Do I have to get to the point where I need to accept my SO should leave me in order for her not to?

When I hear that, it just makes me want to be the one who breaks that statistic

 

I suggest changing "should" to "could". It's not really empowering her to make the decision for her. I am divorced. My wife did not "grant" me the divorce the court did. I do think putting your relationship in God's hands just like your recovery (at least proverbially), letting go of control, is the way to go. I don't know if you noticed but the statement had control on both ends...what she should do...so that she wouldn't. Does that make sense?

Peace,
-Quinn

 

In my opinion, you don’t have any control over if she chooses to stay or not. It doesn’t matter what point you reconcile to yourself… It doesn’t matter if you think that she should leave you or she shouldn’t. She is already fully empowered to choose what she wants.

Does it help for you to realize this fact? I think so.

From my perspective, PA’s have broke their marital vows... Over and over again. It is my view that the marriage is null and void. A new commitment will have to be in place. You have made a new commitment with combating this porn addiction and you’ve done very well so far.

And the word “should” bothers me, I think because it’s only her that gets to decide if she should or should not. It’s not for you to come to this conclusion. But I think you can come to the collusion that she might.

 

Maybe its the bittersweetness of full recovery—that to completely get past the PA you have to be willing to lose her. I dunno. This resonates with me so i cant truly answer w/o some more pondering.

But thats one od the most difficult things—realizing our addiction (even in recovery) may have cost us one of our feeatest gifts.

 

Yeah thats corny as hell. But true. You cant own love—only share it.

 

What I think i see is that certainty is very important for you.

That you need your life to be predictable in order to feel secure.
Everyone does. Some more than others, and that's fine.

You are trying to find a way to be in control of what will happen to your marriage and ultimately how your life will turn out to be, and you're having a hard time accepting the uncertainty of the future.

I'm like that, so I hope I'm not just projecting.

When you ask this I hear:
If I accept my SO should leave me, can I be sure that I'll be secure?

And the answer is yes.
...Can you be certain that your wife won't want to leave? No.
It's a hard pill to swallow but the decision is hers.
But you WILL find security even if things don't turn out the way you hope.

All you can do is be the best husband you possibly can and wait for your wife to reach a decision. That means enduring the uncertainty for the time being.

During those 20 years you probably weren't worthy of her. But now you've seen the error of your ways and fought hard to change. You have come a long way and grown as a person, as a husband and as a father.

Don't get me wrong, humility and taking ownership of your mistakes is good, even expected, but beating yourself up is only hindering your personal growth. It's keeping you in the past, and there's nothing you can do to change the past.

I think I'm not alone when I say this:
You are an inspiration to everybody here and you should be proud of who you are today.

 

sometimes we are our own worst critic.
Hang in there

 

Ummm, I can only speak for myself, but I am not looking down on separation. It’s scary as hell, and multiple attorneys cautioned against it, but my wife asked for it, and I trust that it is right now. Time will only tell, but I don’t think us being in the same home would be good for anyone right now.

To the other points in this thread, I am surrendered to the fact that she has to want our marriage too. I love her, but that doesn’t mean she has to love me. I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t love me, or raise two daughters in a loveless marriage. These last two points get me through most days right now.

Still praying for a Miracle and reconciliation.

 

This made me reflect on my present struggle, lately I’ve been going back and forth between two fantasies, one where I’m divorced and the other where I’m back together with my wife. Both are idealized and not based in the present, so I try to shake them away as best I can.

However, your point gives me a creative idea that might help me merge my fantasy into my present. What if I thought of my wife/STBX as a completely new woman that I just met and was completely smitten by? What would I do to earn the trust of a working mother of two young girls?

This gets a bit dangerous for me, because I know I have already over extended myself in my relationship, but philosophically, and especially in relating to my fantasies, I think this might be a useful tool.

Thanks @GhostWriter

 

Re-reading this in the morning and another response made me realize I don’t want to idealize or pretend my wife is anyone other that who she is.

I’ll keep acknowledging the non-present State fantasies and letting them go. I’ll remind myself to be present and available to my wife whenever I’m with her, and not try to whitewash our past in anyway.

 

We as PA's have done so much damage and devastation to our SO's that we have lost the right to make decisions in our relationships at this point. We should be completely thankful for their grace and mercy that extend to us on a daily basis. This doesn't mean we need to grovel or beg remain in the relationship nor should they lord it over us. If at our DDay our SO's had to make a decision to stay or leave every one of us PA's would be single. We as PA's need to do the work by showing in time and actions that we want to love, honor and respect our SO's as we should have from the start of our relationships. Focus on our own recovery and healing process so then we can be in a healthy relationship with our SO's. It's their choice to stay or go based on how we do our recovery work. Also, there is an element that we have no control over and that's when we have done too much damage and our relationship isn't able to be restored. We were the stupid ones who chose to live our lives in porn and lies. We don't get to choose our consequences.

 

Yes, I’ve been reflecting a lot on this lack of control, and not just mine either. God won’t “control” this situation either. Even though I’ve been praying everyday for a Miracle that my wife might open up to reconciliation, I acknowledge that even God won’t force someone to love me. He gave us freewill. I had the freewill to sin and use P, and I know he gives my wife the freedom to walk away from marriage if she wants to. It’s up to her, and that’s ok. Time will tell, and no matter what happens, I still have much to be thankful for.