I'm Addicted and I'm Helpless to Stop

I've come back to NoFap. Like the Prodigal Son I suppose. I've also just started SAA meetings. I am a helpless addict, just like many on this site.

Thank you,
Arpy

 

So I'm going to treat this thread a bit like a journal. I think it will help me to get some of this out there and maybe it will help someone else as misery loves company. A bit about me and my struggle follows.
I'm in my 40's and married for almost 20 years with 2 beautiful children. By all outward appearances, I've got it together. But just under the surface (nobody knows) lurks this demon that would destroy everything I hold dear. It is porn addiction. Like many addicts, I've gotten used to the "usual" stuff and as such, I seek out more and more extreme porn to get that rush. Somewhere along the way, I've lost myself and no longer have a healthy attitude toward women and sex. In fact, it has become increasingly difficult to have sex with my wife due to some erectile dis-function. I need the porn to be aroused.
What's more, I've progressively moved these images and ideas from the computer into my real life. I've secretly been recording my wife and I having sex with the intent to distribute. I've arranged encounters online for her to meet strangers for sex. I've "fed her up" on alcohol and medication to relax her for sex. Now I've not followed through on most of these things, but it gives me the rush to arrange and think about them. In all honesty, even writing this does to a certain degree.
The bottom line is that all of this is simply evil. Strong word, but I believe it to be true. It all started with porn.

Thank you,
Arpy

 

So I am on day 3 and so far so good. I agree that it helps to stay busy... boredom has always been a big trigger for me. I continue to remind myself that yes 3,5,10,50 whatever days are a wonderful accomplishment, but certainly not the end (at least for me). I've been doing this a very long time and it has gotten progressively worse the longer I do it. I definitely feel like I've lost part of myself in the process. I suppose time will tell if I can find it again.

 

So I had been busy over the weekend so no post. But it was a good weekend for me. My wife & I had intercourse and I managed to stay in the moment and stay fairly erect! I was done much earlier than I would have liked, but it is a start. I'm still taking it one day at a time. I'm praying for strength and guidance. This will be day 6 for me, which is the longest I've abstained from PMO for probably a year anyway. I'm just trying to avoid triggers (internet images, thoughts, habits, etc.).
I was thinking this morning that one of my triggers is stress... I want to escape & porn provides an "easy way" to forget your problems. I've had plenty (like everyone) the past year. My Mother lost a long and horrible battle with cancer about 3 months ago. I can see now that I sort of disappeared down the rabbit hole of porn to not have to deal or think about it. I quit on her birthday. Last night I had a dream (I seldom remember them), but I dreamt I was with my Mom.. nothing special, just in her kitchen and we were happy. I cant help but think maybe the dream and my decision to quit porn are related.
I wish you all strength and happiness in your recovery.

Arpy

 

I'm on to another day and still doing OK. It does help to read other posts and see that we are not alone. I know that this road is long and likely I will fall. My only hope is that I, along with all of you, continue to get back up and move forward. I'm having a bit of trouble getting motivated today and I am on guard for boredom... always a trigger. In all honesty, I may be a little depressed. We will have to see how that works out.

Arpy

 

I've been reading some of the other posts in the forum & I cant believe the similarities and shared experiences we all have. It is like looking in the mirror. I can see myself reflected in the experiences and struggles of many others, which is all at once scary and incredibly helpful. I think I've had blinders on for much of my adult life. I've been oblivious to the pain I have or could have caused my wife, family, & friends. However, in the other posts I can see the truth. The truth about who I let myself become and more importantly the truth about what porn is. I believe porn and to a large degree, the hyper sexualized society we live in is a drug.
The other day I got into a discussion about God with a young man who firmly maintained that there is no higher power. There is no God. I told him that we all worship a god. Some of us know it and some do not. I do not want to worship at the altar of pornography any more!

 

So I'm doing Ok. Trying to be aware of triggers, in control of myself, & in the moment. Reading others posts helps a great deal.
I was thinking about my slow descent into this addiction. I, like many my age, started fantasizing with the good ole Sears Catalog. I knew my father had magazines (I had seen them) and sometimes he was in the living room with the door closed. My mother said he was watching "his special movies". I now know that they were porn, what he would or would not do alone watching them I don't know or care to know. I don't know what age, but I remember having sexual contact with several cousins... it was young enough that I was not mature enough to ejaculate. I continued down this path for quite a while (magazines & masturbation), feeling guilty & punishing myself by throwing away my favorite baseball cards of all things.
Fast forward many years & several girlfriends, still no internet porn & I was living with my girlfriend (now my wife). I was calling phone sex lines & walking down to the corner news stand to buy pornographic magazines. I wasn't looking for sex or physical contact, I was looking for the rush. There was a girl working there (4 or 5 years my junior) who I recognized as a classmate from school. The adrenaline rush of buying a filthy magazine from her was what I was looking for!
Thank God internet porn didn't come along until much later or I would be totally destroyed. I really feel for the young guys on this site... they are having problems in their 20's that it took me 20+ years to develop.
Peace & good thoughts.

 

Another day without PMO is a good day. I am a recovering addict. I will most likely always be recovering. This is all new to me, but some folks I know in other 12 step programs have told me that. It's not even so much a moment of weakness as a moment of complacency... thinking "I got this, no problem". I'm just going day by day and thankful for everything I have in life and for every day I am without porn.

 

I cant really believe it, but I am approaching 2 weeks without PMO. I really feel better about myself. I have had some tempting moments and caught myself drifting back into the same old paths & habits, but was able to stay on track. I know of course that 2 weeks (or even an entire year for that matter) is nothing compared to a lifetime of addiction & abuse of PMO. However, the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. I'd like to think that I'm on that journey and have taken the first few steps.
It is a journey (I keep reminding myself of that) and as such, it is never quite complete. I'm sure it will become easier as time goes by, but I don't believe it will ever go away. I need to be aware of temptations and just keep one foot in front of the other! Thank you all for your kind words & encouragement.

 

I've been doing fairly well at resisting temptations. I work alone, which from what I read is a big hurdle for many... being alone with a computer all day allows a great deal of time to shop the net for porn. Boredom was always a big trigger for me. I've tried to keep busy and started taking walks at least once a day. That has helped some. Writing my thoughts down here as helped, but I've also begun writing a bit. Something I've always enjoyed, but surfing the net for porn took a lot of that away. I've also been practicing "mindfulness". Just breathing.

 

Having some dreams that are starting down the path. The past couple of days I've been half awake in bed when these thoughts & dreams start to develop. Mostly what I would call PG13 or NC 17, but I know that those have always led me to porn. I continue to exercise mid-day, which I think helps me a great deal to get some "nervous energy" out.

 

I'm still PMO free which is great. Wonder if I am coming out of some sort of flat line. Up until a couple of days ago it was pretty smooth sailing. Recently I've had more frequent and stronger urges, fantasies, mind wandering... I've not acted on them, but was slightly surprised to have them. I shouldn't have been. I guess I'm still understanding how strong of a hold porn has on me.