I'm Addicted and I'm Helpless to Stop

Well I had an issue performing last night. It sort of surprised me because I had been OK the last few times. I was making love with my wife, staying in the moment when my old "friend" E.D. showed up again. She was upset and hurt "dont you love me or want me anymore?" I was upset because I wanted to be with her. I did have a bit too much to drink so I'm sure that didn't help, but I feel sort of dejected this morning. I did not relapse or use porn, but I hate that it still has this hold on me.

 

Thank you. I feel the same way... I, like many, have a lot of demons to face. For the longest time I thought I was fine. I was a good person and PMO was just a little compartmentalized portion of my personality. Maybe it started out that way, but it soon became a situation where that little slice of my life was taking over. Not sure if you've read much of what my history is, but recently it has not been that of a "good person". I don't intend to make folks who experiment with PMO & have no issues stopping feel bad, but for people like me (I come from a long line of folks addicted to various things) it is poison. It is very scary to be honest and tell the things I've done, but strangely freeing & positive. I just don't want to hide anymore. I want to be free!

 

Well I'm at 22 days! I recognize this as a personal accomplishment, but I am aware how fragile it is. Quite a while ago I had gone for 100+ days, but fell back into old habits. It started with just MO, but quickly escalated to PMO 5 or 6 times a week sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.... at work, at home, in the bathroom... it didn't matter. I convinced myself that I was cured & let my guard down. 22 days is the longest I've gone without PMO in well over a year. But it is just another stop on my journey.

 

I have to say that it was a good weekend for me. I was intimate with my wife and did not have issues with E.D. Previous issues may have been partially alcohol related, but not sure. The disturbing thing is that as I sit here (all alone with my computer) my porn brain suddenly kicked in from out of no where.... This sort of "good job, you've made it almost 30 days and had 'normal' sex with your wife so you deserve some porn!" thought crept into my head. How is it that after all of the shit I've done & been through because of porn that my stupid brain can have this thought? Just a little seed that if I let go would turn into a gigantic weed. So instead, I came here to post & read a couple of threads... Thank God for this forum!

 

Still doing OK... had much distraction the past few days so that helps. I really think my 2 things are stress & boredom. When I don't feel well or am stressed out I have usually looked to PMO for a release or pick me up. When I am bored with nothing to do, just sitting around with the computer also. I think in my case being "horny" has little to do with it.... when you MO as much as I have in the past I'm not sure you could ever be horny. So, another day of freedom... another day of hard work.

 

34 days is pretty impressive for me! But I know it is a drop in the bucket of my journey to be free from PMO. I recently deleted all of my old accounts at various "sites". I don't know why it never occurred to me to do it before.... probably in the back of my mind I was planning on using them again. Not now.

 

Pretty strange day... for some reason I've encountered a number of triggers today... PG 13 photos online, songs with suggestive lyrics, a number of things that turned my mind toward PMO. There was this little voice in my head saying "go ahead & do it, you are all alone, perfect time". I've chosen to redirect my focus here & at work. I wonder if the voice will ever completely go away. I know I don't have to listen now.

 

So I just caught myself about to search the forums for the flavor of porn that I was into. I'd like to think that it was because I was looking for support from someone in the same boat or looking to offer support, but I'm not so sure. In the back of my mind I wonder if perhaps I was going to live vicariously through someone else.... Not a very good look, but I didn't do it so there's that. I wish I never got involved with this crap!

 

Thanks for your comment. It helps so much to have other people mock and ridicule you on a forum that is typically safe. I cant say that I disagree entirely with your statement. Many of the things I've done are in fact evil, but I am not. Human beings do evil things, horrible things every single day. I don't believe that we are an inherently evil species. Self serving, self centered, and inconsiderate... yes, but evil... no. One has only to look at your response to prove my point.

On a more positive note, I've been doing really well as of late. Still staying away from PMO and improving my relationship with my wife. Trying to be a better person. That's the best I can do.

 

I had a bad day yesterday. Honestly the post calling me evil didn't help! Didn't use PMO, but just felt tired & irate with the world. I've noticed more and more temptation. Specifically I will look at a woman and for a bit my mind will wander, or look at an image on the computer and do the same thing. I've read and heard some guys recovering from porn or sex addiction talk about the auto-pilot brain. I think I am experiencing that... I've trained my mind on porn for so many years that is the "go to" thought. I do think that it is preventable... a choice perhaps, but not on my own. Only through hard work, support from the folks at NOFAP and SAA, and most importantly giving it over to God (for me anyway). I'm not sure I agree with the title of this thread anymore. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, but I don't think I'm helpless anymore.

 

Thank you. You are right.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I know it is a long road, but I'd like to think that I have started the journey. It may not seem like much, but 42 days is the longest I've gone without PMO in many years. I know I've made a great many damaging decisions over the years... those are mine. I own them, but I refuse to be owned by them.