I'll start looking tomorrow & will let you know if I run into any bumps.
    Thank you; truly
     
  13. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Afterthought: is there a specific acronym I can look for that points away from co-addict model? Anything to look for to save time? I have a lot in my area
     
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    No. CSATs/CMATs are who you want, you just have to vet them really well because some subscribe to the co-addict/codependency model, some are in the middle, while others are full on board with the betrayal trauma model.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
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  15. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    I was thinking about what you said here and all that comes to mind is you can't put a square peg in a round hole.

    If that CSAT lumps everyone into the same category (whether knowingly or unknowingly) then with enough time and persuasion he may be able to get that square peg into the round hole and declares victory because it fits. But that square peg doesn't fully fit into the round hole and now that you have forced it in what is it? It's no longer square because you have removed the edges, it's also not round and doesn't fully fit the mould.

    You need to find someone who is objective and those people I suspect are probably very hard to find and are probably very busy when you do find one.
     
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  16. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'm convinced any therapist that follows the co-dependent/addict model is nothing but a money maker at the expense of sexual addicts & their partners. *in cases where therapist does no assessment of spouse prior to suggesting she's a co-; this model probably does work for an actual co- partner, but to presumptively gear recovery towards this standard with nothing but assumptions based on the betrayed wife standing in front of you is appalling & she should have her license taken away.
    This kind of "therapist" almost cost my husband his family. I don't know that my children & I would be sleeping in our home tonight had I not figured out what was happening.
     
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  17. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you found out!
     
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  18. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Me too, Max, me too. I'm positive my kids will be.
    Hope things are good in the desert :)
     
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  19. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    Its finally in the 80s. I also got some really good news to look forward to. I'm going to be meeting up with a nofap friend I met on here in real life! I wont say who but I think that is pretty awesome. I've been doing good the last few days. Some stress that would have led to problems didn't. Now to figure out why and try to learn from the good times as well as the bad.

    I've been thinking about your mom....I hope you all are getting rest. I cant even imagine what that stress must feel like.
     
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  20. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    No rest for the wicked!
    Old soul, you are; your thoughts have been felt & very much appreciated.
    Nofap irl-er?!? How awesome is that?! Meeting someone in person who is going through the same shit you're going through can be nothing but positive when the goal is to grow as peeps on Earth. Can't wait for stories & intellectual findings on sandbox type things.
    Sending you & your fam, especially little Max, much gratitude. I know he helps his dad be the man he is today. Give little Max a high five for me & the wifey a big long hug.

    Cake
     
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