I will get to 60 days semen retention!

Day 22

Gary Wilson said in his book "Your Brain On Porn" that the healing won't be linear. Instead you will have days where you feel like you're on top of the world and days where you feel down low and just want to watch porn again.

The second option describes my day the best. I felt a little bit more anxious than the days before and had some big urges for the first time for like 1 week or so.

But I still have a lot of energy and like to interact with other people as well.
I also feel like I'm getting more attention from women -even tho i completely ignore them (not because of being arrogant but because of not being interested and focusing on myself).

I also have to remind you that my personal no pmo record lays at 23 days -it feels like a big accomplishment to get there tomorrow and to continue pmo abstinence even further.

Wish you a great night!

 

DAY 23!

It's really interesting, how your feelings can go from high to low in just one day.
I'm feeling absolutely down right now. I have almost no motivation (still did my workout today) and feeling like a subhuman being. I also got very intense urges to watch porn and masturbate again..
I also can't look people in the eyes like i used to only days ago..
But fuck it -I will continue to do this! Those withdrawal symptoms show me that i'm getting closer to being healed from porn, so I have to endure them!!

Anyways as I mentioned in my previous post, today i made history (at least for myself) in abstaining from pmo 23 days. I did not abstain from pmo this long since discovering Porn in 2013.
So that's another thing that will keep me motivated to do this for 30 days and even longer.

 

Day 24

I just had a very depressing day. That's because, last night i realized, that my family was not good for me and my mental health in the past, nor will be in the future.

I have to mention that i have a really mean and psychologically abusing step dad, that treated me with now respect when i was still living at home and tried to kick me out all the time- even trying to put me into a mental health facility.

It's the same with my brother. He still lives with my mother and my stepdad and gets psychologically abused by my step dad -she just let's it pass. My mother always helped me with everything but was not there for me when i needed her the most.

I just can't let that pass without consequence, so I decided after a long sleepless night that I won't visit them for the next couple of months or even years. I'm still so angry for what happened in the past that I can't just stand there and smile at them, while my brother goes trough the same hell as i did.

If you have something that is bad for your mental health, you have to complete cut it out of your life and i will do this even tho it'S my family..

 

Thank you my friend, your words are what i need right now.. Those things that i went trough (without going into detail about them) were really, really bad -in a psychological way, and the first people that i told my story today and the last couple of days were really upset and sad about what I was going trough from age 11 till i moved out from home at age 18. I don't want to over dramatize my situation, but I think most other people would have done something terrible or even ended their lives in my situation.

It's crazy, that nofap confronted me with those horrible things that happened to me years ago and that i suppressed ever since -acting normal with my family even tho they really destroyed my teenage years. It's just like you said -being fully conscious from abstaining could be really eye opening and challenging sometimes. But we have to go trough those things in order to grow as human beings and to let go of all those experiences and the people that have caused those experiences.
That's why I'm absolutely grateful for my eye opening experiences the last couple of days, even tho they are absolutely painful and even tho i got depression from them right now.

I wish you the best my friend and again thank you for your comment and support.

 

Day 25

- Big urges
- Social anxiety at 100%
- Feels like my semen comes out while sitting haha

But still continuing.

 

Day 26

Social anxiety slowly fading away (for now). I don't know if that has to do with my new diet plan. I eat 10 whole eggs a day since yesterday.
I also had some porn related dream that night -so it seems like my brain needs some dopamine right now.

 

Thanks mate!

 

Day 27

I want to make this one short so:

- Anxiety creeping up again
- Extreme urges (almost turned my computer to watch P again)
- Feeling extremely tired (even tho i aim for a 10 hour bed time)
- Lack of motivation to do anything
- Getting porn flashbacks that i can't control
- Don't feeling attracted to real women

 

Day 28 - or so i thought...

I relapsed.
And I'm not even beating myself up about it.
If you followed my journal, you can see that the last days for me were pretty hard. I had extreme urges (like i said, i wanted to watch Porn yesterday), i've had sleeping problems (even tho my sleep tracker said my sleep data was absolutely fine -Oura rings are really accurate there), had depression, anxiety and personal problems -and today the porn demon took over.

How did I relapse?

I just couldn't resist the physical pressure anymore -even had some P related dreams last night where i would (in my dream) relapse. I started to masturbate without porn -quit that because i didn't want to relapse, went back to the living room just to pick up my phone and go to my favorite porn site and.. BAM RELAPSE!

And now?

I will quit doing nofap, because it does not work for me and is a waste of time...

NAH, just kidding. To be honest, it is really frustrating to go all the way back to day 1 (day wise) and not be able to reach my personal goal of 30 days, which was just 2 days ahead. But I don't count days, how my recovery goes on is what counts for me -and those 28 days showed me, that i CAN and i WILL resist this porn demon, till i'm completely healed.

What i did to recover from that relapse

I immediately talked to my best friend about my relapse, he is on nofap as well and knows my struggle.
After that call, i took a cold shower for my lower body parts to make them less sensitive.
After that, i went for a 1/2 hour walk, where i greeted everyone walking past me -making sure to hold eye contact. That's already a really big step towards healing for me, because normally I would have been ashamed for 2 days at least and would not leave the house. So i definitely can tell that no progress is lost due to my relapse.
I also did my home workout routine (neck and traps -as well as abs) and tried to not use my phone for wasting time -after the workout i cooked my food and even tho i was really hungry, i did a cold shower before eating.
Now i do everything without excuses in my household to get me back on track.

How have i felt / how am I feeling?

After relapsing i felt ashamed for like 5 minutes or so, but then decided to not think about this relapse anymore and take action (from the lines above) to speed up my recovery.
I also felt really tired and horny (had porn thoughts) during the fist 40 minutes of my "recovery walk", but that tiredness faded away afterwards.
Right now I'm feeling better and much, much calmer than before the relapse -which could be a misleading feeling -because my brain now got it's long awaited dopamine hit and keeps quiet.

Let's see what the next days bring.

 

Day 1

I had much more testosterone today, than in the last 2 Weeks on Nofap -not gonna lie. But i also have intense cravings for porn.

I also think, that i took my diet too far in the last 2 weeks, which enhanced those negative, depressed feelings while being on nofap, which ultimately led to my relapse.
Since the last 2 days i eat more again -especially carbs, which give me energy in the gym and enhance my mood.

I also feel less anxiety, while being in social situations -let's see what the next 2-3 days bring, which are going to be the hardest.

 

I relapsed again Day 3

My thoughts right now after relapsing are mixed between suicidal and motivational.
I will start over again tomorrow and finally get to 30 days!!!!!!!!!!

 

Truly spoken words brother. I will continue to fight this addiction -even if i have to start over and over again - i will get into the rebooting process.
I think my chaser effect got intensified by my excessive phone and computer use the last couple of days. It was also one of the habits that caused my first relapse after 28 days.
You don't get healed, when you swap an addiction with another addiction.

So my plan right now for the rest of the 29 days or even for the rest of my life is to use my electronically devices only if it's really necessary and to give updates on my journey here on this forum. The mistake I'd make for the last couple of days was to use my phone right after waking up, which eventually gave me bad mood.

 

Day 1

I realized, that my excessive phone and computer use led to both of my latest nofap relapses.
So from today i changed my approach and decided to cut both devices out of my life, as much as possible.

Instead of waking up in the morning, grabbing my phone, wasting time and checking the local news only to get depressed, i write down 3 things, that i'm grateful about -which give me a really great start in the day.

That's what I did this morning for the first time in my life and felt absolutely relaxed. I think cutting off phone use in the morning is what's working for me.
I was also really productive and had much more time for my breakfast, meditation and personal care than usually.
On top of that i was able to get out of bed at 07:30 am - normally i fall asleep again or laze down till 08:00 am.

I'm in for this shit and will succeed!

 

Day 2

I'm feeling great right now - not gonna lie. The manly aggressions, in situations in which i'm treated badly showed themselves today. For example -I spoke to a gym member today, which was constantly interrupting me while i wanted to say something. He often does that when we see each other and speak. Normally i would let that pass and don't even feel bad about it, but this time it made me so aggressive, and he sensed that. I don't know if he saw that in my eyes, but he apologized instantly.

Today i've made a plan for my bulking phase which is starting tomorrow and ran some miles after not being able to run for the last 7 months, due to a kickboxing injury. I have to build up some endurance for a military test which I will face in less than 2 weeks. That's also what keeps me going.
I've also completely cut out a friend of mine which was always mocking me for looking skinny on my diet and insulted me randomly.

I won't let it pass being mistreated in the future from anyone!

Also seeing the headline of this post, which is saying day 2 is not even depressing anymore. I will make the days count and won't care about the daycount.

 

Day 3

Getting calmer and calmer. I don't know if that has to do with me using my phone less often (especially when I'm stressed) but today I had no problems with riding the bus to my gym and back.
I also find it easier to do my work and tasks.

 

Day 4

Extreme testosterone boost. I'm so angry and calm at the same time right now. I also finally told my family members that i don't want to see them anymore, because of shit that happened in my childhood and teenage years.
My self esteem and self respect is at it's peek right now!