How to tell if recovery commitment is real?

I could use some advice from a PA to an SO.

Brief background:
My husband tried to stop PMO 4 years ago and has since gone from 2 or 3 times a day to once every 2-ish months all without me knowing he had an addiction at all. Dday was in December and he says he has now been PMO (every version of it unless I'm involved) for close to a month.

Since dday he hasn't done much in terms of research or seeking help. He joined nofap, but he got overwhelmed by the number of people who are just starting their recovery and felt it hard to relate to them at this point in his recovery because he isn't at that point anymore.

My concern is that it feels he isn't trying to recover and that he's doing it for me since he hasn't researched or sought help. He continues to try to do it on his own and will only talk to me when I bring it up. How do I know he really wants this? When I ask him about it he says he hates himself and feels disgusted when he gives into his urges. And I believe him, but I don't feel like he is trying to really beat this.

When he doesn't talk to me about what's going on unless I prompt him, him not telling me about flatlining until we have a fight about me feeling lonely and like I disgust him makes me feel like he has something to hide. I have been extremely supportive of him and have done all sorts of research to understand. He remained and I didn't once get upset, but he still refuses to tell me about its or relapses without me bringing it up. He has agreed to everything I have asked of him without even a tiny bit of resistance since dday except him getting real help. Even from an online support group like this.

Is there anyone who can relate? Anyone in a similar situation? Any advice? Any comforting words? Any tough things I need to hear? I'm trying to figure out what top do. I feel like we're stagnant right now and it seems that it will only go downhill.

 

He hasn't turned his nose up, he actually showed me a comment on someone's post that he made because they had relapsed and he was encouraging them. I think he is afraid of it triggering him. But that is of course just a guess.

It doesn't seem like he really wants to talk to me about it. Once again I think mostly has to do with shame. He doesn't want me to know how much he is struggling because he think I will think less of him. How do I make him understand that if he talks to me that is exactly will make me feel better?

He hasn't lied to me bout the porn since dday, every time I ask he tells me what's going on. We have accountability software so I can always check up, but I don't unless I have one of those gut feelings. Now the issue is less about the lying and more about having an open and honest discussion about what he is going through. He told me he doesn't want me to keep him accountable because he is afraid of my reaction, but the 2 times he has relapsed I stayed completely calm and supportive. I guess I need to ask him why he is still so afraid of me. I am only a risk of leaving if he continues to shut me out at this point.

The issue isn't getting him to talk to me, he tells me everything I have ever asked no matter how embarrassing it is for him (I can see in his face after certain questions that he's embarrassed) or how much it might hurt me. It is getting him to initiate the conversations. I don't know what else to do to get him to realize how important it is to me that he let's me know what's going on without my asking.. I can't force him to start conversations with me, but I also can't continue to feel like I'm in the dark. I hate having to feel like I am always bringing it up because I don't know what is happening.

Thanks for your response. I appreciate the input.

 

That's how my husband is too. Doesn't get mad at all when I am asking him questions.

I am so sorry! That must be so hard to go through your day wondering what is and isn't true. I feel like most SOs are constantly wondering and that is one of the hardest parts.

I think this is another thing I need to delve into more with him. I get the feeling that he is more concerned about it triggering him because he has used the phrase "I need to be careful what I am reading" or something along those lines. It isn't that he thinks he is better than anyone on here, I just think he doesn't know how to approach things. I think he needs to find somewhere else to outlet. Something that works for his needs.

Sounds like it is time for another conversation. Yay...

 

I haven't threatened to do anything yet because I'm not sure about the follow through. I'm trying to figure out the best way for him to realize I'm serious, but haven't figured it out so I haven't said anything yet. I have thought a ot about him moving out, or even just not being in the same bed but haven't told him yet because I don't want to hurt what progress he has made. I'm trying to figure it out best I can.

That's a good idea. I think he would be willing to do that and it isn't a difficult thing for him to initiate once he feels comfortable. We always go to bed at the same time no matter what so that would be good time to have a little synopsis.

 

I would love to tell you that next week!

 

My husband never has claimed to hit rock bottom. I understand people have their opinions about rock bottom and such, but I think saying that an addict can only recover if they have hit rock bottom is absolutely ridiculous. It gives people an excuse NOT to recover. "Well I haven't hit rock bottom yet, so I might as well keep on doing it." I completely understand that for a lot of people this is the case, that they couldn't really start their recovery until that was all that was left. But I don't think it is right to tell people, PAs or SOs, that unless a PA has hit rock bottom they will never recover.

That is an unfair statement.

Do I think my husband is doing everything he possibly can to get through this? Absolutely not! But I don't think it is fair to say " husband, I know you have been trying really hard to recover, that you don't PMO, M or anything of the sort without me now that dday has come around. I think that you want to recover but haven't because you don't have support. BUT in order for me to believe you really want this, you need to hit rock bottom. I need to leave you so you can go back to your full blown addiction realize you're ruining your life, and THEN and only then, will I believe that you want to recover."

I don't want to step on any toes, but I also think that telling people that they're SO can't recover without them hitting rock bottom makes them think that the only way for them to recover is by leaving them or by separating or by kicking them out of the bed. I don't know about you, but if I told my husband that at this point I know exactly what he would do. He would tell himself that the progress he has made so far isn't worth it, that I don't support him enough to want to be with him through this process and what is the point of even trying. I know my husband, and I know that is exactly what would happen so is me leaving him so he can "hit rock bottom" actually something that NEEDS to happen for him and everyone? Or does his recovery look different from everyone elses?

I am an addict to self harm. I don't think about it all the time, I definitely have my triggers, but when I do think about it, like right now, it really makes me want to burn myself. I resist and think about something else, but I didn't have to be stuck in a hospital for a suicide attempt to stop. One day I decided that I needed to stop or that is where I would end up and it wasn't easy but I did. I have relapsed since then, but I still haven't needed to hit "rock bottom." Why can't the threat of losing his wife if he doesn't stop be enough for him to want to recover.

I have said before. He has done a lot trying to quit without me even knowing there was a problem at all. So why is it he still has to "hit rock bottom" for things to get better?

What I need from him the most is to seek help in his recovery. He has been trying to do it by himself for the last 4 years and I think that is why he is still relapsing, he had no one to talk to or keep him accountable to talk to me about it. And that is what I am asking for in this post. Advice and places for him to seek help. And for advice on how to get him to talk to me about what is going on with him.

I agree, and that is what he isn't doing which is why I started this thread. For advice on how to get him to feel comfortable starting a dialogue with me.

 

@BreatheDeeply We did the 2 minute discussion last night like you suggested and he was totally open to it. He had a crazy busy day at work, didn't even have time to eat lunch type of day, so he didn't have anything to tell me.

I was told him that by the end of May he needed to have a group or website or whatever and an accountability partner. He for the first time told me that he would like me to be his accountability partner and that makes me feel better. Once he finds a community he is comfortable with he will find a PA to be able to talk to about what he's going through, but for now I am happy that he has committed to talking to me about his addiction and joining a community of his choosing for an additional outlet.

 

@Numb no problem. That had been on my mind for a long time. I think if they're making efforts to recover and are really trying then rock bottom isn't necessary. I have seen the efforts my husband has made and I am concerned about him being stagnant. That's why I started this thread. I'm happy it made you feel better me saying that. I had been bottling that up kinda.

 

@Kenzi thank you for that list! I will give it to my husband for him to peruse and pick where he feels he fits best.