Letters to my husband

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Wow. You know how rare we are?!
    I think this is why I lean towards the extreme edge of frustration at his lack of empathy & "intuition" into my feelings without me having to broadcast them everywhere. I just don't get a person's lack of understanding & non-desire to want to help the wounded. If he were not my husband & father to my children, I would have cut him off long ago to save my gift of intuition. He's made me question the very thing I was confident in.
    As unfortunate the circumstances are, I am so weirdly excited to "meet" a fellow only child of divorced parents, INFJ. What a world we see, through our eyes...
     
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    INFJ’s, me too!
     
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  3. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    Interesting I am an ENFJ. I wonder if you can related to this...

    I had tons of friends growing up and still do, so I never really felt that siblings would have added much. In fact considering that you can pick friends and not siblings I always thought I had it better in some ways. I did have one dilemma that siblings help solve. They are the court stenographers or they end up being the cautionary tales in family interactions. When you are an only child you lose any frame of reference in dealing with your parents. There isn't someone to look at and roll your eyes to. There isn't a person in your room to storm off to and commiserate with saying "Mom is fucking crazy can you believe that shit?". For men there also isn't someone that has your back in physical confrontations or even in times of existential angst. Friends can do all these things but they aren't in your house 24/7 to get the full picture so it really isn't the same. Because of all this I learned extremely good diplomacy. I can diffuse situations and craft disarming arguments. The dark cousin to diplomacy is manipulation. I can do that too. It's a deadly combo for an addict to also be really good at manipulation. I'm learning that I can even manipulate myself unconsciously which is the worst of all worlds. A sort of cult leader who believes their own bullshit. Anyways, thanks for the insights and writing. I rarely get to dive deep with other only children. You perspectives are appreciated. Distraction? Maybe...Helpful reflection? Definitely.
     
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  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I have felt that way, too. I hate that he's made me doubt and question the one thing I felt most confident about. Funny thing, it still seems to be completely right about everyone else, just he fooled me. I think because I vetted him so much and let him in (finally) and I never expected him to do this. He's made me doubt everything I thought I knew about myself and I hate it.
     
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  5. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Or anyone to go "remember when mom did that one thing?". My biological father is deceased & my mother is losing her fight against cancer. I'm having overwhelming anxiety realizing that when she goes to the other side, I'm it. There will be no one left that walked alongside me my entire life; no one to talk about family memories with. When she goes, I will lose the last person that holds the same memories as me. It's a sobering thought as an only child.
     
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  6. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry to hear that cakeinacrisis. I feel the same way, being an only child here too. My dad abandoned us, and all I have left is my mom. And she is very sick too; I can't imagine life without her, but I'm just hiding from reality if part of me still believes that we will live together forever.
     
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  7. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    That is very true. Wow, I guess I never really confronted that fact before. I sorry your mom is losing her fight...
     
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  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Take lots of pics/videos; record her voice if you can. Ask her everything you'd ever think you'll need to know in life. Ask her about herself, when she wasn't just "mom".
    I'm sending all the strength I can summon to you, my friend. Thank you
    Yeah, you don't think about it until it becomes reality..
    I'm sorry she's losing it, too....
    I just know there's a lesson I'm supposed to be learning; my remaining parent is dying & my husband is a PA. Those 2 shitty things decided to just fall in my lap over the past 6 months & I effing hate life sometimes because of it. I keep telling God, " hey, my man, I get it. You think I'm strong so you tested me. Have I passed yet, because I don't like this game ". He usually responds by throwing me another curve ball. I will never fold, because I want my kids knowing some day that their mom handled some real shit like a champ.
     
  9. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

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    Oh, wow, thank you for this, cakeinacrisis, something broke in me with that first line you wrote, thank you again. She's always brushing off any opportunity to have her picture taken, or her voice recorded, but it's not up to her anymore. I'll try not to make her uncomfortable, but I realise that I need to save what I can of her while I still have time.

    I'm summoning all my strength for you as well, so nice doing business with you in the strength department.

    Something my mom would say, and you are a champ! Your kids are very lucky to have such a strong mom, like I am to have mine! :)
     
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  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Thank you :)
     
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  11. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    If you don't mind, I'd like to move your journal to the Significant Others support forum where you can get support from others in your same situation. The rebooting in relationships forum is for addicts with partners, but I'm assuming from your journal that you don't personally have a porn addiction.
     
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  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    No problem; thx!
     
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  13. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for checking in; it was very kind of you & speaks volumes of your character.
    I am in an incredible amount of pain emotionally; I am struggling right now. Finding meaning & hope is hard when your life continues to resemble that of a circus. The plans I had for the future are the balancing act of this circus.

    This too shall pass; it always does
     
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  14. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    I have not talked to you in 36+ hours. You have not checked in on me, or your children. I see on Google map locations that you're at a restaurant, close to 10 at night..... How nice. Is it with an escort? A mutual friend? A co-worker? Who knows...
    The only things I know to be true right this second are:
    - you abandoned your family long, long ago
    - you were given so many gifts in the form of chances by me, and you've taken a hammer to every one of them.
    - I pray your daughter never has to feel what I feel & I pray your son never does this to a woman.
    - your actions tell me all I need to know about what direction you want this to go
    - all you had to do was be open, respectful, & committed to your family on a consistent basis.
    - you don't accept my emotions without minimizing or blaming me
    - you aren't engaged in our relationship and in our family. You are never fully present, emotionally speaking.
    - I was told by your therapist yesterday that you had an accountability partner? Wtf? Either you're lying to her or me.
    - you have no patience with me & have no clue what empathy means
    - I have never been & continue to not be a priority of yours, although you've been mine for years.
    - you have taken no steps to make me feel safe. You've actually started to traumatize me all over again with your flippant behavior.
    - you have not become any more open & honest with me than you were prior to dday. You continue to purposely manipulate & gaslight me.
    - you do not encourage my healing. You complain about my therapist to the point of me not giving a single eff anymore.

    One of the kids & I both have temps, which meant my mom couldn't come help today (in case you've forgotten, your mother-in-law has cancer & just finished 6 rounds of chemo; her immune system is shot). Don't worry :) , you know I've got this; enjoy your night out.

    Cake
     
  15. INFJ here.
    I wish that someday he reads this journal, and feel this grief I'm feeling right now.
     
  16. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    INFJ is the worst when you've been betrayed. My sense of being has been taken against my will.
    As INFJs, we give everything we can to others & spend an insane amount of time trying to sympathize with & understand our friends/loved ones. INFJs use their intuition to make decisions & we are supurb judges of character; this is why our circles are small. If we let a person in by opening up & becoming vulnerable, it is one of the most extreme feelings an INFJ can have. It means we've let our guard down, saw something in that human, & let them into our very private world. We are devestated when our intuition leads us astray.
    When our kind get hurt, we get pretty intense/passionate about our feelings of betrayal/hurt. The ones that hurt us are clueless as to the hours we INFJs had spent mentally "vetting" these potential friends/acquaintances. INFJs tend to be very intense in times of hurt/betrayal. They want their perpetrator to really regret their decisions to hurt them, not physical harm, rather more in the form of a permanent stonewall.
    I usually handle betrayal/disrepect from other individuals, even family, but cutting them off. I will literally remove myself from the betrayal & hurt, never to look back again; you screw me over, you use me, you disrespect me in any way & I will cut you off & not think twice.

    So. Why in the hell have I not cut my husband out of my life? It goes against everything I am as a person.

    I regret not realizing that only certain people can actually "feel" feelings in this world earlier in life. I naively assumed everyone had a heart & will use this as a teaching opportunity for my children. Some people truly only care about themselves. That breaks my heart for them..
     
  17. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    I’m really sorry to read of your struggle on here. I know I’m only seeing a one-sided snapshot of your life by you seem like a really good, caring person. Us addicts can be so unbelievably stupid and self-destructive sometimes
     
  18. Hi, I'm sure you already know this but it doesn't hurt to repeat it. Your husband's P habit is not an objective evaluation of your qualities and it's not even a reflection of your husband's feelings towards you. I in no way mean to belittle your suffering or excuse his behavior; what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't overanalyze the PA and infer that you're somehow flawed just based on that. Same goes for Myers-Briggs - it's a pseudoscientific Sorting Hat, not any more trustworthy than a horoscope. Don't let it decide your mental state for you.
     
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  19. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    Today you came home; 48 hours after I told you to get out due to being a dry drunk. It was clear you timed this surprise "Lucy, I'm home" type of arrival, based on your wants & selfish addict behavior. Why didn't you "want to be there for your kids" at 6 o'clock this morning? You missed them so much, you couldn't get home until after I had already packed lunches & snacks? Until I had wrestled them & got them dressed myself? Until you knew I had loaded them up in the truck while it was like a goddamn hurricane in Alaska outside? Until you knew I had made the preschool dropoff? Until you were sure enough time had passed for me to feel bad about telling you to get out? How convenient that you missed the chaos, continuing to take me for granted. I also hate to burst your bubble, but I do not feel one bit of remorse for forcing you to leave because you continue to be this "moral knight" but can't follow your own principles! You are a dry drunk, full of anger & resentment. Being a dry drunk is causing me trauma over & over again. I had to force you to leave FOR MY OWN SANITY. You, my friend, have no business telling me how to behave. Your "irrational & unsupportive spouse" has been the very opposite, you just can't see it.
    The girl you're convinced is set on ruining you & everything around you, is actually your angel. Take the fucking blinders off.

    Cake

    *Any info on dry drunk & sex addiction is welcome*


     
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  20. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Makes sense....I look forward to chatting with you when things settle down on my end. My brain is mush right now & I am confident you understand....I don't want to deprive either of us from a learning opportunity.

    Thank you for reaching out. It is very audacious of you considering our history, & it will definitely be noted.
     
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