Hello all! I've posted a few times by now but I wanted to start a new official journal to get my thoughts in order. This will be my first time actually committing to a journal aside from just posting randomly when the mood strikes me. I will try to post here weekly if my schedule doesn't slip away from me. Having a commitment may help me on my journey. Anyways, I felt the need to start this journal because I reset today after an on-and-off again series of streaks that would usually last one to two weeks. Sometimes I would make it three weeks; never a full month. Notably, time seemed to pass much more quickly than it ever has in the past. I would reset my counter and think, "Wait, I almost made it a month? Seriously?" That never used to happen before. Though my changes are small, they do seem to be there. On the other hand, I feel sad that for the eleven or so years that I have struggled with this addiction, and the past four of those that I've actually decided to do something about it, I've never really been clean past a month. When that wave of shame crushed me, always a few minutes after a reset, always out of left field, and always more heavy than I remember it being before, I felt grief over my childhood and innocence. I almost cried, though I didn't. I used to cry after a reset, and now I don't. I just feel depressed for the rest of the day. I wish I still cried because I worry that not crying anymore somehow indicates that I don't care about hurting God even though I know I do. Anyway, in my feeling of grief I tried to think of what I could do differently next time. My brain always goes there. I tried to think of how I was happy as a child without PMO, and if I could just think of how simple my life was then. If I could just have that innocent mindset back again... But then it hit me that I don't actually remember a time in my childhood when I wasn't aware of sex and sexual perversion. There must have been a time, but I don't remember it. I found porn when I was 9, and started masturbating around the same time because that's what I saw. But before that time I remember having a friend who would talk to me about all this sexual stuff. He filled my head with a lot of sexual imagery and would pervert innocent things into something sexual, with just his words. I realize in hindsight with horror that there were probably terrible things he was being exposed to at home. But he passed it on to me, verbally. And that's what crushed me-- the thought that there is no place in time I can go back to to remember how to be like a child. Because I never was what a child should be. Sex and sexual perversion goes as far back as my memories do. It's so hard to heal when you don't remember what life was like before you were damaged. To know that things can be better, but have no point of reference... is crushing. For now, I can only imagine and pray. Please pray for me. I want to heal but this horrible thing is buried so deep into my development and brain. It's not even a temptation, but an utter compulsion. I don't even need to crave it, I just do it if I'm bored or if I know I can get away with it. It's terrible. I need things to turn around.
We cannot go back, only forward. Instead of returning to the innocence of childhood, move forward into the wisdom and purity of the Kingdom. Childish innocence can be eradicated in an instant, never to return. But the fruits of the Spirit, while not quick to ripen, do not wither readily once mature. Onward and upward! Better days by far are ahead of us than those behind us!
I understand the feeling. I was around the same age when I started. I just watched P at first because I didn’t even know what M was then. I also can’t remember what life is like without an addiction. I don’t think you should consider your lack of emotion as a cause for concern (beyond the usual). That’s just what P and M do. Perhaps you’ve noticed the same, but after M I lose all feeling besides emptiness. You don’t feel immense sorrow and guilt after a reset? Doesn’t matter. Guilt comes from Satan after all, and tearing us down is just what he does. There is definitely a place to cry though, but as I said if you’re crying because you reset I think it’s not something to miss. Where I think tears become constructive rather than destructive is in regards to repentance and the love of God. While failing and choosing to continue failing has numbed my emotions, despite that when I turn back to God he’s there waiting to forgive me. Guilt has never been a condition of forgiveness, so if you feel that you aren’t sad enough to be forgiven know that God forgives you despite that. Despite everything. If you let anything move you to tears let it not be your weakness, but rather the unfathomable, unfailing, reckless love that God has for you.
Thank you. You are right. I can't go back, I can only grow-- scars and all. I know God is healing me slowly.
Very true. There are lies from the enemy that try to twist that feeling of emptiness into "proof" that you don't really care. I've even had that thought in my head before, while I'm resetting, "you don't really care, do you?" I hate those thoughts. Crying offers a feeling of restorative relief, so when the tears don't come I am worried. But thank you for your reassurance. I know who I am, what I believe about what I'm addicted to, and I know who God is. I can't let feelings sway me into thinking wrongly about how God forgives me. He forgives me anyway-- and I am accepting it and wanting to change. I will remember to reflect on His love more than my shortcomings. Thank you.
Reset today again… but I noticed something that I think is connected to the ebb and flow of being tempted. Oddly, I find it harder to resist PMO or MO when I’m hungry or tired. The tired part makes sense, but the hungry thing is odd. I’ve noticed in the past that I think of getting something to eat but then it’s overridden by the desire to MO. But then afterwards I’m like, “Why didn’t I just eat something? I feel like garbage and I’m still hungry.” Sometimes, if I resist, even after eating the temptation goes away. Same happens when I want to take a nap. Probably an odd thing to bring up, but I’m just trying to figure out what my weaknesses are. I guess it’s all related to carnal things?
Believing in Jesus Christ means we believe in His words. Christ often spoke of the devil and his minions. So, clearly the devil exists and he seeks to destroy your immortal soul. He may leave you alone for a time while waiting for the right opportunity to tempt you. When we are sick, tired, bored, angry, hurt, sad, depressed and even hungry, the devil may use our weakened state as his opportunity. I noticed in myself that the decision to PMO became, over time, an impulsive one. I rarely planned ahead for it. I was simply alone with my laptop and the impulse came to me in an instant. Although the usual conditions were there, (unhappiness, stress, boredom or just procrastinating) I saw that I could choose to do something else in the same instant of time that I could give in to a sinful impulse. This recognition spawned one of many helpful tactics for me. When struck with a sinful impulse, immediately get up, stand up, walk away and do something else. Basically, when I recognize a temptation, I make the choice to immediately smash the conditions for PMO (being alone with nothing better to do) and focus my mind on something more healthy. Usually the impulse fades quickly although there are more serious temptations and these require copious prayer to fight effectively.
Ever heard of HALT? These are all common triggers to be on the alert for. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/common-stressors-recovery
Your post is exactly what you should be doing: trying to figure out what your weaknesses are. HALT, which Tao Jones mentions, is an acronym that highlights common situations--bodily situations--that put you in a state of weakness. And not only you, but all of us. Those are emotionally dysregulated states, uncomfortable emotional states (at least they can be--e.g., hunger can turn into anxiety or anger, etc.). None of these emotional states are immoral or carnal/fleshly. They are amoral. But your body and brain (and maybe your heart, in the biblical understanding of the word) is going to be crying out to get to a better state. It is at this point that you may reach out for a solution of the flesh to feel better. If you are hungry, is it wrong to grab something to eat? There are situations where it may be wrong/sinful, but I think most of the time, just get something to eat. If you are lonely, or sad, you may be tempted to PMO. Instead, think of other ways to "get your fix" that are God-pleasing: call a friend, watch a comedian, take a walk, go to a coffee shop to read a book you like, etc. This is where CPilot's advice is spot on. Yes, pray when you enter one of these uncomfortable states, but then get up and change your state by doing something.
I relate. I usually immediately feel regret and I worry when it doesn't happen So sad... Don't forget to pray for his healing too I'm so sorry :-( I relate a little because, although I didn't know anything about sex, when I was 5 or so, I don't know why, I did "things" which later led me to start doing M when I was 12. Maybe at 8, I already imagined impure things. I remember this and think it's too ugly to be true...
Our Lord, a being with the purest love and the greatest capacity for mercy knows that this corruption was thrust upon you, long before your mind had matured to the point it could make better choices. This corruption probably set you up for many years of sinful acts but this path was laid out for you and was beyond your control. Because of this, I am of no doubt you are completely forgiven by God for much if not all of your transgressions. Equally, those who exposed you to these things at such a young age are in serious jeopardy of losing their immortal souls. If you can bring yourself to do so, it would be the greatest act of charity to pray for them. Fortunately, Our Lord makes it clear through the writings of St. Paul in Romans that we can and must put our old selves behind us and go forward as a lovely, purified, new person. I take great comfort in Romans 6:4-7 "We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the sinful body might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin." (RSV-CE) Put your old self to death. That person need not exist any longer. You can be the person you dream and pray to be starting this very instant. Happy Birthday! May God bless you for your suffering and your deep love and longing for Him.
Funnily enough, I actually haven't. Thank you for sharing this with me. Amazing how much overlap there is with various addictions.
Thank you. I think this is a good practice to have. As it's been said on this site somewhere before, the desire to PMO is really related to some other deeper need within us. No one "needs" porn or masturbation, but rather connection and love and such. And this seems to extend to normal discomfort like hunger and tiredness as I'm learning. I think it will be a good habit for me to ask myself, the next time I feel the urge for PMO or MO, "What am I actually craving?". When I do this, I've been finding that the answer is usually a snack/meal, a nap, or spending time with someone I care about. Yesterday, I couldn't think of what I really wanted. And I realized I hadn't prayed in a while. So I prayed, and just poured my thoughts out to God. Prayed for better people to come into my life, prayed for me to a better person, prayed for a good future husband, prayed for guidance, etc. etc. The amazing thing about prayer is that you don't even need to know what to pray for when you start. You just start talking and things arise. And whatever you can't think of, God fills in the gaps because He already knows. So... 1) Acknowledge the urge 2) Ask yourself first if you have an underlying physical craving you might not have noticed (food, sleep, stretching, deep breaths to mitigate stress, etc.). As Snickers commercials like to put it, "you're not you when you're hungry". If you find a craving, take care of it ASAP. 3) If none of those things, ask yourself if you have an underlying emotional craving (quality time, encouragement, comfort, etc.). If you find one, find someone to help you meet that need. If no one is around, pray for God's comfort, read comforting Scripture that reminds you of God's love for you. You can also watch something funny or read a book you like, like Wilderness Wanderer mentioned. Laughter can make you feel better. 4) If you still don't know, pray for God to show you and help you navigate what you are feeling. Don't look for distractions, look for underlying needs to be met. Urges usually mean your brain thinks something is "missing". PMO and MO is not the missing piece.
I think more people have been through this than we are all willing to talk about IRL. The world is corrupt and many impure things are all around us and can infect the mind before you even understand what it is you're looking at. Thank you for the reminder to pray for the healing of these other kids that I've known who told me about these things, especially my old friend. I can only hope and pray that he is on the road to recovery too, wherever he may be now.
I think this is very well-written and perceptive and light-years ahead of where I was when I started this journey. My counselor has told me that addiction (porn or otherwise) basically is a matter of dealing with uncomfortable emotions (whether that be from craving food, or deeper emotional craving--whatever the underlying cause may be, the result is an uncomfortable emotion, e.g., anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, tired/boredom, whatever). Since we don't know how to deal with these emotions, we try to feel better with our addiction. I believe he's right. At least, I know it to be true in my own case. I'm not saying there isn't more to addiction--e.g., what happens chemically in the brain, the spiritual dimension, and so on--but I do think it is fundamentally an emotional dynamic.
Although I ended up resetting today, I made it a week and was able to delay a possible earlier reset by trying that new HALT method and addressing literal hunger instead of running to MO. Disappointed that I reset afterwards, but I am still acknowledging the progress for what it is. I'm a little shaken because I was almost caught in the act and that would have been humiliating and horrible. It would be so wonderful to be free of this and not have anything to keep secret. This is my only safe space to discuss it. I need to pray more often again; I got a journal just for writing my prayers because it helps keep me focused. I hide it to keep it confidential from the rest of my family but that also means it's not in my line of sight and so it's easy to forget to use it...
I have been almost caught a few times. What a humiliating thing! So deeply embarrassing. Now I see these events were a gentle lesson from God. To be humiliated on earth is certainly unpleasant. However, to spend eternity in hell because of sins of the flesh would be excruciating, unending pain and loneliness. Google this - stories of hell in the lives of the saints. One saint (sorry, I have forgotten which one) was told that there are more people in hell for sins of the flesh than any other reason. I take from this that, as we know, this is a very compelling sin but also we are not unique. It is possible that every saint in heaven has felt the temptation but found the means to acquire the grace to overcome it. You can do this. We can do this. For the sake of our immortal souls, we must do this.
Progress, not perfection, is our goal. Keep taking the steps. Better days are just ahead. Freedom is right around the corner!
You bring up a good point. This is good to think about. Not that I believe I am in danger of hell, because I know that I am saved and that God is working in me on this issue. But-- to remember what this addiction costs in my relationship with God. This sin, like all others, is worthy of separation from God. I am grateful He reconciles me to Him everyday... but I don't want to keep hurting Him and keeping on doing/thinking things that cause that rift. I can see all these things attached to my addiction being thrown into the fire, and what do I have in my life that can survive that flame? I think of 1 Corinthians 3: "12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames." I want so much more than a life of what amounts to firewood. This costs so much more than a moment's guilt. It hurts my faith and I feel it. I started journaling again today. Praise God, I will get back into the habit. I prayed for help because I was attacked by so many horrible intrusive sexual thoughts. Even during Christmas Eve service! I felt so horrible and I'm numb now after another reset (when I got home). I've never had such intrusive urges like that. It was awful. As my own strategies change, it seems that the Enemy's does as well. It really is war. I need to keep fighting. Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Any advice for combating intrusive thoughts? This seems to be a new sore spot for me.
