Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

We are both still learning and there are still a lot of bumps/setbacks, but yes - he has come a long way, much to my surprise.
Thank you so much, from us both!

 

DAY 335:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night, since we spoke a lot in the morning, we decided to watch TV. As we were watching, he paused and starting talking. He was getting teary-eyed talking about how happy he was, just sitting here watch TV together and thinking about that holiday party, to know we were the only couple there that was truly connected and it saddens him to think how many [years] parties I sat there, alone, unconnected and miserable - just like those other wives, and he didn't even bat an eye then. Neither of us thought this was possible, to be honest, I still feel like I am in the middle of a dream and haven't been woken up yet, once I do wake up, it will all be over and that scares me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Wayne Dyer: Rules For Success In Life", where he gives us his most important rules for success in life. "As you think, so shall you be" - which is the general point of many of these motivational speakers, what you think, is what becomes.

My mom asked for the address for the place Wade and I were going to spend NYE, just in case, so she has it. I told her that there was time and I would get it to her later and she was like, "time? it's tomorrow!" and then I got a flush of heat [anxiety] come over me, it dawned on me "oh shit! NYE is tomorrow!" I completely lost track of time this week and forgot it was here already! So the whole day I've had this uneasy feeling just sitting inside me, on and off - I've been trying to push it off, but it creeps back up, there's too much fear going through my head.

This morning we decided to give our girls a year-end, YES day. A new tradition we plan on making, we took them to do some pottery/painting, the little one did a toy ride and carousel, the eldest did VR, then Build-A-Bear, family lunch and then ice cream. The girls were ecstatic and that made both Wade and I really happy and grateful for the time, day and moments we were able to share together - finally both being present as parents, what a difference. Of course, not everything was 'peachy' for me, it was a Sunday afternoon at the mall, right before New Years, so it was packed and I had a lot of triggers to deal with. I also noticed I wasn't alone in being triggered, Wade wasn't having an easy time with all of the eye candy around either, he looked a bit tense and it seems as if he kept trying to grab onto me to distract himself from them [from slipping I guess] as it was occurring specifically when someone he would have definitely enjoyed ogling in the past, was nearby. I don't know how I feel about being a distraction, I mean I guess it's better that he pay attention to me instead of other women, but I don't know if it is such a good thing - when it is being done, just to keep himself from looking at others. When it started becoming too overwhelming I just popped in my earbud in one ear, so I could ground myself somewhat because I really didn't want to ruin the mood for our girls. I did my best to contain my triggers and it was not easy at all. The only other thing was, that experience made me even more paranoid about tomorrow night - like, if an afternoon at the mall is so difficult of a challenge for us, what does that mean for a party atmosphere, where people [women] will be barely dressed, dancing provocatively, just walking around and pretty much in our faces at every turn and we are adding an open bar to the mix too, which will inhibit his judgment too. I'm just scared that one night, can ruin everything and reset/trigger me or him, back to square one. Sigh, my nerves are a wreck about tomorrow night, I really don't know if it was such a good idea for me to book this, maybe it would have been a safer bet to celebrate at home this year, trigger/risk-free.

Anyway, when we got home, I was finally away from all of the triggers, I was able to calm my brain down a little, but not completely - it's still festering inside me, I feel it. He repainted my nails because I did a hack job on them lol and he actually did a really good job, I appreciate the help, it's not easy doing it myself - the pampering did help relax me a bit, he plans on helping me color my hair tonight too, since I can't now because of my nails. He's being a good sport about all this stuff, normally if we had the money, I'd go to the salon and waste hundreds of bucks to get all this done -- but he does just as good and we save a ton of money. It's funny though, before recovery, he never once offered to help me paint my nails or color my long hair, even when he saw how difficult it was for me to do myself, but now he offers himself, without me asking - how things have changed. He said he thought about giving me a massage today too, but I told him it's fine, I would feel guilty about that, I don't deserve a freaking spa treatment, he'll break his back by the time he is done with me tonight and then won't be able to walk tomorrow.

I hope my triggers from today settle some more, so I don't go into tomorrow already triggered. My back is killing me too, I'm trying to be positive but damn, 2018 is really kicking my ass.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I was triggered, I was able to ground myself enough to remain coherent and sane, to keep my girls day happy and humble.

#Motivation
Wayne Dyer's Top 10 Rules For Success!


#Healing
Mindful Exercise For Overcoming Anxiety


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 336:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked a little bit about my triggers from the mall and my fears for tonight. I don't have much time to type tonight, as I do have to get ready but we got a lot out during our talk. He was really sweet, he gave me a manicure, colored my hair and gave me a foot rub too. As he did my hair, I was scrolling through my phone, he noticed a photo of some models in bikini's and then told me that it reminded him, that he wanted to tell me about some urges he has had when driving past a lingerie store. He said sometimes seeing those outfits, triggered him to 'want to see more', sort of like when he flipped through one of my magazines before with bras, he wanted to look at those images a few seconds longer. We probably should have talked about it longer, but I don't really know how to help him with that, maybe we'll talk about it some more this week. By the end of the night, I felt so relaxed and pampered by the end of the night - that I almost forgot about my fears lol I actually slept in, for the first time in months.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Sage Life Lessons From A Trio of Centenarians", where they take a walk through history so us listeners can get some great life lessons from a trio of centenarians. Old people are full of so much wisdom!

This morning we slept in, well, what we consider sleeping in for us lol compared to getting right out of bed at 6:00 am. Then we ran some errands so we had stuff for the week. I worked on a quick project for a client and finished in the nick of time! Now I'm a nervous wreck, trying not to think about tonight, while the thoughts are fluttering in and out anyway, giving me stress no matter how much I try to push it away. The clock keeps ticking as we get closer to me having to face my fears, but the NYE event is already paid for and it's too late to cancel, I'm about to start getting ready and it's becoming more and more real, that we are about to go out, into what could be something quite traumatic for me... and overwhelming for him. I guess there's only one way to know what's really going to end up happening and that is to just, go and deal with shit as it goes down I guess.

I would just like to take some time to wish all of you a great 2019! let's all remember that a new year is a chance to make new beginnings and let go of old regrets. So, Happy New Year to all!

*BONUS* Jay Shetty posted a New Years challenge, so I figured I would repost it here, for anyone else interested in trying, I bolded my goals:
A 2019 Challenge from Jay Shetty:
Pick 3 that you’re going to make a focus for 2019We will never change our lives until we change something we do daily. Our habits define us. The mistake we make is we either make no changes or we try to change everything all at once. Change one thing at a time, expect failure and build a plan to deal with it.

01. Watch Educational Shows
02. Learn Stuff Online
03. Read Books or ebooks
04. Stay in Touch with Family
05. Choose Your Friends Wisely
06. Get Rid of Toxic Friends
07. Find a Mentor
08. Start That Business
09. Start a New Hobby
10. Learn a language
11. Set Goals
12. Plan Your Day and Week
13. Make a Plan for Your Life
14. Practice Gratitude
15. Practice Meditation
16. Exercise
17. Learn More Skills
18. Drink Less Alcohol
19. Don't Worry About Opinions
20. Eat Healthier
21. Learn to Cook
22. Sleep and Wake Up Earlier
23. Stop Procrastinating
24. Manage Your Time Better
25. Stick to a Routine
26. Travel More
27. Save Your Money
28. Invest Your Money
29. Spend Money on Experiences
30. Challenge Yourself Daily
31. Visualize Success
32. Forgive Others
33. Stop Trying to Win Approval
34. Take Pride in Your Appearance
35. Love Yourself
36. Listen to Podcasts

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
About to go face my fears, Happy New Years Y'all!

#Motivation
10 Habits to Start Before 2019

01- Declutter.
02- Do something that challenges you, daily.
03- Reframe.
04- meet new people.
05- Start being honest with yourself.
06- Start being organized.
07- Calculate a budget, income, expenses.
08- Do yoga.
09- Journal and reflect.
10- Laugh daily.

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 337:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night I faced my fears, we went to the New Years Eve party and it was a mixed bag of emotions for me. For the most part, I ended up having a great time with Wade, he was really attentive and sweet all night (getting car doors, pulling chairs, holding onto me, walking with me everywhere etc.) which made me feel like I was his priority, that he was there for me/us etc., and the music (my go-to grounding tool) that was blasting most of the night was a huge help. He kept taking me dancing (which he used to hate doing before btw) and well everywhere he went, he wanted me to go with him. Of course, there were A LOT of attractive women there, dressed very sexy and that was extremely triggering for me, everywhere I turned, there was someone sexier than the next chick and it was very overwhelming for me but I was trying my best to keep it together and not to ruin the night/experience for either of us. I felt like I was going through mental/emotional gymnastics most of the night, I had moments when I would lose myself and start to feel good/loved and even had some thoughts creeping in that maybe Wade found me attractive at this moment or that one and then one of 'them' would appear and BAM, all those thoughts would vanish instantly and turn straight into "if he had the chance, of course, he would prefer to be here with one of them instead of old frumpy me, who am I kidding? I need to stop living in a fantasy world and wake up to smell the roses, facts are facts, just look at her and then look at yourself..." and he kept telling me to look at him, focus on his eyes so I won't pay attention to 'them' and see how happy he was to be there with me, but I can't/couldn't help where my triggers take me and not to mention I'm not naive or blind, I can see them and know the types he enjoys looking at and all the reasons why [what parts] and I know he noticed each and every one of them too -- probably slipped but I don't think he would admit it, look I'm not in his head so, no - I don't know what he's really thinking when he notices them and I never will, that's the scary part for me. I can't control the unknown or what-ifs, it's out of my power, so it's something that I'll never be able to settle within myself, how could I? but in my mind, I know for certain there is no way in hell I can ever-EVER compete with those type of women - I look nothing like them and never will, no matter what I do, so, these triggers are a life sentence for me and I don't know how realistic it is to live with them all the time. It's like living in two different worlds when we are alone together at home vs when we are out together with other people around and that is scary as shit for me, it's not sustainable for a couple to just sit at home all the time to avoid mental breakdowns. Anyway, there would be times where I did get distracted enough because of the music/concert/dancing and the triggers would level out a little, I would notice him smiling at me, and I thought that was so cute, he kept telling me that he couldn't stop smiling because we were here, ringing in the New Year with him as this new guy and how everything is going to be different from now on, for us - I sure hope so, but I still worry that with a snap of a finger things can go back to how they used to be. We both drank, but we didn't get wasted, even with an open bar - so both of us were mentally and physically present to welcome the New Year, together for the first time, in forever. AND FOR ONCE, we both actually wanted to be there to meet the new year, with each other. We did notice a couple across from us, who was us, literally a year ago - completely disconnected, she was ignored almost the whole night, adding two cents here and there but overall she was fidgetting with her phone, hands or bag, as he talked to other people or played on his phone. Most of the couples there seemed disconnected, based on body language alone, before we would not have picked up on this, but now that we do, it's pretty crazy how many there are like this. Then on one of my restroom visits, as I was leaving, there was one chick throwing up and another who was bitching to her friend about breaking up with her boyfriend because he was spending the whole night looking at other women "if he wants to be with someone else, then he can go be with someone else" and her friend agreeing with a loud (almost cheerful) "you're so right!". That was me, for so many years, well not throwing up - but thinking "if he wants to be with her or her or her, then why doesn't he just ask me for a divorce, be done with it and just go be with someone he wants? and I can go be free to find someone who actually wants me!". However, this night, I actually didn't feel like he really wanted to be with anyone else, but I have to say it was really challenging having to push through my triggers, but even with triggers, I still felt really connected to him. I felt how he was acting towards me was loving, authentic and genuine. I felt he was 100% there with me (mind and body) and I wanted to be there with him, even when my triggers were causing my mind to go haywire, I still wanted to feel his touch, I wanted to be held by him, dance with him and I wanted to kiss him at midnight - nobody else. We spent so much time on the dance floor that I don't know how long it will take for my feet to recover. We both really had fun when one of our favorite performers came out and sang her hits, it was great. After we shared our midnight kiss, I gave him a little gift, as a token of my appreciation for all his hard work and all the wonderful things he has done for me, it wasn't anything big, but something with meaning that he can wear with anything. On the way home, I felt so comfortable and safe with him, that I just laid my head on his shoulder as he hugged me, then he asked me if I would consider going out like this with him again, next year... and I said that overall I did have an amazing time with him (when triggers weren't interrupting) and I never imagined I would ever say that, I would definitely think about it, but it's a whole year away and so much can happen 'or go down'... I guess we will just have to see. Anyone reading must be thinking "damn, she sounds so confused" and that is because I sure am. My heart and mind are on two separate pages and pulling me in two different directions, I am the poster child of "confused" right about now. I love him, I love how we are right now, I love how I feel when I'm with him these days, it is everything I've always wanted but never thought possible with him... but... there are things that are out of my control too and I am fully aware of them (mentioned above) and that fear is strong within me and I don't know if it's something I can shake.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Brendon Burchard: Dealing with Difficulties in Life", where his main point is to explain to us how to successfully go about dealing with difficulties in life. His tips? 1. Set Small, Simple Daily Goals and try to complete three of them, each day to feel accomplished. (These can be as simple as taking a shower, going for a walk, or calling a friend). 2. Keep Perspective, draw some strength from the truth that there have been positive, good, happy times in life and that those moments and memories can return and are always with you. 3. Ask, “What could I learn now to better handle this stage of my life?” 4. Be Your Best Self Despite the Difficulties. 5. Keep Gratitude Alive. This is the time to get grateful for the choices and blessings you do have, for the people you have supporting you, for who you are and who you can become.

This morning we had a really lazy day, did nothing until the afternoon - then we went to UNO's for a family lunch, since the girls are going back to school tomorrow. There were minor triggers there but I didn't let them get to me. My feet (as predicted) are killing me, BADDDDDDDDDDDDD, but dancing to some of my favorite songs was so worth it lol.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Faced my fears last night, rang in the New Year with Wade, kissed and toasted to a better 2019, together.

#Motivation
Brendon Burchard - Dealing with Difficult Times in Life:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Thank you so much @Susannah! I appreciate your kind words and understanding. <3

It is a difficult place to be in, this state of limbo but overall it was a great night I am happy to report

 

DAY 338:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we watched some TV as he gave me a foot rub, which felt so freaking good, omg my feet were in so much pain after dancing the night away in heels on NYE, so the massage felt amazingggggggg. I just love when he touches me, that makes it all so much better, always. Then we laid down and talked about NYE, where he asked me about my thoughts and feelings from the night before. I told him exactly what I expressed in my journal (this post). Of course from his side of it, he says he only had eyes for me that night and based on connection alone -- I felt really connected to him that night, but as I mentioned in my post... unless I can read his mind, I can not know that for sure, because technically speaking, he can tell me anything and I would have no choice but to take him at his word - but, what is he really thinking when he notices all those beautiful and sexy women that only a year ago he was drooling over, only he truly knows that.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Isaiah Hankel: How To Finally Stop Living In The Past", where his main point is the longer you stay stuck in the past, hoping to relive moments where things were/felt better, the fewer opportunities you have to move forward and maybe even experience something better. His tips are: First, eliminate people who try to keep you in the past, toxic people who prefer that you stay stuck for their own benefit. They do this so they can control you or manipulate you, who could this be? the family member who still treats you like a child, the boss who acts like you're still an entry-level employee or the friend who reminds you of all the mistakes you used to make. There's no room in your life for these people, the first step to moving forward in life is to get rid of the people holding you back. Second, get curious about what's possible for your future. It's easy to give up/put off on your future when the present constantly keeps you busy with urgent deadlines, bills to pay and a never-ending stream of obligations to fulfill. Imagining what's possible for your life takes real effort this is because imagination requires uncovering opportunities and stepping outside of your comfort zone it requires defining the undefined daydreaming about the past, on the other hand, it is much easier replaying the good old days in your head and it is why so many people get stuck on repeat. If you want to start moving forward with your life you need to start imagining what's possible for your future you need to rediscover the childlike curiosity buried deep inside of you remember anything is possible no matter your circumstance. You can change your life right now the world is a big place and it's more connected now than ever. The only person holding you back is you-you don't have to make a great change right now but you do have to start imagining it get curious about what's possible for your life only then will you be able to start making new things happen for yourself. Third, hit the reset button on your life and create a fresh start - nothing is more exciting than a fresh start. Nothing is more invigorating than finally making a decision to live your life the way you've always wanted to once you've eliminated the people holding you back and started imagining new possibilities for yourself. It's time to take the action you need to define what you want and why you want it. You need to define who you want to become but don't get stuck there, keep moving forward on to bigger and better things. The biggest obstacle most people face in life is getting past who they are now or who they used to be, they want to change but they are afraid of becoming someone new, what if the new me fails too? what if the new me succeeds and can't handle the success? both of these questions are filled with self-doubt and linked to the limiting belief that your future self is not better than your current self. You need to break up with your old self, it sounds weird but it's true, you need to break up with your old self and become someone new. You need to reinvent your life, you need to stop limiting yourself.

This morning we went for our walk at the mall, we had tickets to see Aquaman anyway, so we got there early so we can get our exercise in too. We walked and talked, spent a bit of time discussing my triggers and self-esteem and how the two might be related... piggybacking on our discussion from last night. He believes that if I get to a place where I can stop comparing myself and think of myself as beautiful (like "yes they are beautiful, but I am too") that it will change my overall outlook and how I perceive he wants me too. I tried to explain to him that there are two separate things going on when it comes to that/my triggers. For instance, at the NYE party, I wasn't looking at those women and thinking "damn, she is so pretty, her ass is so big and round, I wish I looked more like her!" for myself, because I want to look like her - because I actually don't, I personally don't like big asses and don't want to have one, it was more "Yep, I know he sees her, yep she has the type of ass I know for a fact that he just loves, the kind of ass I will never be able to have, therefore I can never compete with someone like her, and I know he'll always want someone like her, over someone like me, any day of the week - no matter how hard he tries to convince me or himself, otherwise". It does not matter if I personally believe I am the most beautiful woman on this planet, if what I know to be true is that the person I am in a relationship with prefers other types of women over me... I've seen who he has drooled over intensely for over 12 years and unless I go under the knife, I will never look like any of those types of women. So, that is why I don't think I will ever get to a place where I will believe that I'm ever going to be physically his type and that is where the big problem lies for me, I do not believe he wants me, not like that, but I do believe that he truly loves me now and that's what is driving his current attraction. Living with those constant triggers and thoughts always circulating in the back of my head is unbearable. Yes, right now on an intimacy level I am deeply in love with the man he has been becoming for the last year now, sometimes it is hard to believe he is the same man who did all those things to me... and we are more connected then I had ever thought possible, when we are alone I zone out because I feel so happy in my heart, but, I can't shake always feeling like I am just never going to be 'physically it/enough' for him and I am inevitably going to end up getting hurt again, once he realizes that I'm not physically enough for him and things will go back to how they've been before, only this time the damage I'll suffer will be so much worse, because I've let him in so deeply and all of that scares me. My brain is torn.

Then I listened to "Sex, Love and Addiction Q&A" a podcast by Rob Weiss, a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships, and addiction, while the rest of the family watch some cartoons together. He went over various topics in this podcast, like "How do you know if you or your partner are an addict?" his advice for a partner is always trust what you feel, trust what you see, and don’t stop at no because an addicts go-to is gaslighting. He also answers some questions that a lot of S.O's worry about when discovery happens and they find a treasure trove of content, including gay, bi, trans etc., like is this a threat to our marriage, and will he leave me for a man? he says that just because an addict was acting out to this type of material does not automatically mean he will leave you for a man, or that he is homosexual. The first step is having an open conversation, letting him know what you found/saw, and asking him directly what it means to him. There was quite a few good Q&A type of sets in this podcast, very interesting.


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I love the look and fit of these hip hugging jeans.

#Motivation
Isaiah Hankel - How To Stop Living In The Past And Move Forward:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Thank you, for understanding <3

 

DAY 339:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk, because we did so earlier in the day. We watched a Netflix original movie "Outlaw King", it was a good movie, we both liked it a lot. There was a pretty graphic sex scene, he didn't say anything - so I didn't know if he was getting triggered or anything. He promised he would ease my mind when things like that pop up by letting me know if it is affecting him, but he remained silent, so I guess it didn't? who knows.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Just Be Happy Here's How", where they put together a bunch of audio clips of well-known voices in the motivational speaking world. All of which had inspiring, uplifting and positive words of wisdom that could brighten anyone's mood.

This morning we walked the rounds at our local park while we listened to "Ep: 57 Emotional Infancy vs. Emotional Maturity" from BAE's podcast. As we listened, we paused often and talked about what BAE was saying and how we could relate, where we found similarities and how we've been changing. How he had zero emotional maturity (he'll go into his issues on his journal) and although I may have been mature technically speaking and not as reactive as him, emotionally I was just numbing out - I was so disconnected from him and the world - nothing mattered anymore. It was the only way I could survive in this marriage, this long, without turning to some addiction myself or doing something even worse. Bottling up was my go-to, which I've learned is considered "avoidance", which is also a form of emotional immaturity. Instead of dealing with issues, I stuffed them down and made them go away, only telling myself if I ignore it or 'let it go', it made the problem "go away" too - but boy was I wrong. Only after beginning self-care and healing, where I had to actually (and finally) face my pain head-on, did I truly discovered the gravity of the damage that was inflicted and buried so deep over the years. Now that the wound has been opened and allowed to see the light of day, it is extremely sensitive and driving me completely insane, daily, but today I have the tools to deal with it/manage it - that I never had before, including being able to actually verbalize my issues to Wade, another person and not try to deal with it all on my own.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
It's such a relief, being able to talk to Wade about my pain, triggers, fears, and issues - without holding back... when in the past I only had myself to turn to.

#Self-Care
This is Why Self-Discipline is Easy (Animated Story)


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 340:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we skipped our talk because we spoke so much earlier in the day, so we finished Travelers season 3, damn it is such a good show. I don't know if it is going to be renewed or not, but I sure hope it will be. Then we also planned the first six months of our yearly plan! #biteofftheelephant

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Practical Psychology: A Useful Self Improvement Checklist", where they give us a very handy self-improvement checklist, in detail and with a breakdown on why each of the points is important. The checklist includes 1. Gratitude, 2. Mindfulness, 3. Organization, 4. Assertiveness, 5. Overcoming Fears, 6. Books Practical, and 7. Courses.

This morning we went walking at the mall, we would have gone to the park, but we needed to pick up the art the girls made during their yes day, last week, turned out it wasn't ready so we have to return later LOL. Oh well, we ended up walking and talking for a few hours, though talk but productive, about my issues and how I feel, about if he feels attracted to me (or not) compared to other women. Also, if he does get another chance, will that trigger his brain into complacency? then cycling back into addiction? he says no, but I still have that 5% tearing me to pieces, I don't want to hurt again, especially not after opening myself up so much. The day was great, it was like we had a 6.5 hr date we walked, earned some money, had a lunch date, then an afternoon romp aha. We felt so connected and in sync the whole time, I love these types of days so much and at the same time, they confuse the crap out of me. I hate my brain, it hurts.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Felt really close to Wade today, it felt good.

#Self-Care
Self Improvement Checklist - 7 Growth-Inspiring Ideas and Tactics:


Anger Management Tips For Parents


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 341:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he gave me a nice and soothing foot rub as we watched some TV. It was a nice way to end the night, after such a pleasant and proactive day. He also brought up some thoughts/revelations about his true feelings, from when we were trying to have our second child. It was nice hearing his true feelings, although I have to say, not surprising at all. Nothing we were doing at the time, was for the right reasons, either of us.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "John Paul Dejoria and Mel Robbins: Life Lessons Learned by High Achievers", where the main point was that sometimes painful things can teach us lessons that we didn't think we needed to know. Mel Robbins also goes into dealing and beating self-doubt and that's a biggie for me.

This morning the weather was bad, so we opted to get some walking done at Best Buy, well, earn some money which requires running all around the store, which means burning calories = win/win, especially since Wade ended up earning $25! plus we got some recovery work in too. As we drove to and from we began listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 56 I Didn't Know I Was Numb", pausing and discussing it along the way. We didn't finish the whole podcast, but we will tonight. So far though, it's a really good one (as usual). I can really relate to it. I was emotionally numb for most of my marriage, I didn't even realize I was doing half the stuff I was doing, in order to 'numb' out all of the various emotions, feelings aka pain, loneliness, fear, and depression I felt. I mean I knew I really enjoyed doing those things, it was the only place that made me feel happy and as soon as I got the chance, I logged on and tuned out everything going on around me. But it wasn't until this recovery/healing process, where I was forced to face my pain and truth, head-on, did I discover that what I was actually doing was numbing out my emotions in that way. I turned to things like social media and online gaming because my online world gave me everything I was not getting at home: full attention and feeling wanted. I emerged myself completely in it, to the point where I preferred it to my real life and couldn't wait till Wade left for work and the kids were asleep, just so I could log on, without anyone bothering and so I could forget my real life problems and actually share thoughts, ideas, jokes, similar interests, debate and even get flirted with once in a while (which made me feel like I was still a woman, that someone out there was interested in! even if I never reacted or led them on). Then that opened up the conversation about my triggers and how I feel like when I was numb to my emotions, it was easier because I didn't have them - because I was disconnected and no longer cared. Now, I'm a total wreck and feel like a mental patient when I get triggered. I feel like my triggers are a burden to not only myself, but to him as well. He went into how they are not and he will never feel that way, that he feels that his actions caused them in the first place, and now (through recovery) he has learned empathy, it pains him to realize everything he has put me through and I believe he is being sincere when he says that, I feel that in my heart. It's conversations like this, tender/vulnerable moments like this that show me - just how far we've come, how close we've gotten, how much my heart has opened back up to let him back in... and it reminds me, that this is exactly what I've always wanted out of my marriage. I am finally seeing, feeling and experiencing the husband I thought I was getting, almost 13 years ago... but it took all those years of pain, betrayal, trauma and me finally reaching my breaking point (telling him I was done) for this occur... this past almost 12 months, has been the most confusing experience of my fucking life. Both of us are going through so much, so many emotions, everything is a constant whirlwind.

All I know is, I can not wait to get the little one in bed, so we can finish the podcast tonight and see what else we can open up about.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Enjoyed our heart-to-heart, got a bit vulnerable today.

#Self-Care
Julia Kristina - How To Help Someone with Anxiety:


#Healing
Getting "Triggered" In Your Relationship? Watch this...


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 342:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we finished listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 56 I Didn't Know I Was Numb" while he gave me a really nice back rub and I can not put into words how much I appreciate them, because I love his touch but it also really helps me with my back pain and I know sometimes he does it, even when he is in pain himself. I have to say, there were times it was difficult to concentrate because of how good it felt lol. We dug a little deeper into the past, his and mine - discussed just how much our parents/upbringing has affected us. This gives us all the more reason to pay attention and change how we behave and react to our girls, so we have a positive effect on them. Later in the night, I began feeling dizzy and light headed, just not well, Wade showed concern - genuine concern, a big change from what happened even a few months ago, it was nice to know that I was not alone.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Reggie Rivers: An Unusual Way to Achieve Your Goals", talks with us about how to achieve your goals by going against the conventional methods. Start from assuming your end result is "got it already!" and the way you navigate to achieve your goal, will be with strength, power, and confidence because you know you've already got it in the back, whether or not that is the true end result.

This morning we took the girls to the mall to pick up their artwork! they were happy with their finished products, the pieces looked great. We had a bit of a family day which was nice, had lunch with a nice heart-to-heart with our eldest and even went on the Ferris wheel together. Even though it was Sunday and the mall wasn't empty, I didn't get triggered today, which was such a relief for me, usually, weekends at the mall are trigger-zones for me. I've been drained the last few days, my body has been acting all sorts of ways. Tomorrow we have a really long day ahead of us, so both of us decided to finish up our recovery stuff a bit earlier, so we can talk earlier and go straight to bed after.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was happy that I didn't really get triggered today.

#Motivation
Reggie Rivers: If you want to achieve your goals, don't focus on them:


#Healing
Julia Kristina - Do You Struggle to Have Healthy Relationships? If So, You May Be Codependent.


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 343:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked about our day, covered some recovery topics, he asked me if I had any triggers at the mall and I said no, he said that's progress... I don't think it's too much. We did talk about how much we've changed throughout this past year, how neither of us would have ever been so vulnerable to talking to each other at all before, now we share so much and only with each other. He said he hasn't had any triggers or urges either. Then we talked about how difficult it is growing up female in this world, especially with how much of an acceptable mentally everyone has about "boys club behavior", whether it is at school, work or on the street, we are raising two girls and I use to be afraid for them, now it's both of us. It was so comforting and pleasant laying together, it sucks his vacation is almost over.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Our Friends at Motiversity Remind You To Know Your Why", an inspiring audio clip that I hope will motivate you to get to know your why in life. Like, what inspires us to wake up in the morning and why do we do the things we do. Why do we work the jobs we work and for whom, what is our purpose and are we living to our fullest potential?

This morning my dad had eye surgery, Wade took him, I had to drop the girls off at school. Afterward, we went to do our weekly grocery run and still kept under our $100 budget. Although I'm not as happy, Stop and Shop didn't accept my printable coupons, we could have saved at least another $15, but they were being assholes there. We spoke a little in a car, but nothing major. Things are about to go back to the regular routine again, sigh, I wish his vacation could start all over again.

Got a nifty little to-do email from Jordan Page for this week to save money, here are the rules:
For 7 full days, no eating out in any way!

• Buy groceries, as usual, sticking within your weekly budget. And remember, only go grocery shopping ONE TIME, no matter what! If you need a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread, make it yourself or try to substitute, or if you must, send your spouse or a friend (someone who will come home with just the one item and nothing extra).
• Make everything at home – including coffee, desserts, and school/work lunches. If you can’t make it at home, go without this week. Don’t even buy bottled water! Remember, life is all about choices – sometimes giving up the little things is what allows you to achieve great things! If it didn’t come from your house, don’t eat it. Enough said.
• Entertainment? If it’s your date night, make dinner at home. Or eat at home, then do an activity after and pack your own snacks. Or do an at-home date night!
• Remember, frugality is NOT about giving up everything - everything you want in life…it’s about learning to make choices so you can GET everything you want out of life. Many of us spend money on food without thinking about what we are giving up instead. If you spend $50/week on eating out, that’s $200 per month you could put toward a vacation, paying off debt, buying new clothes, having fun, buying house, paying off loans, or other GREAT things. Don’t get stuck on the “good”, focus on the great!

No, cooking at home doesn’t have to be time-consuming, fancy, or expensive. Last night I thawed out frozen chicken in a bowl of hot water, smeared some store-bought BBQ sauce and seasonings on it, grilled it on our dinky George Foreman thing, microwaved some baked potatoes, opened a can of corn, and BAM. Dinner in a cinch, and it cost us pennies. Glamorous? No. But it tasted fine, we were all fed and happy, and it saved me $40 that I’d much rather put towards something else, more exciting!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Didn't let my neighbors loud ass music get to me, although it was a close call.

#Motivation
Don't Wait! Motivational Video:


#Self-Care/Healing
Julia Kristina - Why You Need to Stop Being So Nice:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 344:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we talked about various things, him taking a spin at being an AP for others, also, how life would be different for me, if I move onto someone new... but then he made me ponder, "would it though", that I would be entering all new relationships with baggage from this one and constantly put the new guy under a cloud of suspicion, wondering if he too will hurt me. So, in essence, he was asking, why not stay with him because I know he is putting in the work to make sure he doesn't hurt me again and someone new has just as much chance to hurt me again. He did make some fair points, ones I never bothered to really think about, because I never thought so far ahead, not even last January. My only point back was, with someone new I wouldn't have all this history or triggers, also I'd have zero connection to that person, so getting hurt by them wouldn't sting as much as say, getting hurt by him right now.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "An Inspiring Message On Learning From Failure", where the main point was that we must learn something from each of our mistakes or from failure and continue to move forward, with the lessons we've learned and grown from.

This morning we had to go to a doctors appointment, so after dropping off our girls at school we decided to make a pitstop at CVS to run an errand (saving over $40 with coupons!) but as fantastic as that part was... it was short lived because one of his primes presented herself, that's when shit hit the fan. We had to step aside to figure something out so the person behind us was called up to be rung out, his prime was now up close and personal, as soon as she walked up to the cashier, Wade began acting antsy and looked really uncomfortable. First thing I whispered to him because it was so obvious was "are you having a problem?" and his response was "nope, not at all" he knew exactly what I was referring to. So, translation to me? he decided to lie/gaslight me again after giving me a whole lecture on how he is changing, second thought? his behavior around his primes just proves my point that he really prefers them to me and always will, that will never-ever change so I need to either 'learn to live with it and be miserable in my thoughts' (which is no better than the last 12 years) or move on because it was very apparent today that it takes a lot of strain for him to control himself, when temptation catches him out of left field - even when I'm right next to him, period. She had the body/bubble butt he is desperately attracted to, something I do not have and do not want to have - I feel like my being there only gets in the way of him being able to appreciate "them" in the way he really would like to. He keeps telling me that I am all he wants, but at this point, I do not know who he is trying to convince more - me or himself. The way I see it is, yes there are other attractive people out there, I am not blind or naive to that, but, if you are as happy aka "satisfied" as you say you are, with what you have and who you are standing literally right next to you-you wouldn't get jumpy, antsy or uncomfortable when one of your primes pop up, because you are next to someone that you claim you want more than anyone else. This is why I'm so fearful of going with my gut, I refuse to be hurt all over again and now that I've finally gotten myself to a place where I found the courage to stand up for myself, I will not play second fiddle to anyone or anything, any longer, those days are done. I want to be with someone where I know where I stand with him, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I AM who that person needs, wants, desires and puts before anyone else. I want to be able to go to CVS with him and I shouldn't have to care if a VS model walks in, because my man wouldn't even flinch because he just doesn't care, he is so satisfied/fulfilled with his woman and doesn't need to contain/control himself from looking elsewhere. That's what I want, does a man like that exist? who knows, but I don't feel like living the rest of my life wondering if my husband constantly wants other women over me. I just can't do that anymore.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Managed to keep my bP low during my Dr appointment.

#Addiction
10 Excuses of Porn Addicted Professionals and Husbands:


#Self-Care/Healing
Julia Kristina - How To STOP Negative Self-Talk | aka Being an A*Hole to Yourself:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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.

 

I'm, let's say 89.9% sure, the rest he did add, later after we talked about it, that he was worried about me getting triggered. Although, he also admitted he did have thoughts about how he would have ogled her in the past and that he is trying not to act on his old behaviors because he is not that person anymore etc. But, he doesn't get this way around all triggers aka 'threats', only particular ones, that's how I'm more aware of the differences in his behaviors, I just feel it in my gut.

 

Loves, yes.

Wants, under question.