Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Thank your words

 

DAY 179:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• My husband has been honest with me in general...
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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First I would like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes - I appreciate them.

Last night I told Wade we should skip our talk and go straight to the evening we had planned - which was to end my birthday on a positive note: watch a movie [mindless comedy] and drink wine. He wanted to talk first anyway, so we did. We discussed the incident from earlier in the day, my trigger and he apologized for ignoring my wishes and entering the space of my trigger, causing that trigger to intensify. I told him at this point it didn't make much of a difference, so whatever - it is, what it is. Then we went inside and watched "Life of the Party" with Melissa McCarthy, it was a very funny movie but it hit a little too close to home in an awkward and weird way, kind of like a look into a possible future. The irony was not lost, on either of us, I think. Anyway, even though his hand hurt, he still gave me a nice foot rub, I did tell him he didn't have to but he insisted. Afterward, we went into the bedroom from other festivities... let's just say, stress relievers.

This morning, I had a work project I needed to work on, so I suggested Wade take our older daughter to the movies. So, he first dropped me off for my morning walk, took the little one to daycare, stopped by so he could make one circle with me. We talked a little bit about the day before, the trigger and how sorry he still was. Then we got home, I went right to work and he took our older daughter to see Hotel Transylvania 3 and then they went and had lunch together as well. I think them spending some 'daddy & daughter' time is a really good thing. After he got home, he wanted to take a nap, I continued working and I watched some of his PA Recovery videos that he wanted me to check out, so we could discuss them later, so I did. It was time to pick up the little one, so on the car ride there, we discussed a certain part of one of the videos. It was about how you (the recovered PA) should be with/sleep with a person who you want/desire, always. If not, there will always be consequences and you will feel shameful and always end up regretting it and another big pitfall is if you are sleeping with someone who you don't find attractive/someone you desire you have a bigger risk of relapsing back into PM. AND THAT right there is exactly one of my biggest fears with staying with Wade. He asked me during the car ride, how is it I can have two reality's and believe them both to be true/real. For instance last night during our "stress relief session, how in those moments we are so in love, we are like one person, everything is right, in sync, we want each other, we desire each other and it feels perfect" and then when a trigger hits, I am in another reality, sure of another truth, where I don't feel connected to him, I feel like I am never going to be enough, etc... I told him that's just how it is. I said I WISH I could easily just pretend this was just a new relationship, hit the reset button and start over. I hate the triggers, they are the worst thing to come of this whole experience for me, I preferred what I was so emotionally disconnected from him that I didn't even know what the hell a trigger was. Unfortunately the closer we've gotten, the more intense these triggers have become. Maybe it is because I've never really dealt with them in the first place, none of the pain or trauma of my 12 years. I've always taken it, festered, kept it to myself, sucked it up and pretended everything was okay - for the outside world because I didn't want anyone to know the truth, that my marriage wasn't "picture perfect". So, yes when we are alone, intimate, when the focus is just us two - it is like we are in another world, that's true and it's one reality. However, when we hit the real world and I am forced to come head to head with my truth, my memories, my pain, fears, PTSD, anger, it brings me to another reality, the unfortunate truth of where I am stuck and exactly why I am so confused these days. I told him last night, I don't know if this is something I could continue to live with, to constantly be triggered or be afraid to go out and celebrate or have fun, because "she might be there", who's "she"? well anyone really, doesn't matter - someone who will inevitably trigger me, because I am with him and that's apart of our relationship now. Yes our connection is deep, we can talk about anything and that is remarkable and I don't think I will ever have that with anyone else, but if I can't go out in peace with him, ever again, that's also not the kind of life I want. That's exactly the reason I wanted to leave in the first place because I was miserable and felt like I wasn't wanted, I had zero security in my marriage and zero happiness. In a perfect world, I wish I could snap my fingers and this trigger bullshit would dissipate and we could go out and I wouldn't need to hyperventilate at the sight of someone he would have ogled, but we don't live in a perfect world and that's the problem. I'm not saying someone new would guarantee that I wouldn't ever get triggered again, but maybe I wouldn't be SO aware of this new person's "type" as I already am with Wade, so perhaps the triggers wouldn't be as intense? I don't know. OR maybe if I find someone just as damaged as me, they wouldn't even have to look at anyone else, so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

My thing is there are too many unknown's for me, I don't know if Wade truly, really deeply, desires me, want-wants me - physically (solo) / mentally and even though he says yes now, I can't be sure of it, not sure if I ever will be either.

This is the video I was referencing for anyone interested, the specific part starts at 4:57.


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Hmmm, great question.

To be honest, I don't know, I think the reason why I don't really know is that I wasn't planning for ... any of this, I didn't think there would be anything for me to be "accepting", other than the fact that I would be separating from my husband and marriage in about two years. My mind was prepared for divorce, in two years time - I never considered Wade doing anything about his PA, ever. So, this recovery sort of came at me out of left field, I wasn't prepared for it or my own healing. It's all new for me, a huge learning curve. As much as I'm liking all of these changes within him, 12 years of damage that have been bottled up and is only now slowly coming up to the surface. So I am for the first time having to face all of this trauma, so I don't know how to accept it or move on, I am trying but it's not easy because I can't control triggers when they hit. That's one of the worst parts of it, not being able to control or stop the triggers.

I've forgiven him for the cheating. Currently, I am processing and trying to deal with the ogling/PA/betrayal trauma as a whole, what has been sitting inside me for years, is finally seeing the light of day. It's both a good and bad thing though (in a sense).

At the moment, I still don't know if these triggers will ever get better or subside in their intensity, so whether I accept Wade in recovery, generally speaking (current, past and future) dealing with the triggers is the issue for me, those triggers are causing a grave insecurity as well.

So, I guess to "kind of" answer your question, honestly, at the moment I just don't know what acceptance looks like to me, because I wasn't prepared for it. I wasn't planning on having my own recovery/healing either. At this point I don't know if the 'D' word is even off the table yet - as much as I would love to reconsider and save my marriage, I need to feel secure in my marriage, without that security, it won't work and these triggers have me feeling all sorts of ways.

Sorry, I guess it's a reply but a non-answer?

 

Listen, prod away, questions give me pause and make me think. Self-reflection is good, it helps me figure things out. So, never hesitate, it's helpful for me

 

DAY 180:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night was a slow night for us, we didn't talk too much. I took a quick shower before our talk and put on the robe he bought me and came out onto the balcony. He was happy about that and full of sweet little compliments, it was cute. Then we continued our talk from the earlier car ride, about the two sets of truths that I carry with me, one when we are connected and alone these days -- then the other, when we are out and I get triggered back into remembering exactly why I am in the position, I am in right now, in the first place. Then we actually discussed @TryingHard2Change's thought-provoking question to me... about what acceptance would look like to me and I told Wade pretty much what I responded on here with, that right now, I just don't know anything. Then a bit of a cute moment, Wade goes "Hey! I just noticed you are wearing 3 things that I've bought you!" and I said yes and even more than that lol... I also have on two sets of earrings he got me as well. We both laughed, I thought it was a sweet moment. I don't usually wear things unless they have a significant meaning for me and he knows that.

As for everything else, I just don't know at this moment what I should do. I mean, I waited around for something to change for over a decade and nothing ever did, other than me getting beaten to a pulp mentally and emotionally day by day. Then the moment I finally checked out of this marriage - mentally, emotionally and on all levels that counted, and finally gathered the strength to tell him it's over - he decides to start recovery, for himself, in turn finally showing me the man I've always needed him to be - completely confusing the ever loving shit out of me. Unfortunately, though, I don't know if there is just too much damage at this point, for me. I don't know if after setting my sights on this new plan to move on, move forward, finally get happy - if I want to go back and risk potentially getting hurt all over again because I know that risk is always there with him. How do I know that? because I've been down this road with him many times before, I know it's a bit different this time because this is his first time in recovery - but that can change in an instant if he wants to as well. There are so many what's it's in this marriage, that really scares me... The emotionally baffling part about all this mess is that I still love him to death, I desire him in all ways, I enjoy his touch, I want him, love this connection with him, our talks etc., that's how totally messed up my brain is at this point - that I don't know if the risks outweigh the rewards anymore, especially when I don't know or can't believe where he stands.

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DAY 181:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Welcome to my twilight zone post (it will make sense later lol) first I want to start with something positive, I want to congratulate @Wade W. Wilson for reaching 6 months (from Jan 29th) of being PM and relapse-free, on his first attempt at recovery from this addiction. This is a huge milestone and I am very proud of him, even though some of my journal posts especially recently, may not always sound so happy-go-lucky. They sound more like rants or like the deranged ramblings of a mentally unstable woman, and this post will be no different as you will soon see lol -- having said that >> nothing can take away from the FACT that I am very ecstatic and proud of how far he has come, even with all of the bumps along the way.

During our chat yesterday he asked me a very interesting question, in which I could only give him a hypothetical answer (and he knew that - going in). He asked me "if in September when you gave me that final chance, if I would have somehow found this site and started my recovery then, instead of in Jan, after you decided we were over - and everything else happened the same exact way with us/our connection, would that have changed how you respond to triggers now or how bad they get?". I had to really think about it... and honestly, I just don't know. If he would have actually picked ME over his PM in Sept, maybe that would have shown me, given me some glimmer of hope, to the fact that he really wanted to make an effort to keep ME as his wife, he wanted ME, he was actually afraid to lose ME, that it really was his PA 'fog' but he wants me to help him now (hence taking my final olive branch) because he is really afraid to lose me - perhaps it would have had an impact on the voices in my head right now that constantly remind me (during triggers) that his PM/ogling has always been chosen over me, for our entire relationship and that kind of thing is difficult to disregard or brush off. When he was caught in September, he was given one final chance, a clear choice, so he was fully aware that if he lied again, this marriage would be over. So, only two months later he made his choice, he picked PM - over me, over us - again. He decided he didn't want me, he didn't need me, he opted to give me up, to lose our marriage. His #1 priority was clear - it was himself and his PM... myself nor the kids weren't important enough for him to stop, or at least force him/scare him into being honest and ask for help. So, yes the recoveries would have been set to two different backdrops I guess... had he begun in September, hence showing me he is picked me over PM vs now in January, a week after I already told him we would effectively be living as friends with benefits until we would get divorced. Sept = he picked me / Jan = He picked PM. How that affects my triggers, one can only guess now, but as I mentioned the afterthought plays a big role, it is all connected, they may not be "less severe" but I wouldn't be thinking "I already have one foot out the door, and he helped push me there in the first place, maybe I should see if I can find someone who really wants me? or should I risk getting hurt again, when I know for a fact that he has that ability, to hurt me, and he has done so, many times before" etc?

All of this is a really tough situation for me to process as a whole, this recovery thing - which came out of the blue, coming to terms with not only the PA/ogling but the fact that I was cheated on, then trying to "heal" myself, facing resurfacing emotions that I thought I had buried long ago. Having "triggers" have been a peach *sigh. Also, being with Wade in recovery has been a completely surreal experience, it is as if I'm getting to know, falling in love with, connecting with a completely different person altogether. Then when triggers hit, I am reminded of the "yes, he seems so different today, but is he really a different person? remember he's still the same guy who did a, b, and c to you. How long will this version of him be around for? how does recovery even work... is it a forever change or a "you're good only if always in recovery mode" or what if he gets bored with me and/or recovery and decides to drop it all? so many questions and little to no answers. Sigh.

Today we went for our walk in the afternoon, the weather was nice, so there were a lot of people out. It made it a little more difficult to really talk because we had to keep pausing so people wouldn't hear our conversation. We discussed the above topics as best as we could, a little bit more about whether I am what he really wants anymore or if I ever was etc. Then he told me he didn't have any urges or triggers last night, a night he normally would have had (in the past) optimal time/advantage to PM because he gets to stay up till about 3 AM, so he can sleep in later - but everyone else (me/kids are sleeping). After we were done, we picked up the girls and took them to the pet store. They wanted to get our new hamster one of those travel wheels, so it could run around the house. On the way there, Wade decided to make a pit stop at Dunkin Donuts, because he can not survive without a coffee and that's when things went South, for me. I was in the car with our two girls, with the music playing, Wade went in to get his stupid drink. As I stared at the window/front of the store, out come a mom/daughter duo or two sisters of his ogling types, dressed for a boulevard, and for me, it was trigger city. I felt my heart begin to race and everything from that moment on began to feel like a blur. I knew he had to have seen them because they were inside when he came in. The more thoughts kept flowing through my skull, the worse of funk I got into and all I remember was talking myself down from wanting to snap at my older daughter, because she was singing out loud (well, I use the term sing lightly lol as she has no voice, so more like howling) the words of the song playing and I wanted to scream "STFU PLEASE I NEED SOME SILENCE" but I couldn't. Then as I continued to stare at the store, I saw there were other women in there too, I was like "fucking great!", pfft. Then Wade comes out, I was not in the mood for anything at this point, he saw that and he clearly knew exactly what was wrong and who triggered me but acted as if he was clueless. He then kept asking me, "what's wrong?" and "is everything okay?" in front of the kids. Ugh, annoying me further, as if I would freaking say "Well, as a matter of fact, something is bothering me, honey, I WAS JUST TRIGGERED BY THE HALF NAKED CHICK YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN EYE FUCKING JUST A FEW SHORT MONTHS AGO!" you know, in front of the 10-year-old who would understand us. I swear, sometimes, sigh... When we were alone at home and he asked me again and I told him what was wrong, then he said: "I figured it was those two but that girl was a teen, I went in, got my coffee and ignored her" she was like 16-17 and he would have so ogled her before, without thinking twice. Anyhow, this is my life now, this is my sad reality and it is driving me fucking crAzy, it ruined my mood for the rest of the day. I wish there was a button, like an on/off switch and I could turn this trigger bullshit off.

This is the thing, I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what my new future is supposed to be anymore. I would say the last few years of my marriage it was becoming more and more apparent that the end was near, one way or another. Once it finally was decided, the plan was simple, survive another two years, then move on and finally find happiness elsewhere, in someone else's arms - in the arms of someone who actually wanted me there. Now, Wade 2.0 has become the kind of guy I've been practically begging him to be, for almost our entire marriage. But he has become that man, 12 years too late, after the fact, after allowing me to in essence "leave". I will try to make a corny metaphor and hope it makes some sense - I love this new version of my husband, a hell of a lot more than the last, Wade 2.0 and I have a deep emotional connection, we have intimacy, vulnerable heart to heart talks, we share things we have never shared with anyone else, we can tell each other anything and discuss though things through tears of pain or joy... and when we lay together, it's as if we are one. However, the virus that Wade 1.0 infected me with, unfortunately, caused irreparable damage, even with an "antivirus" trying to heal me - I don't have a guarantee that Wade 2.0 won't get compromised by Wade 1.0 again, so I don't know if it's worth the risk to salvage/keep this version because I could end up with the blue screen of death in the end -- it may be a safer bet to just go out and buy a brand new system, with really good security on it. Corny metaphor, I know but it made sense in my head.

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And not to mention, some of these "teens" dress like umm, you know, anyway.

I hate being like this though, it's driving me fucking nuts.

Thank you, feeling like this does feel lonely at times.

 

Same here, same here.

Both of us going crazy on these weird ass journey's, we never asked for.

 

I get it, that is why this "recovery seemingly out of the blue" kills and confuses my heart and mind.

I see the changes and like them, but it took so much out of me emotionally to call it quits, shutting myself down completely - for him to begin.

This is all so draining, to say the least.

 

DAY 182:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday we spoke about my rationalization and what I was able to dissect (in retrospect) after he asked me his hypothetical question, about my triggers a few nights ago. How the feeling of rejection, has stuck with me and was my primary take away when he made his choice between Sept '17 and Jan '18. How it has stuck with me, till this day, even though I never really thought about it or considered the concept until last night. Had picked me over his PM in Sept, that would have sent me (my brain) the message that he wanted ME, at the end, when it came down to it - I was his choice. Instead, the message he ended up sending to my brain was that I was not his choice, he picked PM - over me. He made his priority clear. Whether or not he was in a "fog" at the time, does not matter, because my reality - my truth was clear as day; my husband did not pick me and that's-that, I was rejected as a woman, lover, wife, partner, mother of his children etc., and that is what has been cemented into my brain, and it obviously, unwittingly has created a permanent scar for me, and it comes with residual effects. Hence, why for months now I can't seem to get over these questions of: "am I really what he wants?" "is he being honest with himself about it?" "did he settle before, because he couldn't get one of his 'prime types'"? especially after triggers hit and bring me back.

In the middle of the night, I noticed I had two messages from Wade on facebook, but I knew if I opened them/responded to them, I wouldn't put my phone down for a few hours and my sleep would go out the window lol I'm sure he understands. He sent me a video that he watched and wanted me to check out. When I finally got up for the day, I did watch it and it provided a lot of good scientific details and evidence of what happens to someone's brain when they become addicted to porn, or any type of behavior that is associated with dopamine (or instant gratification if you will). I also watched a video about PTSD in SO's of SA's which was very interesting by Dr. Barbara Steffens. During our walk, we discussed the videos and he said he feels like that video "Why porn changes the brain" does a really good job of explaining the "fog" point that he has been trying to tell me about for a few weeks, but through science. How now that his head is clear, he finally see's what he has had in front of him all along (me) and when I respond with "I don't believe it" or "I still don't think you find me as hot as the women you prefer to ogle", he thinks that video helps explain what he was trying to get at. It does in a sense, but there is more to it from my end of it, it's not so easy for me to just lay all of the blame, my 12 years of reality, pain, hurt and betrayal trauma on "the addiction and science", call it a day and go skipping through prairie fields of daisies singing "that's it, now I know my husband will never look at another woman's ass, ever again, my ass is enough for him from this moment on!". YES, it gives me a better understanding of the conditions surrounding some of his actions, but it doesn't justify ALL of his actions, or IN-actions towards me. Learning more does help both of us because it gives us new perspectives, but we both know it's never that simple. The video I watched, was really good and informative, kind of gave me a new understanding of PTSD and betrayal trauma, especially when she compared it to child abuse. At first, I was like: what?! really!? then she said it this way: betrayal trauma coming from a spouse is like when a child is abused by someone they trust, someone who they thought was suppose to protect them. In essence, in a marriage, we look to our spouse as our "safe place" "our home" "our protection from the horrors of those who would hurt us from the outside world" | like in a child/parent relationship, the child looks to their parent for the same. When the sense of safety is destroyed by betrayal/abuse etc., the victim now has NO PLACE to run to, the one place they would have turned to for safety, is no longer safe. They don't feel safe or secure in their surroundings anymore, they lose themselves. The concept and how she explained it is really interesting. Trauma, triggers, pain it's all so real and devastating.

Video #1 "WHY Porn Changes the Brain | Science of NoFap [SFW]"


Video #2 "Post-traumatic Stress Disorder in Spouses of Sex Addicts Part 1"


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DAY 183:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Yesterday we reflected some more about the videos we both watched, our takeaways and how amazing it has been being able to talk to someone about all of this. Then we spoke about my concept of my two truths, two realities again, slightly different than the last reference though. In the sense of, I'm a sane person [usually] who believes in science and facts, so I do understand the videos and can process the information I am receiving about how porn affects the brain and how a lot of Wade's behavior can be explained because of his addiction. However, I also know my personal experience over the last twelve years to be the truth as well, because I lived it. My pain, the many years of betrayal trauma were/are real and the after effects that are haunting me are like a never-ending nightmare it seems. Then I told him I am still dealing with the residual effects of his rejection in the end when given the choice between me and PM between Sept and Jan, which only "hit" me after his hypothetical question and the rationalization/train of thoughts that came after. That is why our talks are so helpful, we end up discovering and learning so much, about ourselves and each other. He says that right now seeing clearly for the first time in his life, he knows what he wants - he wants me, he is choosing me, I am his priority, I am all that he wants and he will fight as hard as he can to make me see/feel it. He said that he also understands why at this point, it is still too early in my healing for me to believe him. He gets that I won't believe it, am scared to trust his words and don't know what to make of any of it, that it will take a lot of work on his part (actions) for me to see that he is being real and genuine.

This morning we discussed some more videos he watched, the PTSD ones (the effects on the SO) and I think now that he has watched them, he has a much clearer understanding of my behavior/reactions. He said that as he listened to what was being said, he found himself checking a lot of boxing off as in "Yep, she does this" or "This sounds just like her" and I told him, I related to what was being said, a lot. He thanked me for sharing the videos and said that he really appreciated listening to the other perspective on this. I tend to have the same reaction to PA videos too, I often tell him "if it is something that really peaks your interests, send it to me, so I can watch it too and we can discuss it later" - something we've been doing a lot lately. I want to learn and understand the other perspective as well, I want to have all of the information, to be well informed and not one-sided. No matter what, one thing is certainly clear for us these days - having an open dialogue is something that we were desperately missing for the entirety of our relationship (no matter the topic) and now that we've reached this point of communication - being able to talk about literally anything and even remaining civil during tough talks has really opened up a new level of emotional connection, intimacy and I would say even personal growth.

I watched this video and it really blew my mind, it is really dated, but the way this guy Tony Robbins navigates through this couples issues and forces them (you) to think and get to the true root of the problem(s) is insane and really eye-opening.
"Tony Robbins - How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship" *My only huge annoyance is the nonstop YouTube Ads.


By the end of this video you'll need to figure out/ask yourself the following questions:
• What are your top two needs: • Certainty • Variety • Significance • Connection/Love • Growth • Contribution
• How do you meet your top needs? do you satisfy them more: • At Work • At Home • With Friends • With Relatives • By Yourself
• What has to happen for you to feel that your top needs are being met? how often does it have to happen and with whom? are you more responsive to words, to touch, to visual cues, or gifts and gestures?
• What can your partner do to meet your needs better and more regularly?

Ask yourself: At what level are you meeting your partner's six human needs? write down on a scale from 1-10:
1) How certain is your partner that you love them?
2) How much variety and surprise do they get from you?
3) How significant do they feel that they are number one in your life?
4) How much love and connection do they get from you on a daily basis?
5) How much growth do they feel in your relationship?
6) How much do you help them to contribute?
7) Is your partner more responsive to words, touch, visual cues, or gifts and gestures?
8) What could you do every month, every week, every day or several times per day for your partner?
9) How would it feel to be completely confident that you can meet your partner's needs?
If you are not sure how to meet your partner's different needs, ask them, "what has to happen for you to feel this need has been met?" #communication

This is a strong one too, no actual video, but still worth listening to:
Tony Robbins: How to Survive an Emotional Crisis


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DAY 184:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Today I am a little more hopeful than I was, let's say last week, as a whole - in regards to my healing, his recovery, as well as our relationship and that's something that I thought about this morning during my long walk alone, more on that later. The more we talk, the closer it seems we get, the more we discover and learn about each other, the better our connection becomes. Maybe the uptick in what we've been doing is what's causing this feeling for me, I'm not sure, I can't explain it any other way. I feel like all of the recovery, healing, and relationship videos are helping not only through their literal content but because of the follow-up discussions that follow.

Last night, we did discuss some more videos and our takebacks from them. Also how he is way more hopeful than I am, but that's just his nature, not mine, he has always been way more hopeful about everything - I am more of a realist. It's not that I see the bad in everything, I just see the truth: life is full of a lot of shit, point blank. He also signed up for a live webinar by "JK Emezi" (founder of PornReboot) the former PA who is now 11 years clean and is helping other PA's break free from the addiction. It is called "7 Secrets of Porn Free Men", he's excited and that makes me excited. We talked about a few other subjects and then we finished off the night right...

This morning I walked alone, Wade had to work. Much like my life has been in the last few months, the weather during my walk seemed to have been in the middle of a nervous breakdown, no joke, it went from humid/drizzle to a downpour to bright sunshine (as if there was never any rain!) then back to steady rain and on loop. Anyhow, that didn't stop me, I walked for 5 miles, maybe even over exerted myself but whatever. During my walk I thought about a few things, at first I just listened to upbeat music because I wanted to clear my head as Jay Shetty recommends 30 minutes of *me* time, per day. Then I began reflecting on the last week and the changes I've noticed in Wade's recovery effort, his newfound excitement, lifts my mood and gets me excited too. As usual, until really thinking about it, I didn't "think about it" lol, but in recent days when he has watched his recovery videos or ones I've recommended, when he talks about them - he does it with this excitement, almost in the same way he gets when he is talking about topics he actually enjoys like comics/tv shows. To me, seeing that difference is quite significant compared to before. Like what was really dragging me down two weeks ago and last month, feeling a sense of laziness, boredom/complacency when it came to him and his recovery setting in, noticing him spending more time watching Anime than worry about recovery, there was no balance. I also noticed how his actions/reactions have a direct impact on my mood about it [recovery/healing] too. When I feel like I have to remind him, it makes me feel down, like a nagging/depressed feeling inside that he doesn't want this, all of it is hopeless, pointless, it won't last, it's not important enough or a priority for him -- but when I see him get this excited and putting in the work, finding videos, watching, learning, then actually enjoy talking about them - that triggers a different set of feelings out of me: hopefulness, I get a bit happier, it's like his excitement brushes off on me and gets me excited - it's weird to explain and probably even weirder to read/make sense of, sorry lol.

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DAY 185:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me
  Lie Dates: 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we talked about my journal post, which he was happy about (it was on the positive side, so obviously). Then we talked about some more videos, a Tony Robbins one in particular, which was focused on an Italian couple but throughout the segment, he went into something that as a betrayed woman - hit me and I felt like I really related to and didn't even think about until it was said, I wanted him to watch/listen to that specific part (even though it would benefit him to watch the whole thing at some point). That specific part helped round out/explain my sense of fear surrounding my current feeling of severe lack of safety/security in my relationship, I added the video here - along with the time stamp for anyone else who is curious. Then he gave me a backrub and we talked some more.

This morning we drove our little one to daycare, then went on our walk, spoke a bit. Last night he mentioned to me, sort of off the cuff and it triggered a bit of a concern for me, about his PA, I'll backtrack to what he mentioned last night first: "by the way, I may buy a pack of cigarettes to take with me on the cruise, for leisure, it's not a big deal" or something like that. He has forewarned me of this, because he "quit" back in March, but not really because he started smoking a pipe, which is really the same shit - but whatever, tomato/tomahto, but says it's okay if he does it for fun while on the cruise for a week because if he quit once (in March), when he gets back home, he can do it again. So, the first thing that came to my mind "well, then at any point in this recovery, he can say the same thing and later apply that logic, here, with this addiction?" ... so during our walk, I brought that up to him. He said that he would never do that with PA because the consequences are way more consequential for him with this. I dunno, I hope so, kind of weird logic for me to process, it's either you QUIT an addiction and stay away from it for good or not, there's no "in-between" of doing it for fun and then stopping again, makes no sense. Then we got home, he had his live webinar by "JK Emezi" (founder of PornReboot) called "7 Secrets of Porn Free Men" to watch, so he did that as I worked, after he told me he got a lot of information that he wrote down and wanted to share with me tonight.

Later on, we went to a shopping center, that's when a fairly nice day goes south and fast for me because you know, women, Wade + summer = Jag triggered. First, it was his prime types walking by, one after another. We had our older daughter with us, so I had to keep my cool and tried so hard to do so. Then I had to get fitted for a new bra, it was a boutique lingerie store, I knew there would be a lot of adult posters and toys there too, so I told him to take our daughter to the kids clothing store (TO KEEP BUSY & AWAY). I was just putting on the first bra when I hear them come into the shop, both Wade and10-year-old old. Not enough I didn't want him in the store, he had the brains to expose her to freaking half naked chicks, sex toys, dildo's and vibrators on display on the fucking walls. WTF is it with men and common sense, is this a species-wide deficit? my god. So, I figured I would text him to go to T-Mobile and keep them busy over there talking about possibly transferring plans to them etc, he goes and within 5 mins is already back, holy shit. I should have known better, it's my fault, I should have texted him a clear "STAY OUT OF THIS STORE" message. I just didn't want to have a whole 3 hour back and forth in the middle of putting on bras (with the fitter there), as to why I want him and our daughter to be outside of the store. ANYWAY, I went down a band size, so that made my mood a little better and I LOVED the fit of the bra I tried on, it made me feel sexy AF for a whole few seconds - I ended buying it, bra's a way too expensive these days, man.

After the fitting, he decided to grab a bite to eat at Chipotle's, just walking in there felt like I was trying to navigate through a field full of live landmines. His primes were everywhere, EVERYWHERE... if I was a cutter, I would have been slitting my wrists right then, just to dull out the pain/anxiety/thoughts I was feeling right at that moment (like I was getting shot at, by rapid fire). Then we ordered food, sat down and were eating. I noticed these women and girls were everywhere, the store kept getting more and more packed. Behind me was the food line, Wade was talking to my daughter/me and I noticed behind me were two young women, maybe 17ish, perhaps not his primes but definitely past ogle material for him, I don't care what he says now about them "being too young", he would have before and I know it. He looked at them a few times, then he looked back at my daughter, then he looked at me, then his eyes went to them, his didn't go up and down, but he still kept looking AT them, and since I have eyes I know even if you are looking at someone's face, with peripheral vision you can still see other parts. He could have focused on my face since he has been claiming for the last few months that all of a sudden, my face is the only one that matters now? - instead of theirs, what was so interesting about their faces anyway? hmm, one can only wonder, right? I know he saw how many "threats" where there already, so that would have been the smart thing to do but I guess he just couldn't force himself to do that. I'm really getting tired of this shit, as hopeful as I am about his recovery work, where I stand, my secuirty in this relationship, that's a whole different story.

Tony Robbins - Heal your relationship no matter what (from 1:03:24)


Another good video about the effects of betrayal trauma:
Healing for a Betrayed Partner/Spouse in Therapy; Betrayal Trauma


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