Just ran away from a REALLY close call. It’s been a more difficult day today. I’m going to keep pressing on. Please pray for me.
Well, I am quite sad. I wound up resetting late in the night, just three days officially from two weeks. I know I could’ve made it, but I let my mind wander and go on a tempting site I shouldn’t have (not porn, but a stumbling block for me). Not just that, but I accidentally hurt myself during the reset. Even the O was painful. All around unsatisfying and humiliating an extra amount. I’m okay, it was just pain from being too rough and there was no damage, but it made me feel like a total idiot. To bring it to a positive note, this is my longest streak in a while. If not, definitely at least one of the longest. 11, almost 12 days. Two weeks minimum seems very possible to me now, especially since this streak went by so much faster than I thought it would. Once again, I have to dust myself off and start fighting again. Hopefully this negative experience gives me a little boost; I know I’m certainly not in the mood anymore after that whole ordeal. Please pray for me! I truly feel like I’m getting some momentum here, even with bumps in the road.
Thank you for any and all prayers. The start of a new month is helping me feel refreshed. Although…I am not loving the mosquitos starting to come out!
You must live somewhere closer to the equator than I do. Even with all the wild weather these days, we don't have mosquitoes in the first week of March yet!
Probably! It’s already getting warmer and the bugs are coming out. Spring and summer are practically twins in southernmost states. Hopefully I can still work up the initiative to get outside more and not get cooped up on the computer all the time.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.” Hebrews 12:1-2 NLT
I've seen a video before a while ago that went over how to break bad habits and the guy went over this idea that if you, for example, didn't want to eat Doritos anymore because it's not healthy, then the first obvious step would be to not buy Doritos anymore. If they are not in your house, then you will be much less tempted to eat them. I've thought about this recently and wished that avoiding MO was that easy. Avoiding porn is that easy for me, since I simply don't look it up. I keep it "out of the house" so to speak. I'm probably more fortunate than some others in that regard (although fantasy is a pretty close substitute for me I have to admit). But not so with MO, which I struggle with entirely. It's so much harder! I always have my body and I can't always get arousal and certain thoughts "out of the house". It's like that trying to quit Doritos example, but even though you aren't buying any, they keep showing up in the pantry without notice and you must make a conscious effort to throw them away every time. I can't turn off that part of my brain and wish I could. What a difficult muscle to build. I can't do it with my own strength alone.
It does require a conscious effort, but this habit can be formed readily. The core of it is to be willing to allow our desires to be changed, to lay down our "right" to seek comfort and pleasure in the way that seems right to us. If we remain surrendered to him, he will guide us well. But the moment we go back to going our own way, we are sunk. SET FREE NOWWW has been very helpful to me in acquiring and maintaining this habit. I cannot say to be perfected in it yet, but I am more or less at peace throughout most of my days. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zqVL11JjWICOHCRUDmqXr9TNC_gpb6yhRF1hKp-fxcc/edit
I feel this struggle, @Faithe. This is largely what I write about in my journal when I speak of my morning M. As you say, there's no bag of Doritos to not buy. But I would encourage you to consider if there are any other events that correlete with your temptations. This is what motivated my decision to try and reduce caffeine intake, for example. It appears to be raising my libido and weakening my self control, so this needs to me addressed. I also know that an unexpected stressful situation can make me want to touch myself. So, I'm trying to be more on my guard in this respect when stress comes out of nowhere. The temptation to MO is a state of mind. I believe we need to anticipate the seemingly unrelated things that in reality are actually nudging us towards temptation.
That’s a very good point. It can be easy to become convinced that I’m a victim of intrusive thoughts, which can sometimes be true, but I have a lot more say in the matter than it seems. I’ve been trying to be a lot more mindful of what I’m letting fill my head, especially with all the things on the internet that be tempting even if they don’t explicitly intend to, just because the world has been so numbed to sexuality and it’s displayed so casually (being treated like a joke or a plaything). For the longest time I have felt so convicted about my own thoughts. Besides MO temptations, I’ve also struggled with coarse language and cussing. I know there’s varying opinions by Christians about cussing, but for me it’s a no-no. And it’s embarrassing to admit because I’d like to believe I’m not that type, but I very much am. Though especially when I’m angry or frustrated, my internal monologue is littered with f-bombs and all sorts of other bombs even when I’m in a good mood or going about daily life. Taking the Lord’s name in vain, too. It rarely actually leaves my mouth as I’m pretty good at filtering my speech from it, but I’ve slipped a few times and when I’m in bad traffic, I’m a lost cause. It doesn’t make for a great witness. And it’s gotten noticeably worse over the years, even as I’ve gotten better at dealing with MO. I’ve heard it said that a proclivity for cursing points to an angry heart, and that’s probably true in my case. I’ve had many frustrations in life and a history of consuming content that had a lot of bad language in it as release. It’s another one of my largest pieces of shame aside from my MO addiction and I’ve thought of it as unrelated until now. It’s hard to say that I’ve got no control over my thoughts when I’ve pretty clearly given them over to a lot of anger and passion. I’m going to try and be more intentional about the way I frame my thoughts. I focus a lot of MO in that category but it would probably serve me well to focus on Jesus and the changes he wants to make in me in all areas of my life. I can’t hyper-fixate on dealing with MO alone and neglect the rest and let those bad habits fester and affect my walk with God. As you mentioned, there’s likely a number of things that are “triggers” for a lack of self-discipline and I suppose MO is just one branch of it, along with cursing. Probably other things I don’t realize I fail to control at the root level. What I let into my head has an effect on what my knee-jerk reactions are. I need to learn to avoid those temptations and to know how to engage in healthy actions instead when they surprise me.
I think I am on day four or approaching it. When I use the site on mobile, the counters don’t appear so I’m not sure. I’ve been feeling pretty okay lately. Moments of temptation and arousal but I’ve pushed them away and recovered. I’ve been working on correcting my thoughts more immediately when they happen, especially with regards to cussing and other crass things. I used to think of these as largely intrusive thoughts that can just be ignored because it’s not as bad as saying them aloud, but I’ve changed my mind as that obviously isn’t the way I’ve ever regarded sexual thoughts. Why should it be different in other areas of my life? Let me tell you: it is hard. Changing your thoughts is so much harder than controlling your tongue. Sexual thoughts happen from time to time, but I didn’t realize how many other horrible things I can think that I didn’t bother actually trying to fix. Over the past few months I’ve been working on my patience and long suffering. I’m in a season with a lot of change and there’s naturally more situations that leave me feeling stressed and aggravated. God has helped me grow through this and I am doing much better, but turning my attention to my thoughts, which are the root of the negative behavior I try to avoid, makes me realize that there is a very steep mountain ahead of me. And of course those thoughts of pent up emotion that express themselves in unhealthy ways can lead me to MO, etc. I find it’s all related. It’s times like this that make me feel very small and dirty. I know it’s good to be aware of my flaws and give them to God, but I feel like it just never ends. I heal someplace and a new wound appears elsewhere. I will take it one step at a time and take deep breaths. Growth is steady and can’t happen all at once.
When you say "new wound", is it truly a new wound or do you just become more aware of a wound that was always there but until now had failed to notice? If the latter, take it as a sign that God has changed your heart to recognise this behaviour so that you can address it. If the former, it is still a good thing that you do recognise it. Recognising the flaws inside us is the first step to addressing them. Confess them to God... not just that you have done them but that a part of your heart still wants to do them and needs fixing. Praise God for showing these flaws to you. Psalm 139 comes to mind: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
It’s a mix of the former and the latter, I think. On one hand, it’s an issue I’ve had for many years that I’ve neglected, but on the other hand it’s also gotten worse because I neglected it and so it almost feels like a new thing. It’s taken on a different form. That’s what happens with bad habits! They turn into a kind of addiction or even a part of your personality. God has really changed my heart over the years and I do not recognize the young girl I used to be. I almost recognize the woman I was a few years ago, but she seems less familiar as the days go by. Sometimes we can think that we are getting worse when maybe we are just becoming more self-aware. My heart has been heavy with a newfound desire to change completely, like I’m coming back to God after years of backsliding. In many ways I think I am kinder and more patient than I used to be. More resilient, too. But then I find those old wounds I’ve ignored and I realize how much time I’ve wasted being stuck in the same old patterns— content with salvation and forgetting the abundant life I must grow into. Thank you for reminding me to praise God. I don’t do it often enough. I ask God for forgiveness and to strengthen me, and I can neglect praising Him for the work He’s already done in my life thus far. Please search my thoughts and my heart, God. I truly want things to be different. Thank you for all the wonderful transformations you’ve brought about in me. Thank you for healing my anger, depression, and anxiety. I am sorry for all the ways I have hurt You, myself, and others with these messy parts of me. I know I have much more of those feelings to sort through, but you carry me every step of the way and make me stronger. Lead me to those green pastures I long for and mend my broken spirit. Remind me to fix my gaze on you and not the stormy waters that sometimes seem to be flooding my little boat. Help me walk above the waves and through the storm, towards your light everlasting. Take my hands and lead me. Thank you for making me new, please continue to shape me even if it’s painful. Reveal to me what else there is to lay at your feet. Amen.
I got some gym clothes today. I’m hoping that some exercise will help get some pent up energy out and clear my head. I always feel better after a jog but I get lazy and don’t move as often as I should. Trying to switch to some healthier foods, too. I really want my body to feel good so this is all a little easier. Maybe other changes in the harder, more mental/emotional habits like PMO and such will come more naturally if I adjust to changes I have bit more physical control over.
It will become 7 days by tonight. I’ve had a few passing temptations but nothing too bad. This has probably been the easiest week in a while, but I’ve been keeping busy so that might be it. I’ve been finding it helpful to practice self-control by eating meals without being on my phone or watching anything. It’s a good way to just reflect on my day, what’s interesting me at the moment, and generally being mindful. Our smart phones can condition us to seek instant gratification and rewards us for jumping on our impulses. When you want to know something, you can look it up immediately and find the information. During these quiet time meals, I’m practicing letting thoughts flow in and flow out. This includes questions. It’s okay to think passionately about a subject or have a burning question and— just let it pass. Take time to reflect on what’s on your mind, like you’re in a leaf fluttering down and floating down a gentle stream. No need to steer or stop. And when a negative thought or temptation comes, like a rock in the way, you imagine the leaf going around and passing it because that’s simply where the stream is taking it. They are only thoughts, and they don’t require your immediate attention or need to be coddled and given in to. And if you remember something important that you need to do, see if it can wait until the meal is done. I’ve noticed so many things I was tempted to look up and get instant gratification for that I later forgot about or lost their luster after I decided to just let them pass through and have my mind drift somewhere else. Very few things are as urgent and pressing as they first seem. This includes PMO temptation, too. There is no need whatsoever to drop everything and get your high. Float away.
You are walking the disciple's path! Tremendously encouraging. Learning to control our thoughts -- to strengthen our minds -- is central to what it means to be a disciple.
I’ve been eating healthier and going to the gym more. Waking up earlier, too. My family has laughed and said something has gotten into me suddenly. I’m a little self-conscious of it, but I feel good about it. I feel a greater sense of control when I get used to making these little “hard” decisions. Even so, I have faced a bit of temptation to MO throughout the day and it’s been a little tough. I haven’t reset because I know I’m so close to two weeks. Some of my vulgar thinking tendencies have subsided, but the habit is obviously still there. It hasn’t been even a month yet, so not too many changes are going to be happening at once. Anyways, maybe these other new decisions of mine are just a phase until I get tired of maintaining it. But for now, I find it helpful. Please continue to pray for me as I wrestle with redirecting my thoughts away from these temptations lately.
My very best days are the ones when I am up at 4 am, in the gym by 5, at my desk working by 6, and in bed by 9 pm. There are only two paths open to us: Discipline or disaster. There is no third option. Do you know what helped me most with cleaning up my thought life? I invited Jesus into every thought, no matter how terrible. We cannot hide from him, so why pretend that we can? If it becomes our habit to bring him into every part of our lives -- even when we choose something less than his best for us -- I am convinced he will help us be transformed in those moments. That transformation may be painfully slow, but, as they say, you can't microwave filet mignon.
Wow… what a tough fight it has been these past two days. Unfortunately, I had a reset today. Made it 11 days, 3 days from the two week goal. Managed to keep my own advice and advice of others until today when I let myself get duped by that lie of “urgency” and “well, come on, you’ve got to try this fantasy”. Funny how even when you’ve been through the same thing so many times, you still have the occasional itch that you need to have that one last special session! I really know how to convince myself I’m going to blow my own mind Nope! Not a single thing about it alleviates regret afterwards. Even so, I think going to the gym and such has really helped me get to this point. Two streaks of almost two-weeks in close succession to each other is a new one for me, so I have to take my wins where I can so I don’t get discouraged. I’ve controlled my thoughts and resisted many times this past streak, and I’m going to do it again even more times. Forgive me, Father. You give me strength. I’m going to keep fighting.
