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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I am so happy to hear that! that video really opened up a lot of discussion for us, lasted through a few nights actually. :) The more talking the better!
     
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 195:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After he read my journal, I don't think he was too happy especially after the rather peaceful day we had 24 hours before, we ended up talking about my massive triggers at the mall and how they weren't just from the women he would have ogled this time, but I was also being triggered by men ogling me -- reminding me of him and how he would have done it too, even with a child or partner nearby. He did tell me I did a really good job at not showing it, he couldn't really tell I was having a big trigger but I explained to him how exhausting it is for me to control my triggers in public as best as I can because of our girls or if family/friends are around. I have to save face, I can not show anyone that I am in the middle of an emotional breakdown. Although, like I mentioned yesterday, I did have some close calls where I felt like I might end up snapping and that scares the shit outta me, thank goodness for that new grounding technique - that now I always have earphones on me and can pop 'em in and play some music to bring me back to a better time. He sat there and listened to me vent, which was nice. He wasn't being defensive, he empathizes now and is remorseful that this is what I've been driven to... he did bring up that I am his type and tried to tell me how he was shocked I even wanted to date him back then, because he thought I was "out of his league" and he hates that he lost his way and this addiction took over so fast etc. Then he came over and held me for a bit, that was comforting. But as much as I am enjoying what we have going on these days, the reality remains, I don't know if I can ever 'get over' what has been seared into my brain for over 12 years, and I don't know if that is something I can continue living with -- that was the very reason I came to the conclusion that I did, back in January. I just want to finally be happy at this point in my life and when my brain is constantly screaming (with every trigger) "you are not his type" "you are not enough for him" "he wants her, not you" "if given the choice he'd bang her, ignore you" - it begins to consume you, depress you and eat away at you.

    This morning we walked, he told me about his night and stuff at work, a few minimal "threats" but nothing he couldn't handle. Then he just told me about general work stuff. We didn't talk too much about recovery. He said he watched a video and wanted to ask me something, but he was in the middle of driving when he heard the talking point and couldn't write down the question, so he forgot it. Hopefully, if he replays the video he will jolt his memory.

    As he slept, I worked and listened to a bit more videos, a few sparked my interest, especially "It's Monday, I'm starting over." (video posted below, only 4 minutes long) this is from "The Addict" and he talks about how you don't always need to do a recovery with a bang or huge rushed goals, you need to just stay in focus and remain consistent, take it one day at a time and keep moving forward, even with a setback here or there. Reminds me a lot of myself and dieting, I would feel so defeated if I didn't have instant results or if something went wrong, I'd say "fuck it! I'll start again next Monday" because I wouldn't lose 10 pounds in three days, but he is right when I stopped and decided to just be consistent instead and change my lifestyle, behavior, and pattern... the pounds came right off, not overnight but throughout a year of busting my ass and not giving up and restarting every other week. Thing is, you also give yourself room for relapse or in my case "cheat" on my diet until next Monday, right? because since I already said "fuck it" for right now, I can eat all the crap I want now, until Monday" -- defeats the purpose. I probably lost my point somewhere midsentence, but I think I just had a profound moment somewhere in there, look at me, learning something from an addict, who would have thought? so what's the lesson kids? be consistent and keep moving, set long-term goals, team goals and don't give up just to give yourself "cheat days" before you "try again later".

    Another video that touched me, a lot was "Confusion in Betrayal" (video below) because this is exactly where I am at. Confusion turned up to 150%. Feeling connected, yet feeling unsafe/insecure in my marriage, physically as a woman with him. Having intense mood altering triggers, yet also finally feeling loved and getting some attention from him, wanting to be close but left wondering if this is the right relationship for me anymore because things are better and it all feels so fucking right, but is it just for right now? will I ever feel like I am enough for him? I just don't know and that shit scares me. There are so many "what's if"... it's all so confusing and this video really addresses a lot of it.

    Interesting piece I came across: Sex Addiction Recovery Takes a Long Time– or Not. This blog post talks about the study done of recovering sex addicts reported in 2000 Dr. Patrick Carnes that identified the typical phases that addicts went through in the recovery process. The six stages of recovery: The Developing Stage (up to 2 years) | The Crisis/Decision Stage (1 day to 3 months) | The Shock Stage (6 to 8 months) | The Grief Stage (6 months) | The Repair Stage (18 to 36 months) | The Growth Stage (2 plus years). It also breakdowns the differences between the addict's old sense of self vs. the new sense of self and it is really intriguing. I recommend both PA's and SO's check it out.

    After he woke up, we went out for day two of our Pokemon Go event. It was muggy but at least it wasn't raining. We took our three-year-old, which was well, entertaining as usual. She drove us nuts, within 10 minutes she wanted Wade to carry her on his shoulders, I think he'll be sore for a week. Anyway, there were a few threats there, some minor triggers for me. However, I was pretty distracted between the game and our daughter and think I was able to control them.

    #video
    Videos worth a look:
    Setting new plans, goals, tasks to replace the mundane and see how quickly things can change...
    Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery: I'm Starting Over...


    Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery: Confusion in Betrayal (how to deal with your SO's triggers the right way! and why it's hard to achieve safety with an addict, even in recovery.)

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    Jacob William Jr and Trappist like this.
  3. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

    101
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    You share such great videos, thank you!
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I am glad to share these awesome videos.
     
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 196:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night he had to go to work early, so he called me and we spoke over the phone. Of course, it's not as intimate as in person, but it's still better than, well, not talking at all. He started out by letting know that earlier that day when he was laying down to go to sleep - he did have an urge to M, it was moderate but he was able to distract his mind enough to just forget about it and go to sleep. I asked him why he didn't mention it to me earlier, but he said he didn't want to get into it during the event at the park because too many people were around and we wouldn't be able to talk about it there privately, so I get it. I was proud of him, that he didn't let that urge take control and 'talk him into getting up and grabbing his phone' and causing a potential atmosphere for a relapse. It has been a while since he had an actual urge to M, I'll ask him tonight if anything provoked him, I've been watching a lot of videos and 'the Addict' & 'the Expert' in those videos mentioned that urges/triggers to M (in recovery) often come when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable sad/weak/upset etc - I'm curious to see if any of that was the case here. I was still weening off my trigger, but we spent most of the discussion talking about other recovery stuff like boundaries and how addicts in recovery perhaps need, fewer boundaries in order to learn self-control in the digital age where temptations are at arms reach everywhere, as well as to make sure they are doing this recovery for the right reasons - themselves. We also talked about how every SO reacts differently to betrayal trauma, including wanting to hurt the addict back and using their kids to do it, which of course is bad because it inevitably mentally destroys the child but when you're in a fit of rage, sometimes you can't think straight. He had to go eat, so he hung up and I took the rest of that time to get some more work in because I put the kids to bed. For some reason though, he called me back and wanted to know if I was upset or thought he cut me off? it wasn't sitting well with him and I said: "Of course not! everything was fine", a few months ago he wouldn't have even given any of it a second thought.

    This morning he had to stay at work again, so he'd be missing our walk. The weather was not looking so great, so I had all the reason in the world to miss my walk... but I hauled ass and made my way out anyway, even if I was one of the only idiots out there as it begun to rain lol. I'll get into my reasoning a little bit later, but as I was parking Wade called me and wanted to talk a little bit more. He watched a few more YouTube videos, and I think he really wanted to get a few things off his chest, or else he'd forget by night time. He said one of the videos really got him thinking and confused. He said in the video, JK, who isn't a relationship therapist but a PA coach - brings up men who marry for the wrong reasons, which may cause them to act out more in their PA. For instance, if a man has low self-esteem dates a woman who he feels is out of his league, he might decide to marry her or "snatch her up quick" for fear that he will never get someone like that again. Therefore, he married for the wrong reasons, maybe he has never been with anyone else and feels like porn is his outlet to explore etc., I didn't watch the video but this is what he described to me. Ironically I brought up a similar but different concept, in that - I feel like maybe he married me just to marry "a good girl" "a loyal girl" and settled in that way, we were both young (21 and 23) and never been with anyone else... so now, here we are here. I don't know what to make of anything these days lol it's all a big steaming pile of... anyway I told him that I'm glad he is confused now and not just coming to this epiphany 3 years later (or getting bored in 5 years with me and reverting back to his old behaviors) because now is the time to think about all of this stuff and make some serious decisions, times 'a' ticking. I also told him that him being confused, unsure, in doubt is precisely why I can not go off track on my two year plan, or consider lifting it, there's too much uncertainty there and I refuse to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, the stakes are way too high for me now, I'm putting myself first for once. I want to, no, I need to be with someone who is certain that he is with me for the right reasons, who knows for sure that he wants me, that I am his prime and he doesn't have to think about it, none of it is in question or doubt, he just knows it because it's what he feels in both his heart and mind - who is "he"? that is left to be seen. I made up my mind in Jan, I am going to be happy, that's my focus, my plan.

    So, I'm been doing a lot of soulsearching these days, as my triggers have been intensifying. A lot of the healing videos kept bringing up self-care and how without it, you will continue to fall apart and bring the house down with you. So, the reason why I kicked myself in the butt this morning and walked in the rain like a dummy? because I need to stay on track, I need to take care of myself, I'm working on my body when I walk as well as my mind because it's a trail outside, fresh air, nature - the works. Same goes for finding methods of helping my triggers de-escalate at the moment through grounding. I read a really good blog post last night about it all and was inspired. What is Self-Care? everyone has their own methods but the point is, find ways to heal yourself: mind, body, and soul, so you can truly begin repairing the damage within. Make goals, stick to them and make things happen, baby steps.

    #video
    Videos worth a look:
    Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery: Dealing with Her Pain (how to deal with your SO's triggers and pain.)


    A very inspiring, motivational and powerful video [feat. many celebs and motivational speakers] about taking care of yourself FIRST, so you can be at your full potential, so you can be there, at your best for others:


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    Jacob William Jr likes this.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 197:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we sat down to play a few games of UNO with our older daughter after we put the little one to bed. We decided to talk to her about addiction, not porn addiction but smartphones, electronics, and the internet as a whole. We told her how people are becoming more and more disconnected from each other and the word "social" in social media is actually having the opposite effect, it's not social at all but making us all anti-social and not only that but "smartphones" are also making us dumber. I showed her this video: "Parents you must watch this....actually everyone should watch this!". I told her that even we've been affected by it, and how I have given myself mini-challenges about not picking up my phone in the middle of the night or in the morning until my morning routine is complete, we also told her next time we go out - we want her to really pay attention to how others interact with each other these days (they don't, they sit across from each other and stare at their phones) - people are becoming emotionally depleted zombies. We want her to be aware because no one warned our generation about any of this and look where it has brought us, all of us.

    After she went to bed, we began discussing one of the videos he watched that really got him thinking and left him questioning himself. What was the real reason he decided to marry me, 12 years ago? first I'd like to get something out of the way, this isn't a new topic that all of a sudden, out of the blue, he began thinking about, so bringing this up isn't shocking/saddening/offensive to me because I've asked him this very question myself, I've encouraged him to think about it and we've talked about this multiple times in the last few months. After watching this video, listening to some of JK's points, he said, he knows that he did have feelings for me, he believes he loved me BUT he is a PA (and has been for years even before I came into the picture) and his self-esteem was always low, so, he may have found me hot, or as he put it "out of his league", plus I waited for him while he served overseas, was loyal to him - so maybe he was afraid he would never get someone "like this" and rushed to wife me up? he was my first, I was his... we both got married young (21/23) ... he said he just doesn't know and maybe it could be the reason why his PA escalated so much throughout the years due to subconsciously feeling deprived of the opportunity to go out and fuck around with 100 other women before he found "the one"... I guess no one really can answer that question, but him. However, I do need to know, even though at the moment he is telling me that he is "sure that he wants me, loves me, desires me, more than ever, and with his head clear he finally see's what he's been missing all these years etc"... if this is an issue he's been living with (regretting getting married to the first woman he slept with, not sleeping around more) and it is an underlying cause/unresolved issue of his, then we will need to have a really serious talk about it, because it will only be a matter of time before he begins to get bored again, complacent, or feel like he needs to "experience more" and turn to his outlet of choice, then the PA cycle begins again and I refuse to go through another D-Day with him in 5 years from now, I don't think I could withstand yet another hit. Then before he had to run out to work, I asked if his urge to M two days ago had anything to do with any emotional triggers and he isn't sure, maybe he was feeling down cause of my big mall triggers, but other then that, he doesn't think it could be anything else. Then he mentioned he hoped it wouldn't rain overnight because they were planning on doing a little BBQ at work, so I told him I hope he has fun and that rain won't ruin it for him.

    He left for work, I read his journal and clicked to watch the video for myself and well, I was kind of taken back by the tone, the way JK was expressing his points and his overall delivery of the point he was trying to make. After watching it for myself, it left me, as open-minded as I am - with an eerie feeling nagging inside, a kind of HEY JK, FUCK YOU BUDDY, xoxo ALL SO'S, kind of feeling. Like, must be nice for the PA to torment his SO for their entire marriage, to then become sober and finally come to the conclusion it's because he regrets getting married, so the solution to keep him clean? finally leaving her, so he can go be happy sleeping around to finally fulfill his youthful dreams. Ugh, more on THIS a little later...

    This is the video in question:


    He managed to irk me bright and early this morning... he sent me a text asking how my morning was, I responded, how I slept, I responded -- everything was good, then I sent him a message asking: "how was the BBQ?" he says "it was ok" and follows up with another text "why?" ... that response threw me off, why was he asking me, why I was asking him, how the BBQ at work was, was he afraid I knew something? was he hiding something?

    This morning we had a very passionate talk during our walk. It was a continued conversation from last night as it still stemmed from the video he watched, he asked me if I saw the reaction by another SO to the video on his page and if I felt the same way, and I said I understand exactly where @JustSadPorn is coming from and how his (JK's) message/delivery pretty much confirms what SO's think the minute discovery happens - which is: "I'm not good enough for him, that's why he is doing this" "He's not happy with my body" "I'm not as pretty as them" "He would be happy with another woman" etc. I told Wade that JK's delivery of the point he was trying to make was horrible, even I was a bit thrown by it, even though ultimately his final point is correct, at least in my opinion. As a PA coach, he should have expressed this in a more, umm, delicate manner? I guess what I mean is, he knows this is a public YouTube page, he isn't having a one on one chat privately with a PA. He should have taken into consideration - just how painful or further damaging his words could be, to an already hurting SO... by pretty much confirming her worst fear that she was just not enough for her husband, that the marriage was a mistake and he took up an addiction as his only way "outlet/freedom" because they already have a life together, kids etc and this was his only form of happiness. How would I have said it, if I were him? I would have started out with: "Hey guys, JK here, let's talk about PA, Relationships and a lack of connection and intimacy in your soberity and what it could mean. Have you steered clear of PM, but you are still having issues connecting with your SO? seems like there is still an emotional, intimate and/or physical disconnect? well, perhaps there may be an unresolved underlying issue still at the root of the problem. Maybe you got pressured into getting married young blah blah blah >>> into the rest of his lecture". We talked about this for a bit, I think he understood -- how a SO, who hasn't brought this subject up before (like I have with him) could have perceived this video and how hurtful it is. The general takeaway, as a SO watching this is: so what this guy is saying is, my husband, this PA who has put me through a world a hurt, emotional abuse, pain, ignored me as a woman, destroyed my self-esteem, body image, made me feel lonely, unwanted, betrayed me in the most intimate way, lied to me, kept secrets, led a double life for our entire marriage, put me through hell and back over the course of many YEARS has been sucking the life out of me... (all the while he's sitting pretty on his PA high, only thinking of himself, his pleasure, getting off to his pixels, ogling every other woman and some even taking it further) then he finally gets 'sober' and gets to suddenly have this eureka moment, where he goes... "you know what honey, I watched this PA guru who says I can only stay clean if I am true to myself and happy, but I have to be honest, I've always regretted getting married so young and not experiencing more woman, so I think it's best that we part ways, so I can go and see what I feel I've been missing or else I'll return to being a PA". Because that is basically what JK is suggesting... granted, he also says that if you get sober and the spark reignites with your SO, the connection is high and intimacy is present then most likely, PA was your only issue and you could have a great long lasting relationship with your SO. Having said all that, his point is STILL VALID because, as hurt as I am, as betrayed as I feel, I have been asking Wade this very question for months now. I need him to figure it out for himself, I need him to really be honest with himself because I do not want to continue this forsaken cycle for the rest of my life. I want to be in a happy, loving, intimate relationship with someone who wants me, just as much as I want them. So, if that is not the case for him anymore, I want him to let me know, so we can both move on and both be happy, even if that means it's with other people - and I think that is JK's final point, that you just need to be happy, if you leave issues unresolved the PA will just keep coming back, as the root of the problem will always be there if you don't.

    For me, I love sex, I'm not an addict but I enjoy it, a lot, Wade nicknamed me a Nympho for crying out loud and could barely keep up with me back in the day. I've only had it with him, but I didn't turn to porn or I didn't lash out by going out and cheating with other men because I felt deprived of experience all the different men out there. Sure, I could have, I had plenty of offers and opportunities ... but I exhibit something called self-control, loyalty and well I'm not a fucking asshole. Even when I completely emotionally disconnected from him as a wife/lover and I had almost the entire tech department flirting with me at work, nonstop - I didn't even have an inkling to flirt back, to test the waters, to try someone new out. For me it is fairly simple, if I'm getting an urge to cheat, then I think it's time to re-evaluate the relationship I'm in and move on.

    When it comes to Wade and me, right now, everything is still up in the air I guess. I don't know where he stands because he doesn't know if what JK described in his video is or is not an issue for him until he really thinks about it and figures it out, we won't know. His uncertainty adds a lot more risk for me, more what if's and fears of possible "return to PA". I already have a difficult time believing how he see's me now, all of a sudden... but his confusion on this, leaves room for a lot more cause for concern for our future in a sense (for all the reasons I've described above, JK's own words). One good thing though, both Wade and I are very happy that we are at a place where we can have a discussion about these sorts of things and end on a good and peaceful note.

    Damn, I wrote a lot today, I didn't plan on it but there I go again ugh. LOL so, did a bit more research on self-care, here are the basics that I am going to try doing, maybe I will even add it to the top of my daily goals:
    5 Mental Health Hacks: Self-Care (video below)
    1: Find your routine
    2: Get creative
    3: Regulate your sleep
    4: Talk about it
    5: Feel the feels

    #video
    Videos worth a look:
    5 Mental Health Hacks: Self-Care


    Sticking to the self-care theme:
    Be Someone Who Makes You Happy - Motivation by Jay Shetty



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    TooMuchTooSoon and JustSadPorn like this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 198:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night's talk was really productive I think, I mean the subject wasn't pleasant at all - but the actual conversation we had, the connection both of us felt and the understanding we reached was great. We spoke about the same topic I wrote about in yesterday's post (about where his head was at when he proposed) so I will not repeat it all over again. He has also started implementing the "emotional wheel" idea from the trio we've been watching on YouTube, where we start our talks with expressing one emotional high and one emotional low of the day, before getting into the rest of the discussion. He brought up his reaction to my "how was your BBQ?" text because his response of "why?" threw me off, it was really shady and I didn't like that at all. He said that he was not used to me asking him that kind of question, so he was surprised by it, but I told him, he could have said that his response made it look like he was afraid that something got to me and I was questioning him about it, hence his nervous reply, he understood my perspective. I let my hair down from a bun, because it was feeling heavy and he gave me a compliment, it was cute, gives a happy feeling too but I'm still not used to him paying so much attention to me or giving me so many compliments - sometimes I don't even know how to react, is that weird? - that I don't know how to accept compliments from my own husband after being with him for over 12 years? Towards the end of the discussion he came over and sat by me, hugged me and I enjoyed his embrace for a few minutes before he had to go to work. By the time he got up to leave, both of us had this overwhelming sense of peace or a sense of relief - it's difficult to describe, given what we had just finished talking about, but it has been getting this way after we talk about issues we normally would have never had the 'balls' to bring up to each other before this recovery.

    This morning when we walked, he repeated the same sentiment as we both felt last night. He said, he went to work last night feel so at ease, so relaxed and just resolved. I guess it was because we used to harbor our 'uncomfortable truths' as it was easier to just ignore the slow unraveling of our marriage... maybe pretend it wasn't as bad, as it really was - and if we ignore it maybe the problems would just go away (yeah right!). Anyhow, I agreed with him, finally having communication has changed so much, and I mean the right kind of communication, the real kind, not just small talk about our favorite games or tv shows. Being able to just talk freely, not be judged, no more fear of reactions, to actually agree to disagree without a fight - it has made such a difference for us. We talked about another video he watched from The Betrayed, The Addicted and the Expert about codependency/independencey and interdependency. The Expert explained that the place you want to be in (for an ideal healthy/good relationship) is "interdependency" which means "mutually reliant on each other". I believe this is where Wade and I are right now (or well on our way there) because neither of us is afraid of telling/asking the other person ANYTHING, no matter the topic, how upsetting, serious, sensistive, shameful, fearful, sexual, or completely innocent or stupid it may be. I think being able to slowly replace addiction {for him} and bottling up/sadness/anger {for me} with open communication, intimacy & emotional connection... instead of arguments and drama has been a relief for us both, makes a difficult process a little easier.

    Later today, I had a bit of a setback from the high off of last night/this morning, I was triggered by one of his "primes" on the drive to the park this evening. What made the trigger worse was I was sitting in the back because the whole family was in the car (my dad was in the passenger's seat), so, when I glanced in the rearview mirror, I couldn't see his eyes because he was wearing his sunglasses. That alone irritated me even more, especially because he kept tilting his head and looking in THAT direction. So, that left my mind open to roam free and imagine what his eyes were doing. My dad wouldn't shut up, the older daughter wouldn't shut up either and the little one kept singing next to my ear, it was like I was in a nuthouse, the influx of nonstop noise was just making it all so much worse and I had to sit there and take it, hateeeeee this shit. Then to make matters worse, just as this trigger was calming down a bit, we went to Wendy's, another chick gets behind him in line, also his ogling type. My blood was boiling, the girls were fucking sitting still, I had to keep yelling at them to SIT DOWN, SIT STILL and I noticed I was 2% away from snapping, I popped in my headphones and turned on some music and my that grounded me slightly, just enough to not snap.

    Phew, time to breathe... just my luck that tomorrow Wade and my parents have doctors appointments, so I can't even go for my walk to clear my head... hopefully the girls won't be too overwhelming first thing in the morning, but haaaaa who am I kidding? ugh, and my back is killing me too from working so much the last few days. #selfcare #selfcare #breathe LOL

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Self-Care (Daily Breakdown Key)
    1. Find your routine: Incorporating some sort of routine into your life, gives you back some sense of control back. However, the idea is to set easy/attainable goals, because if you set unreachable ones, you are setting yourself up for a letdown and will only result in making you feel less control and more anxious/depressed. (IE: No phone before brushing teeth, walk every morning etc.)
    2. Get creative: Do something creative like color, redecorate a room, design something, making something of your own will give you pride and a sense of fulfillment etc.
    3. Regulate your sleep: If you get enough sleep, your mood will regulate better.
    4. Talk about it: Vent, don't keep things inside, let it out. Releasing helps relieve stress and tension.
    5. Feel the feels: Give yourself some time to dwell on your pain, cry, listen to music to help but for a set time, just to get it out in the allotted time, so you don't dwell on it all day and so you don't get stuck inside your own head all day.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    #video

    Betrayal Trauma and Addiction Recovery: Let's Talk About Co-dependency


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  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 199:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night's talk, well, what can I say? one step forward and two steps back? it started off okay, then he asked me about my high and low points, I said my high was our talks from the night before and earlier that morning, then my low was my trigger that evening. That's when it went south... he asked me about the trigger, as I begun describing it, how I felt etc. he began dissecting, justifying, finding reasons as to why it couldn't have happened in the way in which I'm saying it did, why he couldn't have looked at her "I know who you're talking about, I noticed her, but I didn't really see her", or telling me how she was close to a driveway, not further down like I'm thinking she was blah FUCKING blah, he had my head spinning in circles, repeating myself, reimaging her body each time I had to re-explain it to him, like 10 times, until I snapped and told him I was done with this conversation and he better move on and talk about something else. He RE-triggered me. I found it really interesting though, how he "noticed her" but didn't really see her, but knew she was the one I was referring too and had tight blue jeans on... :rolleyes:o_O anyway... he tried to save face and calm me down by hugging me after but at that point nothing can simmer me down, especially not the person who fired me up in the first place, I mean hugs are comforting but not when my mind is racing and enraged. He really handled this poorly, the mall trigger he handled well and I really thought we turned a page there, but I guess not yet.

    During the day I watched a few videos about self-care, relationships and one stood out to me in particular, it was like a different spin on that conversational JK video we discussed on here earlier. Except instead of giving the PA reason for thinking he married for the wrong reason, this video really made me think, question and realize that I too may have agreed to this marriage, for the wrongs reasons because I used my own denial to excuse or justify so many of his red flags early on because in my mind I had made him out to be, "this perfect man for me, different than all the rest, someone who could never hurt me" - you know, someone who he clearly was not and obviously my denial of those red flags was so strong that I did not want to see him in any other way, I ignored them all, justified them as "boys will be boys" "it will stop after he gets married". Alexandra Redcay, goes into it very well in her TEDx Talk "Select the right relationship" specifically 4:58, it hit me hard. To think, if I only took those red flags seriously, instead of believing in the fictitious ideal I placed onto him I would have avoided a world of fucking hurt, where the hell was this video back in 2004/2005. I also watched an interesting video about masturbation/sex/loneliness/cheating and how it's all related/an entangled web and what porn takes away from it etc. I've learned a lot. Haven't spoken to him about it yet.

    Today he told me he is still confused about the "Let's Talk About Co-dependency" video he watched from The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert. He thinks it may be the reason why he still resorts to getting defensive in reacting to my triggers, but he wants to rewatch this video with me, so I can help him break it down. I told him we can do it tonight, I don't mind. The addict in the video goes into him being co-dependent because of the lack of emotional involvement he got from his mother growing up and I honestly think Wade has the same issue, but that's my opinion, he may not think so - I guess we can go into that tonight and see where that takes us.

    I completed most of my work for the day. Spent some time at the pool with the girls, did some Arts & Crafts with them, scheduled some gaming time too because if I don't we will never have time for it LOL, if we go talk before gaming, we won't get to gaming. So, after that, we'll watch the video and talk, if my back doesn't give out by then.

    OMG my brain hurts from so much thinking.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Self-Care (Daily Breakdown Key)
    1. Find your routine: Incorporating some sort of routine into your life, gives you back some sense of control back. However, the idea is to set easy/attainable goals, because if you set unreachable ones, you are setting yourself up for a letdown and will only result in making you feel less control and more anxious/depressed. (IE: No phone before brushing teeth, walk every morning etc.)
    2. Get creative: Do something creative like color, redecorate a room, design something, making something of your own will give you pride and a sense of fulfillment etc.
    3. Regulate your sleep: If you get enough sleep, your mood will regulate better.
    4. Talk about it: Vent, don't keep things inside, let it out. Releasing helps relieve stress and tension.
    5. Feel the feels: Give yourself some time to dwell on your pain, cry, listen to music to help but for a set time, just to get it out in the allotted time, so you don't dwell on it all day and so you don't get stuck inside your own head all day.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    #video

    Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay:

    4:58 – “The First Red Flag” that we ignore it/dismiss away denial, make excuses for that person so they fit into your idea of them. “I’m too picky”

    No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame | Maureen McGrath


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  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 200:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 |
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    We're at 6.5 months, TWO HUNDRED DAYS we've passed some sort of threshold here folks, jeez lol I did not see this coming, feels so weird. Anyhow, last night we (re)watched "Let's Talk About Co-dependency" from The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert because he wanted to go over the video together, so I can help him figure out certain points/parts of what was being said. After figuring out that both of us exhibit some form of co-dependency, I'm more of a people-pleaser in the sense of I just rather make people happy, so they leave me the hell alone and get shit over with and him, in order to get his way and avoid possible drama or discomfort, he lies, hides and manipulates (his PA***). Then that drove us right into a really big, sensitive, productive and enlightening discussion about his childhood and how some events back then could have attributed to his behavior as an adult, and as a man in a relationship (even what a mans role should be in a relationship), how emotional detachment as a child followed him into our relationship and how marital lifestyle was modelled for him in an unhealthy manner but that's private and I won't share on here. We also talked about his reaction the night before to my trigger and how he thinks it stems from his co-dependency. How, when I started talking about my trigger, it triggered his shame for all that he has done to me and his automatic reaction was to try and defend himself or "fix" the situation by making me see that he was innocent "this time". However, right now the goal for him is to be interdependent and just be there for me, show empathy, listen and hold my space - because at that moment, there is no reasoning with me, "fixing it" will only enrage me further/make my trigger worse.

    This morning we felt good, by some miracle, our little one let us sort of sleep in lol we cuddled a bit and then went for our walk. We talked about the night before, how it was insane that we were able to kind of figure out so much, which doesn't excuse away any of his behavior but sort of helps us have a better understanding as to how he became the way that he did and why certain things were normal for him. Now that we communicate, like for real, on a deep and vulernable level - we can really see things clearly and these new discoveres are both alarming and clear so much up.

    Then I spent the rest of the day doing my thing with the kids, he took my dad to a doctors appointment and now we are waiting to put the kids to bed because we are both pooped.

    Watched some good self-care videos, posted them below, hope they help others out there!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Self-Care (Daily Breakdown Key)
    1. Find your routine: Incorporating some sort of routine into your life, gives you back some sense of control back. However, the idea is to set easy/attainable goals, because if you set unreachable ones, you are setting yourself up for a letdown and will only result in making you feel less control and more anxious/depressed. (IE: No phone before brushing teeth, walk every morning etc.)
    2. Get creative: Do something creative like color, redecorate a room, design something, making something of your own will give you pride and a sense of fulfillment etc.
    3. Regulate your sleep: If you get enough sleep, your mood will regulate better.
    4. Talk about it: Vent, don't keep things inside, let it out. Releasing helps relieve stress and tension.
    5. Feel the feels: Give yourself some time to dwell on your pain, cry, listen to music to help but for a set time, just to get it out in the allotted time, so you don't dwell on it all day and so you don't get stuck inside your own head all day.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    #video

    Self-Care Theme: HEALTH
    Top 10 Misleading Food Label Claims | Nutrition Labels BUSTED!!!


    Proven Sleep Tips | How to Fall Asleep Faster

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  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 201:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night was a rough one for me on a few counts. My client, who I've been doing a project for throughout the summer, did something pretty shady and that really got under my skin. He is trying to scheme me out of some hard earned money, after-the-fact (approved/completed work). This is a referral from one of my other clients, a good one so I can't be too rude because everyone is so intertwined and I don't want to burn any bridges. Doesn't change the fact that I feel used and abused, as usual. To make matters worse, I was in the middle of a back and forth with him, as my older daughter was nagging me to come to play UNO, every few minutes completely disregarding my saying "I will be out when I am done" and I almost snapped, because I was already so irritated, I need to learn how to control my emotions more I guess, normally I'm better at it but these days it has been so rough to keep it together. I simmered down, went out and played a few games with Wade and her and distracted myself. We put her to bed then he and I talked a bit out on the balcony. It began to rain pretty bad, so we went in and continued talking about his childhood trauma and how that could have had an impact on who he turned into, also that he is seriously considering exploring all that stuff more with a professional. I said, sure, if he thinks that is something that will help him - go for it. Because the more we talk about it, the more we learn that there is so much more to all of this than just a porn and masturbation addiction, a whole lot more. Then we talked about how great it is to have this connection, freedom to openly talk without fear, guilt or shame etc and it does feel good, but so much honesty does not come without consequence when done without consideration for your TIMING, like, you can't just drop a bomb on someone and brush over it as if it's not a big deal, then move on... which is precisely what happened next... forgive my rambling, my brain and heart are fried at this point...

    As he was talking about his family, expressing things he considered "normal" before, because of that upbringing, he nonchalantly blurted out another little tidbit of new information, another disclosure, from a day trip he went on to Atlantic City with a bunch of guys from work a few years ago. This was my first time hearing what he mentioned (ever since the recovery began), it was similar to his full disclosure, but he claims that nothing ended up happening at that time because of an unwilling participant (not him, but the other person) perhaps she just didn't understand what the extra "tip" (money we could have used for the baby) he was offering was for, let's say he paid for a service, expecting to get a happy ending, but only got the standard service, without the happy ending. I was shocked, to say the least, not just about the activity itself but to the fact that I was only hearing about this now, 6.5 months later, better late than never? yea I guess but after all of our talks, plus I gave him over a week after the full disclosure to tell me if there was ANYTHING ELSE he needed to tell me/come clean about. He said ultimately, nothing ended up happening, so he didn't even remember this situation until right now, because we were talking about normalizing bad behaviors. I want to believe him, but that right there really scares me, that maybe there is more, a shit ton more and maybe even worse then what I already know - that he hasn't told me or "doesn't remember"... I gave him a lot of time to think back in March, I asked over and over again and he swore there was nothing else, what he told me, I mean, it was a pretty big thing, paying someone to do something to you, while you were married with kids and while you had your ring on? completely disregarding us... like we were nothing, a bunch of nobodies to him... I wonder if it did actually happen, and at that very moment back at home there was a tragic accident and all three of us went up in flames, while he was getting off with someone else, he couldn't be reached cause his phone was off, you know because he wanted to "have fun" because he works so "hard"... would he even care? I wonder what would he say at the funerals? would he even feel any guilt about it? yea that's right I went there, I think about these things. I thought many things on the last cruise I went on too, as I peered over the deck, into the ocean, standing there alone like a fucking loser, in a "married but single" sort of way. Listen, I worked hard too, maybe I should have gone out and had some "fun" and paid someone to give me a "happy ending", at that point I sure as hell needed it way more than he did... ugh, chances are I wouldn't even have to pay for it, I would just have to ask. The more I think about all of this, the last 12 years, it makes me want to just breakdown and cry, I've been holding onto so much pain the weight is becoming unbearable and I don't know how to keep the tears in much longer. Then another thing that really stood out to me was when he second-guessed himself, right before telling me, because he mumbled "well, I don't really care if I go anymore" or something like that, before he began, at first I didn't catch onto it, then when I said "well, you know that now that annual trip to AC, you can't go or even ask to go, it will trigger me" and he said "I know, that's why I said to myself that I probably wouldn't go anyway". He's supposedly been "honest" now for 5 months or so, so I'm over here thinking I've heard the last 'secret' and he's been an open book since March, but I guess not, not remembering is too easy of an excuse, it's not like I was asking him to remember one of our dates or something, this was obviously something he cared about much more, but it slipped his mind for 5 months? I'll quote something from Dr. Weiss's Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses video (29:55) -- which we watched TOGETHER and talked about for a few days, cough - RE: disclosures "all they want is... they want to know what the bottom line is, you know? 'the ground is shifting beneath my feet, when is this earthquake going to stop', and he say's it's over, that's all there is, there's nothing else to learn, and she says 'phew okay, all right I can handle that'... and three weeks later she finds something else in his wallet and she says 'what is this', and he says ah well, that's the one thing I forgot to tell you about and then the ground is shaking again. Only now when he says but I promise that's it, she can't believe him." :(:(:(

    I am so tired, tired of it all, everything. I'm worried there's a ton more that I don't know, undiscovered "truths" and stuff I may never know and that fucking scares me. I don't know what's up, nor down anymore. The ground is shaking again, what else is there? I am glad I have alcohol tonight.

    This morning we didn't talk about much, only my work frustrations/client. He didn't have much else to say on the recovery front. I didn't want to bring up what he told me last night because I honestly don't think he gets it, that he really see's the actual problem, because "nothing ended up happening". Or that I am only hearing about it, for the first time 6.5 months into us being "completely honest" and "no more secrets" from each other. I just feel like pulling back, I don't know if there is more now and I can't trust his "this is it, there is nothing else" because that's what he had before, and then... last night, he remembers this new disclosure.

    He had to leave early for work today, I've been stuck at home with the girls. To be honest, I'm a little relieved about it actually because I think I needed that time to myself, to just think and really process what I heard last night. As I sit here and write, rethink and rationalize the information he disclosed to me last night, the more furious I get. I didn't fully process it last night, because I was still fuming over my client situation and my head was clouded with all that. But I mean, I guess it was also the way he just blurted it out like it was nothing, sort of like "as a matter of fact" in the middle of the conversation... a "no biggie" [of a whopper] but I don't think he understands the gravity of what he did/tried to do/said... it was like another bomb just went off for me. I could reimagine all of it... it's Spring 2015, he's standing there in front of me, convincing me to let him go on that trip to Atlantic City -- guilting me into it "because he works so fucking hard, he needs a break, all the guys are going, he never gets to hang out, he never gets to have any fun!" the whole boo fucking hoo show, so I give in, stay stuck at home, exhausted, lonely, and watching the kids all day (esp with a 7 month old baby who barely slept at night)... as he is out having a blast with his co-workers, carefree, which at the time I thought was only gambling and drinking some beers... but he decided, with his wedding ring on/throwing his vows right out the window, that he was going to go and try having some real fun and even though it didn't pan out (he claims) to me the intent on his part was there - clear as day, he went there to get something specific, he paid but the 'tip' was lost in translator, he was more then happy to betray me if given the opportunity to complete the task, to PAY someone to do something I was always more than willing to do at home, for free, any fucking time. That's what was on his mind, while I was with our two girls at home. Makes me feel like the lowest of the low, and the stupidest of the stupid for sticking around at all, especially after the first discovery day, when it was only porn, that I know of - and holy shit, I thought that was the worst of it.

    If I would have had the balls to leave him then, I wouldn't have been dragged through the mud mentally/emotionally, cheated on and I wouldn't have wasted over a decade on a man who was just incapable of truly loving, wanting, desiring, adoring, respecting me or our vows. I will teach my daughters one thing: pay attention to every fucking red flag, as small as you may think they are, RUN, don't let the image you made of "him" overpower the facts set before you. To think I could have spent 10 years with someone who actually appreciated me, wanted to be with me, desired ME, was loyal to me and the vows he took, instead of wasting them and my youth away. But, instead, I felt embarrassed because I had just given birth and I was too ashamed to admit to the world that my "picture perfect" new family, was nothing but that. So, year after year I choose everyone else, over myself. Not to toot my own horn, but any guy would be LUCKY to have a woman, as open-minded as me on all front, but especially in bed - so long as my needs are met emotionally/as a woman, you'll be king of the castle so to speak.

    I guess I haven't had time to really process this new information properly, it all happened way too fast, he doesn't think it's a big deal and it didn't really hit me until it hit me. I guess this is why all those therapists recommend you say everything you have to say upfront and don't let information trickle out later. Right now, my heart is broken, all over again. I'm sad, really sad.

    One thing I am happy about is, he ended up getting his scheduled changed for the next few weeks and this is going to stir things up for us in a sense. I guess it will make it more difficult for me with the kids, but it will also give me a chance to pull away a little. I think maybe I'm getting too emotionaly reinvested and maybe that's something I shouldn't be doing right now, maybe taking a step back is a good thing for me. I need time to collect my thoughts and figure out what the hell I need/want from all angles of my life.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Even though I felt really down today, I still tried to keep my chin up and not sulk in my own pity party in front of my girls, but it was really, really difficult.:emoji_ok_hand:

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  11. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry for what you and all SO's go through, a lot of burden to bare.
     
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  12. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry, Jagliana.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you both.
     
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry, Jagliana. I often wonder if there is any else to be disclosed also.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thanks :-/

    The world of "unknowns" and "what if's" is excruciating.

    What is even worse is that, even if the player changes, the game remains the same, because that's how men were brought up in this society.
     
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  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

  17. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry Jagliana that you had another "bomb" as you put it, dropped on you.

    You do not deserve any of this and unfortunately, the longer you entertain this game "his recovery", the more "sudden recalls" you may encounter and the pain will never end, it is a endless cycle, I've been there too many times. Addicts have very faulty memories, I don't for a second believe that he didn't get his "happy ending" on that trip, I think he adjusted his story to ease the blow when he realized what he just said.

    You are a bright, strong and beautiful woman, you deserve a man that will provide you with the kind of love, attention, devotion and respect that you deserve. It's scary I know, I was there, moving on and thinking you can't because change is scary and it is, I won't lie. But once you do it, you know make that first step, you'll soon realize it was worth it just to be happy and darling there are plenty of fish in the sea, find someone who is worthy of the kind of love you have to give.

    Sending plenty of love your way tonight.
     
  18. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    I feel the same as you. I've been through all this before and got to a point where I trusted him again after 4 years. Then I found out he'd relapsed 2 years ago and the addiction started again. I only found out because I had a nagging gut feeling and he never wanted sex. If I didn't go snooping he'd have carried on lying :(
    This time I feel like I might have to divorce him as I don't think I can get better and regain my sanity and self esteem this time. Xx
     
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  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry, to both hear that and for what you're going through. This is is definitely a challenging life experience, with little to no certainty.
     
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  20. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    I hope we both get to a happy safe place in our lives soon :) x
     
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