Fasting Februar challenge: Healthy eating, real life, no porn

"Cheat day"
It's a shame that I didn't succeed too on the 3rd day. But I messed up nearly every category. Being the one who started this challenge it feels extra bad. But staying accountable means I have to tell you - ideally without any delay. And so I do.

• no porn
  
• no pornsubs
  
• no masturbation/edging

• no alcohol
  
• no sugar
  
• no online entertainment

OK, it's actually half. I was so closed to use porn but in the end I only MO'd to fantasy. And when I went to buy groceries - a lot of them and being hungry and tired, I thought for a minute about buying a good red wine for me. But then I thought: what the hell! And I saw that I could be flawless despite the resets, at least in this category. I won't lie, I would have enjoyed the wine. However, the minimum would be the tiny bottle of 0,5 liter. And it does damage body and mind, I'm sure. To a certain degree. Then why should I choose the enjoyment through alcohol when I have a similar experience, only without it. In fact I had a tasty meal and I haven't missed the whine. That's how the mind works anyway: when it sees whine it reacts, later it forgots and it can even enjoy a fictional / fantasized whine - isn't that nuts?!

Back to business. Relapse happened as in most cases: gradually. First I allowed myself something which was barely on the side of "online entertainment" - I listen to an completely harmless audio book which I had already on my plate, meaning offline available. But it is entertainment. And of course I don't stop after listening to just one or three episodes. And once the GATE FOR EXCEPTIONS AND EXCUSES has been opened it needs to be closed again swiftly and with force. If not .....................

 

If it was a movie title: THE BRAIN FOG


Day 3 - correction

no porn
(after my last post)


Day 4

• no porn
  
• no pornsubs
  
• no masturbation/edging

• no alcohol
  
• no sugar
  
• no online entertainment

* 1 hour of exercise *

- sugary sweets: I ate the leftovers from yesterday without much of a thought

- online gaming: there's this strange urge to play this stupid but difficult game and I did it again - twice for maybe 20 minutes entirely. ENOUGH WITH THIS UTTER NONSENSE!

alcohol: we had dinner at a restaurant and I drank a beer - with alcohol. I remember how I thought for a second about that choice but didn't remember my resolution and this challenge AT ALL. Only back home I realized that now I've broken this one too. Scary!

[porn: relapse report in my Journal]

No shit! This is exactly what it does --> giving me cravings for some stupid game, escalating from there as soon as I give in -->blocking the memory (when I drank beer in a restaurant)

Good idea! I'll implement it.

Thank you!
I wanted to add a reason for abstinence: it's not even the health disadvantage of one alcoholic beverage, it's the difference between going down that road (which could involve some fun, but also a lot more drinking and all kinds of problems) or simply going another road, because of choice.
It's about me being a grown-up, making my own decision, sticking to my word, and having my priorities, my goals, my vision. I think health is just a component, a metaphor or something, in the end it's about much more.
Many good men have even sacrificed their health. But for a good purpose, not because of stupidity, not unconsciously or because they didn't know better.

 

Officially, formally, gettingmyshittogetherly: I'm back IN this challenge, I will not look at porn, I will not pmo, I will not let myself be tempted to do something that leads to pmo, I will not use other media or even sexual fantasy for stimulation, I will not masturbate. And so on and so on.
I take this challenge seriously and I won't forget about it. Minor lapses are not to be scolded much but escalation is to be prevented or stopped ASAP.

 

Not a full week yet, but here are my intermediate results so far:

• no porn
  • 66%
• no pornsubs
  • 66%
• no masturbation/edging
  
  • 50%

• no alcohol
  
  • 83%
• no sugar
  
  • 33%
• no online entertainment
  • 33%

 

THE MAIN PURPOSE IN LIFE IS YOU

 

I can't say that I'm content with my results, but I should embrace it anyway. I'm still IN the challenge and accountable, that's what matters first of all. I don't think I should brush it away like "ah it's just the first 6 days and I will get so much better". Rather I have to accept that these are my results and it reflects my current state of mind and of my affairs. Future success is possible, but first I need to put in the work. Dreaming of it will not achieve anything.

I think one thing that I found about myself recently is, how far and deep my problem with entertainment and media is and that porn is but a part of it - a really stinging part for sure (and it is like a strong drug) but still a part of this bigger bundle of behaviors. I focussed too much on my problem with porn and not enough on the whole damn elefant in the f*cking room.

Then I thought also about how I use my smartphone and messenger apps. It appears to me there are some limits as of how far I could restrict these things. But maybe a better approach would be to postpone and combine certain activities with tasks. I'm talking about the very simple concept of rewarding oneself AFTER a task. Unfortunately I nearly never do this: I never use this tactic of making the execution of some task the CONDITION for a rewarding behavior. It's crazy but that's how I live my life. Maybe indirectly I do it but more often I do it it in the reverse: for not having lived up to my ideals or expectations I CONSOL myself with pleasure. It seems I reward failure.

Another insight from this analysis: I can't handle failure
- this forum has long been the only training ground where I have in fact learned to handle failure better, by the way -
if it is publicly or privately I struggle to deal with my fails and often I regress into some kind of shell or I loose myself in the compensating pleasure-seeking behaviors.

As David Goggins puts it: first learn to fail.