I'm sorry to hear you had a reset but glad to see you are still in the fight! I went back and re-read your first post. I too was exposed to P and sexuality at a very young age. My childhood was before the days of internet. Dad kept printed material in plain sight and content going on the tv that was very inappropriate. Much of his conversation went on with things of a sexual nature as well. I can relate to your feelings of your first post. For me, I've found that my key is to stay in recovery and learn one day at a time how to live free from these things. I'm in my 40's and really learning to live for the first time. It has been a lot of work and took time but it has been worth it.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry to hear of your experiences. No child should have to see something so revolting. I pray for your father’s repentance and healing, and the healing of those also affected at the very least. The exposure to porn and sexuality in general at a young age is so damaging and the scars run deep. Thankfully neither of my parents were the ones who exposed me to it, but I still feel a significant part of my childhood— innocence— was robbed of me. But everything after that has been a choice I’ve consistently made and an entanglement I’m trying to get free from. I like what you say about staying in recovery mode. That is where I feel I perpetually am. Even when I reset, my mindset can never drift back to those old years of having little regret and embracing carnal thinking. I finally took God seriously, tasted his goodness, and can’t go back to that old life. I want more. I better understand why Paul said that when he does wrong, it is not him doing it but the sin in him. Every reset truly feels like an out-of-character moment, like I’ve become someone I’m not. Though sin is still present in my life, it is separate from me. It is no longer a reflection in the mirror, but an enemy outright. In that sense, I have even more responsibility to turn from it than before. All the more reason to break free from it. One day at a time. It is so hard but I want it. I know I will improve.
Yes, this has helped me in the past too. It has actually led me to "enjoy" my sessions much less. They lose their appeal because I know I won't be able to shut God out of my thoughts. Or even if I think I can shut Him out, I feel a very strong sense of conviction for doing so. To choose to shut God in advance out is to plot evil, which the Bible very clearly speaks against. Psalm 36:4: "Even on their beds they plot evil; they commit themselves to a sinful course and do not reject what is wrong." But yes, it's a slow transformation. I could stand to include God in many more of my thoughts than I already am. However I would have sinned a lot more than I already have if I hadn't included God in all the thoughts I have let Him into. I can certainly identify with this one too. Novelty is a killer. With a new idea there's a sense that we're missing out, and that we deserve to entertain the new idea. There's an argument that this comes from the animal in us - animals seek novelty to ensure diversity. But God made us different from the animals. He gave us authority over them (Genesis 1:28-30), and he specifically told man to be united with a single partner (Genesis 2:24), a command not given to the animals.
Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. I had another hiccup today and I’m a bit sad about it. I have nothing more to say about it, but I didn’t want to sulk by and not acknowledge it. Had a very “off” day where I was just exhausted and kind of out of it. Generally in a funk for the past few days and stressed with all the plates I have to spin at the moment. I wasn’t even aroused, it was a mindless thing. I guess I treated it as stress relief this time around. I’ll try to sleep better and be more alert tomorrow. Unfortunately this has not been my week. At least I’m still maintaining my new diet and exercise habits, but even so it’s a rough patch.
In good times, we look to the Lord, for he is the source of everything good. In bad times, we look to the Lord, for he is the source of everything good. Focusing too much on ourselves is unhelpful. Sin and self are closely linked. We look to him to live.
I know. I’ve been getting caught up in myself again. Stress always does that to me. I need to get back in the habit of my reflections and prayer. They always help so much and yet ironically, they are the first to leave my mind during tough weeks and I hyper fixate on the tasks ahead. Yet another muscle to build! God, please help me to again fix my eyes on you. You have helped me so much through this whole mess and made me stronger. I don’t want to lose my good streaks and habits or fail to get up when I stumble. Remind me what I’m looking for and working for and help me to not get lost in the weeds. Please help me through this stressful busy time and bring me to the other end, rejoicing. I am sorry for my unsteady steps.
Hey there, @Faithe. How are you doing? I hope you're not too downhearted after your hiccup. We are here if you need us. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
Hi there, thank you for checking on me. It means a lot. To be truthful, my lapse in activity is not due to PMO. I have been going through a rough patch of anxiety and depression. I’ve been irritable and haven’t been sleeping well. I’m going to graduate college soon and it’s a combination of stressful final assignments and feeling disillusioned about what I want to do after college… There is so much pressure to have your life figured out right after school. I keep changing my mind because I think I’m interested in something, but then I get bored of it. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even thought about resetting, so I’ve gotten through the week fairly clean. I wanted to take time to come back so I can remember to keep my streak. I am going to have to do a lot of exploring and soul searching and asking God to help me navigate the unknown waters of entering the “real world”. I am feeling a little more clarity and direction bit by bit. I think I will be feeling better once I finish school, go back to my job, and have extra time to reflect on my next steps. I know it’s not exactly relevant to the rest of this journal thus far, but that has been one of my main stressors for the past few months and I needed to share. This has been my worst week in a while, mentally and emotionally. Now, related to PMO, some urges are coming back. So I need to be wary about that. Thank you again for checking in.
Today has been hard. I had a reset today after feeling generally tired and unmotivated. I feel like I was managing some things pretty well a few weeks prior, but I have just been slumping now through this fog. I’ve been feeling like that every now and then or in the background, but I don’t know why it is hitting me so hard lately. I really wish I did better this round, especially since it is Easter weekend. I want to get back to feeling good again, but this weight will not come off me and I feel weak. I’ve just been laying around today and can’t focus. Please pray for me.
He is risen. If Christ can die and rise, then what more must he do for me to trust him? I’ll keep my eyes fixed on him and keep moving forward even when it’s hard. Forgive me, Lord, for the stripes I’ve caused you. Forgive me for everything and help me get a fresh start again. I want to, for you. Happy Easter, all.
Had trouble finding motivation to get out of bed and go to church Sunday. I was so tired from staying up late crying because I felt depressed. I did get up and go, though, and I’m glad I did even if I didn’t really have the energy to talk to anyone. I spent most of the day laying in bed or on the couch. I had quite a few thoughts about PMO but didn’t pursue them. Oddly enough, I felt better after a long nap even if it took me some time to stop feeling groggy. God has also comforted me. I have regained some strength. Sometimes these darker moods come. This one has to pass like all the rest.
It will pass. Stand firm. Our hope is in Jesus, not in ourselves. When we look away from him, we immediately begin to perish. When we see him, we truly begin to live!
Today was looking up a bit more. I got back into the gym and did a Bible study… fighting through everything. Mental health improved at least a little. But I let my thoughts fester and had a reset later in the day. I feel sad and numb about it. I see so many brothers and sisters in Christ who have made it so much longer than me and I feel so weak. I did not know two weeks would be so hard. If there is any takeaway, I’ve noticed something that is probably making this harder for me. For the past several resets, I’ve been binging afterwards. I’ll MO and then do it a few more times immediately following. I suppose the carnal logic is that I’m getting the most out of it after I’ve already failed, so “why not”? Not the right mindset at all and I know better. Furthermore, it’s doing even more damage than a single reset alone would. I’m the one contributing to this steep hill of mine and I need to acknowledge it. I’ll try to make it my two weeks again, but if I reset, no binging. I can’t keep messing myself up like that. I need to take it more seriously and really get my vision straight. Jesus, I know what I need to do. I’m sorry for pushing the limits and setting myself up for tripping. Help me! Snap me out of these trances.
You're not alone. I used to do it multiple times a day, and even when I made it to 2 weeks I wasn't seeking outside help whether on NoFap or elsewhere, which you're doing now. In that respect, you're doing better than me at that point Though we mustn't compare ourselves to eachother (I'll return to this point later) I would also binge to "make the most of it" after a reset, even (or rather especially) after a near 500-day streak. People who have made it a long time can fail hard. Okay maybe they won't but none of them can promise they won't give in to temptation tomorrow. None of them. They may have learned to resist triggers but when they do give in, it's been a very long time since they last practiced recovering from a slip. Those neural circuits are still there. As Tao often reminds us we need to focus on each day as it comes. We also must not compare ourselves to others who seem to be "better" at recovery than us (it's easier said than done, I know!). We all should compare ourselves to Christ and nobody else. Maybe they are good at resisting temptation, but who knows what other sins they are fighting that may not even be a battle in our own lives. Praying for you, dear sister in Christ
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. You are right to say I shouldn’t compare myself to others. It’s a very easy trap to fall into. We all have our own journey and Christ has to be my main example. No one else’s life can serve as the perfect model, even if they do have some nice wisdom to share. I still have my own path at the end of the day. I’m praying for God to show me the next steps for this unique journey. I feel that every day, there is something new to learn. Praying for you as well
